show some respect you friggin' fossil

Centenarian Rejects Obama Birthday Note

Thanks to the Centenarian Fairy (a government employee), when old people in America make it to 100 they get a birthday card from the White House. And sometimes a foot massage from Al Roker. But mostly just the nice embossed card signed by whichever president’s Autopen is currently in office. Southern California desert resident Jack Taylor is celebrating his own 100th birthday today, and he already threw Nobama’s dumb card in the garbage.

The Hi-Desert Star reports in strange remedial English aimed at soothing the elderly white rural population it serves:

A letter from the White House came, congratulating Taylor on his 100th birthday. Without any malice, just a candid truthfulness, Taylor stated he threw the letter away.

“I don’t like the guy,” Taylor said with a slight chuckle. There was perhaps just a hint of apology in his tone of voice, but not too much. Like Dragnet’s Joe Friday, Taylor is a “just the facts” pragmatist.

Related video

Yeah. What?

Taylor, who was already 46 when the Civil Rights Act was passed in 1964, is maybe just tired of apologizing. [Hi-Desert Star]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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94 comments

  1. Baby who ate the Dingo

    I am stunned. I will die on my 99th and 364th day birthday to avoid Al Roker touching, my feet. Who does he think he is, some South Carolinian Assistant Governor person?

  2. SpenceRedux

    The olds just aren’t gonna get over this black President thing, except by death of course.

  3. Polisurgist

    The real question is: why is the President sending out ANY 100-year birthday cards when he promised us the Death Panels would liquidate all citizens over the age of 60?

  4. slappypaddy

    the hi-desert story asserts facts not in evidence. “perhaps” and “hint” are not sufficiently pragmatic.

  5. Mpls Dave

    Also “I’ll say this: Believe that Christ shed his blood for our sins.”

    A religious cuckoo too, Praise, Jebus!

  6. x111e7thst

    Being really old does not prevent you from becoming a fuckwad. Under certain circumstances it may even be a contributing factor.

  7. germansteel

    Back in that old fucks day you didn’t have to worry about how people like Obama were going to vote and you sure as hell didn’t have to stomach the notion they could be elected to so much as dog catcher. Good times, those.

  8. Radiotherapy

    He’s more pissed off that he can’t get involved with this whole teabagging thing.

    Sent from my Jitterbug @11:57

  9. JMP

    This and the last post give me great hope for 2012, since most of the ordinary folks who really hate Obama will be dead by then.

  10. JMP

    [re=617955]4tehlulz[/re]: He doesn’t want the government interfering with his medicare, I’m sure.

  11. just pixels

    Did anyone think to check that guy’s birth certificate? And just FYI: I already know it’s a fake. He was born in northern Mexico to a drug mule mother and Hezbollah father. Then raised by Elvis impersonators in Vegas. (They were way ahead of their time.) Suffice to say, Yusef bin Taylor is obviously a muslin. NO BIRTHDAY CARD FOR YOU!

  12. slappypaddy

    [re=617947]Potater[/re]: …and this is news because we are a nation of shallow, insipid children being jerked around by other shallow, insipid children, none of whom have any capacity to perceive what is important, nor any ability to evaluate the world in which they find themselves becoming more and more the denizens of a nursery of squalling angry babies. the bland are misleading the bland in the endless circle jerk celebrated every day in the vile village of the damned. business as usual in the land of the fee and the home of the knave.

  13. Chernobyl Soup

    It’s a proven fact that whenever one is recognized in print or on air for reaching a ripe old age, one dies shortly thereafter. I reckon this geezer will die of complications of being 100 years old by Labor Day.

  14. Potater

    “A simpler time.”

    I get so sick of this phrase, as if all the problems that he have today (rampant poverty, social tension, racial injustice) are newfangled issues that simply popped up out of nowhere like the first acne on a 13-year-old’s face. Just because the olds were too culturally deaf to hear the voices of the rest of the non-white, non-straight, and non-American populations does not mean times were “simpler.” Unless by simpler you mean “ignorant,” in which case you may have something.

    “Taylor probably didn’t change much expect for growing older”
    I’ve read and re-read this sentence thrice and have yet to know what the cotton-picking fuck it’s talking about.

  15. Prommie

    Well, I am sure the old geezer has good reasons, like the socialisms, and freedoms, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Obama is half-white.

  16. Humpback

    Makes me wonder if the “reporter” was visiting his grandmother or something when he saw the old fart toss mail into the trash can and said, “What’s up, old-timer?”

  17. jus_wonderin

    My God. Geezy old turdtard. I bet that made his day in that “I get to complain and gripe and bitch about something [as if I didn't all the freakin' day anyway]” way.

    I’d love to roll it tightly into a cylinder, load it into a potato gun and launch it up his wrinkly irregular buttocks.

  18. An American in Toronto

    “Taylor’s speech and mannerisms are straightforward and uncomplicated, perhaps a throwback to a simpler time. Taylor probably didn’t change much expect for growing older. The rest of the world just got more complex.”

    What the Hector Elizondo is this?? Listen, as a person with lady parts, I’m sorry I have the right to wear pants, have a job and vote without my husband’s input, but you need to get over it.

    Is there some secret program out there that will lobotomize me when I get older and turn me into someone like this waste of dust?

  19. WarAndG

    It’s a card from the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, not so much from Obama. Why do you hate the troops?

    Do you really think Barry gives a fogshizzle about your crusty old ass that has spent twenty times as much socialism security and medicare than you put in to the system. Without SOCIALISM YOU’D BE DEAD ALREADY.

    Too late for death panels in the health bill?

  20. V572625694

    [re=617978]facehead[/re]: Or how about a three-point shoot-out?

    [re=617971]Potater[/re]: Exactly. Older times were simpler because the only Blacks most white people saw were obsequious dining-car waiters and shoeshine “boys.” And the damn Ay-rabs didn’t exist. And gas was 25 cents a gallon. Good times!

  21. actor212

    Clearly, this man will be the rising star of the Republican party, like Joe The Plumber, Jack the Cranky Old Bigot will enjoy his fifteen minutes of fame, and then a grant from Richard Mellon Scaife.

  22. V572625694

    And did anyone note that this guy is a neighbor of Ken’s, in Yuck-a Valley, CA? It might even be Ken, pulling a meta-prank.

  23. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Dammit, I thought it wuz my Die-beetus supplies, not some “card” from that piccaninny in Dee See…

  24. comicbookguy

    [re=617945]rafflesinc[/re]: So he threw away his birthday present from one of his grandkids, out of spite against a black President? Classic.

    Also, why did he spend 100 years concealing his long form birf certificat?

  25. MissyLissa

    My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and so, of course, my brother and I take a great deal of enjoyment in fucking around with her. It’s like “Kids say the darndest things” but with an old lady. You know, we will ask her what word rhymes with Duck and she’ll say “Fuck”. Or I’ll be watching Project Runway with her and she’ll just keep saying “I think one of those guys is a queer” (and it’s funny because she thinks just one of the guys are gay).

    When Obama became President I took delight in telling her, whenever he was on TV, that he was the President. She’d get all shocked and confused and start saying that she couldn’t believe that a (whisper) Negro (/whisper) was in charge.

    That lasted for about a month. Now, whenever she sees a black person anywhere she yells out, “There goes the President”.

    In a related story, I’m sort of an asshole.

  26. Gregoire

    Well, I know where a future pint of my freshly produced urine will one day go — ON THE SURFACE OF YOUR GRAVE, YOU LIMEY OLD UNAMERICAN MOTHERFUCKER.

  27. Limeylizzie

    [re=617999]MissyLissa[/re]:She sounds excellent and I would love to see her in my neighbourhood yelling ” There goes the President” as I live in Harlem.

  28. Prommie

    [re=617990]Katydid[/re]: Hey, whoa, come on now, she is way way over the rule of “half your age plus seven.”

  29. JMP

    [re=617971]Potater[/re]: Well of course the days when he grew up were a simpler time. You know why? Because he was a kid. When you’re a child, you don’t have to pay much attention to what’s going on in the world, few responsibilities, adults who take care of all your needs, and tons of free time.

    Many of the olds look back at how much simpler things seemed, but don’t realize it’s their personal circumstances, not the world, that made things simpler back then.

  30. chaste everywhere

    [re=617971]Potater[/re]: The “reporter” meant to write “accept for growing older.”
    Meanwhile: in “simpler times” we weren’t more innocent (whatever the shitbucket that could possibly mean) but we were probably better at faking innocence–or more desperate to fake it. Noawtimes innocence may still be one of the Three Great Stimulants* but some of us have caught on that it was always a crock.
    * Joni M, 1985

    Double Meanwhile: consider where he “lives”: It’s hotter than Heater in Hooker and hotter than Heater in Hellmouth, and all that stuff.

  31. LittlePig

    [re=618014]JMP[/re]: Many of the olds look back at how much simpler things seemed, but don’t realize it’s their personal circumstances, not the world, that made things simpler back then

    This. Which is why a misunderstood yearning for childhood is taking us back to the 11th Century.

  32. sezme

    [re=618013]Prommie[/re]: Cool, when I turn 90, I can cradle-rob me a sweet young 52-year-old, and the half plus seven rule can’t say a damn thing!

  33. Sparky McGruff

    [re=617970]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: That’s because once your name is in print, the death panels know how to find you.

  34. iwillsavethispatient

    Seriously, how do you expect Obama to get anything done if he also has to do all the touchy-feely head-of-state crap as well as all the running-the-country crap. Writing 100th Birthday cards is the Queen’s job. Sorting out the economy is a politician’s job.

    BRING BACK THE MONARCHY!

  35. Surfeit O'Hubris

    [re=617971]Potater[/re]: ““Taylor probably didn’t change much expect (+except?) for growing older”

    I’m sure it just means he was a repulsive bigot 50 or 70 or 80 years ago, too.

    I am getting pretty sick and disgusted with Dumbass America’s long collective freak-out over the president’s melanin quotient. MissyLisa’s Alzheimer’s-stricken grandmother seems to be dealing with it better than a distressingly great many.

  36. Mr Blifil

    In the guys defense, the article did not examine the possibility of Obama personally handling the note as he signed it, and therefore perhaps conferring Nigra Cooties on the recipient. It’s just pragmatism.

  37. Mr Blifil

    [re=618000]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Pretty sure that’s Newell. His new assignment has not been kind to him now that he can no longer sleep until 3 PM with impunity.

  38. x111e7thst

    [re=617999]MissyLissa[/re]: You are. But in the best possible way. My hat is off to you and I will be stealing some of your ideas.

  39. Malketeer

    So what’s the over/under for the number of lifetime orgasms / number of cats drowned in a bucket for the comely photo lass?

  40. galloping gael

    “Jimmy Biggerstaff”? Gotta be a pen name.
    @Lauri Apple: Check yr math, please.

  41. nappyduggs

    [re=617956]Radiotherapy[/re]: [re=617981]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=617999]MissyLissa[/re]: [
    In my head, I am currently buying you people at least three rounds of drinkies.

    re=618011]Limeylizzie[/re]:
    When I lived in Harlem a few years ago, there was a lady from Raygun’s old guard (aka, a crackhead) who would swear that every portly white male real estate agent who came down the block was Bill Clinton, and offer to give him a hummer. Memories….

  42. GOPCrusher

    Jack Taylor is still trying to figure out why they took the “Whites Only” sign down at the local diner.

  43. Lascauxcaveman

    Hmmm… my sister was just griping aloud about having her 44th B-day. I’m gonna see if I can get one of these sent to her, since she’s pretty conservative and prolly doesn’t care much for this half-muslin, fetus-killing machine of a preznit we have.

    I’ll have to fudge on the birth date, of course.

  44. Limeylizzie

    [re=618105]nappyduggs[/re]: Harlem is nothing but a world of fun, esp. if you are a Caucasian who is not actively moth-bitten and skanky-looking, I have a “gentleman’ admirer who regularly offers to pay me if I will let him suck my manicured feet.

  45. teebob2000

    [re=617942]Polisurgist[/re]: That provision of the bill doesn’t kick in until 2011.

  46. teebob2000

    [re=617987]WarAndG:[/re] “Too late for death panels in the health bill?”

    Oh, it’s in there my friend. It’s in there.

  47. natteringnabomb

    Here’s a guy sucking on the government teat for 35 years acting all teabaggy seeesh.More proof that only the good die young.

  48. Georgia Burning

    If the reporter is so nostalgic for “simpler times” in Yucca Valley, shut off his air conditioning for a week.

  49. teebob2000

    [re=618013]Prommie[/re]: Shit. I always thought it was first digit of your age, plus seven.

  50. Renee Shouldbestudying

    I read article on this page, I read the linked article, and I can’t find any racist comments by birthday dude. Just because he doesn’t like the president doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t like him for racist reasons. The only thing racist added was the comment at the end of the article on this page, but the actual old guy didn’t say much of anything.

  51. teebob2000

    [re=618319]Renee Shouldbestudying[/re]: Errrr… “simpler” times said by an old means what to you, exactly? You don’t get from that yonder back when the coloreds and Chinamen and all those “other ones” — not to mention ladies — knew their place?

    You must be under 30.

  52. Prommie

    [re=618105]nappyduggs[/re]: I have had people approach me and accuse me of being Bill Clinton, this makes me think, I do deserve to be blown, should I hie me thither, for the mistaken-identity blowing action?

  53. nappyduggs

    [re=618121]Limeylizzie[/re]:
    Ahh, yes- the forthright streetcorner romantic/nasty fetishist. Another fine uptown feature.

    [re=618377]Prommie[/re]: I say that if the person doing the offering looks like someon that the rea, Bill might actually TURN DOWN, well, g’on and get your knob slobbed. Bill’s tastes seem unduly influenced by his philanthropic worldview; thus he be facebangin’ mutts. As a mere presidential doppleganger, you could just get serviced by regular gals and not feel the need to maybe let a randy old crackhead have a go at it, for social redemption.

  54. comicbookguy

    Does this guy live in America? That makes him “National”
    Does he collect social security? Then he’s also “Socialist”
    Did he work all his life? So he’s among the “Workers”
    And now it’s a birthday “Party”

    Put those together and what do you get…?

  55. Bubberella

    Never had no schoolin

    Never left the farm

    Never had a thing to show but the muscle in his arm

    The world was just a little more than he could understand

    Your daddy was a steel headed man.

  56. finallyhappy

    Hell, no – now is the simpler time- because I am retired and I have air conditioning and antibiotics and Trader Joes.

  57. ImBarb

    Whoah! Who’s the babe, holding the cherry Kool-Aid pack? I think that now Bristol has ditched the “hymen-huggers” for that sweet, sweet “legally married” meat that this woman would be the perfect spokes-twat. There is no doubt in my mind that she’s never seen a wiener that didn’t take the best efforts of the Energizer Bunny. I doubt there is a “battery-powered rubber dork” disclosure section of the application, right?

    Have you hugged a decrepit old virgin today?

  58. just pixels

    [re=617999]MissyLissa[/re]: I too have my suspicions about the young men on Project Runway. Since they all sleep in the same barracks-like room, this show is giving us sneak peak at our future homer-sexual tainted army. Instead of fighting the terroristas, the soldiers will be basting a hemline and pleating a pinch waist. Unless the Taliban makes some kind of blunder — like using a monkey army — we’ll be helpless, though quite well-dressed, when they impose their rigid theocracy upon us.

  59. MsCaballoVerde

    Eh, it’s just a Peter Griffin vs. Giant Chicken kind of thing — the vid’s on YouTube somewhere. They start fighting in Nacogdoches, & by the time they finish their shenanigans they’ve destroyed three gypsum mines, fourteen Priuses, a dynamite factory, Matt Hardigree’s hairdo, four Republican wide-stance social clubs, and Pluto’s moon Hydra.

  60. Continuum

    After proudly proclaiming his anti-socialist spirit as he threw away the card, he quickly cashed his social security check and told Obama to keep the government out of his medicare.

    Meanwhile, somewhere a 40 year old guy with 4 kids has lost his job and unemployment benefits, and his family is now living in his car.

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