Instead of her usual jogging and preparing salads for America’s fat kids, Michelle Obama took a little vacation down on the Gulf Coast last week to meet with business and community leaders and talk about how our love of driving Escalades around aimlessly on hot summer days, for fun, has ruined the South’s prime sunbathing region. Michelle pointed out that it is not her job to save the Gulf Coast from disaster — she has a childhood obesity epidemic to defeat and stylish clothes to buy! It’s up to the rest of America to preserve Spring Break towns for future generations, and this means listening to Michelle when she tells us that not all the beaches are covered in seagull heaps and dolphin carcasses, and for this reason we should all “come down here and spend some money.”
Mrs. O’s fans are undoubtedly confused as to the whereabouts of this “money” mentioned by the First Lady of the United States (FLOTUS). But this was ultimately of little importance to them, thanks to a series of terrible accusations against the First Lady by fashion-hater Glenn Beck:
Beck said Mrs. O’s Gulf Coast outfit — a printed top and white cropped pants — was “the most Marie Antoinette” of anything Michelle Obama has ever done, according to his giant secret list of ways in which Michelle Obama is the same person as Marie Antoinette. He followed up by repeatedly shouting about the “dress” she was wearing, suddenly making it clear that Glenn Beck does not know the difference between pants and a dress. How does Glenn Beck dress himself in the morning?
Die-hard Michelle fans gathered on Michelle blogs across the Internet to support their First Lady. As one such Michelle fan, “ACES,” pointed out:
“So what if Mrs Obama’s top had patterns like an oil spill?! Soon they’ll be analyzing Bo the first dog’s poop for heaven knows what.”
The fans have spoken: Criticize Mrs. O all you want, but don’t you dare bring up Bo.
Blair Burke (email@example.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which will appear on Wonkette probably every Monday.