FLOTUS FILES  11:01 am July 19, 2010

Michelle Obama Fans Bravely Battle Glenn Beck’s Inability To Tell Dresses From Pants

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you ....Instead of her usual jogging and preparing salads for America’s fat kids, Michelle Obama took a little vacation down on the Gulf Coast last week to meet with business and community leaders and talk about how our love of driving Escalades around aimlessly on hot summer days, for fun, has ruined the South’s prime sunbathing region. Michelle pointed out that it is not her job to save the Gulf Coast from disaster — she has a childhood obesity epidemic to defeat and stylish clothes to buy! It’s up to the rest of America to preserve Spring Break towns for future generations, and this means listening to Michelle when she tells us that not all the beaches are covered in seagull heaps and dolphin carcasses, and for this reason we should all “come down here and spend some money.”

Mrs. O’s fans are undoubtedly confused as to the whereabouts of this “money” mentioned by the First Lady of the United States (FLOTUS). But this was ultimately of little importance to them, thanks to a series of terrible accusations against the First Lady by fashion-hater Glenn Beck:

Beck said Mrs. O’s Gulf Coast outfit — a printed top and white cropped pants — was “the most Marie Antoinette” of anything Michelle Obama has ever done, according to his giant secret list of ways in which Michelle Obama is the same person as Marie Antoinette. He followed up by repeatedly shouting about the “dress” she was wearing, suddenly making it clear that Glenn Beck does not know the difference between pants and a dress. How does Glenn Beck dress himself in the morning?

Die-hard Michelle fans gathered on Michelle blogs across the Internet to support their First Lady. As one such Michelle fan, “ACES,” pointed out:

“So what if Mrs Obama’s top had patterns like an oil spill?! Soon they’ll be analyzing Bo the first dog’s poop for heaven knows what.”

The fans have spoken: Criticize Mrs. O all you want, but don’t you dare bring up Bo.

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which will appear on Wonkette probably every Monday.

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Hola wonkerados.

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MOG July 19, 2010 at 11:03 am

Oh those arms! Gotta love them. Glenn – get a life. Or at least try.

rmontcal July 19, 2010 at 11:03 am


3x/day, PLZ!

ph7 July 19, 2010 at 11:05 am

Beck is is blind yet he cannot see.

Crab1 July 19, 2010 at 11:08 am

He calls that a French accent? What a rube!

Panquake July 19, 2010 at 11:09 am

Dear Fat Doughy Cunty Mormon Fuck Who Gets Paid Millions to Make Life Worse For Everyone:

Go die.


Redhead July 19, 2010 at 11:11 am

But was that young girl wearing a dress or pants in 1990 when Glenn Beck raped and murdered her?

SayItWithWookies July 19, 2010 at 11:12 am

In a world where Glenn Beck is Martin Luther King, Jr., Michelle Obama is definitely Marie Antoinette. Also, giving unemployment benefits to people without jobs is the reason so many people are unemployed — we’ve taken away their incentive even though employers are crying and screaming at the government to just let some people work already.
Also, welcome Blair Burke — even though that’s clearly a name you lifted from a failed soap opera pilot about an old New England family, once rich from whaling but now carving out a life at various hospitals and law firms, who live in a haunted house.

x111e7thst July 19, 2010 at 11:13 am

[re=620141]ph7[/re]: All the crying must be wearing out his eyeballs.

Pandy July 19, 2010 at 11:14 am

More sarcasm please. It’s still early in the morning here and I need to laugh.

ArkansasFred July 19, 2010 at 11:15 am

Nothing quite as hilarious as an ad hominem attack from a junkie alcoholic.

AnnieGetYourFun July 19, 2010 at 11:15 am

Jesus, that’s a great fucking picture of her up there.

freakishlystrong July 19, 2010 at 11:16 am

And then the Freepers gave us this snippet of hilarity. Like mustadgate, we now have Black Power Ice cream.

Marie Antoinette. Bitch, please.

Gorillionaire July 19, 2010 at 11:21 am

One day, Glenn Beck will shoot himself in the face, at point blank range, with a 12 g shotgun, on live television. You saw it here first people.

Okie Dokie Dog July 19, 2010 at 11:21 am

I was pleased that Glenn Beck pointed out that growing vegetables in your own garden is a blatant Leftists commie act. Real Patriot Merikens get their veggies from gubment subsidized Big Agra farms, and picked by illegals, cause by Gawd, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Other than that, he’s a weaselly granny-panty, wearing KKKunt. And so’s his girlfriend, Billy O.

Leave Bo alone. Those stains on the carpet were left by Barney Bush!

Ducksworthy July 19, 2010 at 11:22 am

Who tipped the ACES person off to Beck’s secret plan to personally examine Bo’s dung for auguries of the coming socialisms?

x111e7thst July 19, 2010 at 11:26 am

[re=620164]Okie Dokie Dog[/re]: Real Amurikkans do not eat vegetables which are a Communist plot to keep us from getting the Type 2 Diabeetus which is our inalienable right.
Real Amurikkans do eat freedom fries because the are fatty and delicious.

OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin July 19, 2010 at 11:27 am

Crikey, she looks good.

BaconTime July 19, 2010 at 11:27 am

Marie who?? Can you please compare her dress to either Ronald Regan or Hitler, so I know what to think about this??

JMP July 19, 2010 at 11:27 am

No, Beck’s right, the French peasantry hated Marie Antoinette for her fashion sense, not for her complete contempt for the poor folk’s needs and the royalty’s failure to redistribute the wealth so that they could actually eat.

Oblios Cap July 19, 2010 at 11:30 am

But Beck can’t even see what he’s talking about:

A few weeks ago, Beck went to the doctor because he was having trouble focusing his eyes. “So, I went to the best doctor I could find — while I could still go to the best doctor I could find,” he said, unable to resist a dig at health care reform.

The doctor told Beck he had “macular dystrophy.”

“Is that that Jerry Lewis thing?” Beck joked. “I should have given more.”

Beck said the doctor told him he might be blind in a year or he might not.

Shades of Oral Roberts! Send Glenn chickens to pay for the Optometrist posthaste!
Or not.

SayItWithWookies July 19, 2010 at 11:35 am

Glenn Beck was off his rocker this morning on his radio show, too. He was quoting from the USSR’s constitution — article 127 for those of you following along at home — about the separation of church and state. His contention was that the liberals made up the “wall of separation between church and state” in the US to mirror the Soviet Union’s constitution. Really. I should not listen to him while I’m driving, because I’m likely to become disoriented and hit an embankment or something, but I sense a slow unwinding of even crazier shit between now and 8/28 (or as Beck the Prognosticator said twice on his show, September 28th).

Lazy Media July 19, 2010 at 11:36 am

This post would be considerably improved with a photo of her outfit; not all of us can get to video links at work. I googled it, and not only does it in no way resemble an oil spill, it’s actually abstract blue flowers on white. So Glenn Beck not only doesn’t know a top from a dress, he can’t tell blue from black. That dude is seriously deranged.

Anyway, the Gulf oil is kinda caramel brown, like motor oil, not black, which Beck would know if HE had been down to the Gulf. But the odds of that doughnut muncher emerging from his studio/lacrimatory are not good.


just pixels July 19, 2010 at 11:38 am

Don’t get him started on Sarah Palin’s penchant for RED blazers — that commie tart. Or the way he wears tears on his face. Tears, it must be said, made of SALT — Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, aka our surrender to the commies.

But THANK GOD (who is wearing a plain white robe with some really nice ruching around the collar) our nation’s problems have been reduced to what Michelle Obama is wearing. That is a problem we can solve.

Kazoom July 19, 2010 at 11:38 am

“How does Glenn Beck dress himself in the morning?”
Why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?

Autochthon July 19, 2010 at 11:40 am

[re=620178]Oblios Cap[/re]: MORE blind, really…

In re: the photo of Ms. Obama – *grrr-OWL*! And I’m not even a girl-kisser, myownself.

Mild Midwesterner July 19, 2010 at 11:42 am

I’m surprised didn’t get more offended when Michelle Obama visited the NAACP wearing blackface.

MarieDeGournay July 19, 2010 at 11:45 am

Beck can only beg the Fates that he will have even a smidgen of the positive effect Marie Antoinette had on history.

bago July 19, 2010 at 11:47 am

Bo knows baseball.
Bo knows Beck.

mumblyjoe July 19, 2010 at 11:51 am


MissyLissa July 19, 2010 at 11:56 am

Every man I’ve ever dated has shown a total inability to tell the difference between dresses and skirts. They seem to think that dresses are long things that aren’t pants and skirts are short things that aren’t pants. So, I’d show up in a cocktail dress and they’d say, “That’s a nice skirt”.

(The difference, for anyone who also misunderpudiates dresses and skirts, is that dresses are one piece and skirts are the bottom part of separates. Length is not an issue.)

But even the most retarded of them (the hedge fund manager) knew what pants were.

Dashboard_Buddha July 19, 2010 at 11:58 am

[re=620155]x111e7thst[/re]: Vapo-rub can be hard on a guy.

weejee July 19, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Beck thinks he’s Julius Caesar, but instead of crossing the Rubicon he’s running the Rube con.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the bad taste intelligence of the American public
with apologies to H.L. Mencken

proudgrampa July 19, 2010 at 12:07 pm

He is just getting more irrelevant every day.

Fucking Mormon.

Mr Blifil July 19, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Ha ha and he’s married and a father of four daughters. Must have lots of respect for the ladies when the recording stops, I’m sure.

user-of-owls July 19, 2010 at 12:15 pm


Beck’s secret plan to personally examine Bo’s dung

It’s part of his desperate attempt to undermine the Palin Hookworm Conjecture by claiming that the First Canine also has the wrigglies. It will be an EPIC FAIL: Bo is clean.

Lazy Media July 19, 2010 at 12:16 pm

[re=620173]JMP[/re]: Except the French sans culottes (not peasants, but urban laborers and idlers) mainly hated her because was a foreigner, and because they’d had some bad harvests that lead to bread shortages (which neither she nor Louis could do anything about). Louis was a weak, ineffective and profligate king, but Marie was all right. Loyal wife (she refused to escape France before the Terror without Louis) and a caring mother, and generally did her best at an impossible job.

I’d like to feel sympathetic about Glenn Beck going blind, but it’s difficult. He’s just an awful, awful person; not just wrong in his beliefs, but actively a force for bad.

Baby who ate the Dingo July 19, 2010 at 12:23 pm

This is soooooooo high school. First, you go on and on and on about how much you think someone is sooooooo mean/ugly/snarky, and then someone says, “oh no, you have a crush on this girl,” and you go “nuh uh,” and they go “yeah,’ and Glenn thinks she’s really hot, but now he’s all “nuh uh” at the dance, and can’t say that she is rilly SMOKIN’ an’ he knows it but you know, “nuh uh.” So he goes on and on and on and on. Til the neddle goes to the end of the lp, and the last words out of the record are “Easy Rider Rifle Rack. Easy Rider Rifle Rack.”

sati demise July 19, 2010 at 12:28 pm

[re=620150]Panquake[/re]: word. fu*gb

the cold war makes me hot July 19, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Damn, that pic of Mrs. O is making me think nasty thoughts. Is it a treasonable offense to want to have hawt lesbian secksytimes with the First Lady? Barry can watch and join in, of course.

comicbookguy July 19, 2010 at 12:35 pm

[re=620153]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’ve been trying to keep up with the latest news, and I’ve learned from Glenn Beck’s radio show that in addition to being MLK, he is now Moses. Also. In accordance with his prophecy from a year ago, America is now officially unrecognizable.

Try and refudiate that. You can’t!

comicbookguy July 19, 2010 at 12:36 pm

[re=620268]the cold war makes me hot[/re]: My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty…

Golfing OJ July 19, 2010 at 12:39 pm

So that’s the missing piece of ass from the Vampire Weekend album cover.

Extemporanus July 19, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Welcome, Blair!

Will Tootie be offering an African-American woman’s perspective on Mrs. Obama’s superfly ways as well?

El Pinche July 19, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Meanwhile Beck remains silent about the rape allegations and Palin hookworms.

Oblios Cap July 19, 2010 at 12:58 pm


It’s been renamed the Palin Hookworm Cuntjecture. English is a living language, you betcha!

Lascauxcaveman July 19, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Because Glenn Beck cannot tell the difference between pants and dresses, Glenn Beck’s personal assistant has a really hard time keeping Glenn Beck’s dresses, and by extension, Glenn Beck, in the closet.

comicbookguy July 19, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Be honest guys, how many times have you used that excuse? I though they were pants when I put them on! I can’t tell the difference! I didn’t know it was pride week!

Jim89048 July 19, 2010 at 2:12 pm

[re=620178]Oblios Cap[/re]: This must be good news for Ayn Rand Paul!

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend July 19, 2010 at 2:20 pm

[re=620317]Extemporanus[/re]: You should be ashamed of making me laugh so loud at work.

JMP July 19, 2010 at 2:37 pm

[re=620317]Extemporanus[/re]: We could use the fat girl and lesbian perspectives as well. And add an Australian perspective late in the column’s run when it’s running out of ideas.

HuddledMass July 19, 2010 at 2:38 pm

One of you heros go forth and declare you would hit that, before I lose all faith. Wonketters assemble!

GOPCrusher July 19, 2010 at 2:56 pm

[re=620489]HuddledMass[/re]: I’d hit Glenn Beck. In the face. With a hand ax.

doxastic July 19, 2010 at 3:05 pm

These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me, or my wife, or on my daughters. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Bo. Well, of course, I don’t resent attacks, and my family doesn’t resent attacks, but Bo does resent them. You know, Bo is Portuegese and being a Kennedy, as soon as he learned that the Republican fiction writers on Fox said I made a Marxist bargain with Trotsky himself to buy the dog him – at a cost to the taxpayers of two or three, or eight or twenty million dollars- his Portuegese soul was furious. He has not been the same dog since. I am accustomed to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself – such as that old, worm-eaten chestnut that I have represented myself as indispensable. But I think I have a right to resent, to object to libelous statements about my dog.

jus_wonderin July 19, 2010 at 5:57 pm

Tell me this isn’t true. Beck is a fashion consultant now? How can he even see her clothes with his head up his ass????

Gayer Than Thou July 19, 2010 at 8:05 pm

[re=620218]MissyLissa[/re]: “misunderpudiates.”


FreshCliches July 19, 2010 at 8:18 pm

I’m no Alex Jones, but I believe that “Dresses” and “Pants” are code words for “Shit” and “Shinola”, respectively.

Crazy Like Fox July 20, 2010 at 4:04 am

Beck’s bitching about flower prints and he says *she’s* a queen?

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