PREPARE A 96TH THESIS  11:21 am July 21, 2010

Cowardly Louisiana Bishops Terrified Of Assassins

by Josh Fruhlinger

This was a good movie, and a cautionary taleAmerica’s founders clearly intended for us to go to church daily or even hourly, and they also clearly intended for us to carry concealed weapons at all times; therefore, it seems logical that the 1st and 2nd amendments should be read as a seamless whole, indicating that, while we pray to the American Jesus, we should have a firearm hidden somewhere on our person. Restoring this basic truth has been a recent enthusiasm of gun rights crusaders, with several legislative victories in our more shoot-y states, Louisiana is among them! But does Louisiana’s law go far enough? Apparently not, as a cabal of men in dresses is stopping the state’s papists from packing heat while participating in the church’s traditional rituals of simulated cannibalism.

Why do these big-hat-wearing freaks hate America?

Concealed handguns won’t be allowed in Roman Catholic churches, despite a new state law allowing them.

“We don’t think it is appropriate to have guns in churches,” Danny Loar, executive director of the Louisiana Conference of Catholic Bishops — the church’s public policy arm in Louisiana, said Monday.

The law allows concealed handguns in churches, synagogues or mosques for those with a valid permit and training. It also says those with authority over a church have the final say in their church.

Honest, permit-carrying Americans would for the most part bring guns into church only to prevent crimes (muggings in the pews being endemic). But it’s possible that the Catholic bishops might fear someone with a grudge, like a victim of priestly sexual abuse, or someone who is trapped in a loveless marriage, or someone who wanted an abortion, or a woman of more or less any description. If one of these people were to lunge at a priest with a sword, say, or their bare hands, he could probably fend them off with one of those big chalices, or maybe a large, heavy crucifix if one were handy. But the Vatican’s best theologians have yet to develop a method for casting bullet-blocking spells consistently. So, better safe than sorry! If by “safe” we mean “crushing America’s basic freedoms under your boot heel.”

The Vatican had no comment on the controversy, since none of these bishops actually work for the worldwide institution known as the “Catholic Church.” “Louisiana?” said somebody who answered the phone at St. Peter’s. “Never heard of it.” Meanwhile, the state’s approximately 18,000 trailer-based Independent Free Will Baptist Churches have opened their arms to former mackerel-snappers who chose safety through strength over the false comforts of Rome’s Whore of Babylon. [AP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 48 comments }

ManchuCandidate July 21, 2010 at 11:23 am

Exactly…

Who knew that kid touching would have such nasty consequences?

Autochthon July 21, 2010 at 11:26 am

Dang, Josh, you’re on a roll today!

Mr Blifil July 21, 2010 at 11:26 am

Oh no guns in church? What are you going to do about it, dude in a dress? Use your guilt rays to shame the gun bearer into submission while giving you a blow job?

JMP July 21, 2010 at 11:30 am

Besides revenge, they also may be afraid some of the altar may come armed for self-defense purposes.

And hey, the American Catholic church has been joined itself to the Republican party for years now to try and force pregnant women to give birth and stop those sluts from doing anything to prevent pregnancy in the first place, along with keeping gays as second-class citizens, while ignoring how the party went against their ostensible teachings against war and capital punishment, and for helping the poor. So they have no right to complain if they get burned by their allies here.

maven July 21, 2010 at 11:33 am

Apparently the Johnny Cash song, “don’t take your gun to town” is now banned in Louisiana.

WarAndG July 21, 2010 at 11:36 am

Now the ubiquitous criminals always lurking nearby will know when the Governor is unarmed. He should convert to baptist.

actor212 July 21, 2010 at 11:37 am

If Jesus is truly “with them,” he’ll send angels down with flak jackets and assault weapons.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 21, 2010 at 11:40 am

Having the Catholic Church be the voice of reason in this debate is surely one of the signs of the impending rapture.

rafflesinc July 21, 2010 at 11:41 am

Oh lawdy. So the rank and file can’t have their guns or their condoms, but the pope still rides around in his pimpmobile?

freakishlystrong July 21, 2010 at 11:41 am

WWJP?

weejee July 21, 2010 at 11:42 am

40 cal or gtfo

JMP July 21, 2010 at 11:43 am

[re=622201]Mr Blifil[/re]: “Put the gun down, or else I won’t ever again let you eat this cracker I’ve magically turned into human flesh. Yes, I know it still looks and tastes just like a cracker, but it’s flesh now, trust me. And you’ll suffer for eternity because you don’t eat it.”

PrimlyStable July 21, 2010 at 11:47 am

If America’s founders wanted people to carry guns why didn’t they put it in the actual constitution, rather than leaving it out of the original and then amending it four years later?

That’s always puzzled me.

Ruhe July 21, 2010 at 11:47 am

[re=622215]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: If so it may be that all of this “concealed carry” frenzy is part of The Lord’s plan to be sure that the army of the “left behind” will be well armed against Satan. After the Rapture just sort through the piles of clothes you find on the street and you’re likely to find a hand gun.

Doglessliberal July 21, 2010 at 11:49 am

Josh, In Bruges alt-text reference? Great movie.

Serolf Divad July 21, 2010 at 11:50 am

Leaving your gun in the glove compartment before you come in to church makes baby Jesus cry.

PrimlyStable July 21, 2010 at 11:57 am

I’m waiting for an NRA spokesman to claim that Thomas √† Becket would still be alive today if only the law-abiding members of the congregation at Canterbury Cathedral had been allowed to bring their guns inside with them.

Lazy Media July 21, 2010 at 12:15 pm

It actually turns out that the only church where you NEED a gun for self protection is a Unitarian Universalist church. But those hippies don’t believe in turning a shooting spree into a gunfight; they just physically tackled the shooter, which was cowardly and unfair.

user-of-owls July 21, 2010 at 12:19 pm

The pistol-hiders are gathering their armies and soon will lay siege to Vatican City.

Lazy Media July 21, 2010 at 12:20 pm

Hey, any chance this could bring back some good, old-fashioned anti-Catholic bigotry in the South? ‘Cause it makes me uncomfortable to see Babdists and mackerel snappers standing shoulder to shoulder; it’s not natural.

just pixels July 21, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Around the time Roy Moore wanted the government to display the Ten Commandments everywhere, some guy walked into a church down South and shot, like, everyone. Too bad that church didn’t adopt Moore’s Law to prevent shootings. But no law or commandment will stop someone with hatred in his or her heart from bring a gun to church. Those who truly cherish God’s word, would not want to violate His house with firearms.

As the Second Amendment says, “if you outlaw guns, only criminals will have guns”. And as the Second Commandment says, “bless the Sabbath and keep it holy”.

Sara Benincasa July 21, 2010 at 12:25 pm

EXCELLENT photo choice, Josh.

Suds McKenzie July 21, 2010 at 12:35 pm

“simulated cannibalism” … You’ve Won my afternoon!1

finette July 21, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Hey, I’m just glad they didn’t bring back the bill to allow concealed-carry on university campuses (my workplace) for a third year in a row. Wasn’t ever planning to set foot in a church here anyway.

Also, I <3 In Bruges.

Dredd July 21, 2010 at 12:45 pm

The three richest counties in the U.S. are spook counties. I think spooks are packin heat when they go to church.

GreenHalo July 21, 2010 at 1:10 pm

See, anti-weapons hippies, here it is… one more time… the thing about criminals? IS THEY DON’T OBEY THE LAW.

You really think that if Klebold & Harris had seen a big “No Guns!” sign on the school door, they’d have slumped their shoulders and then turned around and taken their duffel bags back home?

You really think that banning all gun ownership, everywhere, period, will work any better than making pot just as illegal? And if you think the criminals will turn over their iron on Gun Amnesty Day, could you pass me that spliff?

Most importantly, do you think you don’t pass dozens, maybe hundreds, of armed men and women every day, none of whom pull out their hoglegs and blast you into dog food?

Stop being such fucking Republicans about this. Think it through! Realistically! And for Christ’s sake remember rule #1 about criminals before you start drawing a disarmament Laffer Curve.

GreenHalo July 21, 2010 at 1:18 pm

[re=622310]Dredd[/re]: If by “spook” you mean M.I.B. types, yeah, some of those poor bastards have to carry 24/7, period, including on commercial air flights, at bar mitzvahs, while having a backyard BBQ, taking their kids to the mall, volunteering at the neighborhood bake sale, etc., etc. Pretty sure they don’t say “oops, gotta remove all my gear, it’s time to go listen to sermons for two hours! Gosh, that’s an exception to the terms of my employment!”

Chet Kincaid July 21, 2010 at 1:48 pm

As you all may remember from Sunday School, Jesus shot up the motherfucking moneylenders in the Temple who had turned it into a den of thieves, because he owneth the One True Permit To Carry.

“Jesus H. Christ. This time, he’s turning the other cheek…into hamburger.”

Oblios Cap July 21, 2010 at 2:05 pm

[re=622441]Chet Kincaid[/re]:

I remember that story – the preacher told us that what Jebus did was okay because the moneylenders were all Jewish.

Crankenstank July 21, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Don’t those haters remember the part of the Bible where Jesus told people to take their swords, and beat them down into plowshares, and then refashion the plowshares into high-capacity carbon-coated dual action magazines with anti-jam spring-loading? Because the founding fathers who ripped our Constitution from the pages of the Bible sure did.

qaf July 21, 2010 at 2:16 pm

[re=622349]GreenHalo[/re]: Yes, you’re right. We should, all of us, be required to carry a gun at all times. “An armed society is a polite society.” All those kids at Virginia Tech wouldn’t have died if they’d all been packing heat.

Set a strawman against a strawman…

GOPCrusher July 21, 2010 at 2:21 pm

[re=622349]GreenHalo[/re]: Heh, hogleg. I LOL’d.

Chet Kincaid July 21, 2010 at 2:26 pm

[re=622494]Crankenstank[/re]: Even better is the story from Exodus in which, after the Lord held back the Red Sea and the Children of Israel safely crossed, Moses and Aaron laced the seabed with C4 and buried propane tanks, then blasted Pharoah’s Army to the Underworld as they charged in, blowing off the Sphinx’s nose in the process.

JMP July 21, 2010 at 2:30 pm

[re=622349]GreenHalo[/re]: It’s too bad there’s no other countries, like almost every other developed nation in the world, that have effective gun bans that we could learn from.

GreenHalo July 21, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=622502]qaf[/re]: No, Grasshopper, we shouldn’t all carry RPGs and grenades at all times, and an armed society is a society where lots of people wind up getting shot. But this magical Just Say No bullshit only stirs up the militia types without accomplishing diddly. It’s like electric cars that have to be plugged into a socket in the garage and meanwhile, coal is still being burned.

Although… to take another example… how about the Montreal 14? You think it might have been the Montreal 2 or even the Montreal 1, if some law-abiding, conflict-avoiding individual (either on the boys’ side or the girls’ side of the room) had quickly put two and two together and decided martyrdom sucks, and standing around watching sucks, and maybe there was a third option? And they’d had a pistol in their book bag? Say no. Tell me Canadians are that fucking polite.

The law-abiding women got cut down and the criminal asshole forgot about the weapons charge he was adding to the “mass murder” charge, because he didn’t give a shit. Get it? Even in a surveillance society, people still buy, sell, and carry weapons illegally, and there aren’t enough TSA goons to ogle everyone who walks through a door with their frigging X-Ray Spex.

TakingAmes July 21, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Even my most libertarian, “the 2nd amendment guarantees my right to carry a gun wherever I damn well please” friend thinks it’s stupid to allow concealed carry in church.

[re=622475]Oblios Cap[/re]: Didja point out that Jesus was also Jewish? Did his head explode?

GreenHalo July 21, 2010 at 3:12 pm

[re=622521]JMP[/re]: Yeah, right after we learn how not to consume 20x our share of resources, and how to operate nuclear plants without screwing up like drunks with fireworks, and how to build levees that don’t fail (and how to rebuild destroyed cities), and how not to let land-raping corporations buy their way into writing their own regulatory laws, and how to teach sex ed so that teen pregnancy and disease actually decline, and how to deal with drug use in a helpful way without enriching the Taser and Tear Gas Lobby and creating a permanent criminal underclass… then we can ask them the secret to not having centuries of gun ownership woven into their national history.

Then we’ll be the leetest country again, and can start lecturing other people without looking dumb. Until then… Of course, we could always start with the gun thing.

Kazoom July 21, 2010 at 5:12 pm

Simulated cannibalism? That’s for Protestants who haven’t got the balls for real Body and Blood. Transubstantiation or GTFO!

Lazy Media July 21, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Seriously, though, is there a less important issue than concealed carry in church? Nobody who has a concealed carry permit is going to do anything more heinous in church than accidentally shoot their own dick off, and nobody with a concealed weapon in church is EVER EVER EVER going to use it for anything other than an irritant to keep them awake in boring sermons. Percentage of concealed carry = low; percentage of armed attack against church = miniscule; intersection is practically nonexistent.

Neilist July 21, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Yet another reason why I’m an EX-Irish Catholic.

That, and the car bombs out in the parking lot.

Jim89048 July 21, 2010 at 5:58 pm

[re=622228]PrimlyStable[/re]: Speaking as someone who has only cruised by our nation’s capitol one time on I-95 and therefore not in the know about the whereabouts of anything, my guess is it took at least four years to get K Street built. Nowhere to house the lobbyists before then. Sounds like utopia.

I live in a state with pretty liberal gun laws–open-carry, shall-issue CCW, etc. There are a few places you can’t pack. The local electric co-op, government buildings, some banks, casinos, etc. The open-carry folks love to go into these places sporting an empty holster. This is some kind of statement, I’m sure. The concealed-carry folks pretty much ignore all those signs, thereby making everyone else that much safer.

lochnessmonster July 21, 2010 at 6:05 pm

Please stay tuned for this story after the break. Next up: The NRA is suing to allow hand guns in school for “protection”.

zhubajie July 21, 2010 at 6:37 pm

[re=622266]Lazy Media[/re]: It went away?

Lascauxcaveman July 21, 2010 at 8:02 pm

[re=622590]GreenHalo[/re]: Actually, that’s a pretty good list you’ve got there, and I think we should start working on all those things.

But, yes starting out with the gun thing wouldn’t be a bad idea. You gotta start somewhere.

Barrelhse July 21, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Guns in churches makes perfect sense. Have any of you seen, or heard about, the ritual “collection plate?” They pass around a tray FULL of loose change- you can see where this could go if nobody was around to blow the fucking brains out of anybody who might even be thinking of TAKING some money OUT.. So, yeah, I mean I could see where you’d probably want to dust a few sinners occasionally, while doing god’s work. “Just helpin’ Ya out, Big “G”, no need to thank me!”

Barrelhse July 21, 2010 at 8:10 pm

And I sure could do with some Whore of Babylon, myself. Also.

Malketeer July 21, 2010 at 9:08 pm

Um, so would’t getting gunned down in church be like the greatest thing in the world for a Christian? I mean, it’s an instant ticket to Heaven, no? There you are, all freshly-absolved and whatnot, and then BAM! hollowpoint ticket to Jesusland. It’s not suicide, so it’s not a sin, right? Certainly the priests would get a ride on the up escalator – they’re God’s representatives on Earth!

You’d think the church would welcome small arms in the congregation. There should be Hymns! (some suggestions: Is this the morgue, or is this Heaven? Nine millimeters and ten commandments. Headshot me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life)

Man, it’s almost like these Jesus people don’t really believe the stuff they say they believe‚Ķ

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 21, 2010 at 11:53 pm

Will no one rid me of these turbulent priests?

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: