Ready for his closeupIf you’ve managed to stay interested in the whole long, sordid tale of John Edwards, with the cancer and the lies and the infidelity and the new-agers and the bastard children and the aides with creepy hero-worship complexes and the anilingus sex tapes, then you’re probably thinking, “Boy howdy, someone should make this into a movie! I’d sure watch that!” Well, it’s already been made into a movie, dummy, by John Edwards, when he was performing the aforementioned sex act on the aforementioned new ager, and then Andrew Young just showed it to journalists, to make them uncomfortable. But now it’s being cleaned up and made into a movie that you could take your grandmother to (if you hate her) by West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, and the script is based on the book written Edwards victim/fall guy/slave Andrew Young. (The only person handsome/hateable enough to play Edwards is Tom Cruise, by the way.)

Sorkin is hot off writing a movie about the guy who founded Facebook, based on a book written by his ex-best friend who now hates his guts, so this seems like a logical next step. What drew him to the material?

“This is a first-hand account of an extraordinary story filled with motivations, decisions and consequences that would have lit Shakespeare up,” Sorkin said. “There’s much more to Andrew’s book than what has been reported and I’m grateful that he’s trusting me with it.”

It will be EXACTLY like Shakespeare, but with more ass-licking. Pray for a PG-13 rating. [Variety]

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  1. *More* ass-licking? Josh, this is Willy Boy we’re talking about. The man couldn’t get a stiffy unless he said the c-word about ten times fast.

  2. Tom Cruise the only guy handsome/hateable enough to play John Edwards? You’re no casting director, Josh. How about Gary Cole? Apparently he’s been on the West Wing, so Sorkin already knows him. He played Bill Lumbergh in “Office Space”, so we know he’s capable of playing a douchebag.

  3. This confluence of evil spirits (Edwards, Sorkin, “Andrew” Young) will have evil results. And everyone in the movie will be walking and talking.

  4. That anyone would think that there are enough ticket-buyers out there who want to see this story on the silver screen – or on DVD, two weeks after it’s inevitable one-weekend-and-done-close – serves to perfectly explain why this country is already on the ash-heap of history (we just don’t acknowlege it yet).

  5. Yagh — John Edwards is the Tori Spelling of politics — annoying, pointless, stupid, involved in a long, dull, pointless, stupid affair that will not end, and attracting shoals of rich boring assholes. If we threw him overboard, like Panurge did with that sheep, would the rest follow him and rid us forever of their insufferableness? I think we should at least try.

  6. [re=618848]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: [re=618850]BarackMyWorld[/re]: I salute your casting suggestions, even though they are different than my own. Perhaps that could to streaming video of the auditions on Wonkette.

    One additional suggestion: Christopher Walken. Everything is better with Christopher Walken. Wow!

  7. Casting wish list aside, *whoever* plays John Edwards MUST have high profile affair with a low profile nutjob, which results in some kid who’s used as a McGuffin in the ensuing Enquirer chase.
    That way, we get the whole “life imitates art imitates life imitates art” hall of mirrors.

  8. …would have lit Shakespeare up…
    I tried to picture this and all I could come up with is the bard tied to a stake atop a mound of fuel. Sickos.

  9. This is gonna be big. PRIMARY COLORS big. And how is Sorkin, America’s most turgid political screenwriter since Gore Vidal, going to reconcile his 2 million-words-per-minute dialogue with the languid pacing inherent in the son of a Southern mill-worker?

  10. Anyone who says Obama wasn’t qualified to be president and was only nominated because he was black should be reminded that John Edwards, a white man less qualified than Obama, was put on the national ticket in 2004.

  11. It had never occured to me before, but I have to admit Coriolanus would be considerably improved by three or four spontaneous outburst s of asslicking. Richard II too.

  12. Are Aaron Sorkin and Maureen Dowd still dating? She referenced him in her column recently. And she has had lots to say about Johnny E.

  13. [re=618887]FMA[/re]: Nice idea, but don’t forget that Roman P. has time on his hands now.
    Added bonus: Whoever plays Edwards will have to learn to say, “Sweeeess Cheese.”

  14. [re=618895]Prommie[/re]: Please no one answer Prommie’s question. If I know I’ll have to gouge my eyes out in horror at the would-be vision.

  15. [re=618857]V572625694[/re]: And everyone in the movie will be walking and talking.

    Why can’t they type blog comments and talk instead? That’s what I’m doing right now in some kind of a meeting about product safety standards or some such thing.

  16. [re=618915]just pixels[/re]: Ass-licking is a symptom of the most overpowering form of lust, once or twice a lifetime lust, you know. If it has never hit you before, the deep desire to eat ass, just wait, it will.

  17. Ass-licking movies are a highly unappreciated genre. Haven’t seen a quality ass-licking movie since Stop! My Ass Is On Fire! or Vlad The Impaler.

  18. Just as long as there are also movies about Mark Sanford and John Ensign. And NO movie about David Vitter unless Will Farrell plays him.

  19. [re=618918]just pixels[/re]:
    Why can’t they type blog comments and talk instead? That’s what I’m doing right now in some kind of a meeting about product safety standards or some such thing.

    Oh, you work for BP too!!! Hi!!!

  20. …a movie that you could take your grandmother to…

    Great idea! She would’ve been 110 next month, but since she was a lifetime fan of rasslin’, I think she would like this, too.

  21. There’s no point in saying, “This is good news for John McCain,” as he’s right now entirely kicking the ASS of that Hayworth toad, or did I mean “licking the ass” of same, given Get-Off-My-Lawn!’s pell-mell rightward fall? Anyway, I’m not going to see this movie, if it ever appears in the multiplexes (of which, I might say, John Edwards has many in his head), because I prefer to give blood through my veins and not my eyes.

  22. There BETTER be asslicking. All the best Europorn has the asslicking, and that way, the main release can be semi-arthouse but still very rated R, and the obvious porn knockoffs can commence.

    Us political porn enthusiasts are few and far between. I’m making my pretty please face.

    I’m with Prommie: whose ass is getting licked makes all the difference. Who directs depends on whose ass is getting licked. If it’s the girl, Kevin Smith. If it’s the guy, whoever did The Chronicles Of Riddick.

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