THE MERRILL HOWARD KALIN SHOW  9:11 am July 15, 2010

WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Interview

by Jack Stuef

MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!!!!1!We all learned a lot about Wisconsin Republican candidate for U.S. Senate and future President Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. last week. And since then, we’ve had the chance to speak with him, for over a half hour. It was an entertaining interview. Did you know that Pagels is well-versed in most of our favorite conservative issues? In addition to being opposed to homosexuality, abortion and pornography (the “Pagels Trifecta”), he is also a birther, for example. Yet, completely coincidentally, he tells Wonkette in this exclusive interview that he’s also a paranoid schizophrenic!

Pagels also notes how he financed his campaign against Jim Sensenbrenner and his current campaign:

Pagels stand firm against the creeping socialism of the Obama administration, too. And he has an idea for what the government should do with people (like himself) suffering from mental health problems:

Pagels also spoke for over 10 minutes about his various lawsuits. When asked about his suit against McDonald’s, he said he had worked at one of the hamburger chain’s locations at some point and the corporate giant refused to put his correct legal name on his pay stubs.

But what about Pagels’ legal battle against the general manager of WVCY, a fundamentalist Christian radio broadcaster, Victor Eliason:

Pagels tried to get police to prosecute Eliason for “unlawful use of a telephone,” which Pagels said was part of the Wisconsin “disorderly conduct statute.” (And he should know, as he was cited for disorderly conduct for public urination.) When the police refused, Pagel said, he sued Eliason for $10 million. Later, he went to one of Eliason’s “friend’s churches” and was kicked out by the pastors, he said, because of 1 Corinthians 6:1-4. Pagels was defeated in the lawsuit but kept appealing until he ran out of money.

When Pagels was asked about the charges against him for public urination, he said he made a poor decision when he urinated between his car and another in the parking lot. “I did wrong. I did wrong,” he said.

Pagels is admirably forthcoming, at least, and that will certainly take him far with the voters of Wisconsin (and later America). As he and other conservatives have said, the people of Wisconsin and the U.S. want laws against homosexuality and abortion and perhaps even porn — so come November, expect Pagels and his brethren to sweep into power. It’s about time we had another paranoid schizophrenic in the Senate, and Pagels seems like the right man for the job.

NOTE: We can now say that ThinkProgress and Alan Colmes and Huffington Post giggled at the mentally ill. HOW DARE THEY?!

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Potater July 15, 2010 at 9:17 am

But what is his stance on DoD chips being installed in ladies’ hoo-hahs? America needs to know.

weejee July 15, 2010 at 9:26 am

Great work Jack. You got Mr. Pagels to come out of his mental health closet. Will he be the first of many Tea Party candidates to drop his psychiatric pants? Will this be the start of a movement?

Those of us Wonketters of the gray hair tribe can recall exactly what we were doing when we heard the news that Kennedy had been shot. This may be a similar point-in-time where folks will look back and say yeah, I was doing blah-blah-, when Wonkette’s Jack Stuef opened the Tea Party mental health closet and the schiz hit the fan.

Potater July 15, 2010 at 9:26 am

Seriously though, he seems like a nice enough guy, if an open and unrepentant fascist. Best of luck to him on his “Let’s Beat Beatin’ Off!” campaign.

S.Luggo July 15, 2010 at 9:27 am

Pagels, shmagels, what does Sarah Palin think? Or is that an oxymoron? Moran. No, moron. No, moran.

Olive July 15, 2010 at 9:28 am

It is all starting to make sense now.

Baldar T Flagass July 15, 2010 at 9:29 am

Why does it look like his mouth was poorly photoshopped onto his face in that photo?

Radiotherapy July 15, 2010 at 9:31 am

[re=617799]weejee[/re]: 9/11 changed everything.

JMP July 15, 2010 at 9:35 am

They’ll take my porn from my cold, dead hands. Well, cold dead hand, since with porn the other one’s busy.

Noonan July 15, 2010 at 9:36 am

Hey, give the guy credit: that was a pretty solid seventh-grade level summary of basic American civics. Better than a lot of people could do.

iburl July 15, 2010 at 9:38 am

Is it really paranoid schizophrenia if they really are out to get you and there really are multiple voices inside your head advising you on how to save (and sometimes destroy) America? Think about it. No, you think about it. Ban porn.

hoosiermama July 15, 2010 at 9:39 am


Mr Blifil July 15, 2010 at 9:46 am

How can urinating ever be wrong?

S.Luggo July 15, 2010 at 9:53 am

Btw, why does Ernst wear a suit coat over his Waffen-SS Gruppenführer epaulettes? Makes him look like a fucking linebacker. That’s no way to win an election, I tells ya. Controlling your public image is all.

S.Luggo July 15, 2010 at 9:56 am

[re=617817]Mr Blifil[/re]: To paraphrase the famous Frenchy mathematician: I whiz, therefore I is.

weejee July 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

[re=617821]S.Luggo[/re]: Where is his tinfoil cap, also?

DustBowlBlues July 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

Excellent piece, mr. Jack Stuff. (fuck spelling that last name). Since your arrival, we’ve gotten some hard-hitting journalism from this site, such another interview with a candidate for a major national office. If wonkette continues to cover the news with this kind of journalism, I can skip reading the CS Monitor to find out what really happened.

People may think “my” wonket is just for yuks, but has the Onion ever done this kind of work? No, I didn’t think so.

DC Hates Me July 15, 2010 at 10:02 am

Great job Jack, this is going to keep me entertained all day. In fact, don’t post anything else today. Just take the day off.

First impression is that for a deranged mofo, he actually has a good comprehension of the legal process necessary to becoming a US Senator.

MarieDeGournay July 15, 2010 at 10:11 am

Tort reform!

Dredd July 15, 2010 at 10:13 am

Did we all forget to mention that the dude is criminally insane, like many people in power these daze.

sezme July 15, 2010 at 10:16 am

This interview is chillingly similar to many phone calls to my relatives in Wisconsin.

Radiotherapy July 15, 2010 at 10:18 am

[re=617817]Mr Blifil[/re]: Apparently, someone else is minding their pees and qb’s.

Oblios Cap July 15, 2010 at 10:24 am


So you sit on it until goes to sleep first? I’ve heard of that.

Oblios Cap July 15, 2010 at 10:26 am

[re=617817]Mr Blifil[/re]:

If urinating is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Joshua Norton July 15, 2010 at 10:29 am

I’d like to meet a teabagger who could actually define “socialism”. All they seem to know is what they’ve been told by the hate-radio crew and that it sounds bad to them – so throw it around a lot. But beyond that, they’re all as lost as Atlantis.

OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin July 15, 2010 at 10:47 am

Another psychotic conservative Christian, imagine my shock.

finallyhappy July 15, 2010 at 10:50 am

[re=617850]Joshua Norton[/re]: You won’t find one. Understanding socialism involves being able to think coherently and I really do not think any teabagger can- at least not the ones who claim Obama or the Democrats are socialists or leading us into socialism. Atlantis- I am pretty sure it is a pricey hotel in the Bahamas.

JMP July 15, 2010 at 10:57 am

[re=617850]Joshua Norton[/re]: They also assume it’s bad, but can’t explain why it’s supposed to be bad except “it’s not capitalism” (yeah, that’s worked so great for us) or “it’s unAmerican (not really; the Constitution doesn’t say much of anything about the economic system). July 15, 2010 at 11:09 am

my area of wisconsin is progressive, and awesome.
fuck this guy.

Radiotherapy July 15, 2010 at 11:15 am

[re=617850]Joshua Norton[/re]: [re=617880]JMP[/re]: And the one useless, further step is trying to explain to these blockheads that in hard reality we are, at least, partially socialists. Social Insecurity, Medicare/Medicaid, the Military, the Interstates, etc.

gurukalehuru July 15, 2010 at 11:24 am

Veritably, he is a Republican version of Alvin Greene. Somewhat more garrulous, apparently, and whiter, but essentially the same kind of thing.

I say we cut a deal.

Cmoney July 15, 2010 at 11:27 am

“Pagels and Greene ★★★ the Bi-partisan Machine for 2016!”

chaste everywhere July 15, 2010 at 11:33 am

Acknowledging you have a problemo is the first stepo to a cureo. Also, he’s the first paranoid schizophrenic I’ve ever known to own up. And the first one I’ve ever known. Me, too. Why are you staring at us in that tone of voice?

[re=617832]MarieDeGournay[/re]: With warm raspberry sauce!

imissopus July 15, 2010 at 11:42 am

[re=617799]weejee[/re]: Ted Kennedy was shot?

crapshooter102 July 15, 2010 at 11:51 am

Thanks for the physic autopsy Jack. Although, I think about one of these a month is all I can digest. It will take all day to just to figure out the answer to one question from this Moron.

just pixels July 15, 2010 at 11:56 am

Forget the lamestream media. I want more of this “stream-of-consciousness” media. Imagine if all reporters spoke to “sources” for “information”! It’s so crazy — Pagels crazy — it just might work.

Can’t wait ’til he gets rid of the porn. It’s gonna free up dozens of hours of worker productivity in offices across America. Plus unemployed porn actresses will have to get jobs in those same offices, which will be entertaining to say the least.

widget09 July 15, 2010 at 12:04 pm

He kinda looks (and acts) like Frank Burns from M*A*S*H*.

facehead July 15, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Wonkette should create stickers which say “Be nice to me, I listened to Jack Stuef’s interview with Ernest J. Pagels Jr. today.”

zhubajie July 15, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Didn’t Bush hear the Voice of G-d? Telling him to invade here, there, everywhere? Wasn’t he insanely popular with most Rep(tiles)? Make this guy president!! Palin can be Sec’y of State.

GOPCrusher July 15, 2010 at 12:57 pm

I’m sorry. I have to draw the line at his anti-pornography position.

FlownOver July 15, 2010 at 1:21 pm

So just how does this guy differ from today’s rank-and-file Republican?

Tommmcatt July 15, 2010 at 2:20 pm

This makes me miss Nadine. Remember Nadine?

mustardman July 15, 2010 at 4:19 pm

These days, a paranoid schizophrenic GOP candidate is considered to have real potential.

CivicHoliday July 15, 2010 at 6:31 pm

He hates socialism, except the kind where the government makes able bodied veterans work for free to ‘earn’ their disability checks. Me likey this fellow. Lots.

zhubajie July 16, 2010 at 7:53 am

I’m glad he admits to his mental illnesses. Too bad the other Rep.s won’t.

ttommyunger July 17, 2010 at 2:51 pm

I can’t help feeling sorry for this poor fuck…That’s the difference between me and them. Rightards have no sense of compassion.

Marsupialboy July 17, 2010 at 6:30 pm

It’s strange. When he’s deconstructing Biblical texts and demystifying gnosticism (under his pen name, “Elaine Pagels”) he come across as so thoughtful and articulate . . .

Dolmance July 18, 2010 at 8:52 am

I hate to say it, I feel really bad to admit it even to myself, but I found myself feeling intensely sorry for this man. I hate having empathy for Republicans. It makes me feel completely ridiculous.

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