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Also, there is rad, dramatic musicMore proof that Wonkette readers are the best and most attractive readers on the whole Internets! A casual mention that we aren’t up on any of the hilarious goings-on in today’s Georgia primary immediately gets us a tip from hero commenter TJBeck that we should take a good, hard look at one “Jody Hice.” Just going to his website rewards the reader with the awesomely composited hunk of Flash animation above, with the candidate and the swooping eagle and the real corporeal flag and the ghostly spirit flag behind it, all emerging from sort of dimensional portal, all set to dramatic orchestral music. But are there YouTube videos, you’re probably asking? With CGI’d words swooping around nauseatingly? Oh, yes, there are YouTube videos.

You know who cares a lot about the Constitution? Jody Hice! Watch a suit-wearing Jody wander aimlessly, Tim James-style, around somebody’s mansion (his own?), taking his oath of office, before even being elected.

Ha ha, this Southern conservative is quoting Lincoln approvingly! Lincoln said that the “people” should be able to overrule the courts, especially when the courts said that slavery should be legal, and that Lincoln couldn’t hold people in jail indefinitely without charges, for Southern-style treason.

“Well,” you’re probably thinking, “that’s all well and good, but Jody is spending all his time in that ad inside, wearing a suit, talking about law stuff, not shooting anybody. Is he some kind of homo?” Heck no!

God gave you the right to have guns. And guns are necessary, because sometimes you have “defend yourself from government,” with guns. (Lincoln would have thrown you in jail for that, Jody, but whatever.) Jody also has a concealed weapon permit, but he may not really understand what that entails. Jody, just painting your rifle barrel in camouflage doesn’t “conceal” it per se!

But just in case you still think Jody might be a little too gay to be your Congressman, he busts out his secret weapon: Oh yeah, you’d better believe he’s married! To a lady!

This video is called “A lifetime of servant leadership,” which is fundie code for “ladies should not have political or economic autonomy” (we menfolk serve them by making the decisions their feeble brains cannot, you see). But still, there is no active wife-dominating in this video. Thrill to the raw sexual electricity between these two! (Did they emerge from an impromptu sex session in a copse of trees at 1:35? Probably!) Swoon as you envision Jody running a half-marathon! Scratch your head as Jody blathers on about “death … illness … all that type of thing”!

So after all that, what do you need to “seal the deal,” as they say? A poster pointing out that Obama is an actual literal Communist? Sure, why not.

HERE YOU GO THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

All Georgians should vote for Jody, immediately and repeatedly. [JodyHice.com/11 Alive]

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  • Troubledog

    The resemblance to Eric Massa is striking. They could be brothers.

  • sezme

    Not to mention that actual sparks fly from his pants! Suck on that, Chris Matthews!

  • hockeymom

    Holy cow, those are some highly produced spots. Tracking, sweeping camera shots, multiple takes for close-ups, animation, graphics, the list goes on and on.
    The ONLY thing lacking is comic sans font.

  • fictional character

    “The billboards have stirred both the GOP, the Democrats, and another political party, the Communist party.

    Charlie Abrams is a Communist. He is involved with the Revolution Bookstore in Little Five Points.

    The Atlanta environmental engineer is calling for the billboards to be removed. He says it’s a slanderous attack on a symbol Americans know nothing about.”

    now now. the last thing we need here is to actually try to figure out what communism is…

  • FlownOver

    OK, I get nothing but a two-tone blue background.

    Did Wonketeers break the intternetz, or is Señor Hice (if that’s his real name) decide to exclude that commie Mac segment of the electorate?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Say, didn’t Lincoln piss on the constitution during the War of Southern Bitchiness?

    Why yes, yes he did.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    yeah i like the special sparkle powers of his penis in that photo.

  • JMP

    Is that an instrumental version of “Where the Streets Have No Name” in the pro-murder ad? Somehow I foresee Jody joining the long list of Republicans sued for copyright violations.

  • bureaucrap

    “Dr.” Hice is a minister. One of THOSE ministers apparently. From the same Theological seminary I just graduated from five minutes ago, after my credit card was accepted. This Dr.’s prescription for America is to call everyone a communist until they go away. Sounds like a plan.

  • Oldskool

    God these fucking people. Suddenly the country is going down the shitter AFTER eight years of Bush, not during, no siree. Someoone please photoshop that shotgun being forced up his ass.

  • Autochthon

    [re=621128]hockeymom[/re]: Well, that, plus any connection to reality…

  • Ye Olde Fap-Smith

    Oh no, saintly but misguided mother Fap-Smith lives in this district. I am afraid to phone her and ask if she voted for this dimwit. If she answers “yes” I think it’s time to move her on into the nicest convalescent home that my hobo beans can get.

  • BlueStateLiberal

    The eagle should be weeping, can’t vote for him.

  • JMP

    In the final video, his wife says he’s defending the Constitution, then he immediately says he defended putting the ten commandments in a courthouse “against the ACLU”. Um, that would be attacking the Constitution. Which is it, Jody, do you defend the Constitution or hate the first amendment?

  • Josh, that image is outstanding. I thought you had created it. It looks exactly like something you would create, with the computers. But no, it is so much better simply because IT IS REAL.

  • doxastic

    I get the feeling that the weenie sparkles are designed to keep dudes from peeping the package. That’s only for his submiss…er…wife.

  • freakishlystrong

    Holy shit Jody. Could you have crammed one more gay-ass piece of fucking “patriot” crap in that picture? Tri-corn Jody..you’re missing the tri-corn.

  • Dolmance

    If you keep agreein’ with me like that, honey, I’m jess gonna have to take you in the bedroom an’ screw you.

  • weejee

    Sweet baby Jeebus! He’s Pastor Dr. Jody Hice, who then obviously and for sure knows for certains that JC & boyz had concealed weapons permits and were packing when they were passing out them socialist loaves and fishes. Good find TJBeck, now we haz Georgia on our mind.

  • germansteel

    At least this douchebag admits that he is for treason, like his retarded forbearers no doubt. He looks like the type to be the first in his family to have a full set of teeth past age 20.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    At first thought that he was a slimmed down Mike Huckabee …

  • JackDempsey

    I noticed that his entire gun is covered in camouflage—the butt, the muzzle, everything.
    Doesn’t that make it hard to find when you set it down?
    Or is the point, “…set it down? …my cold, dead hands, etc.?”

  • El Pinche

    I enjoyed it until I saw the Flash animation of Tom Tancredo’s psychotic assface. I dig the music, its very Michael Bay.

  • Another DC Lawyer (Again)

    A deep burning sense of….wha? Not how I expected that to end.

  • doxastic

    [re=621129]fictional character[/re]: I hear the “Great Leap Forward” has a different meaning in the Servant Leadership community.

  • dijetlo

    He appears to be some type of defrocked member of the clergy/constitutional scholar who has served the nation for 25 years without ever actually doing anything that didn’t lead to his own personal enrichment.
    For once, I’d like to see a politician who’s “served” their community who didn’t somehow become rich in the process. In my experience, people who made a life of service to others are not generally living in mansions on significant amounts of acreage, with the possible exception of adult film stars and politicians.

  • FlownOver

    OK, now it works…

    OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!! I think the graphics (to say nothing of the Tea Bigot Spew) made my computer’s nads retreat back up into its lower torso!

  • ZombieRichardFeynman

    He had my vote when he bagged a librul commie right there at the end of his 2nd amendment clip.

  • actor212

    Needs more bling. Needs to suck more.

    Bandwidth, I mean.

  • pirate king of the Jews

    “The difference is, I will mean it”
    what a tool

  • Mr Blifil

    needs moar lens flare.

  • ph7

    Why do southern elites have female names?

  • obfuscator

    southern “radio minister”…

    reading that triggered my gag reflex.

  • sezme

    “Human rights do not derive, as many erroneously believe, from government. Rather, our rights are conferred upon us by God!”

    Wow, just wow. Oh hey, that applies to gay marriage too, right? Not just the right to carry murderous weapons with you at all times? Wait, did you just imply that gun ownership is a human right now, not just an amendment? Brilliant!

    All hail President-for-life, Supreme Commander, and Messenger of God, Jody Hice!

  • ph7

    This banner of supporters has both Joe “You Lie” Wilson, and a police rendering of an aged Sarah Palin, ten years after she went missing.

  • gradgrind

    Dr. Stephen T. Colbert called. He wants his stolen props back — all 50 or 60 of them. Jody can keep those two sorry excuses of a haircut and a wife.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, he’s got a shiny red antique Ford pickup truck next to his stable where he’s flying the American flag while he’s sitting with his wife talking about the Ten Commandments — damn, whoever he’s making fun of cannot be such patriot-props-using tool. Wait, this is real?

  • Formerly Preferred

    [re=621162]Mr Blifil[/re]: I’m surprised that JJ Abrams would do political ads.

  • Pompous Magnus

    POOP JOKE TIME!

    He says at :26 in “Family” that he has, “a sense of deep, burning dootie.” hahahahahaha… His poops burn his little hemorrhoided bumhole! hahahahahahaha…. deep, burning dootie!!!

  • Formerly Preferred

    [re=621169]sezme[/re]: I thought this part was epic fail, though, because he was so clearly setting up a “political power grows out of the barrel of a gun” line. Why won’t Jody Hice admit he is a Maoist?

  • Geogre

    Yeah, I think not.

    Besides, Georgia has closed primaries, so one registers Democrat or Republican at the primary. The good thing (?) is that the GOP governor’s race is a bitch fight, so there may not be many activists who will puckishly (it’s so funny, the little minxes) register as Democrats to vote for the least appealing candidates, a la South Carolina.

    (Off to vote.)

  • Geogre

    [re=621169]sezme[/re]: “Rights derive from God”

    That’s the only bit of Locke they know. They repeat it like a doll with its string pulled, too. The very next section says that we give up these rights in a social contract in order to gain mutual advantages. The section after that is called Anglo-European constitutional history. It bores them.

    They’ve never heard that life of man expressing his “natural rights” is, according to Hobbes, “in perpetual want, and the life of man solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.”

  • gurukalehuru

    She’s cold as Hice.

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=621170]ph7[/re]: I got that weird, sublime hit on that lady too.

    Palin/Hice ’12

  • Way Cool Larry

    Jody Hice is THE SECOND COMING!!!!

    (Ewww, I never noticed the sexual connotation to that before…)

  • Jim89048

    Needz moar bathtubs, that last one.

  • Aerox

    While watching Jody Hice’s admittedly well produced video detailing his thoughts on the Second Amendment, I noticed that his American flag on the background of the page was not only mostly in the dark, but also covered up by his video. I can only see three stars.

    Why is Jody Hice ashamed to proudly display the American flag? Why is he hiding it? Doesn’t he know it’s illegal or something to fly the flag in the dark? He is literally shitting in the mouths of all the dead soldiers who fought to keep America free.

    Why does Jody Hice hate America so much?

  • TJBeck

    Holy shit I’m famous. Great time to go for a 5 mile run, right?

  • TJBeck

    By the way, did anyone notice that in those slick flying word graphics, the word GOVERNMENT is invariably abbreviated as GOVT?

    Are they quoting his twitter feed or something?

  • Malketeer

    And guns are necessary, because sometimes you have “defend yourself from government,” with guns.

    Sigh. The whole “scrappy rebels taking on the United States government with their guns” meme is rather tiresome, no? This ain’t 1860. You want a better idea of what you’re up against, go ask the Somalis how this concept worked out for them in 1993. Although the headlines back then were all about the 18 Americans that got killed, people seem to forget: the Somalis got mauled. Historians have called that fight the most one-sided battle in the history of warfare.

    But hey, don’t let us spoil your fun. Go git yer guns and charge up the Rascal and pack an extra inhaler and some Doritos and have at it. Just let someone know where you keep your dental records.

  • BadKitty

    Methinks someone has been watching a wee bit too much of The Colbert Report and taking it a mite too seriously.

  • An Outhouse

    Wikipedia:”Hice was one of 33 pastors … who participated in “Pulpit Freedom Sunday,”[3] an effort that challenged an IRS code threatening churches and pastors with loss of tax-exempt status …
    Dr. Hice was instrumental in raising sufficient funds to cover Barrow County, Georgia’s attorney’s fees for the Ten Commandments lawsuit, enabling the county to only be required to pay the $150,000 court ordered fee to the ACLU.[1]”

    The county only had to dish out $150k of taxpayer money for some moronic stunt that was probably for publicity purposes.

    This is wrong on so many levels. Lets hope he wins.

  • whiterabid

    [re=621220]Geogre[/re]: I thought Poor, Nasty, Brutish & Short was a law firm?

    I think social contract sounds too much like socialism for Jody and the rest. They are the same people that confuse anti-social with anti-socialist.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    BTW, that black and white tile that looks so nice in his foyer is $.97/sq ft at Home Depot, in case anyone wants to dress up their laundry room on the cheap; like a I did for my in laws a couple summers ago.

  • GOPCrusher

    So I have to believe that Mr. Jody Hice was damn near apoleptic during the years of the Bushyt Misadministration, with them using The Constitution as their personal toilet paper. Right?

  • Way Cool Larry

    how come such an awesome guy has such a grotesque wife???

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=621281]Malketeer[/re]: And they seem to have forgotten, while they may be packing granddad’s old trusty squirrel rifle, the other side has Predator drones with Hellfire missiles. Let me know how that whole “defending yourself from government” thing works out for you from the smoldering bomb crater that used to be your home.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    …”The Constitution is NOT an evolving, living, organic document…”

    Whaa? I can haz amendments?

  • Dave J.

    What is his license plate, “HA8OEX”? What does that mean in l337 speak?

  • Meatmaker

    “Takes his blows,” wrestles on the floor with boys, hikes “rim to rim to rim.” This man is a die-hard sex eagle. I need a cold shower just watching that last video.

  • user-of-owls

    Hice, Hice Baby.

    What?

  • whiterabid

    This is all very interesting, but I must get back to Jody’s radio program. Today he is discussing how Obama and Hillary Clinton are attacking religion by referring to freedom of worship instead of freedom of religion. People don’t understand how this may bring about the separation of church and state, which was something the founders did not plan.

  • Katydid

    [re=621287]An Outhouse[/re]: The Wikipedia article says: “In September, 2008, Hice was one of 33 pastors across America who participated in “Pulpit Freedom Sunday,”[3] an effort that challenged an IRS code threatening churches and pastors with loss of tax-exempt status and criminal behavior if they address certain moral or political issues from the pulpit.”

    No criminal sanctions were ever threatened, only loss of tax-exempt status. These people are fucking nuts.

  • Formerly Preferred

    [re=621338]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Just the first two.

  • One Yield Regular

    Are you sure that top photo with the eagle and flag and wormhole isn’t simply the Director’s Cut ending of “Contact”?

  • Brendan

    OMG! Congress?? This man belongs in the white house. Just look at how Shakespeare-y he is, what with the way he spells “consitution” at 1:52!

    HICE/PALIN 2012!
    Unrefudiate our Consitution!

  • Geogre

    [re=621299]whiterabid[/re]: I keep saving an insult.

    I keep waiting for the proper occasion to use it. Someday, I’ll meet someone I can describe as “solitary, nasty, British, and short.” So far, I’ve only been able to get three of four qualities to align.

    No, they love Locke the way they love the Bible: verses they’ve heard, but there is no time to actually read it. Besides, it’s not for reading. It’s for provin’ stuff from.

  • TimJames2012

    Someone should probably tell Jody that the jet pictured under national defense isnt a US fighter…it’s European. Sounds to me like he wants to outsource our defense to the French!

  • TJBeck

    [re=621474]Brendan[/re]: Yes, we ned to refudiate this aspa.

    DEFRIEND THE CONSITUTION!

    http://img690.imageshack.us/img690/3924/picture1ome.png

  • blackdontcrack

    well uhh id probably hit that but i have been known to like older white dudes! no homo!

  • Formerly Preferred

    [re=621514]TimJames2012[/re]: That’s almost as good as McCain putting a MiG-29 on his campaign materials.

  • salt_bagel

    [re=621343]Dave J.[/re]: I believe it said “H8BLAX”.

  • salt_bagel

    And YOUR PICKUP TRUCK HAS NO DIRT OR SCRATCHES. The fuck kind of elite museum do you keep that in, huh, Mister Elite Pastor Man? You ever haul any shit in your pussy truck? Also? You probably missed whatever you were shooting at.

  • biggeek

    Wow, do you think they could have stuffed any more pointless lens flares in those promos?

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