The President of All Media.Have you downloaded Al Qaeda’s new summer jam PDF online magazine? No? Maybe that is because a) you’re not really “trying to decide whether to join the jihad against the West,” or b) the magazine sucks. Slate‘s Christopher Beam, last seen taking Liz Cheney’s Weeping Eagle Award home from a bar, has some helpful advice for the publishers of Al Qaeda’s Inspire. Like, you dumbasses, have you heard of HTML, or blogging? Who wants to download a 67-page PDF? Is Al Qaeda trying to kill us all by inkjet depletion?

Improve SEO. You’re harder to find than Osama. Type inspire into Google, and you get pharmaceutical companies, roofing services, and hair products. Search engines favor articles with keywords like jihad and al-Qaida at the top. Instead of vague metaphors like “The West Should Ban the Niqab Covering Its Real Face,” use straightforward SEO-friendly headlines like “Die Filthy Western Infidels Jihad Al-Qaida 9/11.”

This is good advice for Wonkette contributors, too!

What Inspire really needs is an editor as sociopathic and anti-American as what’s his name, Brietbart. A real Hollywood slimeball who will sit up all night pecking out Twitter posts against the United States! [Slate]

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  1. Once Al Quaeda manages to switch over from that PDF shit, they should try to type of a lot of diatribes against loose Western sexual mores and porn, making sure to use the words “sex” and “porn” a lot; these are the most popular Google searches, get that hit rate up. Also keep up on which celebrities are getting heavy coverage in the Western tabloids and be sure to reference them.

  2. It’s no Daily Caller, that’s for sure. Now there’s a catchy name, Daily Caller — I wonder how much brainstorming it took for Tucker to come up with that one. If having the initials DC was his only goal, he could’ve gone with Dystopian Crap or maybe Douchebag Concubines. Daily Caller — that sounds like an invitation to ignore them. “Yeah, that’s the Daily Caller — I mostly let it roll over to voicemail — it’s not like he won’t call back tomorrow.”

  3. You know, it’s worth pointing out that the Supreme Court recently ruled that it’s perfectly legal to send predator drones after anyone who gives web design tips to terrorist organizatiosn. I’m just saying, watch out, Slate’s Christopher Beam!

  4. I would download the magazine, but I’m worried that Carnivore will pick it up and think from the title that I’m some right wing Christian militiaist, and the Obama-troopers will hustle me away to Gitmo for re-education.

  5. Perhaps a short, edited film showing some American(s) trying to stop Muslins from building a mosque in their supposed country of religious freedom.


  6. It does suck. The centerfold has been filled with so many censor bars that it’s completely black. How am I supposed to fap to that?

  7. It seems that many copies of the magazine have been corrupted by the insertion of a set of cupcake recipes.

    Now, some may see this as an indication of an amateurish job, or perhaps some sort of Mossad counter-terror operation – the recipes, after all, are by Dulcy Israel. (Please note I have not made any of this up – well, not up to this point.)

    I think we cannot discount a much more serious possibility, though – that the recent explosion of cupcake shops in the U.S. is really an Al-Qaeda plot; that the cupcakes being made in your mom’s kitchen and the bombs being made in your mom’s kitchen are one and the same. Death to America will arrive this time with a sweet topping and in a convenient bite-size form.

  8. Dear Ken:

    Speaking of redesigned webzines, I’d like to sincerely thank you and the esteemed Wonkette World Wide Web Industries LLC executive board (your wife and kids?) for bucking this fucking firing fad, and just cold hiring (conscripting?) the shit out of peeps over the last month.

    After much-beloved (and still missed, kinda!) ginger minge what’s-his-nuts pulled a Palin, there were more than a few among us, I’m sure, who boarded the “HTTP Wonkette” with some level of less-than-enthuastic expectation.

    However, with the expanded powers of talented old hands like Josh, Lauri, and (overly oily) Mr. Garrett; saucily sassy Sara 2.0 (a cuckoo coup, that one!); the flava-adding, always-“interesting”, ghey-ass and/or artistic esoteria of Evan and Benji; guest bloggaz such as the righteously erudite, improbably-named Fonzworth Cord Bentley Jefferson III; and most notably, young “Jeremiad” Jack, who — Bieber-besotted Blingees aside — continues to improve in quality posts of exceptional (and essential) quantity, our Wonkette remains a welcome respite for wry-on-the-rocks-aholics such as myself.

    I’m not sure if the poll we smoked a while back had anything to do with the above, but if so, ’twas a hunnert Ameros well spent, sir.

    One suggestion: Please write a note or something to help get Riley out of Chess Club or whatever so that he’s able to do more than just regurgitate right wing retard rumors (at which he excels). Speaking as an old skool Onion-and-magazine editor-ex, the restrictive repetition inherent in cranking out crafty one liners can be creativity-crushing. The “Waggamuffin’s” got it in him to go long (and has, once or thrice), and would no doubt benefit from the babe/boy/baby boi(?)-bait-bolstering bylines.

    Finally, the First Annual Wonkette Weeping Eagle Awards documentary music video was a revelation — you are disconcertingly taller than your beard would suggest. If Liz ain’t too busy being downsized, more “To Catch a Predator”-esque snuff pr0n of that sort would be faptactular.

    Adversely verbosely yours,

    (p.s. Advice for Al Qaeda: Please do not put staples through the middle of your centerfolds — it makes fucking rolled-up copies of your publication an overly painful experience. Thank you.)

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