TRAGEDY: Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Has Ended His Bid For U.S. Senate

  soar like the proud eagle you are

We shall meet again, dear friend.Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. was supposed to be the FUTURE. Now our paranoid schizophrenic angel has decided to give up on us after failing to make it on the ballot. Pagels called Wonkette, the world’s number-one source for Pagels information (besides that Wisconsin court database) to deliver the bad news. “I’m just letting you know I’m getting out of the race for U.S. Senate,” he said, heartbreakingly. “God bless you.” At times like these it is easy to decide that you will never be elected to office. But that is not what HISTORY says.

Go in your time machine and tell a man named Barack Obama that he should have given up after losing his Congressional primary only 10 years ago. Go to 1974 and tell a man named Bill Clinton to quit after he lost his House race in a landslide. Go back to just about any time in George W. Bush’s life and tell him he should continue to give up on his easy failure of a life via alcohol and drugs.

This is not the end. But still we mourn you for this campaign, Ernest.

And also here is this tribute song we made:


Now we depart. But stay strong, Ernest. Keep publicly urinating on homosexuality, abortion, and pornography.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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46 comments

  1. jus_wonderin

    Ernest J. Pagel, Jr.!

    Okay, an interactive post. Everybody. Look right. Now, look left.

    When I give the word you will look back and remember the exact moment when Pagel threw in the towel on his Senate bid.

    Okay, ready?

    Look back.

  2. Ken Layne

    That original composition … “Love Theme From the Ernest J. Pagels Junion Campaign,” I believe it’s called … that’s a beautiful thing.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    That’s terrible news — however, over the weekend a new treasure trove of crazy appeared — Jim Deakin at JimDeakin.com. And he doesn’t have a staff and answers his own phone — and he wants you to call him, Jack!

  4. grendel

    Actually, going back to tell Dubya to give up on his easy failure of a life would be a very good use of a time machine, if one had such a device.

  5. SmutBoffin

    Well, since he got all of the Wonkette URL information down so explicitly, I can only assume Pagels Jr. is reading this RIGHT NOW!

  6. pdiddycornchips

    Godspeed sir. With the help of the good lord, a few lawyers and a ton of medication, you’ll find your rightful place on this earth.

  7. GOPCrusher

    [re=621770]JMP[/re]: Quitting before the general election got started? Pagels/Palin 12! Now that’s mavericky!

  8. Extemporanus

    Don’t despair, Wonketteers!

    You can still catch Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. performing his hilarious Tommy Thompson impression in person at the Quack Factory off Highway 13 in the Dells.

    He’ll be there all week folks! Try the cheese curds, and don’t forget to tip your cow!

  9. user-of-owls

    But stay strong, Ernest.

    Lame, Mr. Jack, lame. You had the perfect one all teed up but you shanked it. How could you NOT wrap it up with:

    Shine on, you crazy whore diamond.

  10. american mutt

    Oh shit. Was I supposed to be typing the H T T P COLON SLASH SLASH before the website address all this time????

  11. weejee

    [re=621809]user-of-owls[/re]: Yeah, that would have been in the pink and tickle Adam’s mother’s heart or something like that. Ken, where did you stash the C20H25N3O?

  12. maven

    What he should have done was RESIGNED from running for office. Then he’d have a shot at the presidency!

  13. President Inaugural Balls

    I think we are finally seeing This American Life’s impact felt on the far right wing of the GOP. They had a show on “quitting” oh about 7 years ago. Taken quite a while to filter through to the wingnuts of this country, but they really have taken Ira’s viewpoint and run with it.

  14. SmutBoffin

    [re=621812]american mutt[/re]: It takes you to the real Wonkette, of which this is but a pale shadow.

  15. BobTheBuilder

    Anyone who lets a little setback like not getting on the ballot defeat him, doesn’t DESERVE our vote for Senator! Look at Sarah Palin: she lost the election for Vice President in 2008 but she’s the Shadow President right this very minute!

  16. weejee

    [re=621819]user-of-owls[/re]: Not sure are you that Jack dances Aldous Huxley fandango?

  17. chascates

    He should start a third party. I think about one third of Americans share his views and unbalances.

  18. Radiotherapy

    [re=621836]weejee[/re]: [re=621838]chascates[/re]: This certainly could open the doors to a new party. It’s always been a matter of perception with these people. Well, once he figures out who to piss off and then sue, sue, sue their asses.

  19. el donaldo

    This leaves the midterm elections out of balance with the Dao. Who’s going to be the crazy yin to Greene’s crazy yang?

  20. JMP

    [re=621786]Pourly Ritten[/re]: In the immortal words of Darth Vader, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

  21. user-of-owls

    [re=621836]weejee[/re]: No, still not convinced he should have left his job writing for the police blotter.

    To be fair, though, I’m certain that Mr. Jack can do all 16 dances. Even the Aqua Velva.

  22. iburl

    Phew! That was a close one, porn. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you to that madman Ernest P. Worrell.

  23. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=621787]grendel[/re]: Hell…if you had a time machine, why wouldn’t you go back and give George I and Babs a condom.

  24. user-of-owls

    [re=621885]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Or a hysterectomy. For both of them. Just to be sure.

  25. zhubajie

    Too bad we don’t have an Official Raving Loony Party for these people. Maybe try for school board next year?

  26. JackDempsey

    But if Rocky doesn’t get up off the mat, then I’m pretty sure that there will be no Rocky II.
    And if there’s no Rocky II, there won’t be any Rocky III,IV,V, and VI.
    And if there’s no Rocky III,IV,V, and VI, there won’t be any Superbowls, all of which were based on the Rocky story arc/rainbow.
    And I don’t want to live in a Superbowl-less America.
    I like the commercials. The animals talk and dance.

  27. user-of-owls

    [re=621891]user-of-owls[/re]: Errr, ‘bodkin’ evidently. Of course, this is from the race that has severe dyslexia when dealing with simple, straightforward “er” word endings and flagrantly wastes precious “u” vowels in any multitude of words that would suffice with an “o”.

  28. mumblyjoe

    [re=621885]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: [re=621888]user-of-owls[/re]: Because then they wouldn’t have wasted nearly enough of all that Prescott oil money on his repeated failures, and might have put some of it to a “good cause”? Or Jeb?

  29. Brick Oven Bill

    Who is smarter: Earnest or Alvin? Answer:
    .
    .
    .
    Earnest.

    And we take a collective bow.

  30. lawrenceofthedesert

    Does this mean that Ernest will have to return all the power suits and expensive high heels he bought at Barney’s and Needless Markup on a GOP credit card that he also used to get into an LA nightclub featuring simulated lesbian love scripted by middle aged white guys who play country club sports? No more women peering into the limo and screaming, “Ernest, is that you?” Perhaps this will free him to act in several awful Ernest comedy movies, though they may have to bill him as Son of Ernest. He and Michele Bachmann would be good for a remake of “Psycho.”

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