of course he did yo

Michael Steele Caught Trying To Hide $7 Million In RNC Debt

Woah, cool your jets, my main man.RNC Treasurer Randy Pullen dropped a line to members of the party’s budget committee yesterday just to let them know Michael Steele has hidden about $7 million in debt from him lately. This made the RNC’s “war chest” (boobs) look bigger than usual, so this was a job well done by Mike. However, that is not exactly legal, so the party could face huge fines from the Federal Election Commission for doing this. Fun! Hope that $7 million in debt was spent on only the best lesbian sex shows!

The Washington Times also has learned that former Federal Election Commission Chairman Michael E. Toner has been retained as outside counsel to the RNC, a move Mr. von Spakovsky called unusual and significant.

“The RNC normally uses its own inside counsel to deal with the FEC,” said Mr. von Spakovsky, a Heritage Foundation legal scholar. “But if I had a really serious problem with the FEC, Michael Toner is one of the first guys I would turn to help me out.”

Yeah, they are in trouble. Good work, Mike.

Considered one of the hottest campaign-finance legal talents the GOP has in town, Mr. Toner

Okay, we will stop you there, Washington Times. Lolz. “One of the hottest campaign-finance legal talents!” Jesus Christ! This fucking city!

Can we get Tom Vilsack to fire Michael Steele? Yeah, he doesn’t have any justification for firing Steele either, but this is just getting sad.

Just fire him, Republicans. If you are worried about the black thing, hire Alan Keyes. Certainly he is available. YES, he may be a bit crazy, but you have to at least try somebody else. [Washington Times]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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54 comments

  1. Asa Hawks

    Thank you Jack. You have been bringing me some pretty amazing news/opinion lately. Kudos to you, sir!

  2. Tommmcatt

    I would pay seven million myself if Alan Keys would assume that chair. It would totally be worth it.

  3. Snookums

    In a stunning political move Alvin Greene switches parties and becomes the new RNC chairman.

  4. Serolf Divad

    Andrew Breitbart has a video of Michael Steele admitting that he stole the $7 million, 24 years ago just after Obama orderd the invasion of Afghanistan.

  5. charlesdegoal

    Mr. von Spakovsky suddenly pops into this story. Sounds like some lugubrious character played by Peter Lorre.

  6. snideinplainsight

    If the RNC is running out of Toner, just turn it upside down and shake it a bit! It works almost every time!

  7. AnnieGetYourFun

    That man from in the Netflix ads from The Book of Eli looks pretty competent. Also, scary. Maybe the RNC could hire him as a replacement?

  8. Sharkey

    This must be the same “Republican voter-suppression guru Hans Von Spakovsky” that TPM used to go on and on about. Jack, you might want to read up on this guy, he’s a gold mine.

  9. TakingAmes

    The names are obviously fake. Mr. von Spakovsky? Is that the best they could do? What is this, Dragnet?

  10. Gorillionaire

    Just wait until somebody else goes and hires the best and hottest COUNTER-campaign-finance legal talents in DC! Then what ya gonna do, Steele!

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Wait — you’re saying that the head of the Party of Fiscal Responsibility ™ uses sham accounting and hides massive debt? This is clearly a preposterous slander perpetrated against the Republicans by a vindictive Democrat Party that’s growing desperate in its attempt to garner voter support after disastrously giving Americans a (shot at) affordable healthcare, reforming Wall Street and other socialist power-grabs. They owe the Party of Grant an apology.

  12. weejee

    Do you think Michael is having second thoughts, sorta like the guy on the gallows feels when the trap door springs?

    Nah, he’s the Steele Machine! That namby pamby FEC ain’t gonna be a problem for him, he’ll take ‘em pole dancing. Oh, that was a slip, never mind.

  13. OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin

    [re=622666]Joehoya[/re]: They’re even better with actual lesbians in them, but good luck finding any of those.

  14. V572625694

    [re=622662]Sharkey[/re]: [re=622663]TakingAmes[/re]: It’s really Baron von Spankovski, and he’s an S&M guru. “I’ve been very bad, Baron von Spankovski! Are you going to punish me now?”

    [re=622665]SayItWithWookies[/re]: If the Washington Times is covering it, it must really be egregious.

  15. Ruhe

    [re=622665]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This could all be a matter of semantics. Perhaps what Mr. Pullen is referring to as hidden debt is actually an asset in the form of a collatoralized debt obligation and the money that appears to be missing is actually just tied up in tranches held by Chinese retirees. It’s all good.

  16. Extemporanus

    If there’s one person this great nation eminently qualified to advocate against assigning undue importance to niggling numerical bugaboos, it’s noted legal scholar, former RNC Chief Counsel, and Bush-Cheney 2000 presidentail campaign General Counsel Michael E. “Outta” Toner, Esq.

  17. m_supercomputer

    I hope you’re using reverse-psychology on them, M. Steuf, because I for one will miss Michael Steele desperately when he’s fired in disgrace. …well, okay, *when* that happens I’ll just be amused a lot, but afterward! I mean, the Michael Steele puppet character on the Daily Show alone is clearly the greatest thing the Republican party has contributed to society in at least 50 years.

  18. President Inaugural Balls

    Listen up Racists! Michael Steele performs mad hip-hop alchemy, and turns bad shit (bad meaning “bad,” not bad meaning “good” for all you honkies out there) into ‘bling’ (rims, war chests, etc…).

  19. m_supercomputer

    [re=622662]Sharkey[/re]: I haven’t heard of him, but I believe it – the identifying title “Heritage Foundation legal scholar” is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one.

  20. JMP

    It was a nice quid pro quo; the Republicans tried to filibuster the financial reform bill, and in return Goldman Sachs and friends gave them accounting advice.

  21. Extemporanus

    [re=622681]Extemporanus[/re]: I hid $7 million in “in” debt in the first sentence.

    (PLEASE DON’T RAT ME OUT, YOU GUYS!)

  22. you didn't ask, but

    Isn’t this what the GOP did with the war budget when Bush was president? Well, *he* got away with it…this, this is prejudice!

  23. Oldskool

    Damn, and that $7 million was from April and May. Can’t wait to see what he had to have in June. Probably a $3 million vault to keep it in.

  24. WhatTheHeck

    So what’s the big deal? So some money goes missing.
    Then mysteriously some repubs running in the upcoming election get a windfall of cash from… from… god. Yeah. that’s it.

  25. JMP

    [re=622691]m_supercomputer[/re]: It looks like the Moonies got his title wrong, anyway; it should be Heritage Foundation “legal” “scholar”. And von Spakovsky sounds like a comic book villain’s real name created by Stan Lee.

  26. GOPCrusher

    [re=622665]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m going to go with Michael Steele is a Democratic plant, with a mission to undermine the Movement from within.

  27. just pixels

    This is a great — a perfect — opportunity to show what Reaganomics can do. Cut “taxes” (donations) and watch that debt melt away!

  28. One Yield Regular

    Doesn’t Michael Steele know that debt is the diametrical opposite of freedom? He’d better get on the phone with the RNC’s Sharron Angle Makeover Team just to insure they’re all on the same page.

  29. Surfeit O'Hubris

    Maybe Grover hasn’t gotten his soup order right because he also has to prep the stage for the lesbian sex show?

  30. Mull_Man

    Brevity, Jack. Try it some time.

    (At this rate wonkette will become a version of 538, only w/o all the mathy stuff).

  31. sati demise

    [re=622655]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: They even steal from each other!
    Tell me again why these guys are portrayed in the lamestream media as the fiscal conservatives?

  32. TheWaltonFirm

    [re=622688]m_supercomputer[/re]: I dont really like to regurgitate TDS here, but their line about Steele “running a ponzi scheme of stupid” was pretty accurate

  33. Mista Eko

    Remember in 2009 at the Press Corps dinner and Obama was all “for the last time, Michael, the republican party does not qualify for a bailout” and everyone laughed?

    You must understand that the man never cracks a joke.

  34. AxmxZ

    I knew that “Republicans out-raise Democrats in the last few months” story was bogus.

  35. M.Steele

    Dammit, another knife in the back, come on guys….same team here. Anyone listening here? Assholes.

  36. zhubajie

    I hope Mr. Steele has hidden the money well. Brazil might be the right place for him; it suited Ronnie Biggs for a long time.

Comments are closed.