geek transformations into popular hotties

Ooh, Let Nate Silver Be Part of the Controversy! Let Nate Silver Be Part of the Controversy!

Wait, what happened to D.L. Hughley's face?Tucker Carlson continued to spew out allegations against the sinister libruls on the late JournoList today, and so this dumb “controversy” and media navel-gazing rage on. But why hasn’t anybody reported on the fact that the Internet’s boyfriend NATE SILVER was ALSO ON THIS JOURNOLIST?!?!?!?! HMM? HMM? This story is being buried! Nate Silver is just as important as the other liberal media people! So after waiting FOREVER, Nate Silver decided he has to insert himself in this circle-jerk HIMSELF, as nobody else will criticize him and his little personal e-mails.

I can’t say that I hold the Daily Caller in much esteem for making a business model out of publishing the contents of supposedly private e-mails from the list-serve Journalist. I have about 10,000 Journolist e-mails in my possession from the roughly 20 months that I was a member of the group. It goes without saying that an organization in possession of these e-mails, as Daily Caller is, would have nearly unlimited degrees of freedom to cut-and-paste evidence together with the aim of either perpetuating a certain narrative or trying to undermine the integrity of a particular journalist. The fact that their revelations seem to be getting more and more trivial perhaps tells you something.

I haven’t been a target of any of their criticism. I’d like to think this is because everyone thinks I’m super awesome and fair-minded, but it’s probably just because they have bigger fish to fry.

Yeah, you can’t say you hold the Daily Caller in much esteem, Nate Silver, yet you are doing the very same thing. OOH! I’VE WRITTEN SOME POTENTIALLY DAMAGING PRIVATE E-MAILS TOO! PICK ME, TUCKER, PICK ME! I AM IMPORTANT! SEND MY BLOG THOSE HOTT JOURNOLIST PAGE VIEWZ!

We get it, Nate Silver! You were invited to join the Baby-Sitters Club! You are so cool! Why don’t they ever talk about you in the novels? Huh? Why don’t eight-year-old girls look up to you?

Silver’s post is incredibly long, as he wants you to know every boring little detail of his little Internet life. He does his best to find something damning that he wrote, though like everything that has “come out” about JournoList, it is incredibly dull and not really controversial.

It turns out most people outside D.C. do not think of reporters or political bloggers as celebrities! Many people do not even notice bylines! It is incredible! And somehow they DON’T care about these people’s mundane little messages to one another.

But Nate Silver PROMISES to be better from now on, you guys! He won’t let you down by having private thoughts to which somebody somewhere could theoretically object!

p.s. This is pretty much my final “say” on this topic, so please don’t anticipate any follow-up, or any response to media requests, etc.

THANK GOD, as everyone was obviously asking you for your “say” on your dumb e-mail account, Nate Silver. How did you get any work done? You are obviously busy trying to get yourself into supermarket tabloids with tearful stories about how your copy of Microsoft Word used to fondle you when you were a kid. [538]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

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66 comments

  1. Swattie Swat

    Woah, you just pounded Silver into the ground. Seriously, this felt a little like beating up an autistic kid–still kind of funny to be sure, but a little too easy to be that funny.
    (Also, I love that the screen shot has DL Hughley in the corner. Nate Silver is so important.)

  2. JadedDIssonance

    The Nate Silver I know and lust for would have analyzed those 20k emails for word-distribution and charted it up by week! (+/- 3)

  3. Sleeves

    Hotties Mr. Stuef?

    Nate Silver? Sadly, Mr. Stuef immolated him with his own laptop battery…what? Using PAK (Parapsychological Astral Kinesis) IIRC…

  4. the bf

    why do you hate my pretend boyfriend? is it because he’s better at the maths than you?

  5. Sleeves

    [re=622756]the bf[/re]: We all knew it was coming…

    Yes, he just looks too bitterly well-laid.

  6. Tommmcatt

    Oh my god, isn’t this over YET? I still have no idea what a journo-list is or why I should care. Who started all this anyway?

    It is like a scandal, only boring and unremarkable.

  7. slavojzizek

    This has something to do with him predicting 899 out of the last 900 elections in the US, and still not being able to get a date. Hopefully an attack from Tucker Carlson will result in a pity-fuck. At least that is his theory.

  8. Advocatus_Diaboli

    this is why I love me some wonkettes; not even the douchebag libruls are spared being called douchebag libruls.

    oh, and Nate, it probably goes without saying but get over yourself – you’re one keyboard cat on a surfboard away from being relevant.

  9. Cicada

    Come now, Mr. Stuef. Methinks you protest too much.
    Silver is posting about this because his blog is aimed at political junkies and wonks. You know, the only people who gave a shit about the JournoList “scandal” in the first place.

  10. Fuck Toad

    I’m pretty sure that Silver was just trying to put Journolist in a bit of context, but he deserves a few snap-kicks to the junk for his incessant banshee wails about how fucked the Democrats are. His own projected outlook for the Democrats has improved significantly, but he’s still all “This is good news for John McCain, the Republicans have a 10% chance of taking the Senate, up 2% from last time, HENNGH.”

    And now he’s apologizing for having an actual opinion and promising to be a perfect little post-partisan drone at the New York Times. I have this serious urge to give that guy a swirlie.

  11. facehead

    Mr. Stuef, the official Wonkette position on Nate Silver is that we all want to touch his butt.

  12. Gorillionaire

    Nate got like half a million dollars (in pre-depression dollars!) and some other blow job perks for whatever book deal he got, so I don’t think he has too much trouble getting dates.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    You are obviously busy trying to get yourself into supermarket tabloids with tearful stories about how your copy of Microsoft Word used to fondle you when you were a kid.

    Oh, that’s low — especially since Nate (how old is he — 28?) probably was a Mac baby. And Microsoft Word cleaned up all those pedophilia allegations in some of the earlier versions. That WordPerfect, though, was a filthy bastard.

  14. Jack Stuef

    [re=622783]Cicada[/re]: Yes, but he’s making it about himself, and he’s not part of the controversy. He’s self-flagellating a bit for having a viewpoint, as Fuck Toad noted. It’s silly.

    [re=622791]facehead[/re]: Nobody said we no longer want to touch his butt.

  15. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=622799]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Aren’t we missing the bigger picture here? Nate is a baseball nerd / statistician: he uses Excel. May God have mercy on his soul.

  16. Butterscotch Stalin

    Hmm, a self-indulgent blog post you say? That must cross some line somewhere. Surely.

  17. Abe Linking Verbs

    [re=622810]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Adding to the nerd out, Nate probably doesn’t use excel. Excel sucks hard at stats and can’t do a reliable regression analysis for anything.

    OK I’ll go back to my single apartment now.

  18. user-of-owls

    [re=622834]Abe Linking Verbs[/re]: Doesn’t matter what he uses, no one should be listening to the man. He’s a known homoskedast.

  19. gradgrind

    Don’t be dissin my stats SAVIOR. Don’t be bringin your thesaurus to a numbers fight.

  20. FlownOver

    Self-immunization at a high level. Possibly the only known instance of solo ookie mouth.

  21. Imusthaveleftmyhouseat8

    [re=622765]slavojzizek[/re]: Even “electoral-vote.com” with its lame ass algorithm came closer to the actual number of Obama’s electoral votes than Nate. Why is everyone in love with Nate? Just because he’s so cuddly-cute?

  22. mustardman

    “…tearful stories about how your copy of Microsoft Word used to fondle you when you were a kid.”

    …………bAHAHAHAAHahahahahah!

  23. Cuthbert J Twillie

    A dark blue shirt with that complexion? My god! How I do so want to take that poor, sweet, straight boy shopping!

  24. Senhor Tambor

    <<>>

    Nahh…it has more of a “noogie and a wink” vibe. I’ll bet NS read this and is smiling with satisfaction of a job well done.

  25. Dreamer

    Jack, I thought Nate Silver was our pretend boyfriend. Why are you so hard on him. I can’t be bothered to read his post because anything relating to Journolist bores me to tears so you have to enlighten me.

  26. Radiotherapy

    [re=622890]OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin[/re]:
    Here’s a list (partial) of right-wing hate-mongering fucking retards.
    Spread the word:

    Mark Levin
    Rush Limbnuts
    Assity
    Glenda Beck
    Palin
    Bitebart
    I’m bored
    Already

  27. taylormattd

    Wait, this post is supposed to be about how Nate Silver is revealing his secret gay crush on me. Goddammit. Hands off my boyfriend bitches!

  28. taylormattd

    [re=622862]Cuthbert J Twillie[/re]: As long as I get to be in the dressing room while he’s changing.

  29. user-of-owls

    [re=622890]OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin[/re]: [re=622895]Radiotherapy[/re]: I have no earthly idea who “Matt Duss” is, but he must be an awfully important Trotskyite since he’s BOTH Number 17 AND Number 50 on the list. Unless, of course, there are two prominent lefty journalists named Matt Duss. That must be it.

  30. YeWaat?

    So wait…Nate is writing about JournoList and not getting ready for our fantasy wedding involving winged horses and flowery meadows and maybe some Twilight characters hanging around for background scenery?

  31. imissopus

    To be fair to Nate, he might be tired of friends and colleagues asking him what he thinks of the whole affair and just wanted to have his final say and be done with it. Methinks you’re being hard on him, Master Steuf.

  32. zhubajie

    “slavojzizek says — This has something to do with him predicting 899 out of the last 900 elections in the US, and still not being able to get a date.”

    Move to Thailand or Philippines, Nate, or China. Get laid, often. Scholars are actually admired in China.

    Zhu Bajie, wandering hellenist

  33. user-of-owls

    [re=622939]zhubajie[/re]: That’s nothing. Scholars in North Korea have predicted 900 of 900 elections in their country.

    Then they got a date. Of course it was dried and supposed to last him for a year, but hey, what they think they’d get, a fig?

  34. OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin

    [re=622920]user-of-owls[/re]: Mark Levin is the same person who thinks the KKK is liberal, so…

  35. CryHavoc

    I want to rub my crotch all over Nate Silver’s Face. I couldn’t care less about his AMAZING NUMBER CRUNCHING/ANALYZING NUMBERS super-human abilities. The tie that doesn’t match the shirt and the nerd glasses get me every time.

    That is all.

  36. Oh hell to the no

    I…I…think I love you Jack Stuef. Yep. I do.

    Plus, I hate Nate Silver’s glasses that double as workman’s eye protection.

    My new pretend political analysis boyfriend is Jack Stuef.

  37. Terry

    [re=622765]slavojzizek[/re]:
    “This has something to do with him predicting 899 out of the last 900 elections in the US, and still not being able to get a date.”

    Sort of like the World Cup predicting octopus, then?

  38. Terry

    [re=622935]imissopus[/re]:

    I think our Jack is being a bit too hard on Nate, too. Perhaps one too many Mountain Dews or Red Bulls?

  39. Sgt. Biyatch

    This reminds me of the time on South Park when Jimmy and Timmy square off in a fight.

    JOURNOFIGHT!!

  40. CryHavoc

    [re=622970]Sleeves[/re]: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Was that an insult? A compliment? Something else altogether?

    I stand by what I said. I love having torrid one-night stands with math nerds.

  41. Oh hell to the no

    [re=622952]user-of-owls[/re]: Well, they told him it was a date. It was really a well-crafted ball of dirt.

  42. NopantsMcGee

    Jesus, Wonkette. Did Nate run over your puppy? You went on for how many paragraphs that Nate …talked about his boring old emails for ….how many paragraphs?

  43. Sleeves

    [re=623010]CryHavoc[/re]: So sorry! A compliment. (Always!) Some posts seem, to me, to be a précis (of my conceit) of the mood.

    I am a math nerd.

  44. CryHavoc

    [re=623069]Sleeves[/re]: I will only have a torrid one-night stand with you if Nate Silver can watch. While he’s wearing those glasses and possibly an ugly tie that he picked up in Wal*Mart. And socks.

  45. Sleeves

    Long as you’re into etymology, you’re on!

    (Hmm, complyment…it’s French…you’ve already reformed my pronunciation.)

  46. Enslave the Whales

    Jack — just a little point re: consistency. You mention that Nate’s undoubtedly unnecessary post is “incredibly long”. While that phrase could not be applied to your own post, I am sure that Nate could do a quick word-length distribution (indeed, he may already have done so) to show that this post is “abnormally long” for a Jack Stuef post, hence eat your own petard, or whatever.

    BTW, on the subject of long posts, thank you for every word regarding Ms. Sherrod. You had me even before “FUCK YOU.”

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