SOAR LIKE THE PROUD EAGLE YOU ARE  5:06 pm July 20, 2010

TRAGEDY: Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Has Ended His Bid For U.S. Senate

by Jack Stuef

We shall meet again, dear friend.Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. was supposed to be the FUTURE. Now our paranoid schizophrenic angel has decided to give up on us after failing to make it on the ballot. Pagels called Wonkette, the world’s number-one source for Pagels information (besides that Wisconsin court database) to deliver the bad news. “I’m just letting you know I’m getting out of the race for U.S. Senate,” he said, heartbreakingly. “God bless you.” At times like these it is easy to decide that you will never be elected to office. But that is not what HISTORY says.

Go in your time machine and tell a man named Barack Obama that he should have given up after losing his Congressional primary only 10 years ago. Go to 1974 and tell a man named Bill Clinton to quit after he lost his House race in a landslide. Go back to just about any time in George W. Bush’s life and tell him he should continue to give up on his easy failure of a life via alcohol and drugs.

This is not the end. But still we mourn you for this campaign, Ernest.

And also here is this tribute song we made:

Now we depart. But stay strong, Ernest. Keep publicly urinating on homosexuality, abortion, and pornography.

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Hola wonkerados.

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JMP July 20, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Maybe he’s following Palin’s example, quitting to get a head jump on 2012?

Barrelhse July 20, 2010 at 5:11 pm

I’m shattered! Jesus told me to vote for him! Wait- can I get my 10 bucks back?

jus_wonderin July 20, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Ernest J. Pagel, Jr.!

Okay, an interactive post. Everybody. Look right. Now, look left.

When I give the word you will look back and remember the exact moment when Pagel threw in the towel on his Senate bid.

Okay, ready?

Look back.

Ken Layne July 20, 2010 at 5:13 pm

That original composition … “Love Theme From the Ernest J. Pagels Junion Campaign,” I believe it’s called … that’s a beautiful thing.

SayItWithWookies July 20, 2010 at 5:16 pm

That’s terrible news — however, over the weekend a new treasure trove of crazy appeared — Jim Deakin at And he doesn’t have a staff and answers his own phone — and he wants you to call him, Jack!

Pourly Ritten July 20, 2010 at 5:24 pm

The Horror!

grendel July 20, 2010 at 5:27 pm

Actually, going back to tell Dubya to give up on his easy failure of a life would be a very good use of a time machine, if one had such a device.

actor212 July 20, 2010 at 5:29 pm

No more Pagels?

What will I do with all this novelty cream cheese I bought????

SmutBoffin July 20, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Well, since he got all of the Wonkette URL information down so explicitly, I can only assume Pagels Jr. is reading this RIGHT NOW!

progressiveinga July 20, 2010 at 5:30 pm

[re=621770]JMP[/re]: Exactly. Because remember, ‘only dead fish go with the flow’ and dead wolves that you shoot from a helicopter. And certain homos, too. Also.

pdiddycornchips July 20, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Godspeed sir. With the help of the good lord, a few lawyers and a ton of medication, you’ll find your rightful place on this earth.

GOPCrusher July 20, 2010 at 5:40 pm

[re=621770]JMP[/re]: Quitting before the general election got started? Pagels/Palin 12! Now that’s mavericky!

schlock and flaws July 20, 2010 at 5:50 pm

[re=621788]actor212[/re]: make cheesecake, of course, ala Betty Gravle….

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 5:51 pm

Hmm. So I guess Karl Marx had it backwards, at least in the case of Ernest J. Pagels Junior.

History repeats itself…

Extemporanus July 20, 2010 at 5:52 pm

Don’t despair, Wonketteers!

You can still catch Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. performing his hilarious Tommy Thompson impression in person at the Quack Factory off Highway 13 in the Dells.

He’ll be there all week folks! Try the cheese curds, and don’t forget to tip your cow!

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Kind of early for a concession speech, no?

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 5:59 pm

But stay strong, Ernest.

Lame, Mr. Jack, lame. You had the perfect one all teed up but you shanked it. How could you NOT wrap it up with:

Shine on, you crazy whore diamond.

american mutt July 20, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Oh shit. Was I supposed to be typing the H T T P COLON SLASH SLASH before the website address all this time????

Joshua Norton July 20, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Dude. Go into the light already.

weejee July 20, 2010 at 6:11 pm

[re=621809]user-of-owls[/re]: Yeah, that would have been in the pink and tickle Adam’s mother’s heart or something like that. Ken, where did you stash the C20H25N3O?

maven July 20, 2010 at 6:13 pm

What he should have done was RESIGNED from running for office. Then he’d have a shot at the presidency!

President Inaugural Balls July 20, 2010 at 6:13 pm

I think we are finally seeing This American Life’s impact felt on the far right wing of the GOP. They had a show on “quitting” oh about 7 years ago. Taken quite a while to filter through to the wingnuts of this country, but they really have taken Ira’s viewpoint and run with it.

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 6:17 pm

[re=621815]weejee[/re]: I’m still a little Leary about Mr. Jack.

Holy Cow!! July 20, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Camera soars into the heavens as I scream, “Noooooooooooooooo!”

SmutBoffin July 20, 2010 at 6:29 pm

[re=621812]american mutt[/re]: It takes you to the real Wonkette, of which this is but a pale shadow.

BobTheBuilder July 20, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Anyone who lets a little setback like not getting on the ballot defeat him, doesn’t DESERVE our vote for Senator! Look at Sarah Palin: she lost the election for Vice President in 2008 but she’s the Shadow President right this very minute!

weejee July 20, 2010 at 6:39 pm

[re=621819]user-of-owls[/re]: Not sure are you that Jack dances Aldous Huxley fandango?

chascates July 20, 2010 at 6:42 pm

He should start a third party. I think about one third of Americans share his views and unbalances.

Radiotherapy July 20, 2010 at 6:58 pm

[re=621836]weejee[/re]: [re=621838]chascates[/re]: This certainly could open the doors to a new party. It’s always been a matter of perception with these people. Well, once he figures out who to piss off and then sue, sue, sue their asses.

el donaldo July 20, 2010 at 7:30 pm

This leaves the midterm elections out of balance with the Dao. Who’s going to be the crazy yin to Greene’s crazy yang?

JMP July 20, 2010 at 7:31 pm

[re=621786]Pourly Ritten[/re]: In the immortal words of Darth Vader, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 7:32 pm

[re=621836]weejee[/re]: No, still not convinced he should have left his job writing for the police blotter.

To be fair, though, I’m certain that Mr. Jack can do all 16 dances. Even the Aqua Velva.

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 7:35 pm

[re=621858]JMP[/re]: So that’s where the GOP got its legislative strategy.

iburl July 20, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Phew! That was a close one, porn. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you to that madman Ernest P. Worrell.

Dashboard_Buddha July 20, 2010 at 8:47 pm

[re=621787]grendel[/re]: Hell…if you had a time machine, why wouldn’t you go back and give George I and Babs a condom.

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 8:52 pm

[re=621885]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Or a hysterectomy. For both of them. Just to be sure.

zhubajie July 20, 2010 at 9:01 pm

Too bad we don’t have an Official Raving Loony Party for these people. Maybe try for school board next year?

JackDempsey July 20, 2010 at 9:03 pm

But if Rocky doesn’t get up off the mat, then I’m pretty sure that there will be no Rocky II.
And if there’s no Rocky II, there won’t be any Rocky III,IV,V, and VI.
And if there’s no Rocky III,IV,V, and VI, there won’t be any Superbowls, all of which were based on the Rocky story arc/rainbow.
And I don’t want to live in a Superbowl-less America.
I like the commercials. The animals talk and dance.

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 9:10 pm

[re=621890]JackDempsey[/re]: You, sir, are an odd botkin. Congratulations.

user-of-owls July 20, 2010 at 9:19 pm

[re=621891]user-of-owls[/re]: Errr, ‘bodkin’ evidently. Of course, this is from the race that has severe dyslexia when dealing with simple, straightforward “er” word endings and flagrantly wastes precious “u” vowels in any multitude of words that would suffice with an “o”.

mumblyjoe July 20, 2010 at 9:21 pm

[re=621885]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: [re=621888]user-of-owls[/re]: Because then they wouldn’t have wasted nearly enough of all that Prescott oil money on his repeated failures, and might have put some of it to a “good cause”? Or Jeb?

Brick Oven Bill July 20, 2010 at 9:39 pm

Who is smarter: Earnest or Alvin? Answer:

And we take a collective bow.

ladymacbeth July 20, 2010 at 9:49 pm

god. 2010 sucks.

southern mark smith July 20, 2010 at 10:14 pm

[re=621901]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: The Impotence of Being Ernest?

Zombie Bruno Kirby c’est mort. Vive Zombie Bruno Kirby.

sezme July 21, 2010 at 12:56 am

I will mourn in my own way tomorrow with a breakfast of pagels and cream cheese.

lawrenceofthedesert July 21, 2010 at 2:33 am

Does this mean that Ernest will have to return all the power suits and expensive high heels he bought at Barney’s and Needless Markup on a GOP credit card that he also used to get into an LA nightclub featuring simulated lesbian love scripted by middle aged white guys who play country club sports? No more women peering into the limo and screaming, “Ernest, is that you?” Perhaps this will free him to act in several awful Ernest comedy movies, though they may have to bill him as Son of Ernest. He and Michele Bachmann would be good for a remake of “Psycho.”

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