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What is that in the sunglasses?! Death?! Damn, no, just a naked lady.Some doctor man (don’t get near Glenn Beck!) wrote about Dick Cheney’s Polly Pocket robot heart in today’s The New York Times, and it turns out Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse, though he is stubbornly still alive. Dick Cheney’s blood now just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn’t need your lowly “pumping!” Cheney will probably be “urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors” as to why he has no pulse, as it probably won’t be the first reason that comes to mind.

The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation.

No, no, Dick Cheney does not need such “human” things as a pulse to continue “living.”

Doctors must use a Doppler machine to measure and monitor the blood pressure of such patients because it cannot be measured through standard cuffs.

Oh good, they will be able to see if he has any thunderstorms moving in. (No, as there is a constant storm of evil in there.) And if there are any suns or planets or such in there, they will be able to tell how many lightyears away from Earth they are.

But here is the good news:

Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.

The odds are still in our favor. [NYT]

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98 COMMENTS

  1. I don’t understand. Without a pulse, how will he know that the flight of stairs he takes each day is giving him aerobic benefits?

  2. And next they’ll tell us he’s sprouting tentacles and an enormous head. I know the ending to this story and it’s not pretty!

  3. Clearly they are just keeping him alive until the next dark mass, when a new vessel will be chosen to accept Cheney’s “soul.”

  4. The odds are still in our favor
    Jack, do you really believe that, or is that the optimism of youth speaking?

    Oak stakes, oak stakes, mutter, mutter… Layne, where the hell did you stash the oak states?

  5. Would it be bad form to have a mortality contest? If not, I would like to reserve September 28th, which is a lucky day for me.

  6. 1. OT: I just discovered the Robert Morse of “Mad Men” is aka Bobby Morse, the actor-singer-dancer who starred as J. Pierpont Finch in “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” on Broadway and in the film version, a great piece of musical theatre. How awesome is that? No really, how awesome is it? I can’t tell.

    2. Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse? How can they tell? I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    3. NY Times headline: “A New Pumping Device Brings Hope for Cheney”

    4. And despair to the rest of us. Also.

  7. You know, this story would be better if it ended with “While he has no pulse, Cheney will feel constant pain, as if he was being bombed and burned for no good reason.”

  8. Seven of Nine hasn’t left the hospital yet? I somehow missed that she was even sick, not just hospitalized; that’s sad, she is very hot, uh I mean a good actress and indirectly responsible for Obama being President.

    [re=620710]weejee[/re]: Still not in our favor unless one of us is the Chosen One. Any perky teenage girls here instead of usual gang of grouchy old-timers?

  9. [re=620708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: My understanding that is that the minions of Satan have already chosen Rep. Aaron Schock to be the next receptacle of damnation. The ceremonial burning of a teal belt is simply the first sacrifice in the panoply of those stygian rites.

  10. [re=620710]weejee[/re]: I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But he has to die at some point. Right? Oh.

  11. [re=620723]Bucky Katt[/re]: Last week I instructed my mother that if I die and she allows them to transplant my heart into Cheney I will haunt her. And, oh, goddammit, now I have to go tell her not to give my eyes to fucking Glenn Beck. I think I’m just going to pull my donor card.

  12. [re=620726]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Robert Morse was on a track to be as big as Bill Murray or Jim Carrey, but his meteoric rise ended up in an ignominious failed career replete with Tony Awards and a meteorically hot TV show. I hope you’re paying attention Jim Newell. It could be decades before you’re as hot as you were a few months ago.

  13. [re=620703]m_supercomputer[/re]: Undead or reanimated tissue? If he’s a zombie, we can shoot him in the head. And then use the fire.

  14. [re=620763]Mr Blifil[/re]: Them Murrays and Carreys sure can pick their vehicles, eh? And Eddie Murphy, too. My, my, my. Mostly Yugos, but whatever.

  15. “If you can’t feel it, it’s working.” By the sheerest coincidence, this is also what Dick Cheney said to the girls he dated.

  16. [re=620708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Maybe that’s not necessary as Liz Cheney has given enough indication that she was born Rosemary Baby style and thus makes Dick unnecessary.

    [re=620705]Panquake[/re]: The Washington Post is already working on their special commemorative issue, complete with tributes by both Bush’s, Charles Krauthammer, and the ghost of Genghis Kahn.

  17. Poor Cheney. Only thing keeping him going was thinking of all the dying Pelicans. What with how Halliburtons shoddy contracting contributed to the disaster it really raised his spirits. Just not the same now.

  18. Weren’t they talking about him running for the presidency a scant few months back? I wonder what the slogans would be now? Dick Cheney In your heart you know he’s right, in his heart there isn’t much going on. Dick Cheney, Eternally your president.
    Maybe they’ll do a “Nixon under glass” set up like they had on Futurama with him. Leave him in the White house and when he pisses Barry off, he can just turn him toward the wall, or put him in a little cabinet.

  19. Why are people interfering with God’s will to make Dick Cheney die? This is at least the twelfth time God has tried. Does Yahweh need to send a burning bush to you people?

  20. So this is to tide him over till he gets a heart transplant. It does seem appropriate someone has to die so Dick and his ideas can continue.

  21. [re=620708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: When I heard that Levi and Bris were “10 toes up, 10 toes down” once again, my first thought was that they would be the chosen couple.

  22. The Taliban better get crackin’ on Cheney’s Lifetime Recruitment Award. Those things are like Nobels – you can’t win one posthumously.

  23. For some reason, I am not surprised. But, Warfarin in his breakfast ration of raw unbaptized baby flesh is good news. Warfarin killed Stalin, mebbe.

  24. Can’t wait for people to pretend they miss the fucker when/if he ever kicks. Biden will probably have to poke himself in the eye with a pen to produce tears. And all that lying at the funeral service about ‘what a good man Cheney was’ will probably tilt the earth’s axis, cause a tsunami and earthquake & basically wipe out all of mankind. Whoo hoo…hopefully there will be some tasty hors d’oeuvres at the wake.

  25. I’m surprised he didn’t have a transplant when he was VP, with G-d knows how many teen-age hearts available in the torture Gulag.

  26. The old undead cunt should look for a bit part in a “Twilight” movie. After seeing that, your teen will probably never leave the house again.

  27. I am very disappointed by everyone’s gloating over Cheney’s possible immanent death via heart failure; you should be ashamed of yourselves. Don’t you know that heart failure is fairly quick and painless? Unless Cheney dies in a very painful drawn-out process, one that has him begging to die long before his life actually ends, there is no justice in this world.

  28. [re=620915]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You made me lol, realizing what a tough assignment it would be to feign grief for the wretched cocksucker. It should be cause for many quotable quotes,though, enough to keep us laughing for years. I mean as we try to heal our collective grief, that is. Laughter is the best medicine. That’s the only reason I’d laugh, of course. Right?

  29. This is so sad. I mean, just think of his nice fam….

    Ok, scratch that. Still, he is a human being. It’s not like he’s some monster who started a completely stupid, useless war that killed and maimed thousands of….

    Hmm. No, wait! He did dedicate his whole life to civil service. It’s not he was the kind of guy who used his influence to line his pockets, resulting in a corrupt energy policy that led to entire sections of the country being destroyed…or…uh…flooded…or….

    Well, look. Everyone has friends. It’s not like he’s some kind of completely hideous bastard who’d shoot one his own friends in the face for no good….

    *pause*

    Shit. This empathy thing is harder than I thought.

  30. [re=620998]RationalMan[/re]: Got those at the Wal-Martsez in Beijing.
    [re=620946]notreallyhelping[/re]: This man is truly a test of ones empathy reserves. I fail.

  31. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000634:

    “Warfarin is used to prevent blood clots from forming or growing larger in your blood and blood vessels. It is prescribed for people with certain types of irregular heartbeat, people with prosthetic (replacement or mechanical) heart valves, and people who have suffered a heart attack. Warfarin is also used to treat or prevent venous thrombosis (swelling and blood clot in a vein) and pulmonary embolism (a blood clot in the lung). Warfarin is in a class of medications called anticoagulants (‘blood thinners’). It works by decreasing the clotting ability of the blood.”

    Contraindicated where patient realizes that ends do not justify means.

  32. You’re acting as though you believe the Dickster only recently became a zombie. Stop and think…wouldn’t this coincide perfectly with his role as VP to America’s first brainless President? Come on, people; it just makes too much sense! I’m guessing he rose from the crypt in 1999 or so and feasted on what was left of the coke-addled boy king’s grey matter.

  33. [re=620726]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Ah, yes, “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying,” the story of a man who keeps getting promoted over and over after ridiculously short periods of time without accomplishing a single thing…not to be confused with “How to Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying” based on the life of Sarah Palin.

  34. There’s only one way to kill him, as demonstrated by Peter Weller in Robocop II: Pull his brain out of the drug-fueled robot chassis and smash it on the ground.

  35. This is a very sunny post. But I think that evil little imp which has been animating Dick for so many years has already scurried off that carcass and implanted itself into the daughter. It’s going to be around for a long time.

  36. H[re=621084]Dolmance[/re]: You think maybe Liz inherited the “Crappy Heart That Wants to Explode” gene from Dick along with his other miserable traits? One can only hope…..

  37. Well, it is about time the old fart had no pulse, now if there would be a large sun flare that would stop electrical impulses then all would be right in the universe.

  38. There is no justice in this world- if there was, the first one would have packed him off when he was 35.
    He’s happy now, though… the faint whir of that pump sounds just like black helos, far off in the distance, coming to take him away one more time.

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