WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Interview

  the merrill howard kalin show

MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!!!!1!We all learned a lot about Wisconsin Republican candidate for U.S. Senate and future President Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. last week. And since then, we’ve had the chance to speak with him, for over a half hour. It was an entertaining interview. Did you know that Pagels is well-versed in most of our favorite conservative issues? In addition to being opposed to homosexuality, abortion and pornography (the “Pagels Trifecta”), he is also a birther, for example. Yet, completely coincidentally, he tells Wonkette in this exclusive interview that he’s also a paranoid schizophrenic!

Pagels also notes how he financed his campaign against Jim Sensenbrenner and his current campaign:


Pagels stand firm against the creeping socialism of the Obama administration, too. And he has an idea for what the government should do with people (like himself) suffering from mental health problems:


Pagels also spoke for over 10 minutes about his various lawsuits. When asked about his suit against McDonald’s, he said he had worked at one of the hamburger chain’s locations at some point and the corporate giant refused to put his correct legal name on his pay stubs.

But what about Pagels’ legal battle against the general manager of WVCY, a fundamentalist Christian radio broadcaster, Victor Eliason:


Pagels tried to get police to prosecute Eliason for “unlawful use of a telephone,” which Pagels said was part of the Wisconsin “disorderly conduct statute.” (And he should know, as he was cited for disorderly conduct for public urination.) When the police refused, Pagel said, he sued Eliason for $10 million. Later, he went to one of Eliason’s “friend’s churches” and was kicked out by the pastors, he said, because of 1 Corinthians 6:1-4. Pagels was defeated in the lawsuit but kept appealing until he ran out of money.

When Pagels was asked about the charges against him for public urination, he said he made a poor decision when he urinated between his car and another in the parking lot. “I did wrong. I did wrong,” he said.

Pagels is admirably forthcoming, at least, and that will certainly take him far with the voters of Wisconsin (and later America). As he and other conservatives have said, the people of Wisconsin and the U.S. want laws against homosexuality and abortion and perhaps even porn — so come November, expect Pagels and his brethren to sweep into power. It’s about time we had another paranoid schizophrenic in the Senate, and Pagels seems like the right man for the job.

NOTE: We can now say that ThinkProgress and Alan Colmes and Huffington Post giggled at the mentally ill. HOW DARE THEY?!

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

47 comments

  1. Potater

    But what is his stance on DoD chips being installed in ladies’ hoo-hahs? America needs to know.

  2. weejee

    Great work Jack. You got Mr. Pagels to come out of his mental health closet. Will he be the first of many Tea Party candidates to drop his psychiatric pants? Will this be the start of a movement?

    Those of us Wonketters of the gray hair tribe can recall exactly what we were doing when we heard the news that Kennedy had been shot. This may be a similar point-in-time where folks will look back and say yeah, I was doing blah-blah-, when Wonkette’s Jack Stuef opened the Tea Party mental health closet and the schiz hit the fan.

  3. Potater

    Seriously though, he seems like a nice enough guy, if an open and unrepentant fascist. Best of luck to him on his “Let’s Beat Beatin’ Off!” campaign.

  4. S.Luggo

    Pagels, shmagels, what does Sarah Palin think? Or is that an oxymoron? Moran. No, moron. No, moran.

  5. Baldar T Flagass

    Why does it look like his mouth was poorly photoshopped onto his face in that photo?

  6. JMP

    They’ll take my porn from my cold, dead hands. Well, cold dead hand, since with porn the other one’s busy.

  7. Noonan

    Hey, give the guy credit: that was a pretty solid seventh-grade level summary of basic American civics. Better than a lot of people could do.

  8. iburl

    Is it really paranoid schizophrenia if they really are out to get you and there really are multiple voices inside your head advising you on how to save (and sometimes destroy) America? Think about it. No, you think about it. Ban porn.

  9. S.Luggo

    Btw, why does Ernst wear a suit coat over his Waffen-SS Gruppenführer epaulettes? Makes him look like a fucking linebacker. That’s no way to win an election, I tells ya. Controlling your public image is all.

  10. S.Luggo

    [re=617817]Mr Blifil[/re]: To paraphrase the famous Frenchy mathematician: I whiz, therefore I is.

  11. DustBowlBlues

    Excellent piece, mr. Jack Stuff. (fuck spelling that last name). Since your arrival, we’ve gotten some hard-hitting journalism from this site, such another interview with a candidate for a major national office. If wonkette continues to cover the news with this kind of journalism, I can skip reading the CS Monitor to find out what really happened.

    People may think “my” wonket is just for yuks, but has the Onion ever done this kind of work? No, I didn’t think so.

  12. DC Hates Me

    Great job Jack, this is going to keep me entertained all day. In fact, don’t post anything else today. Just take the day off.

    First impression is that for a deranged mofo, he actually has a good comprehension of the legal process necessary to becoming a US Senator.

  13. Joshua Norton

    I’d like to meet a teabagger who could actually define “socialism”. All they seem to know is what they’ve been told by the hate-radio crew and that it sounds bad to them – so throw it around a lot. But beyond that, they’re all as lost as Atlantis.

  14. finallyhappy

    [re=617850]Joshua Norton[/re]: You won’t find one. Understanding socialism involves being able to think coherently and I really do not think any teabagger can- at least not the ones who claim Obama or the Democrats are socialists or leading us into socialism. Atlantis- I am pretty sure it is a pricey hotel in the Bahamas.

  15. JMP

    [re=617850]Joshua Norton[/re]: They also assume it’s bad, but can’t explain why it’s supposed to be bad except “it’s not capitalism” (yeah, that’s worked so great for us) or “it’s unAmerican (not really; the Constitution doesn’t say much of anything about the economic system).

  16. Radiotherapy

    [re=617850]Joshua Norton[/re]: [re=617880]JMP[/re]: And the one useless, further step is trying to explain to these blockheads that in hard reality we are, at least, partially socialists. Social Insecurity, Medicare/Medicaid, the Military, the Interstates, etc.

  17. gurukalehuru

    Veritably, he is a Republican version of Alvin Greene. Somewhat more garrulous, apparently, and whiter, but essentially the same kind of thing.

    I say we cut a deal.

  18. chaste everywhere

    Acknowledging you have a problemo is the first stepo to a cureo. Also, he’s the first paranoid schizophrenic I’ve ever known to own up. And the first one I’ve ever known. Me, too. Why are you staring at us in that tone of voice?

    [re=617832]MarieDeGournay[/re]: With warm raspberry sauce!

  19. crapshooter102

    Thanks for the physic autopsy Jack. Although, I think about one of these a month is all I can digest. It will take all day to just to figure out the answer to one question from this Moron.

  20. just pixels

    Forget the lamestream media. I want more of this “stream-of-consciousness” media. Imagine if all reporters spoke to “sources” for “information”! It’s so crazy — Pagels crazy — it just might work.

    Can’t wait ’til he gets rid of the porn. It’s gonna free up dozens of hours of worker productivity in offices across America. Plus unemployed porn actresses will have to get jobs in those same offices, which will be entertaining to say the least.

  21. facehead

    Wonkette should create stickers which say “Be nice to me, I listened to Jack Stuef’s interview with Ernest J. Pagels Jr. today.”

  22. zhubajie

    Didn’t Bush hear the Voice of G-d? Telling him to invade here, there, everywhere? Wasn’t he insanely popular with most Rep(tiles)? Make this guy president!! Palin can be Sec’y of State.

  23. mustardman

    These days, a paranoid schizophrenic GOP candidate is considered to have real potential.

  24. CivicHoliday

    He hates socialism, except the kind where the government makes able bodied veterans work for free to ‘earn’ their disability checks. Me likey this fellow. Lots.

  25. ttommyunger

    I can’t help feeling sorry for this poor fuck…That’s the difference between me and them. Rightards have no sense of compassion.

  26. Marsupialboy

    It’s strange. When he’s deconstructing Biblical texts and demystifying gnosticism (under his pen name, “Elaine Pagels”) he come across as so thoughtful and articulate . . .

  27. Dolmance

    I hate to say it, I feel really bad to admit it even to myself, but I found myself feeling intensely sorry for this man. I hate having empathy for Republicans. It makes me feel completely ridiculous.

Comments are closed.