Perfectly Gross Movie About John Edwards Now In the Works

  people who won't go away

Ready for his closeupIf you’ve managed to stay interested in the whole long, sordid tale of John Edwards, with the cancer and the lies and the infidelity and the new-agers and the bastard children and the aides with creepy hero-worship complexes and the anilingus sex tapes, then you’re probably thinking, “Boy howdy, someone should make this into a movie! I’d sure watch that!” Well, it’s already been made into a movie, dummy, by John Edwards, when he was performing the aforementioned sex act on the aforementioned new ager, and then Andrew Young just showed it to journalists, to make them uncomfortable. But now it’s being cleaned up and made into a movie that you could take your grandmother to (if you hate her) by West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, and the script is based on the book written Edwards victim/fall guy/slave Andrew Young. (The only person handsome/hateable enough to play Edwards is Tom Cruise, by the way.)

Sorkin is hot off writing a movie about the guy who founded Facebook, based on a book written by his ex-best friend who now hates his guts, so this seems like a logical next step. What drew him to the material?

“This is a first-hand account of an extraordinary story filled with motivations, decisions and consequences that would have lit Shakespeare up,” Sorkin said. “There’s much more to Andrew’s book than what has been reported and I’m grateful that he’s trusting me with it.”

It will be EXACTLY like Shakespeare, but with more ass-licking. Pray for a PG-13 rating. [Variety]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

58 comments

  1. Decker

    I think Shakespeare had more going for him than “I wanna nail that!” and resulting zany hijinks.

  2. Fuck Toad

    Wait, the tapes featured rimming? I don’t remember My Wonkette reporting on that. Was I just high, or was NEWELL hiding the truth?

  3. Potater

    *More* ass-licking? Josh, this is Willy Boy we’re talking about. The man couldn’t get a stiffy unless he said the c-word about ten times fast.

  4. bfstevie

    Tom Cruise the only guy handsome/hateable enough to play John Edwards? You’re no casting director, Josh. How about Gary Cole? Apparently he’s been on the West Wing, so Sorkin already knows him. He played Bill Lumbergh in “Office Space”, so we know he’s capable of playing a douchebag.

  5. V572625694

    This confluence of evil spirits (Edwards, Sorkin, “Andrew” Young) will have evil results. And everyone in the movie will be walking and talking.

  6. thejesusandmarycheney

    Shakespearean, eh? Does that mean there will be a scene of John nose-deep in Rielle’s “country matters”?

  7. germansteel

    That anyone would think that there are enough ticket-buyers out there who want to see this story on the silver screen – or on DVD, two weeks after it’s inevitable one-weekend-and-done-close – serves to perfectly explain why this country is already on the ash-heap of history (we just don’t acknowlege it yet).

  8. user-of-owls

    Looks like they’ll be adding a new channel to the cable lineup:

    Lifetime After Dark

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Yagh — John Edwards is the Tori Spelling of politics — annoying, pointless, stupid, involved in a long, dull, pointless, stupid affair that will not end, and attracting shoals of rich boring assholes. If we threw him overboard, like Panurge did with that sheep, would the rest follow him and rid us forever of their insufferableness? I think we should at least try.

  10. bfstevie

    [re=618848]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: [re=618850]BarackMyWorld[/re]: I salute your casting suggestions, even though they are different than my own. Perhaps that could to streaming video of the auditions on Wonkette.

    One additional suggestion: Christopher Walken. Everything is better with Christopher Walken. Wow!

  11. weejee

    Will the music be by Rimsky-Korsakov? Maybe from one of his historical melodramas like The Tsar’s Bride?

    Rimsky, Rimsky, Rimsky

  12. Potater

    [re=618868]bfstevie[/re]: Christopher Walken as Rielle Hunter would make one hell of a sex tape. A-OOO-GA.

  13. El Pinche

    I’ll wait for the porn versions, “Johnny’s Two Americas I: Preggo Pounder” & “Johnny’s Two Americas II: Hate Fucker”

  14. JackDempsey

    Casting wish list aside, *whoever* plays John Edwards MUST have high profile affair with a low profile nutjob, which results in some kid who’s used as a McGuffin in the ensuing Enquirer chase.
    That way, we get the whole “life imitates art imitates life imitates art” hall of mirrors.

  15. lumpenprole

    …would have lit Shakespeare up…
    I tried to picture this and all I could come up with is the bard tied to a stake atop a mound of fuel. Sickos.

  16. norbizness

    This is gonna be big. PRIMARY COLORS big. And how is Sorkin, America’s most turgid political screenwriter since Gore Vidal, going to reconcile his 2 million-words-per-minute dialogue with the languid pacing inherent in the son of a Southern mill-worker?

  17. BarackMyWorld

    Anyone who says Obama wasn’t qualified to be president and was only nominated because he was black should be reminded that John Edwards, a white man less qualified than Obama, was put on the national ticket in 2004.

  18. Tommmcatt

    It had never occured to me before, but I have to admit Coriolanus would be considerably improved by three or four spontaneous outburst s of asslicking. Richard II too.

  19. Rosie Scenario

    Are Aaron Sorkin and Maureen Dowd still dating? She referenced him in her column recently. And she has had lots to say about Johnny E.

  20. user-of-owls

    [re=618887]FMA[/re]: Nice idea, but don’t forget that Roman P. has time on his hands now.
    Added bonus: Whoever plays Edwards will have to learn to say, “Sweeeess Cheese.”

  21. just pixels

    [re=618895]Prommie[/re]: Please no one answer Prommie’s question. If I know I’ll have to gouge my eyes out in horror at the would-be vision.

  22. just pixels

    [re=618857]V572625694[/re]: And everyone in the movie will be walking and talking.

    Why can’t they type blog comments and talk instead? That’s what I’m doing right now in some kind of a meeting about product safety standards or some such thing.

  23. Prommie

    [re=618915]just pixels[/re]: Ass-licking is a symptom of the most overpowering form of lust, once or twice a lifetime lust, you know. If it has never hit you before, the deep desire to eat ass, just wait, it will.

  24. GOPCrusher

    Ass-licking movies are a highly unappreciated genre. Haven’t seen a quality ass-licking movie since Stop! My Ass Is On Fire! or Vlad The Impaler.

  25. chascates

    Just as long as there are also movies about Mark Sanford and John Ensign. And NO movie about David Vitter unless Will Farrell plays him.

  26. jus_wonderin

    [re=618918]just pixels[/re]:
    Why can’t they type blog comments and talk instead? That’s what I’m doing right now in some kind of a meeting about product safety standards or some such thing.

    Oh, you work for BP too!!! Hi!!!

  27. Jim89048

    …a movie that you could take your grandmother to…

    Great idea! She would’ve been 110 next month, but since she was a lifetime fan of rasslin’, I think she would like this, too.

  28. Fuck Toad

    [re=618859]Fuck Toad[/re]: And now Josh has remedied this, warming my cold librul heart.

  29. Rotundo

    [re=619300]Buttery1000[/re]: As the “stunt ass” that Tom Cruise tongues out? Probably would need a bit more hair….

  30. Rotundo

    [re=619345]Rotundo[/re]: To be believable as Rielles asshole. The bodily one as opposed to former senator Edwards.

  31. WriteyWriterton

    There’s no point in saying, “This is good news for John McCain,” as he’s right now entirely kicking the ASS of that Hayworth toad, or did I mean “licking the ass” of same, given Get-Off-My-Lawn!’s pell-mell rightward fall? Anyway, I’m not going to see this movie, if it ever appears in the multiplexes (of which, I might say, John Edwards has many in his head), because I prefer to give blood through my veins and not my eyes.

  32. Chuckie Jesus

    There BETTER be asslicking. All the best Europorn has the asslicking, and that way, the main release can be semi-arthouse but still very rated R, and the obvious porn knockoffs can commence.

    Us political porn enthusiasts are few and far between. I’m making my pretty please face.

    I’m with Prommie: whose ass is getting licked makes all the difference. Who directs depends on whose ass is getting licked. If it’s the girl, Kevin Smith. If it’s the guy, whoever did The Chronicles Of Riddick.

Comments are closed.