TELL THIS FUCKING BIRD WE AREN'T NUMBER ONE. TELL IT TO THIS FUCKING BIRD.This morning you took a gasoline shower, ate a coal donut, and went off to work in your Hummer thinking your country was safely ranked #1 in the world. YOU THOUGHT WRONG. It turns out China is now tops when it comes to consuming the world’s energy, which is our most important job as Americans. How will we tell our children that the United States now burns less energy than Red China?

The figures reflect, in part, how the global recession hit the U.S. more severely than China and hurt American industrial activity and energy use. Still, China’s total energy consumption has clocked annual double-digit growth rates for many years, driven by the country’s big industrial base. Highlighting how quickly its energy demand has increased, China’s total energy consumption was just half the size of the U.S. 10 years ago.

Shut up! We are just fine. Obama is destroying our economy, but our economy is a patriot and is stronger than him. We can still burn fossil fuels with the best of ’em! LOOK, JUST LIT THIS LAPTOP ON FIRE WITH SOME LIGHTER FLUID! SEE? THAT WAS QUICK! QUICKER THAN CHINA! USA! USA! USA!

“The fact that China overtook the U.S. as the world’s largest energy consumer symbolizes the start of a new age in the history of energy,” IEA chief economist Fatih Birol said in an interview.


China’s voracious energy demand helps explain why the country—which gets most of its electricity from coal, the dirtiest of fossil-fuel resources—passed the U.S. in 2007 as the world’s largest emitter of carbon dioxide emissions and other greenhouse gases.

AHHHHHHHHHHH! Shut up, liberal world media! Not true! Not true!

The U.S. is still by far the bigger energy consumer per capita, with the average American burning five times as much energy annually as the average Chinese citizen

See! We have much more productivity than those lazy Chinese! We can do this! JUST UP YOUR BURNING OF ENERGY TO SIX TIMES THE AVERAGE CHINAMAN, YOU GUYS.


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  1. [re=620740]chascates[/re]: too true, you ain’t nothin’ if you haven’t violated every principle you stand for just to invade a country for fossil fuels! China, might I suggest Russia, which is super loaded with the fossil fuels you crave, and no one has EVER had issues while trying to invade Russia, ever.

  2. [re=620747]weejee[/re]: Another fuel-ish crack like that, and we’ll have to start calling you “KoalRebel”.

    [re=620779]Extemporanus[/re]: Shut the fuck up, fucking redundantard.

  3. [re=620768]Swattie Swat[/re]: The Quin Empire fought a protracted border war with Russia between approximately 1640 and 1680. Most historians agree that, on balance, the Russians lost. So maybe China will be tempted to try again.

  4. China is a bunch of amateurs. Do they have a sandwich that uses fried chicken in place of the bread? Until then I’m not worried.

  5. I was trying to spot a WWI reference (didn’t Mel do a WWI movie?), but was totally distracted by the goaty wobble of one of the sopranos in pt. II.

  6. [re=620791]Extemporanus[/re]: I wonder if for us to re-claim our rightful NUMBER ONE, if it would be in order for us to pay another entrofee? Or are we just dissed?

  7. [re=620762]Tommmcatt[/re]:

    Trust is for commies. I’d like to have your research peer-reviewed. Please ship them in discrete boxes wrapped in plain brown paper…

  8. President Palin will fix this. Just open all you windows, put the AC on full blast and crank the Nuge to 11. That way we solve several problems at once. We reclaim the energy title from the ChiComs, we shove a pacifier in Al Gore’s baby-mouth cuz we are cooling the global, and the painfully loud blasting of “Stranglehold” can piss off all the latte liberals and serve as a warning to them that we are bout to choke em out. We must continually hydragate the life roots of the libertree with the blood of unbelievers of Jesus. I believe that’s a Shakespeare quote. Celebrate it!!

  9. I almost wept when Mel took the American flag and rammed it up British Petroleum’s ass.

    Or “arse.”


    Although those Pommies probably enjoyed it.

  10. Oh, and the Unintentional Irony of playing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” (a/k/a “John Brown’s Body,” etc.) in connection with patriotism/The War On Terror continues.

  11. This is deeply disturbing. Once, America led the world in burning witches, but eventually lost that title. Later, our proud nation led the world in burning Negros, but again we let our hallowed first-place ranking slip away. Frighteningly, we saw the same loss of USA leadership in burning draft notices, then burning bras, then burning disco records at baseball fields. Now we’ve relinquished our Number One energy burning status. What’s the next loss for our fast-fading empire of burning? Burned out teachers? Burnt toast? Burning Man?

    The small consolation afforded by our continued dominance in the book burning category is increasingly dwarfed by mounting setbacks in other areas. High time to replace E Pluribus Unum with Burn, Baby, Burn.

  12. We don’t have a Chinaman’s chance of outconsuming those Red bastards. There’s BILLIONS of ’em.

    Our only chance is to embrace Alvin Greene’s energy plan. Energy surrounds us, so why must we strive to produce it?

  13. First, DO NOT trust any stats in China!! The local officials just make up what they think will please their leaders, then go out for karaoke and whores.

    Second, almost all bad development ideas in China (like replacing bicycles with cars) are excused with “that’s what they do in America!!” Of course, knowledge of America comes from movies like “Ghost” or “Sleepless in Seattle.”

  14. [re=620897]Jack Stuef[/re]:

    (*note that these syllables should be intoned just as Florida Evans, proud matriarch of “Good Times” fame, would intone them. )

  15. [re=620875]Neilist[/re]: No shit, quite a disconnect that. Johnny was an insurrectionist, captured by then Col. Bobby Lee, and hung for raiding the Harper’s Ferry US Army Armory. Whether Brown, was morally correct is another issue. He was hung for being a terrorist. Supposedly, the tune though predates the “a-mouldering in the grave” lyrics as a church camp meeting song, but I think the lyrics “My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school” really came first.

  16. [re=620740]chascates[/re]: No, but they are quietly buying up energy resources around the world with our fake money US of America treasury bonds.

  17. [re=620903]zhubajie[/re]:
    Bah, now your postulating an “official lie” gap that is bellied by every report that comes out of the Council of Economic Advisers. Mid level Chicom officials are every bit as reliable as their American counterparts, and a hell of a lot more fun to party with besides.
    Hand me another Shanghai girl and que up Desparado, it’s time for the “trade deficit” numbers to come out.

  18. [re=620900]user-of-owls[/re]: Burning disco records on baseball fields? Nothing says Chicago like “riot on the diamond.” You betcha!

  19. Really liked your information. I’m so glad you enjoyed it. It’s compliments like yours which make writing here such a pleasure!

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