IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:48 am July 16, 2010

Oil Leak Plugged! Keep Using All The Fossil Fuel You Want!

by Josh Fruhlinger

  • The apocalypse BEGINSBP’s futuristic space-age technobox dingus has gone nearly two whole days without leaking, or exploding, or going crazy and bursting off its mooring and burrowing further into the sea floor and opening up yet another leaky hole in the Earth’s crust, which probably means that this whole thing has been solved and you can stop caring. Huzzah! Just in time for Wonkette to launch its daily oil disaster roundup, too. Everything is fixed again, isn’t that right? Let’s confirm with a reaction from out-of-work Louisiana crabber Jeff Ussury: “It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a dead man in my opinion.” That’s … that’s not really a productive attitude to take, sir. [NYT]
  • All you unemployed hobos will probably get your precious unemployment checks back, as soon as West Virginia Governor Manchin appoints a warm Democratic body to Robert Byrd’s seat, so just hold off on getting a new job for the moment. [Fox]
  • Do you live in or near D.C., like your morning editor? Were you awake at 5 a.m., like your morning editor? Then, like your morning editor, you probably felt the extremely exciting magnitude 3.7 earthquake, then moved on with your morning, which mostly consisted of “Why am I up so early why why why”-type thoughts. [WP]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 60 comments }

Oblios Cap July 16, 2010 at 8:53 am

The earthquake was caused by Satan coming to visit his favorite henchman and receiver infant sacrifices.

Dick Cheney will roam the Earth a bit longer now.

Terry July 16, 2010 at 8:58 am

Didn’t Cheney build a subterranean lair while he was vice president? Maybe this earthquake was just him having his tunnel up toward Germantown expanded a bit.

Radiotherapy July 16, 2010 at 9:08 am

I’m texting this while driving my Hummer, listening to Jimmy Buffett. Murika, fuck yeah!

Naked Bunny with a Whip July 16, 2010 at 9:11 am

Wonder Woman will take care of the spilled oil with her invisible jet and magic lasso. She’s used to cleaning up after men.

ManchuCandidate July 16, 2010 at 9:14 am

What I learned from the unemployment benefits extension battle is that $30 billion for unemployed poors jobless slobs adds more to the deficit than $678 billion in tax cuts for the rich.

JackDempsey July 16, 2010 at 9:14 am

“It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a dead man in my opinion.”

I suppose that using a folksyism is a constitutional right in Louisiana.
Still, what’s wrong with “Closing the barn door, etc, etc.?”
Doesn’t using brand-name products diminish the whole thing?
You wanna think that this was something grandpa might have said, not Brett Easton Ellis.

just pixels July 16, 2010 at 9:15 am

Thank God that BP thing is over. For the past three months I’ve given up using the Starbuck’s drive-thru to reduce my oil consumption. I figure my demand for oil is one of the reasons BP embarked on that harebrained scheme to supply me from the earth’s molten core. So I’ve been walking all the way from the parking lot to the cute barista’s for my double mocha frapacino latte. The long walk makes me a little thirsty so I top off with some Fiji water, which is shipped in far, far from the yucky old oil. Anyway my ordeal is over. Thank you everyone for your prayers and for caring.

Dashboard_Buddha July 16, 2010 at 9:16 am

Earthquake in DC? I thought DC was built on swamp. Wouldn’t that make it an earthjiggle?

Mild Midwesterner July 16, 2010 at 9:17 am

[re=618646]Terry[/re]: Cheney’s a smart man, so he’s more apt to tunnel away from Germantown, not toward it.

JMP July 16, 2010 at 9:21 am

Now everything’s swell on the gulf coast, until the slumbering monsters the oil spill awoke arise from the ocean depths to attack the nearest cities in revenge.

lochnessmonster July 16, 2010 at 9:23 am

My most favorite quote from a poor whose been applying for jobs: “Looking for a job is like searching for unicorns.”

And the congress already has jobs and they are getting their money so those jobless/homeless people should just pipe-down already. What’s the problem if you can’t feed your kid, they can feed theirs!

Radiotherapy July 16, 2010 at 9:25 am

[re=618654]just pixels[/re]: You are a true Patriot, thank you.

lochnessmonster July 16, 2010 at 9:27 am

PS: I hope everyone in DC is okay after the quake! I just watched a segment on C-SPAN Washington Journal about how the capital buildings are all shoddy and falling apart, with electrical problems, crumbling plaster and such and they can’t afford to fix them.

Manos: Hands of Fate July 16, 2010 at 9:29 am

I felt some shaking this morning, but I assumed K-Lo had let one rip after going on a bender of KFC double-downs.

weejee July 16, 2010 at 9:35 am

Alt text – note: the apocalypse started January 30, 1941, when a pale horse with a faulty heart was born in Lincoln, NB.

Monsieur Grumpe July 16, 2010 at 9:36 am

Reid is ahead now? Maybe Batshit Crazy™ isn’t a desirable quality in Republican candidates after all.

Can O Whoopass July 16, 2010 at 9:37 am

Cheney’s secret lair is beneath Jenna Bush Hager’s house in Baltimore, below the Maryland Trauma Center, where they sort out body parts to build the next George Bush, Toga Partier.

AnnieGetYourFun July 16, 2010 at 9:39 am

[re=618665]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: That is so mean. But accurate.

FlipOffResearch July 16, 2010 at 9:44 am

Watch that 3.7 shaking be caused from Cheney having a little mishap while playing with a spare nuke in the basement.

ManchuCandidate July 16, 2010 at 9:46 am

[re=618667]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:
Haha. You’re assuming that GOPers are reflective thoughtful people who admit to mistakes.

freakishlystrong July 16, 2010 at 9:50 am

Then, like your morning editor, you probably felt the extremely exciting magnitude 3.7 earthquake
Just like Josh to brag about his BM’s. Yes, lucky YOU Josh!

Monsieur Grumpe July 16, 2010 at 9:52 am

[re=618671]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
Yeah. Silly me.

Terry July 16, 2010 at 9:54 am

[re=618655]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]:

DC is only about 1/3 former swamp (down by where the Potomac and Anacostia Rivers meet). As you head north from the Mall, the slope of the land starts to raise up fairly quickly. Called being on the fall line.

Oblios Cap July 16, 2010 at 9:56 am

[re=618660]lochnessmonster[/re]:

I hear there are plenty of jobs in other countries. Why don’t these freeloaders pack up and move. Of course, they’ll have to work on third world wages and live in squalor, but they’ll have jobs and besides, that’s the way the invisible hands slaps you.

Oblios Cap July 16, 2010 at 9:57 am

[re=618666]weejee[/re]:

You know who gave a speech on January 30, 1941?

I Heart Accuracy July 16, 2010 at 10:02 am

Wow an earthquake *whew*. Who else kicked out the whores and snorted the last of the coke?

Monsieur Grumpe July 16, 2010 at 10:04 am

You know, if you have a city built on land that is saturated with water and you vibrate that land at a certain frequency, the city could sink like K-Lo in a mud bath. Just a thought.

Katydid July 16, 2010 at 10:07 am

[re=618651]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You’re looking at it all wrong. You’re not inaccurate, but you’re looking at it all wrong. We all know in our hearts that rich people are worth more than the poors, but for gods sake, don’t say it out loud.

Chernobyl Soup July 16, 2010 at 10:09 am

[re=618654]just pixels[/re]: God bless you.

Sparky McGruff July 16, 2010 at 10:10 am

[re=618652]JackDempsey[/re]: Besides, putting band-aids on dead men (or comatose hookers) might be something that Vitter does for fun. When he runs out of diapers, he gets very creative.

Sleeves July 16, 2010 at 10:12 am
weejee July 16, 2010 at 10:13 am

[re=618676]Oblios Cap[/re]: the pale horse’s mustachioed fairy godmother Dame Holda.

Jim89048 July 16, 2010 at 10:14 am

“Do Nevadans now hate Sharron Angle even more than they hate Harry Reid?”
Tough question. In my little corner of hell here, I’ve got one hard-core Dem on one side, a vacant lot on the other, and a large extended family of Hawaiians across the road. The Hawaiians vote absentee in Hawaii, the Dem is getting old and forgets things, and the vacant lot is owned by a Paultard from Vegas. I ain’t saying the vacant lot has more sway in state politics than I and my old Dem neighbor, but things do look pretty grim out here. I must say, though, the cheezy political ads on the TeeVee are vastly more entertaining now that Angle has a little money in her warchest.

Katydid July 16, 2010 at 10:14 am

[re=618654]just pixels[/re]: The Flying Spaghetti Monster was looking out for you, but not any more.

lochnessmonster July 16, 2010 at 10:22 am

Oblios Cap:

So we can just swap illegals? Send all our jobless to Mexico and Canada?

Chernobyl Soup July 16, 2010 at 10:25 am

I can’t believe I’m about to write the following words. My fingers will probably shrivel and end up as little green stumps, detached from my hands, resting on my keyboard. But any Obamatards our there might actually enjoy (if you can get past the snide remarks) Charles Krauthammer’s column today in the WaPo.

Sparky McGruff July 16, 2010 at 10:28 am

The only reason I know about “The Villages” in Florida is that they had a series of rampant STD outbreaks there. Lots of oldsters gettin’ it on viagra style, and tradin’ STDs like baseball cards. Makes sense that they’d also want to give all their money to the orange guy.

Dredd July 16, 2010 at 10:30 am

They expected 8-9,000 psi but only got 6,700 psi … so they are not yet sure there is no breach in the well assembly.

Katydid July 16, 2010 at 10:32 am

[re=618700]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Any idea how health care reform has, “as acknowledged by Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus but few others, begun one of the most massive wealth redistributions in U.S. history?”

Unless it’s redistribution to the health insurance companies, I don’t see it.

weejee July 16, 2010 at 10:38 am

You’re trying to apply logic [re=618709]Katydid[/re]. That’s a fool’s errand in modern politics.

Dashboard_Buddha July 16, 2010 at 10:43 am

[re=618704]Sparky McGruff[/re]: Granny has the clap? Not only does grandpa have to get up a dozen times a night to pee, but it burns like hell?

Sparky McGruff July 16, 2010 at 10:44 am

[re=618704]Sparky McGruff[/re]: That was nice of me to post that in the wrong place. More caffeine, please.

Chernobyl Soup July 16, 2010 at 10:44 am

[re=618709]Katydid[/re]: Yeah, I didn’t quite get that either.

Geogre July 16, 2010 at 10:45 am

[re=618709]Katydid[/re]: In 92-3, I was working as a wage slave in a research lab in the research triangle of North Carolina. Our successful post-docs would try to do the virtuous thing and do basic research in universities, but sometimes they’d go to GlaxxoSmithKlineBeachumWellcome for four times the salary.

The “Harry and Louise” ads were playing, and the universal message from the drug companies was that they made no profits, that they were on the verge of bankruptcy, every single one. The word from the health insurance companies was that they had no profits, either. They, too, were insolvent, barely alive.

I never saw a single Lexus or BMW disappear from the parking lot of Glaxxo, from the lot at Kaiser Permanente, from any one of the booming, money dripping companies. I did, however, see them offer enormous sums for NSF funded research so they could get patents on drugs after funding just the clinical trials, and I did see every pill mysteriously cost $1.50 a dose, regardless of ingredients or complexity of process (now up to $2.25 a dose).

Finish the darn redistribution.

GuyClinch July 16, 2010 at 10:52 am

Dang it. I live in or near DC, like our morning editor, but was doing my usual 5am levitation binge this morning and couldn’t feel the quake.

norbizness July 16, 2010 at 10:52 am

I don’t think Sharon Angle’s campaign slogan “Tough Shit For You” ever really took off.

Sleeves July 16, 2010 at 10:54 am

[re=618731]Geogre[/re]: New of Molecular Entity? I don’t think they exist…

Katydid July 16, 2010 at 10:56 am

[re=618731]Geogre[/re]: What gets me livid about the drug companies is that taxpayers fund so much of the research into the drugs, but get little or none of the profits.

Barrelhse July 16, 2010 at 11:10 am

[re=618709]Katydid[/re]: The redistribution begins as The Poors die off, allowing the Pigs to amass the remaining 2% of the country’s wealth that they did not already possess.

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2010 at 11:20 am

[re=618731]Geogre[/re]: I had Kaiser as my healthcare non-providers for about a year. What was great (for them) was that I worked two hours away from where my employer was headquartered — there was not a single doctor in their plan in the area, and they wouldn’t pay for out-of-town care, and whenever you called them up to ask about whether they’d pay to go to the local Quack-in-the-Box, they’d recommend that you take an aspirin, even if you had just lost your arm in the thresher and were bleeding out. Lovely motherfuckers, Kaiser.

Mr Blifil July 16, 2010 at 11:39 am

I would have gone with “like putting a condom on Dick Cheney.” Retains that same “damage has been done” inference with the added advantage of invoking massive Dick’s massive dick, which will now kill him if it ever becomes erect again, for the simple reason that his ailing heart doesn’t have the blood to spare.

Oblios Cap July 16, 2010 at 11:43 am

[re=618697]lochnessmonster[/re]:

That’s “thinking outside the box”, you betcha! That’s the kind of solution that makes America great. However, for it to work we would have to shoot all the Mexicans and Canadians coming here for jobs. American jobs for Americans, dammit.

lochnessmonster July 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Oblios Cap:

Well, there must be jobs in Mexico and Canada that thier people won’t do so the Americans can fill them. Or on the up side, they could be working for Nike and Maytag again just across the southern boarder.

hiphophitler July 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm

3.7? Hell, out here in San Francisco we have orgasms bigger than that.

BarackMyWorld July 16, 2010 at 12:22 pm

[re=618649]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: If ever there was a job for Aquaman, this would be it.

imissopus July 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Meh, we had a 5.4 in SoCal just last week. I say to you in suburban Maryland: nut up.

user-of-owls July 16, 2010 at 12:48 pm

[re=618740]norbizness[/re]: !!! Bravo!

blinky_twinkie July 16, 2010 at 1:21 pm

[re=618777]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I had Kaiser out here in the SF Bay Area for 8 years, and while it was barely decent, it was LIGHTYEARS ahead of United Healthcare (the “healthcare” demon that rapes me regularly now). Ugh. Give me a friggin’ death panel already.

kvn July 16, 2010 at 2:11 pm

I hope you will join in our support of the victims of the 2010 DC Earthquake. Many lives were affected by this tragedy. Please join our facebook group to show your support.

ArugulaTeleprompterz July 16, 2010 at 3:36 pm

[re=618877]imissopus[/re]: There have been A LOT of earthquakes out here in SoCal this year. And now a random earthquake in non-earthquake-prone DC… What gives? Methinks Mother Nature is finally pissed off about the poking and the prodding and the slowly bleeding her dry.

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