OILY PELICANS  12:04 am July 16, 2010

It’s Our New Daily Oil Disaster Roundup!

by Garrett Quinn

  • Daily Disaster!Scantily clad Greenpeace and Earthjustice hippies are simultaneously covering themselves in chocolate and suing BP. Impressive. [New Orleans Times Picayune]
  • The new contraption on the oil well is fixed again. It is ready to drink its milkshake until it breaks again. [Houston Chronicle/New York Times]
  • Roving gangs of New Black Panthers and ACORNS vandalize BP gas stations in rural Alabama with boring slogans in funny construction-orange spray paint. [Mobile Press Register]
  • In the rare event that everything is going according to plan in the body of water formerly known as the Gulf of Mexico, there’s plenty of clear and concise information. When the shit is hitting the fan, like right now, the energy nerds at The Oil Drum deploy technical jargon and pictures edited with Paintbrush to explain exactly what the robots are doing deep in the black sea. [The Oil Drum]
  • “There are plenty of oiled babies out there.” [Biloxi Sun Herald]

Wonkette contributor Garrett Quinn has been deployed to the Gulf of Mexico to work on this incredible catastrophe. His OILY PELICANS roundups will appear here on Wonkette whenever he sends them.

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SayItWithWookies July 16, 2010 at 12:08 am

Oiled babies? Can we revoke Pope Benedict’s visa until this problem is solved?

memzilla July 16, 2010 at 12:11 am
chascates July 16, 2010 at 12:20 am

They that live by the oil shall perish by the oil.

Or lack thereof.

WhatTheHeck July 16, 2010 at 12:42 am

the body of water formerly known as The Gulf of Mexico

now known as the Gulf of Mexicoil

I Heart Accuracy July 16, 2010 at 12:47 am

Drill moratorium to page 6 in 5, 4, 3… hey Mel Gibson tapes.

Jim89048 July 16, 2010 at 12:56 am

[re=618598]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Or as Colbert says, Gulf of America, per the Pottery Barn rule; we broke it, we bought it…

sati demise July 16, 2010 at 1:14 am

Obi Wan Chu you are our only hope

Enslave the Whales July 16, 2010 at 2:03 am

The Oil Drum is quite good, but I suggest avoiding the comments. They tend to be arguments about what BP shoulda done, and while they are intelligible to the average-scientifically-educated reader, you actually have to pay pretty close attention. I am not opposed to paying attention, but paying attention to arguments about something that might have happened if things had been done differently 45 days ago is not high on my hit parade.

Second, there is virtually no snark. Or insults, also, too. Hence, little entertainment value.

Look, I’m a nerd/geek/rational person. Polite arguments about future policy are groovy, partly because sometimes you get to find out who was right. Arguments about shit that didn’t happen in the past — meh.

dijetlo July 16, 2010 at 2:33 am

Who is this Garret Quin person and where are my half naked hippies?

chascates July 16, 2010 at 3:07 am

[re=618614]dijetlo[/re]: The departure of Jim Newell has freed up tens of thousands for salaries. Breitbart will find a mighty competitor in Ken Layne.

Herman the German July 16, 2010 at 4:10 am

Shouldn’t it be “the Gulf of Mexico formerly known as a body of water”?

trondant July 16, 2010 at 4:40 am

Breitbart will find a mighty competitor in Ken Layne.

Nude Light Crude-oiled Greco-Roman wrestling on PPV? Awesome. But let’s handicap the competitors first.

Breitbart (totally an alias; he’s really the love child of Manson and Beetlejuice, and his real name starts with Ia!) has spent the past decade or so cramming chicken eggs between Drudge’s buttocks, then letting that yolky goodness run down his chin and neck as the Eggman flexes his muscles.

Layne, on the other hand, has prepared well. For years, Newell (the Kato to his Clouseau) wrestled him, naked and oiled, over disputes involving matters large and small, such as who pays for that round of Scotch, who pays for the locksmith after being locked out of the apartment, who pays for their son Riley’s braces, and so on. To his credit, Ken usually came out on top, except when he got behind on his aroma-therapy.

So, I say twenty bucks on Layne – LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Bearbloke July 16, 2010 at 5:03 am

Instead of a “Our New Daily Oil Disaster Roundup”, can we have a “Thrice-Hourly Dick-Cheney-Dead-Or-Live update”? I want to know when to pop the cork on the bubbly… HELL AWAITS, CHENEY!

Oblios Cap July 16, 2010 at 8:35 am


The rumblings this AM in DC were the result of Cheney invoking his Dark Lord and sacrificing infants in order be allowed to roam the Earth a while longer.

Johnny Zhivago July 16, 2010 at 8:36 am

I hear BP is training an army of monkeys to scuba dive and put the finishing touches on that oil well…

Johnny Zhivago July 16, 2010 at 8:38 am

[re=618621]Herman the German[/re]: Correct, from now on it’s officially a Body of Oil.

Gunner July 16, 2010 at 8:38 am

and DC had an earthquake!

weejee July 16, 2010 at 9:26 am

At least teh birds and turtles won’t get sunburned.

Mr Blifil July 16, 2010 at 11:35 am

I switched to water based lubricants ages ago so my petroleum footprint is now strictly limited to the belching of my gasoline-burning auto engine, which I use less than the average Exurban mom who ferries her kids back and forth on errands all fucking day because they need to live in a place where the odds of seeing a brown person (except when they tend garden or replace the pool filter) is as low as is statistically possible. Hmm…I seem to have lost my train of thought.

GOPCrusher July 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm

[re=618623]Bearbloke[/re]: Cheney reminds me of a boss that I had that was of poor health and an incredible asshole. He once told me that he had a dream where he died and everyone at his funeral laughed.
To this day, I still don’t believe he understands the symbolism. If the rotten bastard still lives.

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