president of the olympics of money

Mitt Romney Wins Some Sort of Fundraising Contest the Washington Post Set Up

Anything for Money PartyMitt Romney raised more money for his PAC than any of the other supposed Republican candidates for president in the 2012 election, so congrats, Mittens, you are the new leader of the free world. Romney came up with $1.8 million of other people’s money, beating “second place” Sarah Palin by a million dollars or so. Mike Huckabee came up with only $258,000 for his Fat PAC, so he will lose, if you are keeping score like the Washington Post is. Everyone who is running for president in 2012 is unemployed right now and has nothing better to do than raise money for a political action committee may or may not ever spend it, but this is where the election will be won, apparently. Nothing else matters. So President MaoBaMao should resign and swear in Mitt Romney immediately.

If there’s anything we know about presidential elections, it’s that whoever the media says will run for president three years before the election WILL RUN and whoever seems to be winning three years out will win their party’s nomination. So this is a very, very useful exercise. It is difficult turning a job that comes up for election only every four years into a perpetual campaign, but if somebody can do it, it’s the media.

And why is is that this long before an election the media always focuses mainly on politicians who ran for their party’s nomination last time around? THEY ARE SMART, THAT IS WHY.

Meanwhile, why the fuck would somebody donate to Mitt Romney? There is a guy who is starved for cash and definitely won’t pump his own money into things. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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50 comments

  1. SayItWithWookies

    How did John McCain do? And will he be running as a maverick or as a conservative? I’m so looking forward to the clusterfuck that will be the race for the GOP nomination.

  2. Rosie Scenario

    [re=618261]Limeylizzie[/re]: I agree. The diabolical expression, the splayed gloved fingers, plus “Fudge.” Photo perfection, yes. Presidential potential, no.

  3. marioninnyc

    I didn’t even read the article. Everytime I see that picture I just break out in gigges! I feel twelve!

  4. JMP

    He’s making a lot from two groups that just love to donate to politicians and reactionary political causes, his fellow Mormons (who are probably getting orders from the pulpit to do so, just like with proposition 8) and dog torture aficionados (I’ve heard Michael Vick has already maxed out).

  5. marioninnyc

    Not that it’s not perfection, but could someone please make a blingee and add in Justin?

  6. Extemporanus

    That $1.8 million figure becomes even more impressive when you picture it in the form of approximately 90,000 penny-filled canvas totebags.

  7. Cicada

    All right, Wonkette, I surrender. I’ve been beaten into submission. I made that damn picture my wallpaper. Are you happy now? ARE YOU?!?!?

  8. sati demise

    And every single cent of his donations were from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.
    Mormons only give money to members of the cult.

  9. Ducksworthy

    [re=618282]JMP[/re]: I want to see this photo widely circulated among the Latter Day Saints. It’s a widely known fact that Mormons are strongly opposed to fudgepacking. But yes, I’m sure the church has ordered the faithful to fork over the coin. Its part of the Mormon Plan for World Domination (MPWD). A nuclear armed Mormon church. Take that Islam.

    Also, there is an excellent documentary about the MPWD called Plan 10 from Outer Space, no relation to Ed Wood but starring Karen Black where we learn that some early church fathers accused Brigham Young of being an interplanetary alien intent on impregnating as many earth women as possible as part of the MPWD.

  10. JMP

    [re=618282]JMP[/re]: OK, that smiley was not supposed to be there, in fact I would never use a smiley, they are annoying; it was 8 then ).

  11. user-of-owls

    [re=618278]Extemporanus[/re]: Dude. Don’t try to carry a meme here. Trust me, it will only end in tears.

    PalinHookwormConjecturePAC

  12. actor212

    People are giving to Mitt because he raised funds by promising investors to double their value in gold and to send them heritage seeds.

  13. Limeylizzie

    [re=618277]Rosie Scenario[/re]: [re=618281]marioninnyc[/re]: [re=618291]Cicada[/re]: This one and the fantastic McCain eye-rolling gif. just make me scream with laughter no matter how many times I see them.

  14. user-of-owls

    [re=618306]Ducksworthy[/re]: Ducksworthy? Hmmm, curious that the same handle shows up in proximity to google searches that combine former VP candidates and a particular species of parasite. Coincidence, I’m sure.

  15. JDBishop5

    If one looks very closely, one can see the protective underwear sticking out of his collar, and the name of his next planet on his wrist band.

  16. Lucidamente

    [re=618320]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: And don’t forget all the excitement for Fred Thompson.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    [re=618320]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: And you know Liz Cheney would be his VP — and oddly enough, 2013 would mark the 10th anniversary of the Iraq invasion…

  18. 13ollocks To The Rules

    He’s like a nightmare crazed gynecologist – “Doctor Mitt at your cervixservice..”

  19. user-of-owls

    [re=618318]Radiotherapy[/re]: Valiant friend, the end is near. Doomed by the fickle fates, though heartened by the gains that t’were made, the campaign is slated to die. Look all ye who’ve struggled to boost a humble and homegrown morphology, the Palin hookworm issue, from the bowels of our dear Wonkette into the Great Panjundrum of meme-tics and thus onward to the world. Ye hopes are dashed, ye dreams ruint. In a subsequent post, to be hijack’d by me, I shall carry the banner of a campaign noble but lost to a flaming denouement. Know, ye, that I fully accept the risk of the hammer of Thor which bans the rabble rousing. Know too, that I bear the risk fully and without regret. Bear in mind, though, my fellows: First, they came for the Wormers, and I said nothing.

  20. weejee

    [re=618306]Ducksworthy[/re]: [re=618318]Radiotherapy[/re]: Don’t the blessed bloomers make that difficult?

  21. weejee

    [re=618344]user-of-owls[/re]: Don’t be dissuaded by their trichery. They are ascarid. Keep your sword swinging and platy their helminthes. Be strong oh feathered friend, be strong! The worm shall yet turn.

  22. legalize everything

    [re=618278]Extemporanus[/re]: Haha, I love you and your dynamic pedobear avatar

  23. rocktonsammy

    Mittens should Hire Bristol Palin’s P.R. firm to do his pr-ing.

    Couldn’t hurt.

  24. Jack Stuef

    [re=618275]Extemporanus[/re]: Kicking myself. It was right in front of me.

    [re=618311]user-of-owls[/re]: I need a login to teamsarah.org to crack this thing open, but they won’t approve my registration.

  25. Radiotherapy

    [re=618330]Ducksworthy[/re]: Could be good vibrio-ations.

    [re=618344]user-of-owls[/re]: My sharp-eyed, feathery friend. When the snows started to fall in Stalingrad, and the krauts had taken every square foot of rubble, did not the NKVD put rifles into the heads of Mother Russia’s Boys and make the proud German VIth Army eat their shoes??
    Did Blondi run away when adolph pulled out his pistol?
    In Khe Sahn, the VC had tunneled like parasitic nematodes with inches of the perimeter, only to be turned away by the bravery of the US Marine Corp and B-52′s dropping bombs from 8 miles up on those same tunnels. Hell, when a dying cancer patient has a malignancy raging thru their bodies, can’t we give them one more dose of high-dose neutron beams?
    But, as some battles are long in siege, some disease is intractable.
    So, too, you have taken the point in this noble battle with the horde of stupidity. Who, who else here withstood a f ull frontal ass ault Blamhammer (or whatever they called it) from the Reds?
    Who, who else challenged our Wonkette overlords to stand up to the entire FrankenMediaStein that has created and kept alive Patient Zero?
    They may try to silence the messenger, but the meme shall live forever.
    Oh, how prescient this post will be.
    Anywho, perch strong, and wash your hands a lot.
    Radios

  26. qaf

    As far as I can recall, and that’s back to Muskie in seventy-ought-two, the front-runner for the Democratic nomination lines up thousands of endorsements from mainstream Democrats starting years ahead of time — and doesn’t get the nomination. That’s why I knew HRC wouldn’t get it last time.

    [re=618278]Extemporanus[/re]: That oughta be the name of the Log Cabin Republicans’ PAC.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    IF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WERE HELD TODAY….it’d be really confusing because they’re only supposed to be every four years and are usually in November.

  28. ThePuckStopsHere

    [re=618311]user-of-owls[/re]: User: You are doing great. It was only a few days agfo that most of us even became aware of the Palin Hookworm Conjecture and it’s already taking on Kennedy assassination-like hushed undertones! This is some of the finest conjecture I have ever known. Google it if you don’t believe me.

  29. user-of-owls

    [re=618500]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: So kind, thank you. And I will google it, just to see.

  30. Extemporanus

    [re=618311]user-of-owls[/re]: No meme intended, you wriggling ruminant — simply tryin’ to help [re=618409]a brotha[/re] out with a gay ass butt joke.

    [re=618383]legalize everything[/re]: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?! My avatar isn’t a Pedobear — it’s the tip of Emmanuel Lewis’ cock.

  31. BarackMyWorld

    [re=618422]qaf[/re]: That’s true most of the time going back to 1968, although 2000 was an exception. The Republicans tend to nominate the runner-up from a recent previous contest, with 2000 being the except there as well. Proving once again: the 2000 election was just all kinds of fucked up.

  32. Obamas Left Testicle

    If Palin announced, she would have $60M tomorrow. She is a fundraising machine.

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