Hello, Jesus? It's us, Your tied-for-first-favorite country. Your pal Glenn is going to need You to do that healing thing, as You certainly will, as he is Your favorite American.Glenn Beck came to Salt Lake City to talk about the Jesus and the America and the Socialism for a stadium spectacular and confided in the crowd of idiots who paid money to see their favorite radio and teevee person that he is maybe going to be blind. “Only Glenn Beck could make a crowd of 6,000 fans laugh while talking about how he may be going blind,” the Deseret News put it, wrongly, as just about anyone could make a crowd of 6,000 people laugh about Glenn Beck going blind. But of course in addition to the lolz there was a whole lot of Glenn Beck crying, which is probably what is causing his vision disease anyway.

This was an “American Revival” event, by the way, “a blending of an old-fashioned tent meeting, a political science seminar and a comedy show,” and certainly it worked well on all of those fronts, especially the last two.

A few weeks ago, Beck went to the doctor because he was having trouble focusing his eyes. “So, I went to the best doctor I could find — while I could still go to the best doctor I could find,” he said, unable to resist a dig at health care reform.

The doctor told Beck he had “macular dystrophy.”

“Is that that Jerry Lewis thing?” Beck joked. “I should have given more.”

Beck said the doctor told him he might be blind in a year or he might not.

“I said, ‘Did you just charge me a thousand dollars for knowing what I already knew my whole life?’ I knew that at 3! ‘You might go blind someday. You might not,’ ” Beck said.

Oh man, doctors, amiright? What do those quacks know?! Wait, Glenn said doctors are good now, though they will be bad under socialism. So that doctor was good.

But perhaps Glenn Beck isn’t really going blind in a physiological sense. Perhaps his vision of the world has just gotten so far off base that he can no longer sense reality.

You can see the blind stuff starting at 6:00 or so in this video:

“Did you just charge me $1,000 for knowing what I already knew my whole life?” “You’re a doctor like I’m a doctor, aren’t cha?” Har har, you’re right, the health care system we have now works so well, Glenn. Also, there are things called audiobooks now, so stop crying about your reading ability. [Deseret News]

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  • actor212

    Glenn Beck is going blind?


    See? How hard was that?

  • norbizness

    Dear Army Corps of Engineers: Please take this opportunity to execute Operation Tupperware, wherein the border fence is disassembled and placed around Utah. Ground all flights and transfer Utah Jazz basketball operations to a city with a more plausible jazz heritage, like Bismarck, North Dakota.

  • Larry Fine

    Am I the first to mention that whacking off caused Glenn to go blind?

  • Juan Cholo

    I’m confused. I thought Glenn loved capitalism. Why is he complaining about “the best doctor” charging him for services rendered.

  • ManchuCandidate

    If Limbaugh is Hear No Evil
    And now Bekc is See No Evil

    Who among the Contard Radio Twats is going to lose their voice?

  • V572625694

    So it’s true what they say about masturbating…

  • user-of-owls

    More proof that God does not exist, for if he did Beck would be going mute.

  • privatejoker

    So he takes a jab at reformed health care and then complains about current health care? huh.

  • V572625694

    [re=620439]Larry Fine[/re]: Yes, damn you.

  • KublaKant

    I hear hairy palms and acne are also symptoms of chronic masturbation. At least that is what the Mormon missionaries told me while they were jerking each other off in my backyard. The theory was if they did it to each other, it wasn’t really masturbation.

  • 13ollocks To The Rules

    Glenn, the encroaching darkness isn’t macular degeneration, it’s just your head slipping further up your ass….lubed, of course, by those incessant tears. Keep sobbing douchebag, you’re almost there……

  • joezoo


  • RoscoePColtraine

    Once again, Glenn Beck relates well to his audience. Who among that assembly hasn’t gone to a doctor and written a check for $1,000? Followed of course, by joking about how silly it was.

  • JMP

    Assuming wikipedia is to be trusted, “The adult-onset form begins later, usually in middle age, and tends to cause relatively mild vision loss.” Which makes it sound like Beck might be grossly exaggerating his condition to garner an emotional response from his audience; but he’d never do a thing like that!

  • Tube City

    What a noble man, trying to save America while personally going blind!

    And what a miracle it will be, when he doesn’t go blind! Praise the Lord! Send money!

  • weejee

    [re=620441]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Now if we could just get them on board for the ‘speak no’ bit.

  • dex

    [re=620461]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: finally, a celebrity who understands me!

  • arewethereyet

    Actually you need something TO masturbate to masturbate. i think it’s the vapo rub he is using. the warning label clearly states no to put in eyes or rectum. i wonder which he does first?

  • chascates

    I tried to find the YouTube video that shows him having vaseline applied to his eyelids to make him cry but it has been removed. I hope his crying routine is what caused it in any event.

  • mookworthjwilson

    [re=620455]KublaKant[/re]: How about a dutch rudder???

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    Glenn’s bio said he first noticed the throbbing while fishing for trouser trout, listening to the Meat Puppets, while grinding his organ with his monkey. Probably nekkid.

    Now you are blind, too.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    “Don’t touch that…Don’t touch that…Don’t touch that… Psssccchhhhtt!! OW!!! I told you not to touch that.”


    Glenn Beck’s God never heard of outlet covers? Oh My God! He probably left the poisons sitting out on the kitchen floor! Actually, he did. Ever heard of a Garden by the name of Eden?

  • iwillsavethispatient

    Thank heavens he’s not going mute; that would be the real disaster for humanity.

  • Sharkey

    He would look so cool with a bandana over his eyes!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Great — now he’ll start thinking that blindness is the price for his gift of prophecy, making him just like Tiresias. I hope Glenn’s doctor told him not to worry — even though he may technically go blind, Beck will continue to see only what he wants to see.

  • Katydid

    [re=620462]JMP[/re]: My first reaction was, “I’ll bet he’s full of shit,” but I felt bad about posting that. I don’t now.

    I’ll bet he’s full of shit.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=620470]chascates[/re]: It wasn’t vaseline, it was vicks.

  • 13ollocks To The Rules

    Another possibility is that he was the recipient of a “Boston Babysitter” (see Urban Dictionary)

  • x111e7thst

    [re=620447]user-of-owls[/re]: The existence of Beck may be proof that a deity exists, hates us and wants us to suffer. Just sayin’.

  • friendlyskies

    G-d has is out for right wingers, man. Reagan said he couldn’t remember anything about the Iran-Contra affair, and WHAPOW, there went his memory. Glenn Beck turns a blind eye to reality, and SHAZAM, so much for his eyesight. Never even mind that the star of Mel Gibson’s Jesus Chainsaw Massacre movie got struck by lightening twice on the set, yet remains grateful that his punishment didn’t involve the Russians.

    Maybe there’s something to the old edict against taking the big guy’s name in vain. How many times did Sarah Palin break that commandment when she was turning the POTUS campaign into a backstabbing reality TV show that would make Mark Burnett blush? And now….

  • bfstevie

    Glenn Beck is confused. My mom explained to me what causes people to go blind.

  • gjdodger

    All of this calls to mind an old joke, the punchline of which is: “‘Lord, I am Glenn Beck,’ and Christ sat down and cried, too.”

  • bfstevie

    [re=620486]bfstevie[/re]: Note to self: Never pause to take a phone call when you have the opportunity to be an earlier commenter on teh Wonkette.

  • chascates

    [re=620480]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Aha! Thanks. I can only hope someone starts putting sand into his Vicks.

  • x111e7thst

    [re=620484]friendlyskies[/re]: So you are saying that God smote her with hookworms?

  • ella

    Will he get his choice of German shepherd or golden retriever?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    This just proves what an awful, terrible dad I would be, if I weren’t so captivated by penises, having a penis of my own. You leave danger all over the house for the kids to discover at their leisure, telling them not to touch or drink or bang their head on it, so they can LEARN from the experience. If they make it to puberty, they’ll probably go at least as far as drinking age. After that, it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do as a parent. The world takes over. Amirite?

    I would be a terrible, terrible father.

  • Extemporanus

    His eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord, and it was super stingy.

  • Okie Dokie Dog

    Maybe God will raise Oral Roberts from the grave and he can lay his awesome healing hands upon the poor wretched afflicted Glenn Beck.

    Brother Oral will probably pick Glenn’s pocket at the same time, but where is he gonna spend it?

    I’m not wasting 9:49 minutes of my life to watch this guy masturbate to his chalkboard.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Rush goes deaf, Glenn goes blind and Sarah is dumb. It must the second coming or something.

  • Sgt. Biyatch

    Is that a veiled, kneeling Glenn Beck in the picture? Is he about to do what I think he’s about to do?

  • JMP

    [re=620479]Katydid[/re]: I’ve looked at several sites, and it appears the disease can cause slowly decreasing vision but never gets to actual blindness. So yeah, most likely full of shit, as usual.

  • weejee

    [re=620479]Katydid[/re]: When your good, you’re very good, but when you’re bad you’re better.

  • 13ollocks To The Rules

    [re=620501]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: It’d take more than two comings to cause these problems – for Rush and Glenn, I imagine it would take years of compulsive alcohol- and drug-addled fapping. Snowbilly probably had her brains fucked loose by endless doses of The Fishing Rod.

  • Prommie

    [re=620483]x111e7thst[/re]: If this is so, Beck’s existence being proof that God exists, hates us, and wants us to suffer, how can this be reconciled with the existence of beer?

  • Suds McKenzie

    Release the Tom Cruise.

  • Can O Whoopass

    God is sending him back to Vietnam to apologize to that village he and Limbaugh burnt to the ground and b-b-qued their kids. Them wannabee vets all did that, you know.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=620512]Prommie[/re]: Bud Light.

  • JadedDIssonance

    I know what my wife looks like…sob…I know what my kids look like…sob…but I still haven’t seen that damn birth certificate!

  • keepinitrealyo

    Between him and Limbaugh, all we need now is to get a third one to agree to speak no evil.

  • JackDempsey

    [re=620501]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:
    Collectively, they’re “Tommy.”

  • notreallyhelping

    I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for the Stevie Wonder duet.

  • DoktorZoom

    “The biggest applause of the night came when [Judge Andrew] Napolitano said the Second Amendment to the Constitution ‘was written to allow you to use it against the government if it is taken over by tyrants.'”

    Oh, come on, you pussies–stop with the teasing already, and tell the faithful when it’s finally time to start shooting liberals. They aren’t going to wait forever, you know.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Can we sit him down with Sharon Angle so she can counsel him on his impending blindness and God’s plan and so forth? She’s such a comfort.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    [re=620497]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: But how are you as a Daddy? amirite? amirite?

  • RPolanski

    Mebbe it’s all part of Beck’s August 28, 2010 “Restoring Honor Rally” scam. First he’s gonna go blind. Then a miracle’s gonna happen on the Washington Mall with Jeebus, and Washington and Lincoln all helping to make the blind man see again. Hallelujah.

  • Troubledog

    Watching Glenn Beck gives Elmer Gantry a raging stiffy.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=620498]Extemporanus[/re]: As his sight slowly deteriorates, he will try to console himself by humming “Praise the Lord and Pass the Diminution.

  • weejee

    OT, sorta. The California bidness gestapo is investigating Glenn Beck’s Goldline scam. Any fool knowz you want to put your monies in strontium-90 laden Bikini Atoll crabs, not gold sillies. You get to eat the crabs and then use the shells as nightlights. Can you do that with your glittery gold? I think not!!!

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=620550]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: Are you mocking me? I go and try to be serious for five seconds. GAH!

  • gurukalehuru

    Oh, fuck off, Glenn. If David Paterson can’t get any sympathy, what makes you think a flaming turdbucket like yourself would?

  • DemmeFatale

    Ha! Ha! GB said “that Jerry Lewis thing!”
    What a knee-slapper!

  • PlanetWingnuta

    if he goes blind will he have his saul of tarsus moment? nahhhhhhhhhhh

  • PlanetWingnuta

    [re=620561]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: not a mock at all.

  • TJBeck

    [re=620509]JMP[/re]: On top of that, apparently a corneal transplant (that will be paid for by the aforementioned gub’mint health care) will pretty much take care of it if it gets bad.

    So yea, he’s full of shit.

    from somerandomsite
    Corneal Transplant Surgery Cost & Profile

    * Avg. Cost: $7500
    * Candidate: Corneal failure, Keratoconus (a steep curving of the cornea)
    * Length: 45-75 minutes
    * Treatments: One
    * Results: Long-lasting
    * Back to work: 3-7 days

  • El Pinche

    “My son. come to me and I’ll come in you with the Jizz of Everlasting Life”

  • rachelv

    [re=620441]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Ann Coulter please?

  • Jim89048

    Rand Paul, paging Dr. Rand Paul…

  • An Outhouse

    “Is that that Jerry Lewis thing?” Beck joked.

    No, its the thing that happens when you can’t keep your hands off your dick.

  • chascates

    Although it would be a hoot watching him try to use his chalkboard and writing gibberish all over the place. Oh wait, that’s what he does now.

  • binarian

    [re=620501]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Unless Rush sees his shadow then it’s six more weeks of winter.

  • JMP

    [re=620579]TJBeck[/re]: And I’m Beck doesn’t have $7500 to spare. But it also looks like the primary treatment is – glasses or contacts, but getting the prescription updated more often than normal. Truly, it will be a miracle and a proof of Mormon god’s love when he still see in a year.

  • GOPCrusher

    Why do I get the impression that this is nothing but another ploy by the Beckster to further scam his minions? God will save Glenn’s eyesight so that he can smite the Progressives(tm). And his peasants will rejoice.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    If Jesus really loved us, he would make Glenn Beck go mute. MUTE, not blind, Jesus! Get your afflictions straight!

    It’s so hard to find good deities these days.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Can this be a surprise, since everything he does is masturbatory?

  • Binky Boinks Sheba

    As far as i’m concerned, Beck hasn’t seen clearly for years. Too much fappin’, I think.

  • augustus

    “I said, ‘Did you just charge me a thousand dollars for knowing what I already knew my whole life?’ I knew that at 3! ‘You might go blind someday. You might not,’ ” Beck said.
    Beck knew at 3 years old what a jerk-off he was. Well it certainly has paid off. Now he’s jerking off his minions for millions. Beck is setting up his first miracle…sainthood is not far off.

  • Zorg

    Well, if’n that macular dystrophy thang doan work, I got a grapefruit spoon as should do the trick. Jus’ sayin’.

  • BadKitty

    This is just a wild guess but perhaps rubbing Vick’s Vaporub into your eyes every day isn’t real good for your eyesight? What an idiot. For his next trick, Beck will be drinking battery acid and complaining that he has a tummy ache.

  • Malketeer

    Hmm, could it be river blindness ??!?!?

  • just pixels

    [re=620446]V572625694[/re]: So it’s true what they say about masturbating…

    It looks like you wrote “So tits grue phat theu 5au adawr masturbating.” Is there something wrong with my monitor?

  • just pixels

    When that guy at the Vatican told Glenn “we are entering a dark time”, what he meant was “You are entering a dark time”. Gotta hand it to those Vaticanistas — they are very well informed.

  • Flanders

    [re=620481]13ollocks To The Rules[/re]: FTW!

  • LiveFromSinusCity

    [re=620441]ManchuCandidate[/re]: With any luck, it will be Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin.

  • ashabot

    Glenn Beck was born blind.

  • lulzmonger

    Meh. This is the same dramawhore who was fearing for his life over a hemorrhoid operation.

    Stop getting our hopes up, Glenn … unless you intend to apply some “Oedipus Therapy” to your tired peepers with a pair of knitting-needles (preferably live on TeeVee).

  • mustardman

    See Glenn, you should have listened to your mommy. Didn’t she warn you that you would go blind if you kept doing that to yourself.

  • Rocky in Texas said…

    Hurry up and go blind Beck…

    because I have a shit load of really nice gold coins I’ve been wanting to sell ya!

  • Maus

    Deuteronomy 28:28, bitches.

  • snoidoid

    I’m just hoping that Mr. Beck can complete the Helen Keller trifecta.

  • Kev O”Tron

    Umm, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy? No, that doesn’t sound right.

  • Arancaytar

    “If Limbaugh is Hear No Evil
    And now Beck is See No Evil

    Who among the Contard Radio Twats is going to lose their voice?”

    Well duh; Bill O’Reilly has been shouting himself hoarse for years now.

  • claytor

    When did Beck become the new world’s worst stand-up comedian? Was this an HBO special? I hear they let you cry uncensored, uninterrupted and commercial free.

    He was funnier when he was boiling frogs.

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