PEOPLE WHO WON'T GO AWAY  12:10 pm July 16, 2010

Perfectly Gross Movie About John Edwards Now In the Works

by Josh Fruhlinger

Ready for his closeupIf you’ve managed to stay interested in the whole long, sordid tale of John Edwards, with the cancer and the lies and the infidelity and the new-agers and the bastard children and the aides with creepy hero-worship complexes and the anilingus sex tapes, then you’re probably thinking, “Boy howdy, someone should make this into a movie! I’d sure watch that!” Well, it’s already been made into a movie, dummy, by John Edwards, when he was performing the aforementioned sex act on the aforementioned new ager, and then Andrew Young just showed it to journalists, to make them uncomfortable. But now it’s being cleaned up and made into a movie that you could take your grandmother to (if you hate her) by West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, and the script is based on the book written Edwards victim/fall guy/slave Andrew Young. (The only person handsome/hateable enough to play Edwards is Tom Cruise, by the way.)

Sorkin is hot off writing a movie about the guy who founded Facebook, based on a book written by his ex-best friend who now hates his guts, so this seems like a logical next step. What drew him to the material?

“This is a first-hand account of an extraordinary story filled with motivations, decisions and consequences that would have lit Shakespeare up,” Sorkin said. “There’s much more to Andrew’s book than what has been reported and I’m grateful that he’s trusting me with it.”

It will be EXACTLY like Shakespeare, but with more ass-licking. Pray for a PG-13 rating. [Variety]

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Decker July 16, 2010 at 12:14 pm

I think Shakespeare had more going for him than “I wanna nail that!” and resulting zany hijinks.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend July 16, 2010 at 12:17 pm

Jack McBrayer as John Edwatds or GTFO.

Fuck Toad July 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Wait, the tapes featured rimming? I don’t remember My Wonkette reporting on that. Was I just high, or was NEWELL hiding the truth?

BarackMyWorld July 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

They won’t get Tom Cruise. They’d be lucky to get Tom Wopat.

user-of-owls July 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Nice try Josh, but I will not bite the mouth-anus bait.

I will worm no more forever.

Potater July 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

*More* ass-licking? Josh, this is Willy Boy we’re talking about. The man couldn’t get a stiffy unless he said the c-word about ten times fast.

bfstevie July 16, 2010 at 12:19 pm

Tom Cruise the only guy handsome/hateable enough to play John Edwards? You’re no casting director, Josh. How about Gary Cole? Apparently he’s been on the West Wing, so Sorkin already knows him. He played Bill Lumbergh in “Office Space”, so we know he’s capable of playing a douchebag.

V572625694 July 16, 2010 at 12:20 pm

This confluence of evil spirits (Edwards, Sorkin, “Andrew” Young) will have evil results. And everyone in the movie will be walking and talking.

thejesusandmarycheney July 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Shakespearean, eh? Does that mean there will be a scene of John nose-deep in Rielle’s “country matters”?

Fuck Toad July 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Oh, and this post is missing the mandatory “gross” tag, also.

Terry July 16, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Edwards should be played by Ron Jeremy.

germansteel July 16, 2010 at 12:23 pm

That anyone would think that there are enough ticket-buyers out there who want to see this story on the silver screen – or on DVD, two weeks after it’s inevitable one-weekend-and-done-close – serves to perfectly explain why this country is already on the ash-heap of history (we just don’t acknowlege it yet).

user-of-owls July 16, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Looks like they’ll be adding a new channel to the cable lineup:

Lifetime After Dark

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Yagh — John Edwards is the Tori Spelling of politics — annoying, pointless, stupid, involved in a long, dull, pointless, stupid affair that will not end, and attracting shoals of rich boring assholes. If we threw him overboard, like Panurge did with that sheep, would the rest follow him and rid us forever of their insufferableness? I think we should at least try.

bfstevie July 16, 2010 at 12:26 pm

[re=618848]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: [re=618850]BarackMyWorld[/re]: I salute your casting suggestions, even though they are different than my own. Perhaps that could to streaming video of the auditions on Wonkette.

One additional suggestion: Christopher Walken. Everything is better with Christopher Walken. Wow!

weejee July 16, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Will the music be by Rimsky-Korsakov? Maybe from one of his historical melodramas like The Tsar’s Bride?

Rimsky, Rimsky, Rimsky

Potater July 16, 2010 at 12:29 pm

[re=618868]bfstevie[/re]: Christopher Walken as Rielle Hunter would make one hell of a sex tape. A-OOO-GA.

dex July 16, 2010 at 12:29 pm

thanks, but i’ll wait to netflix the vh1 reality show.

El Pinche July 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

I’ll wait for the porn versions, “Johnny’s Two Americas I: Preggo Pounder” & “Johnny’s Two Americas II: Hate Fucker”

JackDempsey July 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Casting wish list aside, *whoever* plays John Edwards MUST have high profile affair with a low profile nutjob, which results in some kid who’s used as a McGuffin in the ensuing Enquirer chase.
That way, we get the whole “life imitates art imitates life imitates art” hall of mirrors.

lumpenprole July 16, 2010 at 12:35 pm

…would have lit Shakespeare up…
I tried to picture this and all I could come up with is the bard tied to a stake atop a mound of fuel. Sickos.

norbizness July 16, 2010 at 12:36 pm

This is gonna be big. PRIMARY COLORS big. And how is Sorkin, America’s most turgid political screenwriter since Gore Vidal, going to reconcile his 2 million-words-per-minute dialogue with the languid pacing inherent in the son of a Southern mill-worker?

user-of-owls July 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Leo picked a bad time to give up the bottle.

BarackMyWorld July 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Anyone who says Obama wasn’t qualified to be president and was only nominated because he was black should be reminded that John Edwards, a white man less qualified than Obama, was put on the national ticket in 2004.

FMA July 16, 2010 at 12:41 pm

Sorkin can get John Stagliano to direct, that is, if he beats that obscenity rap.

BarackMyWorld July 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Since it’s Sorkin, and I’m being serious here, it’ll probably be Rob Lowe.

Tommmcatt July 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

It had never occured to me before, but I have to admit Coriolanus would be considerably improved by three or four spontaneous outburst s of asslicking. Richard II too.

Rosie Scenario July 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Are Aaron Sorkin and Maureen Dowd still dating? She referenced him in her column recently. And she has had lots to say about Johnny E.

obfuscator July 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm

rob lowe as john edwards.

user-of-owls July 16, 2010 at 12:52 pm

[re=618887]FMA[/re]: Nice idea, but don’t forget that Roman P. has time on his hands now.
Added bonus: Whoever plays Edwards will have to learn to say, “Sweeeess Cheese.”

Prommie July 16, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Umm, who was the lick-ee, and who was the lick-er?

Long Form Def Certificate July 16, 2010 at 12:53 pm

When keepin’ it [in] Rielle goes wrong.

Radiotherapy July 16, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Chasing Amby

bakeneko July 16, 2010 at 1:03 pm

[re=618873]Potater[/re]: “And now, little man, I give the watch to you.”

dex July 16, 2010 at 1:04 pm

a man for all sleazings

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2010 at 1:09 pm

[re=618895]Prommie[/re]: It was a case of Mutually-Assed Dysfunction.

just pixels July 16, 2010 at 1:12 pm

[re=618895]Prommie[/re]: Please no one answer Prommie’s question. If I know I’ll have to gouge my eyes out in horror at the would-be vision.

just pixels July 16, 2010 at 1:15 pm

[re=618857]V572625694[/re]: And everyone in the movie will be walking and talking.

Why can’t they type blog comments and talk instead? That’s what I’m doing right now in some kind of a meeting about product safety standards or some such thing.

Dave J. July 16, 2010 at 1:18 pm

The ass-licking was the province of the Starr Report, actually.

Prommie July 16, 2010 at 1:25 pm

[re=618896]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: I see what you did there. I like that.

Prommie July 16, 2010 at 1:26 pm

[re=618915]just pixels[/re]: Ass-licking is a symptom of the most overpowering form of lust, once or twice a lifetime lust, you know. If it has never hit you before, the deep desire to eat ass, just wait, it will.

GOPCrusher July 16, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Ass-licking movies are a highly unappreciated genre. Haven’t seen a quality ass-licking movie since Stop! My Ass Is On Fire! or Vlad The Impaler.

Judas Peckerwood July 16, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Edwards will be played by Alec Baldwin in full Glengarry Glen Ross mode.

chascates July 16, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Just as long as there are also movies about Mark Sanford and John Ensign. And NO movie about David Vitter unless Will Farrell plays him.

momus July 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Fred Thompson would be perfect in the Edwards role.

jus_wonderin July 16, 2010 at 3:00 pm

[re=618918]just pixels[/re]:
Why can’t they type blog comments and talk instead? That’s what I’m doing right now in some kind of a meeting about product safety standards or some such thing.

Oh, you work for BP too!!! Hi!!!

Jim89048 July 16, 2010 at 3:46 pm

…a movie that you could take your grandmother to…

Great idea! She would’ve been 110 next month, but since she was a lifetime fan of rasslin’, I think she would like this, too.

TakingAmes July 16, 2010 at 3:52 pm

[re=618857]V572625694[/re]: Very quickly. And mocking each other good-naturedly.

Fuck Toad July 16, 2010 at 4:25 pm

[re=618859]Fuck Toad[/re]: And now Josh has remedied this, warming my cold librul heart.

Buttery1000 July 16, 2010 at 5:02 pm

This could be Mel Gibson’s way back to Hollywood.

Rotundo July 16, 2010 at 5:39 pm

[re=619300]Buttery1000[/re]: As the “stunt ass” that Tom Cruise tongues out? Probably would need a bit more hair….

Rotundo July 16, 2010 at 5:41 pm

[re=619345]Rotundo[/re]: To be believable as Rielles asshole. The bodily one as opposed to former senator Edwards.

Mad Brahms July 16, 2010 at 6:50 pm

[re=619300]Buttery1000[/re]: He’ll take the role, but first, you will blow him.

zhubajie July 16, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Doesn’t *everyone* in Congress have anilingus sex tapes?

WriteyWriterton July 16, 2010 at 7:19 pm

There’s no point in saying, “This is good news for John McCain,” as he’s right now entirely kicking the ASS of that Hayworth toad, or did I mean “licking the ass” of same, given Get-Off-My-Lawn!’s pell-mell rightward fall? Anyway, I’m not going to see this movie, if it ever appears in the multiplexes (of which, I might say, John Edwards has many in his head), because I prefer to give blood through my veins and not my eyes.

Surfeit O'Hubris July 16, 2010 at 8:34 pm

Needz moar anilingus.

ladymacbeth July 16, 2010 at 9:58 pm

john edwards will be played by edward II.

Chuckie Jesus July 17, 2010 at 11:48 am

There BETTER be asslicking. All the best Europorn has the asslicking, and that way, the main release can be semi-arthouse but still very rated R, and the obvious porn knockoffs can commence.

Us political porn enthusiasts are few and far between. I’m making my pretty please face.

I’m with Prommie: whose ass is getting licked makes all the difference. Who directs depends on whose ass is getting licked. If it’s the girl, Kevin Smith. If it’s the guy, whoever did The Chronicles Of Riddick.

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