Gallup Comes Up With Solution To Social Security Insolvency

  si se puede

See, the Social Security Administration website knows how to exactly meet our expectations.There has long been a lot of pessimism over Social Security. Those good-for-nothing Baby Boomers are going to bankrupt the system, just like they did to Lehman Brothers and Groovy Acid-Tripping, Inc. back in the day. But something came out today: Gallup took a poll and quantified that pessimism. It turns out 6 out of 10 workers do not believe Social Security will be able to pay them a benefit when they retire. That quantification may seem like a simple statement of fact, but really it’s a SOLUTION.

And that solution: Give Social Security to those who think they will get it, and don’t give Social Security to those who think they won’t! WE DID IT! THE SYSTEM WORKS!

The government should never try to operate beyond its citizens’ expectations, because when it does, people get disappointed. But if it operates exactly to expectations, everyone is mildly content. Hooray!

The government just needs to casually ask this question of every American worker and record their response, and then we are home free.

The check for our $35 billion consulting fee can be made out to Wonkette Media, Congress. You’re welcome, America. [Gallup]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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50 comments

  1. Jukesgrrl

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m expecting a BIG check. And soon. I think in California, they call that visualization.

  2. JMP

    As a child of Baby Boomers, they had better get their full Social Security benefits because I’m not making enough to take care of them.

  3. rafflesinc

    Reduce taxes on cigarettes. Philip Morris did a study on this ten years ago and found that more smoking meant less health care costs due to earlier deaths. I heard it on NPR so it must be true.

  4. mumblyjoe

    or or OR we could get rid of the completely nonsensical cap on the payroll tax that means the upper middle class pays into social security just as much as the insanely super-rich, but still somehow salaried, guy. That might also help, is all I’m saying.

  5. V572625694

    [re=621674]JMP[/re]: Get back to work! How about a double shift? I’m going to need your money very soon.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Americans could be mildly content with their government? Jack, you shouldn’t be hitting the homegrown if you didn’t bring enough to share.

  7. actor212

    Another solution that presents itself is to have one giant game of Russian Roulette amongst soon-to-be-retirees, but load 60% of the chambers.

    Of course, being Americans and therefore illnumerate, we would round up and load all the chambers.

    SOCIAL SECURITY IS SAVED!

    Wait. What?

  8. weejee

    [re=621674]JMP[/re]: Maybe you should start talking to the kids from Japan, China, Vietnam, and all like my kids are. You know, the youth in Asia.

  9. Extemporanus

    This Bobby Womack quote applies equally well to both pollsters and oldsters:

    “Leave them wanting more, and you know they’ll call you back.”

  10. actor212

    [re=621672]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I’m not sure. I think “California visualization” is when you either can see the Hollywood sign from Santa Monica, or Lindsay Lohan in court.

  11. slavojzizek

    Not at all a provocative polling question. No more than ” should Obama stop resisting calls to release his birth certificate?”

  12. Pourly Ritten

    I have always believed that I would get Social Security

    OK, you can send my check now—I really need it!

  13. Einstein'

    One word solution – Soylentburgers. Sixty five year olds are the veal of the Soylentes.

  14. TakingAmes

    [re=621674]JMP[/re]: Word. Though I think my boomer parents aren’t even counting on it for themselves.

  15. jus_wonderin

    I think a well placed woodchipper at the Sizzler – all you can eat salad bar could help? Of course, we’d need to dim the lighting a bit. Oh, and turn up the Muzak.

  16. FMA

    [re=621694]Larry Fine[/re]: See, my solution would be along the lines: Soylent Green is 60 percent people!

  17. pub_option

    [re=621688]actor212[/re]: Sounds too much like a death panel, we can’t have that.

  18. actor212

    [re=621702]jus_wonderin[/re]: Or, conversely, house the Social Security office in a 12-story block of flats combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The applicants arrive here at the double-thick doors and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these…

  19. JMP

    [re=621690]weejee[/re]: You know, there’s at least one septuagenarian being kept alive by a robotic heart paid for by government health care I can think of; dropping that would cut one the social security rolls by one.

  20. actor212

    [re=621705]pub_option[/re]: Zombie Charlton Heston would approve! He’d even give handjobs!

  21. WhatTheHeck

    Good god man. The solution is obvious. Give everyone who contributes to SS, a gun, Then whenever a boomer grumbles about his/her SS check, use the damned gun. Problem solved. Government once more solvent.

  22. One Yield Regular

    “Go, balloons! I don’t see anything happening. Go, balloons! Go, balloons! Go, balloons! Stand by, confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring them. Balloons, balloons, balloons! More balloons! Tons of them. Bring them down! Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet! No confetti. All right. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. We’re getting more balloons. All balloons. All balloons should be going. Come on, guys! Let’s move it. Jesus! We need more balloons! I want all balloons to go. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. Go, confetti! I want more balloons. What’s happening to the balloons? We need more balloons! We need all of them coming down. Go, balloons! Balloons! What’s happening balloons? There’s not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the f— are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down! More balloons! More balloons!”

  23. Prommie

    Twenty years of conservative propaganda along the lines of “its a ponzi scheme, its gonna go bankrupt, your never gonna get any benefits” has worked. Now that they have convinced the people that its worthless, the people will not yelp when they kill it, and effectively steal all those SSI payroll taxes that funded the tax cuts on the rich. Yay, another victory for the lying cocksuckers and their lying propaganda!

  24. Oldskool

    However that info came to be understood is important cause we need to use the same method to get everyone up to speed on all the other ugly truths. I’m looking at you, teabaggers.

  25. actor212

    [re=621703]FMA[/re]: Until a Republican becomes President and wrests control of the FDA. Suddenly, BOOM, it’s 50% dolphin again.

  26. jus_wonderin

    Will we atleast have free cheese when we retire? I mean, how will I coax my retirement meals into the traps without cheese?????? Answer me Congress!!

  27. Ducksworthy

    [re=621724]Prommie[/re]: Good thing they got out in front of health care with the death panels and all. Otherwise people would expect something from at first. Hmmmm. I did just get a letter from Blue Cross that I could save $1,000 a month in taxes by providing health insurance to my employees plus a free deluxe workout bag for each employee. But that has noting to do with the Gobermint. Thank Gawd for the wonders private health insurance and I’m sure glad the tea party saved us from the socialisms.

  28. JMP

    [re=621724]Prommie[/re]: Hell, the other day some republican (I forget who) proposed raising the age to 70 to “save” Social Security. The thing is, it ain’t broke, so we don’t need to fix it.

  29. Jim89048

    I beat the system by years! And all it cost me was a few body parts! Downside to this is the Medicares they’re gonna put me on in a few months. Well, that and all the AARP mail I get.

  30. slappypaddy

    wonderful range of solutions proposed here on wonkette today, the repository of the nation’s (rapidly dwindling) store of wisdom. let me add a reference to the “mark of gideon” solution, which has the added benefit of producing great amounts of organic fertilizer.

  31. GOPCrusher

    [re=621724]Prommie[/re]: Currently the wage cap on Social Security is 106,800 dollars. Remove that cap and have people pay into Social Security no matter how much they make. Hell, the overall SS tax rate could even be reduced and make Social Security solvent forever.

    Solvent Social Security=WIN
    Lower tax rate=WIN

    Much better idea than privatizing it and leaving the olds to fend for themselves.

  32. Ducksworthy

    [re=621741]JMP[/re]:

    Yeah. Social Security was set up when people had real jobs, made things and such, now everybody is a hedge fund manager and they can “work” until they’re 300 (with the Cheney TurboHeart installed). Does Medicare cover the TurboHeart?

  33. jus_wonderin

    There should be an incentive thrown in here so that people will “earn” their SS. First, you must be Christian. You must register with the NRA. You must be a lighter shade of palin. Though, if you happen to be orange, you qualify as well.

    EVERYBODY else, you just effin die. Now! Go on. Hurry off now.

  34. GOPCrusher

    Maybe the Eskimos had it right when they would set the elderly adrift on an ice floe to die. But with global warming, that may not be an option for too much longer.

  35. Extemporanus

    [re=621715]jus_wonderin[/re]: [re=621716]Extemporanus[/re]: Whoaaa…

    [re=621720]One Yield Regular[/re]: [re=621757]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Historical DOUBLE WIN.

  36. sati demise

    [re=621724]Prommie[/re]: yea, and then more tax cuts for teh richies will magically produce more revenues for the gov’mnt and we can pay off the deficit in, like, one year. Or two. yea, two years.

  37. Come here a minute

    I think I will get 100x my share of Social Security benefits…starting right now…I’m clicking my heels, people!

  38. KublaKant

    Put a $100 bill in an envelope and mail it to the name at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and mail this letter (otherwise unaltered or BAD LUCK will happen) to everyone on your facebook friends list plus twenty thousand other people. In just one month you will receive over $2 million dollars in untraceable $100 bills in the mail.

    Or win the lottery, it’s the new American Dream.

    Problem solved.

  39. zhubajie

    [re=621690]weejee[/re]: I talk with them every day. They are severely mis-informed, think the US has Germany’s healthcare system, that “Sleepless in Seattle” is for real, etc.

  40. villageatrois

    [re=621892]zhubajie[/re]: The US has borrowed Germany’s healthcare system; getting it “now” for a price to be determined “later”. This phenomenon is similar to war-escalator Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize “now” because he will earn it “later”, when he stops escalating the killing. The whole shebang is “grunge economics”, intended to last less than four years at a stretch. It’s not so persuasive to a non-retard who hasn’t taken ecstasy.

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