Oh, Dick Cheney Has No Pulse, By the Way

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What is that in the sunglasses?! Death?! Damn, no, just a naked lady.Some doctor man (don’t get near Glenn Beck!) wrote about Dick Cheney’s Polly Pocket robot heart in today’s The New York Times, and it turns out Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse, though he is stubbornly still alive. Dick Cheney’s blood now just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn’t need your lowly “pumping!” Cheney will probably be “urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors” as to why he has no pulse, as it probably won’t be the first reason that comes to mind.

The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation.

No, no, Dick Cheney does not need such “human” things as a pulse to continue “living.”

Doctors must use a Doppler machine to measure and monitor the blood pressure of such patients because it cannot be measured through standard cuffs.

Oh good, they will be able to see if he has any thunderstorms moving in. (No, as there is a constant storm of evil in there.) And if there are any suns or planets or such in there, they will be able to tell how many lightyears away from Earth they are.

But here is the good news:

Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.

The odds are still in our favor. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • JadedDIssonance

    In other words, the headlines are still writing themselves…

  • ttommyunger

    Certainly a step in the right direction!

  • rafflesinc

    “The odds are still in our favor.”

    Does Wonkette have a time-machine? Cheney finished his eight years ya know.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    I don’t understand. Without a pulse, how will he know that the flight of stairs he takes each day is giving him aerobic benefits?

  • m_supercomputer

    Now that he’s officially among the undead, it’s time we break out the stakes and holy water. And then fire.

  • Panquake

    Every editor in America is pre-emptively readying their Cheney obituary/whitewash at this moment.

  • BlueStateLiberal

    And next they’ll tell us he’s sprouting tentacles and an enormous head. I know the ending to this story and it’s not pretty!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Clearly they are just keeping him alive until the next dark mass, when a new vessel will be chosen to accept Cheney’s “soul.”

  • weejee

    The odds are still in our favor
    Jack, do you really believe that, or is that the optimism of youth speaking?

    Oak stakes, oak stakes, mutter, mutter… Layne, where the hell did you stash the oak states?

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Would it be bad form to have a mortality contest? If not, I would like to reserve September 28th, which is a lucky day for me.

  • Sacanagem

    The blood of freshly slaughtered infants is hard to produce a pulse.

  • Ablington

    Think of all the folks who also have no pulses due to Dick Cheney.

  • OhBoy

    Does “The Penguin” really have a heart?

  • Bucky Katt

    Can I modify the donor consent on my driver’s license to say that, if I die, they can’t give my heart to Dick Cheney?

  • WriteyWriterton

    1. OT: I just discovered the Robert Morse of “Mad Men” is aka Bobby Morse, the actor-singer-dancer who starred as J. Pierpont Finch in “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” on Broadway and in the film version, a great piece of musical theatre. How awesome is that? No really, how awesome is it? I can’t tell.

    2. Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse? How can they tell? I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

    3. NY Times headline: “A New Pumping Device Brings Hope for Cheney”

    4. And despair to the rest of us. Also.

  • chascates

    And his core body temperature is whatever the ambient room temperature is but that doesn’t mean anything either.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    You know, this story would be better if it ended with “While he has no pulse, Cheney will feel constant pain, as if he was being bombed and burned for no good reason.”

  • chaste everywhere

    So he stopped being repulsive?

  • Gratuitous World

    how many deferments is this motherfucker going to get.

  • JMP

    Seven of Nine hasn’t left the hospital yet? I somehow missed that she was even sick, not just hospitalized; that’s sad, she is very hot, uh I mean a good actress and indirectly responsible for Obama being President.

    [re=620710]weejee[/re]: Still not in our favor unless one of us is the Chosen One. Any perky teenage girls here instead of usual gang of grouchy old-timers?

  • bureaucrap

    [re=620708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: My understanding that is that the minions of Satan have already chosen Rep. Aaron Schock to be the next receptacle of damnation. The ceremonial burning of a teal belt is simply the first sacrifice in the panoply of those stygian rites.

  • Jack Stuef

    [re=620710]weejee[/re]: I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But he has to die at some point. Right? Oh.

  • Come here a minute

    Pulses, like deficits, don’t matter.

  • Katydid

    [re=620723]Bucky Katt[/re]: Last week I instructed my mother that if I die and she allows them to transplant my heart into Cheney I will haunt her. And, oh, goddammit, now I have to go tell her not to give my eyes to fucking Glenn Beck. I think I’m just going to pull my donor card.

  • HelmutNewton

    As long as he can continue to bathe in the blood of virgins, NOTHING can kill him.

  • Blogette

    Wonkette just proved beyond reasonable doubt that Dick Cheney is in fact, the anti-Christ. Hmmmm. More wrinkles than I imagined.

  • Sharkey

    Five and a half years, Alan!

  • Mr Blifil

    There’s an app for that, turns out.

  • Extemporanus

    Does he lock it with a zipper?

  • Suds McKenzie

    yeah, Rachael Maddow brought this up LAST WEEK. But, .. she looks like a dude, so whatever.

  • Carson

    He also has no reflection in mirrors.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=620726]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Robert Morse was on a track to be as big as Bill Murray or Jim Carrey, but his meteoric rise ended up in an ignominious failed career replete with Tony Awards and a meteorically hot TV show. I hope you’re paying attention Jim Newell. It could be decades before you’re as hot as you were a few months ago.

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=620703]m_supercomputer[/re]: Undead or reanimated tissue? If he’s a zombie, we can shoot him in the head. And then use the fire.

  • WriteyWriterton

    [re=620763]Mr Blifil[/re]: Them Murrays and Carreys sure can pick their vehicles, eh? And Eddie Murphy, too. My, my, my. Mostly Yugos, but whatever.

  • germansteel


  • Sharkey

    “I think they’re in the last throes, if you will, of the in-surgery.”

  • SayItWithWookies

    “If you can’t feel it, it’s working.” By the sheerest coincidence, this is also what Dick Cheney said to the girls he dated.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=620713]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: make it the 11th, then we can call it a wash.

  • Native of SL UT

    I suffer from heart failure. Heart failure is no laughing matter. Except when it’s Cheney.

  • Norbert

    [re=620772]germansteel[/re]: win

  • Poisoned Rationality

    [re=620715]Ablington[/re]: Touche …. What a shame he has only one life to lose, for the country.

  • weejee

    [re=620754]Extemporanus[/re]: He’s gonna pull it out and show everyone his pump!!! Gasp!!!!

    nice jazzy bit, btw.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=620708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Maybe that’s not necessary as Liz Cheney has given enough indication that she was born Rosemary Baby style and thus makes Dick unnecessary.

    [re=620705]Panquake[/re]: The Washington Post is already working on their special commemorative issue, complete with tributes by both Bush’s, Charles Krauthammer, and the ghost of Genghis Kahn.

  • FiftyAmeroBill

    Poor Cheney. Only thing keeping him going was thinking of all the dying Pelicans. What with how Halliburtons shoddy contracting contributed to the disaster it really raised his spirits. Just not the same now.

  • President Inaugural Balls

    So he’s dead, right? It’s safe to come out from under my bed?

  • Rotundo

    Weren’t they talking about him running for the presidency a scant few months back? I wonder what the slogans would be now? Dick Cheney In your heart you know he’s right, in his heart there isn’t much going on. Dick Cheney, Eternally your president.
    Maybe they’ll do a “Nixon under glass” set up like they had on Futurama with him. Leave him in the White house and when he pisses Barry off, he can just turn him toward the wall, or put him in a little cabinet.

  • Oldskool

    Like the coelacanth, a living relic.

  • sezme

    Sith lords don’t need no stinkin’ pulses.

  • Oldskool

    My apologies to coelacanths everywhere.

  • pinko-commie

    Why are people interfering with God’s will to make Dick Cheney die? This is at least the twelfth time God has tried. Does Yahweh need to send a burning bush to you people?

  • themcw

    [re=620745]Katydid[/re]: Joan Crawford segment of Night Gallery, “Eyes,” directed by Steven Spielberg.

  • dex

    this is the best news i’ve heard all day?

  • turdsandwich

    nobody else thought it was amazingly apropos that Cheney likely is taking the drug ‘warfarin’? Just sayin’.

  • Katydid

    [re=620839]themcw[/re]: Is it creepier than this?

  • CanadianBacon

    So this is to tide him over till he gets a heart transplant. It does seem appropriate someone has to die so Dick and his ideas can continue.

  • user-of-owls

    So now, every time a reporter or pollster talks about ‘taking the pulse of America,’ Redstate will pitch a hissy fit.

  • Barrelhse

    [re=620708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: When I heard that Levi and Bris were “10 toes up, 10 toes down” once again, my first thought was that they would be the chosen couple.

  • Barrelhse

    or Mia Farrow.

  • hoosiermama

    I did not need this news. Thank God there is Zegerid.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=620803]weejee[/re]: The “Afghan/Tin Man” intersection was simply too apropos to pass up.

    Here’s their smooth-as-crude studio cut of the same tune.

  • Malketeer

    The Taliban better get crackin’ on Cheney’s Lifetime Recruitment Award. Those things are like Nobels – you can’t win one posthumously.

  • Zorg

    For some reason, I am not surprised. But, Warfarin in his breakfast ration of raw unbaptized baby flesh is good news. Warfarin killed Stalin, mebbe.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Can’t wait for people to pretend they miss the fucker when/if he ever kicks. Biden will probably have to poke himself in the eye with a pen to produce tears. And all that lying at the funeral service about ‘what a good man Cheney was’ will probably tilt the earth’s axis, cause a tsunami and earthquake & basically wipe out all of mankind. Whoo hoo…hopefully there will be some tasty hors d’oeuvres at the wake.

  • zhubajie

    I’m surprised he didn’t have a transplant when he was VP, with G-d knows how many teen-age hearts available in the torture Gulag.

  • LiveFromSinusCity

    Aw does this mean he’s going to show up at our next Zombie Walk? Crap.

  • Shaft9ii

    -“Homer, you killed the zombie Cheney!”
    -“He was a zombie?”

  • 13ollocks To The Rules

    The old undead cunt should look for a bit part in a “Twilight” movie. After seeing that, your teen will probably never leave the house again.

  • JMP

    I am very disappointed by everyone’s gloating over Cheney’s possible immanent death via heart failure; you should be ashamed of yourselves. Don’t you know that heart failure is fairly quick and painless? Unless Cheney dies in a very painful drawn-out process, one that has him begging to die long before his life actually ends, there is no justice in this world.

  • Barrelhse

    [re=620915]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You made me lol, realizing what a tough assignment it would be to feign grief for the wretched cocksucker. It should be cause for many quotable quotes,though, enough to keep us laughing for years. I mean as we try to heal our collective grief, that is. Laughter is the best medicine. That’s the only reason I’d laugh, of course. Right?

  • gjdodger
  • sezme

    Anyway, don’t you need to have blood running through your veins in order to have a pulse?

  • notreallyhelping

    This is so sad. I mean, just think of his nice fam….

    Ok, scratch that. Still, he is a human being. It’s not like he’s some monster who started a completely stupid, useless war that killed and maimed thousands of….

    Hmm. No, wait! He did dedicate his whole life to civil service. It’s not he was the kind of guy who used his influence to line his pockets, resulting in a corrupt energy policy that led to entire sections of the country being destroyed…or…uh…flooded…or….

    Well, look. Everyone has friends. It’s not like he’s some kind of completely hideous bastard who’d shoot one his own friends in the face for no good….


    Shit. This empathy thing is harder than I thought.

  • kudzu

    I knew he was a cyborg. I knew it!

  • Barrelhse

    [re=620946]notreallyhelping[/re]: You sociopath you.

  • themcw

    [re=620869]Katydid[/re]: Joan thinks so.

  • WriteyWriterton

    [re=620943]gjdodger[/re]: That does it for me. Check, please.

  • RationalMan

    You know what’s scary? Cheney has the resources to arrange to go to some third-world orphanage to pick out his new heart.

  • Clancy_Pants

    [re=620847]turdsandwich[/re]: Warfarin? Hmmmm… Rat poison by any other name! Be nice to see his INR up around 20?

  • ashabot

    Oh god, when will this monster die?

  • tribbzthesquidz

    [re=620998]RationalMan[/re]: Got those at the Wal-Martsez in Beijing.
    [re=620946]notreallyhelping[/re]: This man is truly a test of ones empathy reserves. I fail.

  • WriteyWriterton

    “Warfarin is used to prevent blood clots from forming or growing larger in your blood and blood vessels. It is prescribed for people with certain types of irregular heartbeat, people with prosthetic (replacement or mechanical) heart valves, and people who have suffered a heart attack. Warfarin is also used to treat or prevent venous thrombosis (swelling and blood clot in a vein) and pulmonary embolism (a blood clot in the lung). Warfarin is in a class of medications called anticoagulants (‘blood thinners’). It works by decreasing the clotting ability of the blood.”

    Contraindicated where patient realizes that ends do not justify means.

  • crcombine

    You’re acting as though you believe the Dickster only recently became a zombie. Stop and think…wouldn’t this coincide perfectly with his role as VP to America’s first brainless President? Come on, people; it just makes too much sense! I’m guessing he rose from the crypt in 1999 or so and feasted on what was left of the coke-addled boy king’s grey matter.

  • Surfeit O’Hubris

    [re=620946]notreallyhelping[/re]: Epic win.

  • mustardman

    Cheney with no pulse. How appropriate. I suspect he has no reflection in the mirror either.

  • Mike Di Leo

    [re=621013]WriteyWriterton[/re]: In lieu of a blood thinner to prevent clots, Cheney is actually hooked up to an IV of Corexit.

  • WriteyWriterton

    [re=621033]Mike Di Leo[/re]: Slick!

  • BarackMyWorld

    [re=620726]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Ah, yes, “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying,” the story of a man who keeps getting promoted over and over after ridiculously short periods of time without accomplishing a single thing…not to be confused with “How to Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying” based on the life of Sarah Palin.


    Didn’t Voldemort have the same thing?

  • norbizness

    There’s only one way to kill him, as demonstrated by Peter Weller in Robocop II: Pull his brain out of the drug-fueled robot chassis and smash it on the ground.

  • Dolmance

    This is a very sunny post. But I think that evil little imp which has been animating Dick for so many years has already scurried off that carcass and implanted itself into the daughter. It’s going to be around for a long time.

  • GreyPanter

    Let’s pray that the wires don’t get crossed with the penile implant pump.

  • LiveFromSinusCity

    What would The Doctor do?

    Are they holding a spot for him in the bronze section of Warehouse 13?

  • Rock Ripsnort

    This raises the happy possibility of him being buried alive.

  • MarSF

    H[re=621084]Dolmance[/re]: You think maybe Liz inherited the “Crappy Heart That Wants to Explode” gene from Dick along with his other miserable traits? One can only hope…..

  • Libbygirl

    [re=620731]chaste everywhere[/re]: Poetry.

  • martin

    Oh, please, he lost his pulse when he sold his heart and soul to the devil in 1973.

  • hmmmmmer

    Well, it is about time the old fart had no pulse, now if there would be a large sun flare that would stop electrical impulses then all would be right in the universe.

  • banjomike

    There is no justice in this world- if there was, the first one would have packed him off when he was 35.
    He’s happy now, though… the faint whir of that pump sounds just like black helos, far off in the distance, coming to take him away one more time.