eww gross yuck eww

State Department Gave 4,500 Sex Offenders Passports In 2008, Because That’s an Important Thing To Know

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GET YER HANDS OFF, HILLARYThe Governmental Accountability Office has released a STARTLING report saying that our previously unperverse State Department gave out 4,500 passports to registered sex offenders back in 2008. How has Hillary Clinton not already been put in stocks and branded with a scarlet letter for this? Oh wait, passports are sort of a right for U.S. citizens regardless of how Polanski they have been.

The study, requested by Sens. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) and Max Baucus (D-Mont.), stipulates that the State Department does not have the authority to deny passports to the majority of sex offenders.

WHAT? You don’t say. Good thing the taxpayers spent money to find that out. And good thing the taxpayers spent money to let the voters of Iowa and Montana know that their senators don’t love people doing illegal and/or perverted sex stuff.

Surely Congress will now pass a law against any sex offenders receiving a passport, as any time a legislator thinks of a right a sex offender has, they must immediately write up a bill to take it away, as that’s the voting public’s favorite thing, being deathly afraid of sex offenders. (Sex offenses are worse than murder also.)

But, perhaps, if you think about it, wouldn’t it be better to let sex offenders do their sex offenses abroad, if it is true that all convicted sex offenders who have served their time in jail do an average of ten sex offenses per minute? Denying them passports would only increase the rape of American citizens here at home. PUT AMERICA FIRST, LEGISLATORS. But that would maybe mean the U.S. would stop claiming jurisdiction over what happens in other countries, and we can’t have that.

About half of the passport recipients lived California, Texas, Florida, New York, and Michigan – border states with the some of the country’s largest populations.

That sounds like sex offenders in border states are traveling to Canada and Mexico sometimes. Disgusting!

The GAO report does not detail whether the issuance of passports to sex offenders in 2008 aided them in their committing sex offenses abroad. But their investigations did find several instances in which the passport recipients traveled to a country known for sex tourism.

Wow, 4,500 passports issued, and every single person didn’t go to Luxembourg?

Well, maybe voters won’t be fed more sex offender red meat (EWW!) about this particular sex offender issue. It turns out the GAO just really likes messing with the cosmopolitan elitists at the State Department and making it look bad:

Last year, in a separate study, the GAO found that the State Department’s passport issuance system was severely lacking and that it had obtained four fraudulent U.S. passports using documents of dead or fictitious people.

Sponsored Intermission

Ya burnt, State! [The Hill]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • GOPCrusher

    They are going to pull the passports of certain members of the Senate?

  • Prommie

    Real ‘Murcans don’t need no passports nohow. Its no surprise all the passports go to pervert commies.

  • Neilist

    That picture: One is a badly dressed, obnoxious dwarf that caterwauls idiotic phrases about narco-terrorists.

    The other is a charming little man-child dressed in an adorable “charo” outfit.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Wasn’t Condi Sec State in 2008?

  • Chernobyl Soup

    I don’t have any proof but since I’m a journalist I have no reason to doubt my findings: I reckon about 90% of sex offenders are 18-19 year old boys who got caught diddling their 15-16 legit girlfriends and daddy got pissed and pressed charges. That said, young Jack, some sex offenses are worse than murder.

  • JMP

    Good job with the fearmongering, Senators! Do you have a breakdown for how many passports were issued to sex offenders traveling to Vatican City?

    The nice (by which I mean terrible) thing about this kind of hysteria, as with the various “Meghan’s laws,” is that “sex offender” is such a vague category which has a definition that varies from state to state; it can cover anything from actual child rapists to an eighteen year old who had a sixteen year old girlfriend.

  • user-of-owls

    Wait for it…

  • populucious

    Coming up on Foxxxxx: State Department Does Something It Is Legally Obligated To Do!

  • snoidoid

    [re=618386]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Why are you calling Condi a sex offender? Why can’t you leave her alone? You’re lucky she even performed for you bastards.

  • harry palmer

    Florida’s a border state? Is Talibama foreign because judge Roy Bean enforces Sharia law and has the tablets Mohammed got from Allah in front of the courthouse? Beuler?

  • actor212

    If sex offenders were denied passports, then Rush Limbaugh would have to import Dominican boys.

  • Ren McCormack

    “ten sex offenses per minute” shall be the name of my next/first novel.

  • weejee

    [re=618389]JMP[/re]: Or someone taking a leak in west Tejas – indecent exposure to armadillos.

  • harry palmer

    [re=618399]Ren McCormack[/re]: Oh it’s fiction. Roight …

  • Crankenstank

    Talk about missing the forest for the trees. Surely the obvious influx of pedophiles from Mexico and Canada is the next reasoned bit of speculative information to be injected into the already civil immigration debate. By contrast, it would seem that exporting one’s perverts would be a good way to get rid of them.

  • Humpback

    I do not remember that box on the passport form: Sex offender? (Please specify perversion of choice.)

  • JMP

    [re=618402]weejee[/re]: Hm, is indecent exposure due to public urination a sex offense in Wisconsin?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Last year, in a separate study, the GAO found that the State Department’s passport issuance system was severely lacking and that it had obtained four fraudulent U.S. passports using documents of dead or fictitious people.

    So it’s not that big a deal — most of those 4500 sex offenders are probably dead or fictitious too. Way to blow things out of proportion, GAO.

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=618407]JMP[/re]: That would qualify everyone outside of Camp Randall Stadium after a Wisconsin football game.

  • Ducksworthy

    Would that mean Neil Bush can’t go to Thailand to fuk children anymore?


  • ernestine123

    Funny except hillary didnt become secretary of state till 2009

  • weejee

    Don’t know ’bout that. However, in West Tejas there was one county that returned a ton of indecent exposure arrests for simply peeing on the prickly pears. Guess there wasn’t enough tourist traffic to make speed traps a local cash cow, so they used pee traps.

    Son have you ever been arrested for anything other than a minor traffic offense?
    And what was that for may I ask?
    Indecent exposure
    Yessir. I was arrest for peeing on some prickly pear in Armadillobutt County, Texas.
    Taking a leak off the side of the road?
    Yessir, about 11:00 at night
    How close was the nearest public restroom?
    About 70 miles
    Here’s yer passport

  • harry palmer

    [re=618419]ernestine123[/re]: Yes but I heard on Joe Scumborough it was really Madeleine Albright’s fault.

  • anonymousryan

    What does Florida border exactly? Are these pedophiles fucking underage fish?!!?!

  • Neilist

    Off Topic: BP’s Cap Is HOLDING! Let the DRILLING BEGIN!!!!!!!

  • weejee

    [re=618386]ManchuCandidate[/re]: [re=618419]ernestine123[/re]: [re=618425]harry palmer[/re]:

    Sad but true on the who was in office when question. But then only a libtard would ask that kinda questions.

    Yesterday was Sue Myrick ranting about Hezbollah crossing the boarder in 2005 and 2006. Doesn’t really matter that at those moments in time the Rs controlled the WH and both Congressional corpses, bodies, whatever. The d-rats are in control now, so it obviously is their fault.

  • mumblyjoe

    About half of the passport recipients lived California, Texas, Florida, New York, and Michigan – border states with the some of the country’s largest populations.

    You know, I didn’t actually read anything in the linked article, but suddenly I’m terrified, and want to start deporting Mexicans, and to keep deporting them until I feel safe again.

  • BarackMyWorld

    [re=618386]ManchuCandidate[/re]: BUT WHO CONTROLED TEH COGNRESS????

  • Suds McKenzie

    They should really remove that “Sex Tourism” tab from Travelocity.

  • Midway117

    So more sex offenders live in states with larger populations? And they get passports. Brilliant. Just imagine what the GAO staff was muttering under their collective breath when they were typing up this crap.

  • dijetlo

    [re=618417]Ducksworthy[/re]: Now, don’t jump to conclusions…Americans travel to Thailand to fuck the grown people too, it’s not always child prostitution, sometimes it’s Lady-boys or auto-asphyxiation. That said, Bangcock is aptly named, it appears to the place for tourists looking to get their kink on.(No wonder the wife never lets me go there)

  • Malketeer

    I blame Jimmy Carter.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=618435]BarackMyWorld[/re]: In 08? DHS, why?

  • Radiotherapy

    We’ve already had the Flying Nun, Now we can have the Flying Priests

  • dex

    this news is enough to make a hard man humble.

  • Enslave the Whales

    California, Texas, Florida, New York, and Michigan collectively have 37% of the total population of the United States. I’m sure glad we spent tax monies to uncover the incredible statistical anomaly that “about half” of subset of passports were issued in those states.

    Gosh, I wonder what percentage of all passports are issued to those five states.

    NO, NO, GSA, I don’t mean do another fucking study.

  • zhubajie

    Note that you can visit Canada, Mexico, other neighboring lands, without a passport. Thanks to GW Bush, you need the passport to RETURN to the US.

  • sati demise

    So, Rush Limbaugh is finally on someones list!

  • just pixels

    I’m not sure what kind of sexytime fun you can have with a passport. Except “Border crossing strip search” game. And don’t forget “You’re in Arizona now Missy” role play. Just remembered, “Cavity search” which involves…. Oh my, I totally need to get a passport.

  • Aurelio

    Just remembered, “Cavity search” which involves….…wriggling around in excrement.\
    (Just finishing your sentence for ya.)

  • imissopus

    [re=618429]anonymousryan[/re]: Cornholing Nemo?

  • Aurelio

    Sex offenses are worse than murder also. That is the prevailing view everywhere except inside the Catholic Church, whose leadership wonders what the fuck everyone is so pissed off about.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Jack, as pointed out by [re=618386]ManchuCandidate[/re], famed pedophile and Bush lover (really the same thing), Condoleezza Rice was the one who gave out all those passports. Probably all to Flaming Eagles, or whatever they call the big donors.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    “Going to Luxembourg”, eh?

    So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.

  • Sleeves

    “I would pass a law…” to require that all U.S , in sit, be restricted to travel abroad on British papers.

  • Mad Brahms

    Yawn, sex offenders, the lowest-of-the-low… hanging fruit, that is, for opportunistic politicians. Half of them are probably 20-somethings who got caught bangin’ a teenager, of course, but hey… JUSTICE NEVER SLEEPS, so why not put a, err, scarlet letter on their passports, so only Pedostania will let them in, or something? Or amend the constitution with to allow us to punish sex offenders by death, instantly, because who would say no to that? Besides the gays, maybe, who know they’re probably next.

  • Lazy Media

    [re=618386]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Jesus, I couldn’t remember who Bush’s Secretary of State was. Tells you something about her, don’t it? If it weren’t for Princess Sparkle Pony, nobody would EVER have known who she was.

  • Mr Blifil

    When the planet killing asteroid closes in on the big blue marble, we’ll all be raping the person nearest us on an average of 4/hour, so really the sex offenders are merely at the leading edge of a trend which is sure to go global some day.

  • Sleeves

    [re=618519]Sleeves[/re]: …all U.S Congresspersons. Fuck you, vim.

  • WarAndG

    did this tally include Levi Johnston, honorary sex offender (slapped his adult thighs against a Govenor’s daughter’s underage buttocks don’t ya know)

  • Chernobyl Soup

    [re=618453]dex[/re]: Dear Sir/Madam: I do hope you are one of those who check, even hours later, for responses to your comments. Bravo. Bravo. Hard man humble. Chess. Bangkok. Indeed.

  • slappypaddy

    there’s a registered sex offender living across the street from me. he’s been convicted twice in ten years for having an unseemly affection for small children. he doesn’t know what he’s doing out of the slammer and neither do i, so i’m helping him get a passport so he can go to arizona, where there’s plenty of small children in the state legislature. kill two birds, you know.

  • Surfeit O’Hubris

    Sure, but how many of those 4,500 were Republican office-holders?


    [re=618388]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: I don’t think this happens that much- not 90% Yes, it does happen (what was that case- Louisiana?) But most states have these provisions about statuary rape/consent/partners being within 5 yrs….I read. Almost everyone in the freaking world has been 18 and had a 15 yr old girlfriend– I did– her dad actually made jokes about statutory rape to me, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t legally possible. My bet is it’s 10% of nationwide cases- and that is all in like 10 states.

    PS: give them passports (duh), but notify the police in the country they are going to. Is that crazy?

  • Extemporanus

    Jack, for some reason I really, really liked this post, and wrote a pithy little comment attempting to explain why, but I accidentally let my penis touch the screen of my iPad before I could finish or hit “send”, and I think it may have gotten eated. (The comment, that is, not my penis.)

    Anyhoo, you are literally the John Mark Karr of Wonkette word-touchers — keep up the good work!

  • Obamas Left Testicle

    What a *funny* topic…this place is a laff riot.

  • Geogre

    Bush’s Cheney and Rummie were at war with State from 2000 on, so let’s keep that in mind for lingering items on the “Things to Do” list from the departing administration.

    You know what might be interesting? Visas. Visas granted to sex offenders. That would be a really awesome statistic.

    You know, I hear we allow sex offenders to go to grocery stores… right where we keep our women and children!

  • dex

    [re=618559]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: ;)

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=618610]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: I agree – gross wastes of taxpayer money are serious, unfunny business.

    Go away, troll.

  • DangerousLiberal

    [re=618455]Enslave the Whales[/re]: Win. It’s obvious by looking at this that this amazing statistic is utterly meaningless.

    Also, Florida borders on Cuba and Haiti–two hotbeds of underage sex tourism. Unless FL is near that wormhole that goes directly to Thailand. Is the Weekly World News on this story?