Mitt Romney Wins Some Sort of Fundraising Contest the Washington Post Set Up

  president of the olympics of money

Anything for Money PartyMitt Romney raised more money for his PAC than any of the other supposed Republican candidates for president in the 2012 election, so congrats, Mittens, you are the new leader of the free world. Romney came up with $1.8 million of other people’s money, beating “second place” Sarah Palin by a million dollars or so. Mike Huckabee came up with only $258,000 for his Fat PAC, so he will lose, if you are keeping score like the Washington Post is. Everyone who is running for president in 2012 is unemployed right now and has nothing better to do than raise money for a political action committee may or may not ever spend it, but this is where the election will be won, apparently. Nothing else matters. So President MaoBaMao should resign and swear in Mitt Romney immediately.

If there’s anything we know about presidential elections, it’s that whoever the media says will run for president three years before the election WILL RUN and whoever seems to be winning three years out will win their party’s nomination. So this is a very, very useful exercise. It is difficult turning a job that comes up for election only every four years into a perpetual campaign, but if somebody can do it, it’s the media.

And why is is that this long before an election the media always focuses mainly on politicians who ran for their party’s nomination last time around? THEY ARE SMART, THAT IS WHY.

Meanwhile, why the fuck would somebody donate to Mitt Romney? There is a guy who is starved for cash and definitely won’t pump his own money into things. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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