Hezbollah Theme Park Is the Perfect Destination Vacation For This Economy

  billy joel probably started the fire

Just look at the steely glares on the children's faces!Official U.S. terrorist group Hezbollah’s poorly named “Museum for Resistance Tourism” is a fun resort destination for children of all ages, and now it is open for business (jihad) in scenic Mleeta, Lebanon. ABC News has taken the tour, and it seems like it may be better than visiting Cleveland, at least! Like many tourist traps, this place tries to teach you boring history stuff, like you’d get at other hott vacay spots such as Gettysburg or Auschwitz. But it still has fun!

Our tour guide, a high school biology teacher named Rami, walked us through the exhibits. In one building he pointed to small arms left behind by Israeli forces, now stacked in stylized pyramids. Outside, a sunken terrace titled “The Abyss” holds the debris of Israeli tanks and equipment, arranged around what is meant to be a tombstone, emblazoned with the Hebrew acronym for the IDF.

Now they just have to add some pyrotechnics and it will be like one of those cool backlot tours in which the guide on the speaker says monotonously, “Oh no, you guys, it looks like we’re in a veritable Waterworld here.”

Rami has a ready answer when asked if the museum advances terrorist propaganda.

“I believe it’s our right to have our own propaganda. The important thing is that this is the sincere and true propaganda.”

Somebody saw Thank You for Smoking, eh, Rami?

The best part is probably the “aerial tramway offering scenic rides from Mleeta to an abandoned Israeli base on a nearby hill,” from the sound of it. It will also serve as an exciting part of a chase sequence once Hezbollah branches off into action movies.

But here’s the real reason everybody loves Mleeta:

“We’re going to build motels, playgrounds, camping areas, even spas or swimming pools so that all of the visitors — especially our people — can come here and spend their weekends or vacations, no need to worry about heavy financial duties,” said Rami.

NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT FINANCIAL DUTIES, YOU SAY, RAMI?

“Their explanation of why they’re doing it is consistent with their other work: as they would say, serving the poor. Now people who can’t afford the regular high-class Lebanese resort will have a place where they can relax,” [says Judith Palmer Harik, author of "Hezbollah: The Changing Face of Terrorism."]

FREE RESORT! FREE RESORT! FREE RESORT! Would the U.S, government would mind if we went to Hezbollah’s resort? It is kind of your fault that the economy is bad and we can’t afford Sandals, U.S. government. We promise to not become terrorists or give them any of our money, even if those frozen bananas look tempting. [ABC News via Wonkette pal Alex Hart]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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39 comments

  1. Ruhe

    Is it possible that the Hezbollah resort only appears free? When you actually arrive you have to sit through a powerpoint presentation on some sort of “time-share” form of terrorism in order to get the key to your “free” room?

  2. fictional character

    already sounds way better than east jerusalem.

    you annexed the wrong crappy town, israel!

  3. RoscoePColtraine

    This is going to go head to head with Florida’s own Holy Land Experience. Lebanon has the actual Holy Land nearby, but I believe Florida still has a sexy Jesus. Every day there’s a crucifixion at 12:00 and 3:00. Tough call.

  4. freakishlystrong

    Wouldn’t it be dreamy to get all the jesusnauts, (bahble Spice, crazy Shellly, Glennda), together and tell them they won a trip to the Creationist museum and send them here? And never let them out? A girl can dream can’t she?

  5. actor212

    I’m so looking forward to the “Bus Bomb Terror” ride, a roller coaster shaped like a Haifa city bus.

  6. Jim89048

    You’d have thought Pigeon Forge TN would have gotten ahead of this. Or maybe wherever the fuck that “creation museum” is.

  7. proudgrampa

    [re=621490]Ruhe[/re]: And, they offer you a “free” Waring Blender and a complete set of “genuine” leather luggage.

    And you can trade your timeshare for other exotic locales. Chernobyl, for example.

  8. Johnny Zhivago

    Mleeta may not be that scenic and they definitely need a waterpark – but the outlet shopping is phenomenal.

  9. Jim89048

    [re=621506]actor212[/re]: Oh gawd yes, with Sandra Bullock as driver/tour guide! In a burqa.

  10. Swattie Swat

    I have this vision of them having a version of “it’s a small world”, with colorfully painted figures of many different races and creeds. Then half way through the ride, terrorist figures car bomb the whole thing, and the ridegoers cheer and cheer because the horrible song has stopped, and shit got blown up.

  11. One Yield Regular

    Finally, some decent competition for the Discovery Institute’s Creation Museum.

    However, in terms of sophistication, it sounds like it still has a way to go to catch up to Havana’s “Hall of Cretins” in the Museum of the Revolution.

  12. JMP

    How dare these religious extremists call something a museum when it is nothing more than propaganda; that would never happen in the good old USA!
    [re=621504]freakishlystrong[/re] [re=621510]Jim89048[/re]

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Ha — if I want to visit a place in the middle of the desert full of guns, crazies and where I can’t get a beer, I’ll go to Utah.

  14. RoscoePColtraine

    Will there be shows? Broadway-style with musical numbers and the whole bit? “Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out…” Oh boy!

  15. user-of-owls

    Would the U.S, government would mind if we went to Hezbollah’s resort?

    They almost certainly would would.

  16. Austin

    Hey, how about Cleveland is doing just fine without your rat sass or Lebron’s dumb ass!

  17. Radiotherapy

    If you like this place, you’ll love George Saunders’, CivilWarLand in Bad Decline.

  18. actor212

    [re=621515]Jim89048[/re]: Think of all the cuddly furry critters roaming the Arab Street, greeting guests!

    There’d be Semmy the Antisemetic camel, and Hamas the Llamass…oddly, no pigs…

  19. Extemporanus

    [re=621506]actor212[/re]: [re=621515]Jim89048[/re]: If they managed to bring Keanu Reeves back, too, it would be perfect — dude was born in Beirut!

  20. Extemporanus

    [re=621524]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Romneyland” aka “The Magic Underwear Kingdom”?

  21. BOOBIES!

    Rami has a ready answer when asked if the museum advances terrorist propaganda.

    “I believe it’s our right to have our own propaganda. The important thing is that this is the sincere and true propaganda.”

    Rami could be a Tea Party organizer.

  22. Radiotherapy

    [re=621533]actor212[/re]: Don’t forget to visit Becky’s Burqas and Q’rans, Q’rans, Nothing but Q’rans.

  23. McDuff

    “and it seems like it may be better than visiting Cleveland, at least!”

    Cleveland, no. Toledo, maybe.

  24. WhatTheHeck

    This is doomed to failure. Nowhere did it mention about having to pay $15 for parking before even entering the park.

  25. just pixels

    First Hamas Mouse on Gaza children’s tee vee. “Kasam Willie” was an instant classic.

    Now this “scream park” in Lebanan. Everybody sing: “It’s a small bomb after all” as little animatronic suicide bombers dance and sing in their native costumes.

    Walt Disney would be rolling in his freezer, except it’s the Jews they’re after.

  26. JMP

    [re=621602]McDuff[/re]: Having been to Cleveland, I discovered that Drew Carrey lied to me; it most definitely does not rock.

  27. Neilist

    THAT PICTURE IS ADORABLE!!!!!!

    ::::Neilist melts into a Puddle of Sentimentality:::

    (But who owns that ugly child? Even under a bull child slave market, you couldn’t get enough for that brat to buy another M-16.)

    Neilist
    The Guy With The Pictures Of His Gun Collection
    In His Wallet
    N.R.A. Outreach Director – Liberal Commie Pink SCUM Wonkette Desk

  28. actor212

    [re=621548]Radiotherapy[/re]: Just a hard left by the muzzeh, and past the “Stone The Jew” attraction?

  29. user-of-owls

    [re=621548]Radiotherapy[/re]: Also, do not miss the ferocious competition between insurance giants “Allhate” and “State Harm.” Rates on the very popular ‘Life, Dismemberment & Car” package are at an all-time low.

Comments are closed.