Remember when America’s invasion of Afghanistan was our Fun War? We were all like, “Well, usually I am not digging on war too much, plus I am a Democrat or whatever and still crying about Bush v. Gore, but those Talibans did do 9/11 maybe, or Saudi Arabia we guess, not really sure at all, but whatever they got the Taliban over there and we’re gonna liberate their wimmins!” And then the next ten years happened … SORRY, we mean, “and then a decade later this Barack Obama character started a war in Afghanistan for no reason.” Anyway, now some Chinese news website is reporting that the Taliban have these gun monkeys.
From Discovery News:
The report indicates the Taliban was inspired by none other than the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, which it claims used peanuts and bananas to train “monkey soldiers” in Vietnam. This information was, in turn, attributed to a “British media” report from last month.
The story ends by saying, “A senior U.S. military source confirmed the existence of the Taliban monkey soldiers, military experts call armed monkeys ‘monkey terrorists.’”
And it turns out this was Stanley McChrystal’s thing, defeating these small-cell extremist monkey insurgencies, but then he went and blabbed to Rolling Stone about how Joe Biden and Barack Obama are a couple of nancy boys, and now we’ve got a full-scale monkey uprising. [Discovery News/People's Daily Online]
{ 107 comments }
Agent Orang.
If I were a gun monkey, I would be very afraid of General
McChrystalPetraeus.There are monkeys in Afghanistan? I knew India had problems with monkeys vandalizing government offices and scattering the papers in the filing cabinets.
Not a single joke about monkeys waging (ahem) guerilla warfare?
Monkey terrorists = gorilla warfare 2.0
[re=618475]memzilla[/re]: damn. i knew i had only seconds…
Get your gunsight off me, you damned dirty ape!
[re=618475]memzilla[/re]: Well, clearly not since gorillas are apes not monkeys!
/crickets
//very pedantic crickets
Ok, so they have primates with guns. We have dolphins with underwater mines.
If only we can get these to face off somewhere we can have a Japanese game show.
I’m sorry, but monkeys holding human tools of any kind doing anything at all for anyone is awesome.
Can Neilist enlighten us on what caliber weapon is best suited for these dogfaces?
[re=618475]memzilla[/re]: Doesn’t *anybody* read the headline kicker?
Give those monkeys some Xanax and they will stop throwing poop and will eat your face and hands off. Terrorist monkeys, indeed.
The only way to even this out is to get us some frikkin sharks with frikkin lazer beams.
So here it goes, a suicidal attempt to bring the whole Palin hookworm issue to an ignominious close. From the beginning, the only goal was to see if it was possible to ‘breed’ a loopy meme that owed provenance only to Wonkette. Foolish, in retrospect, as it entailed posting on this bird’s part that was relentless and admittedly annoying. For that, my humble apologies. It was, nonetheless, fun and gratifying to see others take up the cause and put the Palin Hookworm Conjecture into outlets such as The Hill, TPM and our friends at Red State. Now it ends, lest someone else takes up the banner. I pledge here and now, no more by me.
If any of you care to make a last salute to the cause, say ye:
I AM VERMICUS!
Dieter: “Would you like to touch my monkey?”
Hans: “Yah.”
Monkey: “Not today.” [gunfire]. [more gunfire].
[re=618484]Ken Layne[/re]: Day of the
DolphinMonkey.Better?
[re=618480]WhatTheHeck[/re]: /And then a guy with a monkey avatar beets me to my fish joke/
[re=618484]Ken Layne[/re]: We oldz are easily distractimicated by teh larger bold print below the headline kicker. Why does Wonket hate the sight-challenged and not run a Braille website?
Today we are all gun toting monkey terrorists….IF ONLY!
[re=618474]zhubajie[/re]: Yes, Rhesus monkeys. But I’d be surprised if they are big enough to operate human-sized guns. They weigh about as much as large cats.
The ultimate blame goes to Lancelot Link.
It pisses me off that my idea was stolen by those fucking Taliban. But my plan was to arm the monkeys of Africa with 9mm pistols to shoot back at Big White Hunters and impoverished black poachers bagging tigers and rhinos to provide China with more erections, which China’s one billion plus people need so much more than anything else.
That was my plan to save the world and it’s been perverted.
OT, but they seem to have staunched the flow of oil from the leak in the Gulf. So maybe all life on earth won’t end within the next two years.
This is such a perversion of the monkey’s normal purpose, which is to be dressed in adorable little bonnets and photographed for the fronts of greeting cards.
Go on, laugh. That’s right, laugh it up, porn0-loving hippies. But, when a UHF TV signal is broadcast from Kandahar prompting zoo monkeys across the USA open fire on small children and retirees, you will need more than Ernest J. Pagels, Jr.’s urine stream to put out the fire.
[re=618497]V572625694[/re]:
“maybe all life on earth won’t end within the next two years.”
Not to worry. I’m sure we will find another way to make that happen.
[re=618484]Ken Layne[/re]: It’s just like email!
[re=618497]V572625694[/re]: Perhaps, but Helium says BP may have started some giant methane bubble thingy, and Earth fart if you will, that is poised to toast Bamasissippi & the Cajun bayous much worse than when Sherman was doing his thing in Georgia.
Peer-reviewed, perhaps not so much, but some of the quoted do have what appears reasonable credentials.
Great, next Sneezing Panda and Dramatic Chipmunk are gonna be fighting with the Taliban.
WHAT ABOUT THE CUTNESS GAP?!?!?!
CIA my ass. This is what happens when you mix hashish and a Marx Bros movie. Someone send them “Duck Soup” pronto.
[re=618484]Ken Layne[/re]: Che weeps over this monkeying around with the hallowed role of the guerilla.
I’ll worry when the monkeys with Uzis cross the border. Hopefully Arizona is being vigilant and will ask them for their papers. Or maybe not, since they will blend right in with the NRA, Anycrazy State Militia and what nots (I learned about the “what not” from reading all about Bristol Palin’s planned future SEX talk with lil Trucker or whatever that kids name is). And you know that border up north is lax, so we’ll probably be over run with Canadian monkey terrorists.
Oh well. Who doesn’t love monkeys?
The Taliban may have a monkey army, but we have an army of flying monkeys, currently deployed to the Land of Oz. Also, we have the Monkees who were engineered to combat the British Invasion back in the 60s, but could be retrofitted for today’s conflict. Don’t forget the A(pe) Team.
So Taliban, I say to you: “Bring It On”.
[re=618484]Ken Layne[/re]: [re=618505]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: Perhaps they should blink element. (It’s true, if memzilla misses, game’s gone wrong…)
Damn, this blows the cover completely off Xe’s plans for an all-Lemur mercenary army.
[re=618511]just pixels[/re]: Flying monkey, my ass, but yes we have deployed incendiary BAT BOMBS as early as WW-II.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bat_bomb
[re=618483]WhatTheHeck[/re]: “Can Neilist enlighten us on what caliber weapon is best suited for these dogfaces?”
You called?
:::A-Hem:::
Back in the early 1960s — in other words, when the Vietnam War was still “Fun” — Remco came out with a line of toy military guns and related small arms under the name of . . .
(. . . Wait For It! . . .)
“MONKEY DIVISION”:
“In 1963, young boys, in their never-ending battle against whomever, called and Remco answered with the Monkey Division line of stylish weaponry and accessories including 2 different bazookas and a mortar. Look at all this stuff!
# Monkey Gun – Pistol, Tommy Gun and Grenade Launcher
# Monkey Pistol – different than above
# 2-Way Wrist Radios – another way for Remco to use up its unending supply of radio boards
# Helmet with Movable Visor – comes with mock built in radio and antenna
# Jungle Mortar with Pillbox Target – lob 4 shells at a cardboard pillbox
# Long Range Bazooka – lob 3 rockets at a cardboard pillbox
# Short Range Bazooka – shoots 2 rockets 20 ft
# Jungle Combat Patrol Outfit – (Here we go!) Bazooka, Helmet, Mess Kit, WaLkie Talkies and Canteen
# Mess Kit
# Walkie-Talkies
There were many generic military toys made in the ’60s, (even Mattel and Marx made weapons and accessories for small soldiers) but the Monkey Division line is among the most sought after by toy collectors today.”
http://www.bigredtoybox.com/cgi-bin/toynfo.pl?monkeydivindex
The Bazooka was pretty cool: The rocket was soft plastic, but if you shot it from close enough, at your little sister’s face, she would start crying.
Good times. Good times.
:::Sigh:::
You know, Vietnam fucked up EVERYTHING!
Neilist
Fondling His Memories & Drinking Heavily
[re=618487]user-of-owls[/re]: Too late, sir.
Coming soon to iTunes:the first album from Palin Hookworm Conjecture. Be the first to download!
Dr. Zaius is a Muslin?
Anyone who has ever been to India / Pakistan knows just how pissy and mean those fucking macaques* are. They don’t even need guns; they have teeth, bad tempers, and diseases that can cross species easily and fuck up your shit. Unfortunately for the Taliban, they appear to be playing for a different team:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7860114.stm
* The monkeys, not the people. Sorry, George Allen.
[re=618511]just pixels[/re]: Because, sir, this is America. And if they get flying monkeys, we will get flying, fire-breathing monkeys!
Don’t you know they’ve got to shock the monkey?
I hate to throw a monkey wrench into this whole insurgent thing, but the Taliban screwed up badly when they failed to give the monkeys AK-47’s with the optional banana clips. They disappeared upriver and now take orders only from an Afghani named Kurtz.
You Liberal Commie Pinko SCUM think I’m bad? Check out “Chuck”:
http://www.realitytv.it/video/X-iop5R1HmQ/Early-60-s-Remco-Monkey-Division-Motorized-Gun-with-Dart.html
Eurasia has ALWAYS been at war with monkeys.
Even Islam isn’t immune to the corrosive influence of moe anime.
Thanks a fucking lot Japan.
Excuse me? Bren guns? Not effing likely!
Glenn Beck predicted this.
It’s all in the Overton Winder.
Do not tease the Monkey.
[re=618523]WhatTheHeck[/re]:
“I’ve seen the devil of violence, and the devil of greed, and the devil of hot desire; but, by all the stars! these were strong, lusty, red-eyed devils, that swayed and drove macAques — MACAQUES, I tell you. But as I stood on this hillside, I foresaw that in the blinding sunshine of that land I would become acquainted with a flabby, pretending, weak-eyed devil of a rapacious and pitiless folly.”
“Heart of Monkness,” by Joseph Conrad
(Original Polish title: “Hey, Hey, We’re The Monkees!”)
(Vietnam fucked up EVERYTHING. ::::Sniff::::)
“I feel the monkey in your soul.” Donald Fagan & Walter Becker
BTW, they plugged the hole….
[re=618532]Butterscotch Stalin[/re]: Well, the original BREN did have a banana magazine. It only got the straight magazine when they converted it to 7.62 mm NATO.
(I knew you wanted that detail.)
(Vietnam fucked up ever . . . .Oh, never mind.)
[re=618487]user-of-owls[/re]: That will teach you, dumbfuck.
Wide stance! Also! Needz Moar! Guns! Yay!
You may NOT deny these monkeys their 2nd Amendment RIGHTS, you Hitler/Stalin/Obmamaists!!!
I hope Tea Party leader Mark WIlliams isn’t planning a trip to A’stan anytime soon. I wouldn’t want my Monkey-God to bust a cap in his ass.
[re=618514]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: And don’t forget the guidance package! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Pigeon
[re=618536]Neilist[/re]: An RPD, RPK, or PK LMG would be a lot more likely don’t you think? Since they share the same round as the AK?
Ya know, I’ve never quite trusted that fucking organ grinder down on the corner, either.
Wait Planet of the Apes waz da realz??? Don’t they know Charlton Heston is dead?? Oh lordy lord who will help us?
When they run out of ammo they just fling poo.
Also: someone at The Awl has been trying to get a meme started about The Great Primate Wars of 2012. I guess he got his wish.
Dear Lard, Rachel has finally gotten around to Tim James…
When a SITCOM loses popularity they always bring in a monkey. The Tabilan…Muslimistans, or whatever, are just trying to make this war not JUMP THE SHARK.
[re=618541]Butterscotch Stalin[/re]: For some weird reason, this reminds me of the old joke:
Q. What’s the difference between the United States Marine Corps and the Boy Scouts of America?
A. The Boys Scouts have adult leadership.
[re=618512]Sleeves[/re]: We’ll do it once the New York Times tests it for a few months.
They could be in Venezuela right now, learning Spanish.
At least we don’t have to worry about armed Sea Monkeys in the Gulf, thanks to BP.
[re=618487]user-of-owls[/re]: Fun while it lated though.
[re=618481]Tommmcatt[/re]: No shit. Recently, the airline I work for began serving bananas as a snack in first class. This is not a joke!
“Banana, sir?”
Wait, I thought DOD was planning for wars to be fought with robots! I gues that went by the wayside when DOD learned that the robots are fully employed assembling cars. So, monkeys, sure, makes sense to me, does it to you?
[re=618553]Ken Layne[/re]: When she goes blingee, icanhazcheezburger will be one step closer to journalism. Watch out Ben Smith!!
[re=618552]Neilist[/re]: I love that joke! (former jarhead Chernobyl Soup)
Are they trained to assemble and plant IEDs? ‘Cos then they’d be Blow Monkeys!
Thank you, I’ll be here until the guy with the hook finishes his cigarette!
ALLAH, THE MAGNIFICENT, HIS NAME LIKE HONEY ON OUR TONGUES, AS BESPOKE THE PROPHET IN PERFECTION,THE Q’RAN, HAIL THE PIXIES, THE ROCK SALT OF THE EARTH, LO’, BEHOLD, THOSE WHO SLAYETH THE INFIDEL, 17 VIRGIN RED BABOONS AWAIT THEIR TRIUMPHANT ARRIVAL, THIS MONKEE’S GONE TO HEAVEN.
It won’t be long until some monkey starts playing with himself and the Taliban either slaughter the lot of them or sell them as sex slaves.
[re=618552]Neilist[/re]: Neilist, o guru of guns, a while back I asked you this question but then I couldn’t remember what thread it was in so I don’t know if you answered: In Utu http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086497/
when Te Wheke was shot by his own guys was it a Springfield .45-70? I inherited one and I thought I saw its cousin.
I can’t google or hyper-diaper-link to it right now, but if I’m not mistaken, Will Ferrell did a whole bit about crossbow or bazooka wielding Alabaman attack monkeys or some such shit in his George Bush splatter porn impersonation peepshow performance a few months back.
It was HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS.
Infinite gun monkey theorem=Hamlet ends in monkey gun spray and poopy typewriters
[re=618562]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “Come Missa Taliban, tally me banana…”
If you haven’t already done so, you should put a banana peel on your penis sometime and offer it to one of your first class passengers as an extra-special “snack”.
They will laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh, how they will laugh!
Heh heh — people fell for this story? Come on — a monkey’s not dumb enough to die for something that doesn’t exist. People and dogs, yes — not animals that are capable of intelligence, though.
These monkeys would be of greater use to humanity if they sat down in front of a computer, banged on the keyboard for a while and came up with an intelligent speech for Sarah Palin.
[re=618552]Neilist[/re]: Good god, man. Thank you for lengthy replies. I clicked on the clicky only to discover the toy guns you spoke of. This truly ain’t no foolin around.
[re=618484]Ken Layne[/re]: You do know that you are commenting on Wonkette. Reading is not required. Noob.
We’ve always been at war with Eastasian Monkeys.
http://tinyurl.com/25curyl
@Country Club Jihadi is right, this is all just blowback from Lancelot Link’s dirty dealings in the 60′s to fund the program against CHUMP.
Do you really think the Evolution Revolution played clean?
http://tinyurl.com/2f4yvuf
Mata Hairy herself was deeply involved in persuading the local Warlords into opening the Khyber Pass to Lance’s caravans. DEEPLY involved.
[re=618524]Neilist[/re]: I can’t quite decide which is funnier: you knew these Monkey gun toys existed and posted a video link about it, or that I watched the whole video.
I just used to throw Jarts at my little sister.
Who knew Cheetah was a Killah?
[re=618484]Ken Layne[/re]: Bigger font, brighter color. We r monkeyz reeding ur blogz.
[re=618580]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: Zombie, the short answer is I don’t know, because I haven’t seen the film. (My mother is Australian, and those kind of “Fuck The Natives” movies depress the hell out of me. Particular stories involving the Maori, who seemed to have picked up the Bad Habits of both the White and Native cultures in terms of waging genocidal wars.)
That said, historically the rifle could have been a Springfield — although the timing would be very, very close. The .45-70 round was not developed in the US until 1873, which is slightly after, or at the same time as, the Maori Wars of the early 1870s. Initially, the only rifle that could fire it was the Trapdoor Springfield. But the rifle would have to get from the Springfield factory in the Eastern U.S. over to “Down Under” pretty darn quickly.
[The .45-70 has very problematic ballistics. It was described -- by no less authority than Hemingingway, in one of the "Up In Michigan" stories, as having an "arch like a rainbow." At extreme range (900-1000 yards) the bullet is coming down at about a 35-40 degree angle, almost like an artillery shell. I tried out a Sharps chambered in .45-70 one day: It was weird having to aim about 6' over the target.)
[re=618594]BigWhiteCloud[/re]: I used to hang/lynch my sister’s Barbie Dolls. (I know: Once an ASSHOLE, always an ASSHOLE. Take it as read.)
[re=618569]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: No offense, Soup. We used to say similar things about the “Air Cav,” i.e., “Quality of Command hasn’t changed all that much since Col. Custer, eh what?”
[re=618589]WhatTheHeck[/re]: As any good Lie-brul will tell you: Toy Guns Are Evil. (Better to buy your child the Real Thing.)
I’d like to be frightened of the AK wielding Chimpanzees, I would my fellow Wonketeers, but honestly, I’m just too freaked out by the new and improved Cyborg Dick Cheny. Somebody needs to give Liz a handful of dead batteries and point out that the inheritance tax has nowhere to go by up…tick tock, tick tock Sweety….
We must fight the monkey terrorists over there so we don’t have to fight them over here. Duh
[re=618494]the problem child[/re]: Some offices, according to BBC, get larger langur monkeys, to frighten off the Rhesuses.
[re=618496]Dolmance[/re]: No tigers in Africa. Erectile dysfunction will be treated with farmed or artificial tiger penis, I’m sure. (I have seen Tibetan gypsies selling bits of tiger flesh to all comers.)
Zhu Bajie
I note that the story comes from the People’s Daily, not the most reliable newspaper in the world.
Probably what has happened is that McChrystal(meth-head) has judged ordinary Afghans to be monkeys, not fellow human beings. Hence, killing them is OK (although raping them would be bestiality). In other words, just like Viet Nam again.
“Right turn, Clyde!”
And these are the same Chinese that a few years ago believed an Onion news story that Congress refused to work until they had a new Capital building, so I’ll believe them implicitly.
[re=618487]user-of-owls[/re]:
Oh well. It was worth a try.
Palin hookworms. Also.
I, for one, welcome our new monkey warlords.
The monkeys are not going to be happy with the Taliban rules. No fornicating is going to be an issue.
How long before one of these unprivileged belligerents gets enhanced-interrogated?
(The Bush Gang just got a big, collective woody: “There is nothing in the Geneva Convention about monkeys. We can do anything we want with these guys….”)
[re=618496]Dolmance[/re]: But my plan was to arm the monkeys of Africa with 9mm pistols to shoot back at Big White Hunters and impoverished black poachers bagging tigers
Your plan was doomed to fail — tigers don’t live in Africa.
[re=618495]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: Thank you so much for that reference this morning. Win!
You don’t know the whole story until you’ve seen the crack Chinese reporting…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntn3QRn4_Iw
[re=618580]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: Probably a Snider conversion (haven’t seen the film). Like the original trapdoor Springfield of 1865 for the U.S., (before the 1873 purpose-made model that Neilist is talking about), the Snider was a way for the British army to turn old muzzle-loading rifle muskets into metallic-cartridge-firing, breechloaders.
The Snider and the 1865 trapdoor fired different .58-caliber rounds, but they look very much alike; the rifles they were converted from were both used in the American Civil War. The Springfield’s trapdoor breech is hinged on the front, while the Snider’s is on the side.
Don’t appreciate The Monkees tease, Wonk! I’ve been waiting for Micky Dolenz to take over for some time now.
I AM HOMUNCULUS!!!
This violence was inevitable — how long could the poor monkeys go before they either got tired of typing or ran out of paper?
Now that all of Reagan is dead, not just his brain, who will co-star in “Bonzo Makes a Pilgrimage to Mecca”?
If you are giving a monkey flying lessons, because his trainer Abdullah says he’s going to do it in the circus, you need to call the FBI pronto.
War on Afghanistan was a big mistake on part of the America as it has entangled itself in a never ending war against terrorism. Afghanistan has become another Vietnam for America.
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