Dear Shit-fer-brains ....A daily puzzle here at Wonkette’s World News Headquarters is trying to figure out what the hell people are going on about, in their emails to your editors, because it’s a rare occurrence when an angry reader who stumbled across some random three-year-old Wonkette post bothers to identify whatever post was so upsetting. The link or even a vague description would help — help us laugh, we mean. But usually, we’re as confused as the furious Internet bumbler. So many invitations to “go back” to whatever past or present Communist country the reader heard about somewhere that one time, so little context. That’s why it’s always a delight to get an Email of the Day that at least mentions the offensive item!

The puzzle contained within this Letter to the Editor is to find which part is a quote from the post itself, or some source materials linked within, or just the commentary of the reader himself:

From: SGCB
Date: Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 0:54 AM
Subject: NRA Just Going To Stick Gun Stuff Into Every Bill From Now On

Wonkette – The DC Gossip:

“The last two years have been a disaster for us,” said Representative Carolyn McCarthy, a New York Democrat and a longtime advocate of increased gun control. “A lot of members are just afraid of the N.R.A.”

*Representative Carolyn McCarthy sounds afraid of the US Constitution!*

Oh good! Now they can keep their biggest secret, zombie Charlton Heston raising money for the NRA by giving out handjobs with his cold, dead hands.

*How can anyone take you seriously when you have to use disrespect for a deceased American patriot? Your homosexual reference is sick – SHAME!



Understandable, perhaps. But the NRA will not stop until federal law mandates that every citizen has a gun in both hands at all times.

*That is also stupid. If you or anyone else does not want a gun, then do not have one. Be sure to patronize “Gun Free Zones” where criminals know where to find helpless victims.*

The picture of Charlton Heston is also stupid; you did not do a good job adding the rifle to it. But it is consistent with the other lies you print.


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  1. Get your damned homo hands off me, you damned dirty libtard!

    Note to tard boy. The photo wasn’t photoshopped. It’s from a little independent movie called Planet of the Apes.

  2. Quick…Hire this guy immediately…He’s fantastic

    “That is also stupid. If you or anyone else does not want a gun, then do not have one. Be sure to patronize “Gun Free Zones” where criminals know where to find helpless victims.”

    Has Layne ever said anything that funny?

  3. If handjobs between Patriots are gay, someone better tell the Sons of Liberty. It’s no small secret why John “Hancock” earned the privilege of siging The Declaration of Independence first.

  4. “If you or anyone else does not want a gun, then do not have one.”

    Says the dude who would go ape-poopy if someone said to him “If you or anyone else does not want an abortion, then do not have one.”

  5. At first I read this as “How can anyone take you seriously when you have to use disrespect for a deceased American parrot?” and found myself nodding in agreement.

  6. Wait, if my wife (a lady person) gives me (a manly person) a hand job, does that make me gay? If I get a second one from her does it turn me back to straight? Is there anyway I can use this logic to get mroe handjobs?

  7. You mentioned handjobs in the earlier post, and *everyone* (including blind Glenn Beck) knows that only HOMOSEXUALS get handjobs. So by saying that the NRA was going to dig up Charlton Heston and make him give people handjobs with his cold, dead hands, you were calling dead C-Hest a fag. Geddit?? And that’s just sick! — SHAME!! The N.R.A. is going to be visiting you soon, to “give you a handjob.”

  8. I solemnly swear…if I must have one, this is my favorite Wonkette feature. (Umhmm, this one would not be possible without the others.)

  9. Silly Wonkette. It’s written in the REDNECK HANDBOOK that handjobs exchanged WHILE HUNTING are NOT GAY (caps exactly as used in the HANDBOOK).

  10. [re=621375]Another DC Lawyer (Again)[/re]: Interesting theory. Wonder if works with blowjobs too. Please let us know how your research goes.

  11. at Wonkett we don’t actually *print anything; we angrily hurl it out in to the ether. If you happen to get in the way, tough zombie hand-job, muthafuckah.

  12. Charleton Heston. There was a man who was not afraid to take off his shirt and get oiled up for the cameras. Ladies like the image a man covered in sweet, glistening sweat I do believe!

  13. [re=621359]V572625694[/re]: Gay or not, one is thing certain — Charlton Heston had a very, very small penis.

    (The really freaky thing? That’s his fucking bathroom!)

    [re=621362]madtowngooner[/re]: If I remember correctly, that whole “fighting/fun” conumdrum is what lead to Private Pyle’s premature release.

  14. Barack is the one who is most likely gay. We know that Barack likes to eat lots of foods that are not good for him. This display of sensation is common in gay men.

    Now, we know that Donald Young was gay, and the choir director at Barack and the Good Reverend’s Trinity United Church. And now Donald is DEAD. The murder is UNSOLVED. What did Donald know? Did Donald have sexytime with Barry? Did this gay indescretion cost Donald his life?

  15. Rarely does a day go by up here in largely gun-free zone Toronto when I am not victimized (hand-sodomized) by a gun-wielding criminal.

  16. [re=621381]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: I prefer a variation on that technique which I’ve dubbed “The Strangler”.

    Instead of sitting on my hand to make it fall asleep — which it is, at best, for only a minute or two — I garotte my wrist until my hand turns completely numb and purplish. With it in that state, I can literally go for hours.

  17. I usually ignore your posts because I don’t want to encourage more out of you, but…

    “We know that Barack likes to eat lots of foods that are not good for him. This display of sensation is common in gay men.”

    Your word salad intrigues me. Perhaps if you could rearrange the sentence into some coherent meaning? And then provide some of your well-researched data to back up your knowledge of what gays enjoy?

  18. [re=621357]fredb[/re]: The best part is, a few months back, the local paper (Commercial Appeal) published a list of concealed carry permit holders. God knows why, but it’s public record, so meh.

    The gun nuts freaked the fuck out, because apparently now criminals (blacks) will bust in the house to take their delicious weaponry. Apparently it doesn’t matter whether you have a gun or not, hearing someone’s full name places a magical compulsion on robbers to do crimes to them.

  19. [re=621416]Norbert[/re]: Oh man, if that sofa (aka “The Strangler”) could talk…

    [It would likely do so in a German falsetto reeking of cum and gun oil.]

    [re=621431]Jim89048[/re]: Hey, don’t knock it ’till ya try it and wind up in the hospital for gangrene and priapism-related emergency medical treatment!

  20. I will re-arrange the sentence, but only for you Roscoe. The following sentence is not factually accurate, as our knowledge is limited to things we see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. TeeVee does not count. But anyway, here we go. Behold:

    “We know that Barack likes to eat lots of gay men. This display of sensation is not common in food, as food does not have sexual impulses, as far as we know, unless you are eating things like live toads, which I saw once on a TV show, with a gay host, in Japan.”

  21. [re=621423]Zadig[/re]: Isn’t indulging in robbery-fantasies the reason people buy guns? That’s like showing up to an orgy and getting mad that the host invited EVERYONE.

  22. The headline read, “NRA Just Going To Stick Gun Stuff Into Every Bill From Now On”

    SGCB was drawn to this article because 1). the “B” in SGCB stands for “Bill” and 2). Bill thought he was going to get stuffed with Charleston Heston’s gun.

  23. [re=621422]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Funny, I thought stereotypically gay men were supposed to be obsessed about their appearance, instead of commonly eating unhealthy. But it is sad and predictable to see that the nutcases are spreading murder rumors about Obama just as they did with the Clintons.

  24. Handjobs are gay?

    That must mean that handjobs are outlawed.

    They can have my handjob when they pry them from my cold, dead hands, fuck them!

    If handjobs are outlawed, only outlaws will have handjobs!

    Handjobs don’t kill people, people kill people!

    Regulating handjobs violates my Second Amendment right to bare arms!

    Regulating handjobs violates my Second Amendment right to bear arms (my penis is a registered weapon)!

  25. [re=621457]JMP[/re]: Let me see if I understand what Bill is trying to prove. Barack is gay and had gay sex with somebody, who he then had to kill in order to keep the affair quiet. He also ate the guy because he is a cannibal. The evidence is in Barack’s unhealthy diet and obesity. In Japan they have gay teevee hosts who have people eat live frogs on their program. This also proves the story of Barack’s homosexuality to be true.

    Makes sense. I’m onboard.

  26. I think the author was upset that you outed Charleton Heston.

    Apparently, this author believes that “handjobs” are always male to male and homosexual and has never been in the Boy Scouts.

  27. [re=621422]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: It’s pretty weird, alright.

    I think it starts off with the always-valid argument by analogy. “Barack Obama does something unwise. Gay men do this unwise thing, too. Therefore, he shares their sexual orientation.”

    From there, it goes on to try the ever popular tuquoque: “Obama’s the real gayfer, so Chuck Heston and NRA handjobs are no big deal.”

    It then adds evidence to seal the deal: “This is empirically true of gastronomes of frogs and other forms of Japanese television host.”

    It is a magnificent piece of nonsense. It should be on a poster at a teaparty rally.

  28. [re=621491]Geogre[/re]: And I do apologize to all of my brethren and sister-en, for taking the bait. I knew it was a bad idea even as I was trying to get him to explain it. Won’t happen again.

  29. [re=621475]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I’m still not sure if Bill is a for real crazy conspiracy theorist, or trying to be funny and failing miserably, ending up just plain confusing instead.

    Also wonder how he’s managed to avoid Hammer Time for so long.

  30. [re=621422]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: According to the official Gay Agenda Manual that was forced into my hands during the recent Gay Recruitment Mission that passed through my town. Gays prefer polska kielbasas, while lesbians only eat tacos.

  31. [re=621507]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: [re=621491]Geogre[/re]: Troll BoB tried the old verbal kaleidoscope trick, lotsa colors and mirrors. That said, even here in the Swish Alps of C’Addle, America’s second most festive city, there is no talk of eating live frogs as being toadly ghey. That took and extra mirror or two.

  32. [re=621494]saggyboobedhag[/re]: isn’t pedophile priest redundant?

    also, why is the word Internet capitalized? and where’s the “s” — isn’t it sposed to be Internets?

  33. this dude is absolutely right. That’s why, as a member of the New Black Panthers, I’m going to open up a gun shop and shooting range right next door to the Mofo and invite all my brothers to keep and bear arms. I’m certain he’ll support our endeavor.

  34. SGCB = Silly Gunloving Cunt Bitch? Mom??? We have missed you. Please, contact us. We need to know where you stashed the P90’s. Oh, and do you have Uncle Merle’s phone number? I know it has a 2 in it.

  35. Everyone knows Dr. Zaius was the kind and gentle “ape priest” In Planet of the Apes. And Charlton was the altar boy.

    It’s in the Belgian sub-titles.

  36. [re=621422]RoscoePColtraine[/re]:[re=621491]Geogre[/re]: Could one perhaps re-purpose “Poopyhead” as a general response ? It worked pretty well for Left Testicle Tard.

  37. I like that he asks how can Wonkette be taken seriously when, really, his whole issue comes from taking Wonkette seriously.


    [/re]: sick – SHAME = Fox News anchors

  38. Face it, Layne, CBGB totally nailed you, but good! I’m surprised he isn’t offering to mail you a jar of Chuck Heston’s patented Red Ass Salve. Gnuck, gnuck, gnuck, hhhheeennnnngghhhh!

  39. wait i’ve never given a man a handjob in my life…am i gay?…having a sexual crisis moment!!!!!
    who will lend me their erect penis so i can be gay !!!!

  40. Just realized that Cornel Taylor(chuck heston) gave that Atomic Bomb a hand job as he was dying and the whole thing blew in his face…*beneath the planet of the apes reference for the kids in the room*

  41. [re=621374]Snarkalicious[/re]: a Zombie Dutch Rudder is totally not gay…how bout a Double Dutch Rudder with a zombie and a werewolf???

  42. Well, I, for one, take this concerned gentlething’s advice with grave earnest. *I* shall NOT be frequenting any of these “Gun-Free Zones” out of concern for my well-being, lest I be accosted by coloreds^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hcriminals assured of my status as an easy mark.

    …uh, could someone pick my daughter up from kindergarten for me? And send my regards to the Episcopalian Ladies’ Bake Sale, but I am not sure if the 22-caliber sport pistols they are packing really qualify as “guns” — they know I adore the peach melba, but I am going to have to choose life and limb over their well-meaning but ultimately insecure pastry table.

    That’s just life in this here America. When guns are outlawed by homosexuals, only homosexual outlaws have guns.

  43. Heston was a 2nd Amendment purist. To take on the USGovt, He didn’t think a simple handjob was enough. I’m pretty sure he had a couple o’ them shoulderjobs in his garage.

  44. [re=621406]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: “We know that Barack likes to eat lots of foods that are not good for him”…this distinguishes him from the rest of the US population in what way, exactly? Or is this a veiled reference to oreos?

  45. [re=621406]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Honey, if eating unhealthy food makes a man gay there ain’t a thousand straight men south of Mason-Dixon, and those diet-savvy boys are all dating each other.

  46. The picture of Charlton Heston is also stupid; you did not do a good job adding the rifle to it. But it is consistent with the other lies you print.


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