Iraq/Katrina/Florida Recount hero Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. The beloved 69-year-old former vice president now has a “ventricular assist device” — or a dual-battery heart pump — implanted in his abdomen with motors churning the blood through his otherwise dead heart. The pumps “were once used only to keep patients alive until they could obtain a transplant,” but they’re beginning to be installed to simply drag out the congestive heart failure for up to two years. Oh and don’t cry because Cheney will still be able to play golf, with this robot ooze pump jammed into his chest and batteries dangling under his armpits. Or, as Alex Pareene writes in his Salon headline, “Dick Cheney’s heart goes just as America learns to love him again.” You know, because the Politico says fewer Americans despise Dick Cheney today, because hey he’s not so bad compared to that Robert Gibbs! [USA Today/Radio Free Europe/Salon]- Nancy Pelosi is so steamed about Robert Gibbs saying Democrats are in danger of losing the House that she’s pretending she doesn’t know who he is. Uh, but aren’t Democrats in danger of losing the House? And if that is true — it’s true, as any party facing a midterm during a Depression is going to need to work hard to keep its House majority — shouldn’t maybe Nancy Pelosi be doing something about it, rather than acting like the insane Queen of Hearts in Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland? [New York Post/Politico]
- Conservatives are super scared that “half white prince” Barack Obama’s Department of Justice won’t protect America’s most beleaguered minority, white voters, in the next election. [Washington Post]
Dick Cheney, America’s Only Hero, Much Closer To Heroic Death
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{ 98 comments }
That which is already dead cannot die.
I hope they install the batteries backwards. Ooops!
hey wonkette when you going to post some snark on this hit and run
http://abovethelaw.com/2010/07/finally-an-elena-kagan-scandal-a-hit-and-run-car-accident/#comments
Eventually, they’ll just replace the failing physical body with a cyborg body. When that happens, run!!! Short of a nookular bomb, no one can stop Mecha-Dick.
Great. It’s gonna take weeks for the surgeons to get the sulfur smell out of the operating room. Thanks for nothing, Obamacare!
if you wanna barf read the “tributes” on HuffPo — obviously there is some lame effort afoot to make liberals seem “caring” about Cheney as some sort of quasi-counterprotest for when Ted Kennedy or some other liberal icon dies and the right-wing Freeper nutjobs are gloating & foaming at the mouth of how Jesus is torturing them in hell etc.
Is it possible to modify my organ donor card so that it prevents Cheney from getting my heart?
If I see a black person at the primaries, can I send a video to Breitbart? I’ve got Audacity, the program, so I’m pretty sure I can dub in some scary talk from Eldridge Cleaver and top it with Darth Vader sound effects, so it sounds just like I’m being threatened, and then I can put in some “Perils of Pauline” tracks for the white women.
He’ll accept it, right?
Dick Cheney needs no heart, as he lives on in all of ours.
Remember, Dick…”Death is only the beginning.”
[re=617766]carlgt1[/re]: I have no tribute to offer.
We can all find a patient at a nearby medical center undergoing elaborate heart surgery and post that story.
Cheney’s surgeries are scary, and he is in the slow motion death that congestive heart failure brings. It’s terrible. No one is happy for any death, but for the wickedness to stop. Were he to have retired in 2008 and to cease to try to work for evil, then the ending of his life would be a personal tragedy, but when he makes it clear that only the loss of his life will stop his working constantly to propagate torture, tyranny, and spying, it puts people into a moral dilemma.
[re=617767]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: No worries. Cheney’s blood has empathy anti-bodies so it can only accept organs from the likes of Rand Paul, Clarence Thomas, and Fox News anchors.
Not since “Arbeit Macht Frei” have seemingly innocuous words oozed with horror and tragedy: “We have the technology, we can rebuild him…….”
The pumps “were once used only to keep patients alive until they could obtain a transplant,”
Jason Statham can give The Dick some pointers on how to keep them pump batteries charged.
Alt. Text. Phail.
i can safely say, that to know dick cheney, was to love dick cheney. and to love him, was to know him. those who knew him, loved him. while those who did not know him, loved him from afar.
[re=617764]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
We’ll have to build a Mecha-Godzilla. It’s mankind’s only hope.
Dick Cheney, America’s human/Prius hybrid. He has no pulse so you don’t hear that distinctive tha-thumb, tha-thump, tha-thumb, just a boring hummmmm, and you have to plug him in at night.
I just know the next thing is some poor injured Afghan War soldier at Walter Reed is going to “take a turn for the worse” and lo and behold, his heart is a match for Desperate Dying Dick. Fox News will actually play up the patriotism angle.
[re=617764]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Robo-Dick?
Can’t they just replace Dick’s heart with a pig’s? Who could tell the difference?
[re=617773]Geogre[/re]: As Dylan said, 47 years ago!
“Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul
“And I hope that you die
And your death’ll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I’ll stand o’er your grave
’Til I’m sure that you’re dead
Masters of War
I sure hope this setback doesn’t cause him to miss Bristol and Levi Palin’s royal wedding…
it might be his last chance to get hookworms.
[re=617766]carlgt1[/re]: HuffPo can’t handle it. I was banned from commenting because I posted something rather funny, thinking I was at The Wonkette. I believe I was trying to tell some little right-wing bitch why people less fortunate than she is don’t deserve to be kicked for it.
Anyway, godspeed, Mr. Cheney. Please take Liz along.
Lucky for Dick his new parts are not self-aware or else they’d decide it’s best to stop working. Or better yet, explode.
Oh it’s so hard to comment on this turn of events isn’t it? I don’t wish him ill, nor would I wish death on him, but he is such a fucking cunt that I am in a moral quandrary.
Even if he died now it wouldn’t take. They still haven’t found all the horcruxes.
As Salon points out, the big Dick is up in the polls ’cause the Politico has been fucking his chicken like crazy.
Ahem on
Speaking of Politico, Ken. Thought that you promised you were gonna cut back on the Politico stinky linkies? Those that click those clickies get Politico snot all over our cursors that takes hours to clean off.
/Ahem
[re=617777]TheGryphon[/re]: What’s wrong with it? It’s what Obi Wan told Luke about Anakin/Vader in RotJ.
So the right-wing folks decide to start pushing the bullshit voter intimidation story, and of course the Post decides to dutifully recount their smears. How have people not realized that the Post has become the non-tabloid print version of Fox News?
[re=617760]mostly corn[/re]: The only way to permanently destroy Cheney is to destroy both his body and the phylactery which houses his soul before he can possess a new body.
[re=617773]Geogre[/re]: Normally, yes, it’s wrong to to be happy for death; but there are a few people so monstrous that it’s OK to do so. Think about Tim McVeigh, Slobodon Milosevic, or any number of serial killers. Dick Cheney is one of those people.
The problem is, this could actually make Dick even more insufferable than before, if possible. Dick could ride this sympathy wave for his LVAD stright to a GOP call for invading Iran just to let the old beast die happy.
[re=617798]Tcaalaw[/re]: Think he’s referring to the way Ken got the quote slightly wrong, with one word in the wrong spot. And yes, I noticed right away.
His followers have decided to strap him to that Segway, because as everyone knows, you can’t fall down on one of those. And if you can’t fall down, how will anyone know you’re dead?
Awwww….the poor man.
Please gawd keep this evil shitsack’s mechanical heart beating until January of next year so that his hoarded wealth will not pass untaxed to his equally evil heirs.
[re=617786]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: Oh, yes. “Masters of War” is absolutely on a 24 hour loop.
I actually think that it should apply more to Rummy and Feith and Wolfowitz than Darth Cheney, personally, as his song has to be much, much darker, much more about torture and sadism. The “chicken hawks,” whom Dylan once confused with Macnamarra, are the ones who “never done nothin’” and send the others to war. Dick, though, was the main man for “torture is good, and mutilation is fine, and Geneva is an inconvenience.” I actually can’t think of a song nasty enough for him.
Stop cock teasing death, Dick.
[re=617801]JMP[/re]: I know. I actually feel the same way, but I feel like I’m on the verge of doing a TEA Party thing: “He’s making me wish he were dead!”
I don’t want to share anything with those clowns. In this case, he has been unhumbled by evidence, by law, by consensus, by national will, by his president, by the courts, by the legislature, by the Christian faith he claims sometimes, and there seems nothing left. I will be happy when he ceases.
Future warning: Alert: Some people will want a state funeral, with coffin going all sorts of places, bands, gun salutes, undisclosed guest lists, and national days of mourning. Trust me: some people will push for a National Day of Remembrance, if not a holiday and an airport.
Today is a good day to die.
Haven’t cried like this since Lee Atwater.
[re=617764]ManchuCandidate[/re]: What? So long as we have Robert Smith of the Cure, Sidney Poitier, and Leonard Maltin, I’m sure they will be able to defeat him.
“The dark side, much like a strong, addictive narcotic, affected not only the mind of the user but the appearance as well. As one immersed themselves deeper within the dark side of the Force, its malevolent power would take a toll on the body… While the dark side could destroy a body, it was also capable of sustaining one. The hateful, passionate, determined energies of the dark side were so powerful that it could prevent death for a body that was far past the point of death for a normal being.”
“Though they were in an almost constant state of war, their civilization was quite sophisticated; they saw these acts not as cruel or barbaric, but simply basic aspects of existence… Their constant warring led to a dwindling of the population on their original homeworld of Korriban as well as cultivated an intensely xenophobic society.”
/geek-out for the month from Wookieepedia
I’m in no moral quandary at all. I cheer on death’s fleet wings, and hope they quickly overtake and devour the evil bag of shit. He had no heart for anyone, he is the champion of heartless conservatism, I got mine conservatism, fuck the poor, fuck the weak, fuck the less fortunate conservatism. And now he needs something money cannot buy. Fuck him, it would be a crime to give him a heart and deny some other human being who never lied a country into war and caused hundreds of thousands of deaths and untold misery. Everyone should get out their organ donor card, and just write on it “No Heart for Cheney” and just sign beneath it, that should work.
It’s in very poor taste to make fun of a long-time public servant with such a serious medical condition. Ha, ha, so long you Dick!
Anyone ever seen Robocop 2? Well, it’s a documentary, and the events happened in REAL TIME.
I hope whitey loses in November. There, I said it.
Dead-eye Dick?
[re=617833]Fighting Bill[/re]: You say “public servant” of Cheney; I do not think this means what you think it means. Someone who intentionally causes great harm to the public, who has not served or indeed done one decent thing in his entire life, who is directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of civilians; and who even ordered fucking torture, one of the most evil things that can be done, is not a public servant.
Dick really needs to go.
[re=617779]dex[/re]: Whaaaat? I did not know him & I despise him from afar. (I assume you are trying to be the funnee…)
[re=617764]ManchuCandidate[/re]: And now we know how the Borg originate.
[re=617851]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It’s a Star Trek thing (Next Generation – they ran that episode on WGN the other night).
[re=617841]JMP[/re]: I can’t speak for Fighting Bill. But maybe it’s a typo, and he meant “pubic servant”? See, ’cause his name is Dick…
[re=617841]JMP[/re]: The man is not well; we should show a little respect, like waiting until he’s completely, totally, 100% dead to piss all over his repulsive body (after a healthy serving of asparagus).
He finished the job he came here to do. Now he can reunite with the Emperor on the death Star in a Galaxy, far, far away.
[re=617784]FMA[/re]:
Just plain ol’ dick should do.
[re=617783]ALIVE![/re]:
I just know the next thing is some poor injured Afghan War soldier at Walter Reed is going to “take a turn for the worse” and lo and behold, his heart is a match for Desperate Dying Dick. Fox News will actually play up the patriotism angle.
Dick gets War Hero’s heart, then the GOP will give him a medal – The Richard Nixon/Ronald Reagan Sainthood Award – then fire his ass out of a carnival cannon in Laramie!
[re=617767]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I wondered about that, I’m thinking of cancelling my organ donor card now. I’m going to be driving very carefully until he finally kicks. Honestly, the thought of my heart going into that evil piece of shit makes my skin crawl.
Also too, I don’t trust him not to be buying his way up on the heart donor list, seriously.
Thing is, if he gets two more years, that means he might kick right in the middle of the 2012 election, which might not be good.
Doesn’t matter. He’ll still be nominated in 2012. Dude could post a 24-7 live-feed of Ebola, SARS, Leprosy and teh HIV forming a goddamned boy band in his veins and the conservatards would look past it to the shining light that is his record of bombing the piss out of brown people.
John Ashcroft is an evil ass phony who got beat by a dead guy. I don’t see why it should be any different for Mittens.
Great, another story about a disastrous pump threatening America that can’t be stopped
Is it a coincidence that just as the oil well in the gulf stops spewing destruction, Cheney’s “heart” starts to do the same? Could it be that we have found the last horcrux?
Does this damn pump put the kabbash on using an oak stake?
Just die, you bastard evil cunt.
There. I said it for you.
According to my math, he still has 4 more lives.
Lest we be seduced by human empathy, here’s a flashback to Hunter S. Thompson’s obit for Richard Nixon…just for the perspective:
“If the right people had been in charge of Nixon’s funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning. Even his funeral was illegal. He was queer in the deepest way. His body should have been burned in a trash bin.”
I have no moral quandary. I hope Cheney dies slowly and in great pain and fear. The same fear a person might feel if he were to be tied head down on a slant board while his enemy poured water down his throat.
[re=617889]Can O Whoopass[/re]:
dammit, beat to it. I was gonna say, hasn’t he been stocking Walter Reed with spare parts for years?
Yeah, I hope he dies, but it’s just never going to be as much fun as the olds had kicking Nixon around.
[re=617979]notreallyhelping[/re]: Cheney was Nixon’s last chief of staff, after the nazis were all indicted, wasn’t he?
[re=617979]notreallyhelping[/re]:
Yeah, that kind of fun. Just about everyone picked up on Nixon’s toxic self loathing and paranoia. Nixon’s many public failures and eventual exile were just wonderful to relish, cuz you could see the resentful fear of his own impotence and alienation in his eyes. Cheney is nothing like him in public. His persona ranges from appraising poker face to a Hummer-sized mask of smug. When you think of Nixon, there’s his hilarious concession speech when he lost to Brown in CA or the absurd victory salute. When Cheney goes there’ll be endless clips of Dick smugly, cynically peddling his bullshit (bullshit people bought and paid for) and fearmongering.
[re=617918]Scarab[/re]: +1 for Naughty Monkey ref.
[re=617985]Prommie[/re]:
I thought the original Cheney-Rumsfeld Show was the Ford Admin. Rumsfeld brought in young Cheney.
[re=618007]lumpenprole[/re]: Cheney beats even Nixon, with the venality, the cashing-in, the stone cold corruption in exchange for personal riches. Nixon was twisted as hell, but he wasn’t in it for the money. Cheney is a fucking whore, on top of all else.
Nixon would be well to the left of Obama, today, and probably would have gotten single-payor universal care through congress, too.
[re=618018]lumpenprole[/re]: I stand corrected.
There is one extraordinary medical procedure that I would approve of being used to prolong Cheney’s suffering. If they found he could be kept alive by doing the “human centipede” operation, sewing his mouth to Karl Rove’s asshole, for example, that, yeah, I wouldn’t mind seeing that experiment done, for the good of mankind.
Sadder yet is the thought that if this evil bastard had to live under the same rules as the rest of America, he would have been dead 30 years ago.
Now, I just hope they keep him alive long enough to face trial as a war criminal.
Oooh, ooh, I got a good one: “Cheney says he plans to spend some time relaxing, quail-hunting with tissue-matched lawyers, after his release from the hospital.” Jon, did you see this one?
[re=617985]Prommie[/re]:
For example, the tapes or the gift that just keeps on giving. Everytime another exert is released, and Nixon’s petty bile is unleashed on the world again, we all know that the ground under Yorba Linda starts releasing sulfurous gases from hell as Nixon howls in agony. “Cocksuckers are still kicking me around!”
If there’s still any free inquiry left in ten or twenty years, we’ll still be reading shocking revelations about the Bush II White House. But instead howls of violation emanating from the earth the giant sludge pit in the Gulf will bubble up a satisfied burp noise and the tarball mini-continent will take on the shape (visible from orbit) of Cheney’s smirk.
Put me in the Sorry-To-Hear-Of-Cheney’s-Impending-Demise camp. Trial, humiliation, public shame, and lifelong incarceration, followed by quick yet excruciating death by heart attack were what I had hoped for.
Tramp The Dirt Down
with apologies to Declan McManus
I saw a newspaper picture from the political campaign
A man was kissing a child, who was obviously in pain
He spills with compassion, as that young child’s
face in his hands she grips
Can you imagine all that greed and avarice
coming down on that child’s lips
Well I hope I don’t die too soon
I pray the Lord my soul to save
Oh I’ll be a good boy, I’m trying so hard to behave
Because there’s one thing I know, I’d like to live
long enough to savour
That’s when they finally put you in the ground
I’ll stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down
When we the whore of the world
Dick was her pimp
And the future looked as bright and as clear as
the black tarmacadam
Well I hope that he sleeps well at night, isn’t
haunted by every tiny detail
‘Cos when he held that lovely face in his hands
all he thought of was betrayal
And now the cynical ones say that it all ends the same in the long run
Try telling that to the desperate father who just squeezed the life from his
only son
And how it’s only voices in your head and dreams you never dreamt
Try telling him the subtle difference between justice and contempt
Try telling me he isn’t angry with this pitiful discontent
When they flaunt it in your face as you line up for punishment
And then expect you to say “Thank you” straighten up, look proud and pleased
Because you’ve only got the symptoms, you haven’t got the whole disease
Just like a schoolboy, whose head’s like a tin-can
filled up with dreams then poured down the drain
Try telling that to the boys on both sides, being blown to bits or beaten and
maimed
Who takes all the glory and none of the shame
Well I hope you live long now, I pray the Lord your soul to keep
I think I’ll be going before we fold our arms and start to weep
I never thought for a moment that human life could be so cheap
‘Cos when they finally put you in the ground
They’ll stand there laughing and tramp the dirt down
It’s such a waste packing the Dickster with medical marvels when someoine who actually has a heart does without. Die slowly (but not too slowly) and painfully, you piece of dung.
Would you like more cream cheese on your bagel, Mr. Vice President?
Cheney is living prodf a man(or woman) can live without a soul, brain or heart. On the day he croaks I have a standing invitation with several friends to buy multiple rounds of beer. BTW I’m a veteran.
It will be just my luck that when the old snarly one does kick the bucket, it will be the same weekend Levi and Bristol pledge their neverending love. What if you had an invitation to both Big Events? How could one ever choose?
[re=617851]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: i always let lieutenant commander data speak for me when it’s too just emotional.
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=5&ved=0CCcQFjAE&url=http%3A%2F%2Fmemory-alpha.org%2Fwiki%2FThe_Schizoid_Man_(episode)&ei=f1Q_TLaMI8SAlAeN_ZW8Bw&usg=AFQjCNFbQ75a8FYaCLjYSeqDaAwcATnCTg
Here’s hoping Cheney lives to have many more heart attacks and surgeries!
I remain puzzled by the idea that a creature lacking a heart can have a “heart attack.”
Sort of like the Tin Woodman checking into Cedars-Sinai for bypass surgery.
well I’m thankful that at least on Wonkette we can still laugh at this Machiavel’s demise; unlike at HuffPo where everyone is tripping over themselves to say “get well soon” so as not to look like the Freeper-sheeple gloating over Ted Kennedy et al.
[re=617829]Prommie[/re]: Ha, ha. Organ donor card. You libs are so cute.
If Cheney wants your organs, he’ll just HALO a guy to your house with a claw hammer and a Milwaukee Sawzall. If you’re lucky, he’ll use them in that order.
Don’t fear death Mr Cheney. It’s like being waterboarded from now to infinity. Then you go to the bright light and spend eternity listening to Ronald Reagan tell Hollywood stories. That’s right, you’re going to Hell.
[re=618069]lumpenprole[/re]: I keep hoping for a Secret History of the Bush administration, but none yet.
[re=618074]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I was hoping he’d last long enough to be hanged or guillotined or something. Although we can still hope the others will stand trial, get punished.
[re=618188]robertsgt40[/re]: Amen and amen.
[re=618376]Neilist[/re]: He has a physical heart. He lacks the fellow-feeling which is metaphorically called “the heart.” He was and is extremely selfish, in a way that has become too common on the “conservative” end of US.
Die you old evil fart. Die!
Yeah…but will a “double VAD” (ventricular assist devices) pump tar balls thru Chaney’s erstwhile oil-nourished carcass? Especially on the back nine.
Meanwhile, a major multinational energy company is now complaining they can’t really seal a leaky oil well because clotted blood is gumming up their feeble attempts to seat the well cap. Sounds implausible but Chaney’s bald tire of a heart may have “other priorities” — like creating a big, fat,cost-plus well cap contract once BP finally throws in the towel. They can say all they want about Chaney but he is the ultimate Halliburton team player. Besides, there’s still time for a heart donor to come forward. Any Blackwater mercenary or US soldier who’s served in Iraq knows that the country’s driver licences have a place on the back where one can “donate” (i.e., sell) his heart so his family can eat for a whole week.
He’s more machine than human now…
question of the day…will The ig Dick’s obit read in part…survived by 2 Lesbians and a Lizzie?
All of the mentioning of his having more heart attacks and wishes for his
death are evidence that many of you lack the organ real or metaphoric that
is giving him such a tortuous life. Shame on you.
It’s a pitty Bush could not join him.
How satisfying it is, when the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the one, or the few !
The tragedy here is not that this has happened, but that its taken so long to happen.
I say we fly the flag higher on the day we finally are rid of him. I’m starting a pool on which day it might be…
Stock up on the beer and wine gents… I can hardly wait. Sounds bad but hey…
Can you think of anyone more deserving. So long “Chicken Hawk”.
I served my country, not the other way around, and that makes all the difference.
Bring it on !!!!!
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