THE HOMOSEXUALS ARE COMING!Do you find yourself to be “gay and Jewish,” but wish you could shake the “gay” part? Well, then just remove your pants, stand in front of this mirror and stroke yourself for me, and you’ll be the lady-romancing “Eric Cantor” of your local shul before you know it! The senior counselor for JONAH, (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality … no, really!), the nation’s largest Jewish “pray away the gay” group, which actually exists, has been caught using extremely creative and sexually abusive methods to de-gay his clients.

Truth Wins Out (TWO) released an exclusive video statement today from two former clients of “ex-gay” life coach Alan Downing. The clients, Ben Unger and Chaim Levin, alleged that during individual therapy sessions, Downing made them undress in front of a mirror and touch their bodies while the significantly older therapist watched. Unger and Levin call the sessions a “psychological striptease” and believe they were harmed by what they consider unprofessional behavior and sexual misconduct.

Downing, who admits he is still attracted to men, is a major player in the “ex-gay” industry and a practitioner of so-called “reparative therapy”. He is the lead therapist for Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH) and is listed on the People Can Change website as a “Senior Trainer” for Journey into Manhood, which is a controversial “ex-gay” backwoods retreat designed to supposedly make gay men more masculine.

Journey Into Manhood, of course, spells “JIM,” because these guys always name their ex-gay ministries after the last guy to bang them into sweet guilt-ridden oblivion. (Also, they settled on JONAH because it was too hard to come up with a name that spelled out “SHALOM!”* Also, whales swallow.)

“He was encouraging me, ‘it’s okay Ben, you can take your shirt off’ … here was a man that was much older than me, and I was around 20,” said Ben Unger, a former client of Alan Downing. “At that point, I was just staring at a mirror with my shirt off and he was right behind me staring at the mirror with me at my body. Then telling me to look at my body and feel my body. It was weird.”

There’s video below, but allow me to sum up this method, which you can feel free to try with your nearest penis-having buddy at your earliest convenience! First you have to decide which one of you is going to be “the counselor” and who is going to play “young, strapping, guilty and Chosen.” Got it?

Okay, now, the counselor stands behind the sexy student and encourages him to talk about things that make him feel Less Masculine, and remove an article of clothing for each one. For instance, yours might be “my teal belt,” and so you’d remove the patriotic cock ring you put on that day “just in case.” Now, once you are naked, it’s time to RE-GRASP YOUR MASCULINITY, so please re-grasp your masculinity in front of this mirror where I can see you. (Hint for slow learners: Your masculinity is on your penis.) There, very good! You are a very good student!

Now comes The Awful Part, where you put your clothes back on until next time. Lather, rinse, repeat. See, now you’re not gay, thanks to Science.  Mazel tov!

Also of note: This “JONAH” outfit was co-founded by the Bernie Madoff of 1989, so it’s a complete surprise that they’re gross. [Truth Wins Out/YouTube]

*Semitic Homosexuals Avoiding Licking Other Men. S-H-A-L-O-M! That will be $9.50, please.

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  1. SHALOM –

    Sexual Healing At Last, Oh Man!
    Sodomites Heal At Licentious Onan Meeting

    JONAH –

    Jews Offer Naked Adventures Herein
    Just Ogling Naked Athletic Homos

    Goddammit…it’s like they’re not even trying!

  2. This is a complete ripoff of a therapy that I pioneered for alcoholics — whereby I take an alky to a bar and he buys me beer after beer after beer. Then I charge him a hundred bucks.

  3. So much is wrong here, particularly this:

    “…here was a man that was much older than me…”

    He should have said “much older than I.”

    This is where a life of sin begins: poor grammar.

  4. I tried this once in college, playing “counselor” to a gorgeous guy in my dorm who was vadge-averse. It didn’t work but we’re still very good friends.

  5. As any fundamentalist will tell you godless heathens, it wasn’t actually a whale that swallowed poor Jonah, then spit him up on the beach three days later, none the worse for wear…it was a great fish. I like to think of it as the Loch Ness Monster, but Middle Eastern, and not the least bit made up.

  6. I figured they named it JONAH after a certain Mr. Goldberg; let’s face it, no straight man would have an affair with K-Lo.

    How is JIM an “ex-gay” ministry; I thought Journeying Into Manhood was done by active homosexuals.

  7. [re=620557]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: It is a personal hobby of mine to quietly visit San Francisco gay bar bathroom stalls looking for glory holes.

    Upon finding one, I pull out my Sharpie and draw a picture of a whale around so that the glory hole looks like a blowhole. Time permitting, I also draw a cartoon speech bubble next to the whale’s mouth with a witty comment such as “THAR HE BLOWS!” or “YUM-O SPERM WHALE!!” or “JONAH SWALLOWED!”

    Keep your eyes open, and you just might see one! (But then close them if you do — I hear that whale cum really fucking stings.)

  8. Unger and Levin call the sessions a “psychological striptease”

    I suppose the album by David Rose playing on the turntable gave it away.

  9. I though you started your journey into manhood the first time someone said, “Now bend over and take it like a man!”

    Ahhh, the memories…

  10. What do they mean by “New Alternatives to Homosexuality”? – hasn’t there only ever been two alternatives to the homo – Heterosexuality and No’Mo’sexuality (years ago, I would have said that the latter was the preserve of eunuchs and priests, but we know better now, don’t we?)

  11. [re=620622]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: Argh, I tried to post “cues up the music for Deliverance” in my post, but forget that using grater/lesser than symbols codes out whatever you write, and lost. Well played.

    [re=620620]Extemporanus[/re]: One-man bukkake is pretty low-budget, no?

  12. Is this the plot for a cheesy porno?

    Psych: Go ahead Bob, touch your self, tell me what you feel…
    Bob: well Doctor, my nuts are really sensitive…
    Psych: Here, let me see. How does this feel…when I lightly run my fingers across you.
    Bob: Oh man that’s great…I can feel the gayness leaving my body and running down into my dick
    Psych: That’s the whole idea…now I’ll just kneel here and suck all the gayness out of your dick.
    Bob: (moans)

  13. [re=620620]Extemporanus[/re]: Call me Yeeshmael. Some days ago—never mind how long precisely—sensing little or no pussy in my future, I thought I would swish about a little and check out the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the jim-jams, and stemming the otherwise continuous self-stim. Whenever I find myself growing tense about the middle; whenever it is a dry, dismal November in my hole; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before leather shops, and bringing up the rear of every Pride Parade I meet; and especially whenever my libidos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong legal principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically offering to blow every cute guy I meet—-then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean, and one another, with me.

  14. [re=620608]Mad Brahms[/re]: Not possible. I mean, there’s “Deliverance,” but we all know how THAT trip turned out.

    [re=620582]Extemporanus[/re]: I’m guessing this little hobby of yours started at Moby Dick on 18th Street?

  15. [re=620641]KingofQueenAnne[/re]: I corresponded with a woman from JONAH last year. I wrote to yell at her about how they’re harming gay people, specifically teens. I wrote as the mother of a Jewish lesbian, and I was pretty angry.

    She wrote back, in part: “In spite of the propaganda mill of gay activists and their allies, there is no evidence of harm attached to such therapy. Indeed, those who have participated in our psycho-educational-spiritual program report their positive experiences from engaging in such a program. Hundreds of studies confirm the fact that all 4 variables can indeed be changed with appropriate gender-affirming processes. (see either which has an article by Ben Newman on it referencing some of these studies and also the web site , a web site written entirely by men who have successfully changed their sexual orientation and also references several of these studies).”

    Yeah. Fucking assholes.

    The JONAH site is mostly filled with women trying to de-gay their husbands. It’s all so insane. I feel so bad for the people caught up in the bullshit. After my daughter came out to me, at 14, she told me how much she had struggled with not wanting to be gay at first, and how long it took for her to accept it in herself. And she came out so young! My heart bleeds for the people who don’t have supportive families.

    Sorry there is no snark; this stuff is very personal to me.

  16. [re=620664]Katydid[/re]: I understand the “this is personal” stuff. That’s why we do what we do at TWO.

    Okay, back to snarking, since I’m “Wonkette Evan” right now. Multiple personalities are a bitch.

  17. The guy on guy stripping is only part of the therapy. It also includes seminars in flower arranging and trips to Cher concerts.

  18. [re=620675]Evan Hurst[/re]: OK, one more serious thing, then I’ll let it go. I thank you for TWO. As a mom, I just want to smash every parent who has ever caused their kid grief about being gay. I asked my daughter if I could have possibly done anything to have made it easier for her to come out to me and she said no, she knew I wouldn’t care. And it was still hard for her to come out. I just can’t imagine what it’s like for kids who have assholes for parents, esp. religious assholes.

    I just don’t know why people just won’t let other people alone.

    Since my snark is now back on, good to know you’re bi.

  19. [re=620634]Mad Brahms[/re]: When the whale’s the bukkake-er, one man’s all ya need.

    [re=620663]One Yield Regular[/re]: Ha ha! Wait…

    Oh man, you just reminded me — I watched the 2004 presidential election returns at Moby Dick! I drank so many whiskey semens that night trying to drown the pain that I must’ve totally blacked it out.

    (No homo!)

  20. [re=620664]Katydid[/re]: “women working to de-gay their husbands” Uh, this one really astonishes me. If someone’s married and discovers their husband/wife is gay, wouldn’t the next step be to file for divorce? Not try to push them into bullshit, abusive “therapy”?

    These treatments also seem to be almost exclusively for gay men; it’s as if lesbians, being women, didn’t matter at all. Which is probably good for lesbian women in these backwards nasty religious sects.

  21. [re=620756]JMP[/re]: Eh, lots of gay guys have been married to women over the years, and frequently were out to their partners. Where you want to put your willy does not always translate to whom you want to have a family with. I’m not saying it’s the HEALTHIEST way to have a relationship, but it’s just an extension of the Will-and-Grace syndrome.

    Now, trying to pray the gay off your spouse, that’s just sad.

  22. “young, strapping, guilty and Chosen”

    (a) single finest decontextualized phrase in the history of the English language
    (b) so/so personal injury law firm
    (c) just one more Neil Young vehicle thwarted by record company politics
    (d) sequel to Bob & Ted & Carol & Alice, except with the gays
    (e) all of the above

  23. There’s only one way for the GLBT community to respond: create a “Homos for Hebes” organization and start actively recruiting immediately.

  24. Indeed, the mere thought of a naked Jonah Goldberg (or even just shirtless) is enough to terrify the gay out of the most hardcore of homosexualists. Believe me, I saw him on the streets of Manhattan once and, instantly, I was SCARED STRAIGHT. Well, not really, but almost.

  25. [re=620756]JMP[/re]: “If someone’s married and discovers their husband/wife is gay, wouldn’t the next step be to file for divorce?”

    It would be if marriage in this country were more about love, acceptance, change and growth. Sadly, it’s more about winning. If your husband changes teams, it’s all about you, honey.

  26. [re=620756]JMP[/re]: It’s all insane. If you read the “Our Stories & Letters” on the JONAH site, you’ll see how horrible it all is. To be generous, the women are in denial. The two women whose stories are up there now seem to be Orthodox, so there’s religious fundamentalism to contend with too. They’re more worried about the “stigma” of divorce than living an honest life.

  27. [re=620658]chaste everywhere[/re]: In junior high, I once wrote a 25 page paper on the “white” symbolism in Moby Dick. It was only supposed to be 10 pages, but once I got going, well…

    I was going to reply to your luridly lyrical rewrite with a baroque one of my own based upon the first sentence of Herman Melville’s other seminal work, Billy Budd, but after changing just one word, I was stopped by the realization that to edit further would be utterly unnecessary:

    “In the time before steamrooms, or then more frequently than now, a stroller along the docks of any considerable seaport would occasionally have his attention arrested by a group of bronzed mariners, man-of-war’s men or merchant sailors in holiday attire, ashore on liberty.”

  28. [re=620573]V572625694[/re]: You are totally awesome! Wait! Have I split an infinitive? You totally are awesome! Um…totally awesome are you! OH my, the pressure of grammarizing more correctlier.

  29. [re=620929]just pixels[/re]: OMG I WANT THAT ON MY FAMILY CREST, or whatever it is we WASP motherfuckers are supposed to have. Do we have crests? Arms, coats of? Genetic predispositions for alcoholism?

    Maybe I will just put it on a shot glass.

  30. “Journey into Manhood, where Downing is a counselor, exhibits similar eyebrow raising techniques. Writer Ted Cox infiltrated this peculiar program and was surprised to find what he called, “homoerotic exercises” and a cabin that he called “The Cuddle Room” because it was a space where supposedly “ex-gay” men gave each other inappropriate massages.”

    It should tip you off when “The Cuddle Room” has a fisting sling hanging from the rafters.

  31. [re=620982]biggeek[/re]: So basically, it’s gay summer camp? You hook up, feel guilty about it, drink and/or smoke pot behind the cabins to forget, then release your worries in the embrace of a hundred peni in the “cuddle room”? Lovely.

  32. [re=620576]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: A day later, and I’m still trying to get my head around the existence of people who are convinced the Earth is a few thousand years old, yet are offended if you utilize incorrect phylogeny in their fairy tales.

  33. “co-founded by the Bernie Madoff of 1989”

    It is a Penis Pyramid scheme! See, by taking part you provide your penis to the counselor and then have the opportunity to become a counselor yourself and gain the penises of other participants!

  34. Every time I see me, I touch myself. I touch myself….

    Do the Divinyls get a royalty payment every time this poser gets a dude to do this? Hope so.

  35. Yeah J.I.M. nothing to get somebody over the whole being gay thing like spending a week alone in the woods with a bunch of gay guys trying to “get in touch with their masculinity”.

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