instead of fucking nikki haley

South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer Likes To Wash Children’s Feet And Give Them New Shoes


“Do they ever resist?” No! “Usually they’re timid, they’re shy.” This is a charming video. Here we see South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, who is most notable for not being gay and wanting Mark Sanford to resign so he could be governor for a bit. Children’s feet/atheism is a big problem in South Carolina, so it is good to see the state’s politicians taking off children’s shoes and socks, forcing their feet into some water, maybe caressing them a bit, and putting on new pairs of shoes and socks. NO, not merely giving them new shoes and socks. Putting them on. So the children learn about Jesus. Then Andre gives them a new Bible and sends them on their way.

This show is called Nightline and airs on Dove Broadcasting’s Christian WGGS station in South Carolina. (Oh, how far Ted Koppel has fallen.) “The two-hour Christian variety production features Gospel music, Biblical teaching, practical helps for Christians and prayer and counseling by trained phone workers.” Sounds like fun! They have an address where you can send a demo tape if you want to get on the show!

Or you could just play with children’s feet like Andre Bauer. Either one works! [YouTube via Wonkette operative "Petulant"]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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77 comments

  1. fatimcgee

    Do Christians have any idea how creepy they are? I mean, I used to be one, so I known the creepy first hand, but…dayum.

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    The older boys get a beej, too, in addition to their new shoes and socks. But that’s not technically a part of the program, so it wasn’t really worth mentioning.

  3. JMP

    Both the set and the host look almost just like the Church Lady. Do these people not realize that Dana Carvey was mocking them; or that despite the name he’s not really a lady?

  4. WarAndG

    Ok, so you’re 13 years old, and unexpectedly YOUR WET NAKED FEET are be rubbed by a strange man who asks you if have a relationship with the uh…Lord? Why isn’t someone being arrested right fucking now?

  5. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Hella gay.

    I grew up Catholic, and they’ve got some creepy shit going on, but its so wrapped up in medieval ritual you’re of walled off from it. Talking about washing feet with the church lady on a talk show is something else.

  6. Joshua Norton

    To be biblically correct, he must dry their feet with his hair.

    Fucking perv. Also.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    You know the real problem with religion? It’s not freakish and wrong enough. Keep up the good work, André — though if you were a real South Carolinian you’d spell it Andre’ — the e-apostrophe formulation being an especial badge of ignorance, like having a collection of angel figurines.

  8. Geogre

    This reminds me of “whitewashed tombs,” by the way.

    Jesus washed the feet of his disciples to emphasize the point, in case they had missed it, that they were to serve, that the first shall be last and the last shall be first, that the whole duty is to serve the poor and the wretched. Bauer, like a literalist, washes some feet and pushes bills to make the poor poorer.

    It’s not funny. It’s just the way that the “letter” people roll.

  9. marioninnyc

    This is some crazy shit. First, Nightline really has changed since Ted Koppel retired. Second, when did they hire Dana Carvey? But Andre Braugher is a hell of an actor though I think his talents were wasted in this rather unoriginal white-face sketch. Also where was the pay off — I mean all those hints that it was going into the Nambla/George Rekers territory, but it just faded out with the dumb gonna visit your mama stuff.

  10. TrailerSpawned

    You know who else washes their feet right before praying? Muslins. Just saying.

  11. 13ollocks To The Rules

    It a barter system – he washes their feet, they carry his bags…..ew

  12. Ducksworthy

    Not fair. I was expecting the grey haired lady to be Al Franken from 10 years ago. Wait, maybe it was. I’l look again. More closely this time. This has to be some kind of comedy routine.

  13. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=617211]ArkansasFred[/re]: After he washes, dries, and shoes their feet, “Frank Pembleton” takes the kids into “The Box” and wrings a confession out of them. And then does the Superior Dance.

  14. nappyduggs

    What Jeebus did not say was “suffer the little children to come into me.” That is wrong and gross and horribly Republican in interpretation.

  15. user-of-owls

    Hi Jack.

    Just wanted to let you know that Wonkette has dropped back down from the top two spots on Google’s “Palin hookworm” search. So now you can hop up on your little chair and wave your merry little “JOURNALISM TAKES TIME!” mug singing, “We’re Numbers Three and Four! We’re Numbers Three and Four!”

    Well done!

  16. Ducksworthy

    [re=617225]Geogre[/re]: Being nice to poor people is not the way to get to heaven. That would be called following mean you were following the the spirit of the thing. How you get to heaven see is through performing magical rituals, washing feet, muttering incantations, sitting in a pentangle. Wait. I seem to be getting southern christianity mixed up with something else.

  17. chascates

    [re=617219]Serolf Divad[/re]: So feeding children will cause them to breed? Which is something Andre may not be into.

  18. El Pinche

    [re=617249]user-of-owls[/re]: I saw some mumblings about Palin’s hookworms on Redstate. They deny it but Palin’s hookworms are real.

  19. blackdontcrack

    “It seems like the Lord has put him through all kinds of stuff”

    So this Lord..that’s his boyfriend???

  20. Jim89048

    Not that I’m brave enough/dumb enough to actually go and look, but I do wonder if they have a PayPal link somewhere.

  21. ogradybt

    If I like this on google reader I’ll get locked up, probably, so I’ll just say… noted.

  22. Sgt. Biyatch

    This video is scary.
    Years ago, George W. Bush asked presciently, “is our children learning?” After the rash of stories out of South Carolina the last year or so, I think the answer, at least in South Carolina, is a resounding “no, they isn’t.” China, you can play through. We’ll be here for a while.

  23. Geogre

    [re=617257]Ducksworthy[/re]: The thing about the literalists, and they’re not confined to any region, is that they love loopholes.

    My favorite was Jimmy Swaggart. He got a pro, had her fondle herself, and then masturbated. That way, he could claim the loophole against adultery! He was going to outsmart morality.

    Andre Bauer is going to compare hungry children to wild animals, but then he’s going to do the technical “Christian thing” and say that he has fulfilled the letter of the law and sleep just fine at night. If he is gay, he probably has a high frottage, non-penetrative situation that he can rationalize out as being “not really gay.” Aside from the psychological corrosiveness, and the hypocrisy, it’s that sin again: pride. Jesus had a few things to say about pride, too. It’s not a virtue.

  24. maven

    “do they know what’s coming up?” “no, I don’t think so” “do they ever resist?” “usually they’re tender, they’re shy, but then they open up”

  25. Prommie

    [re=617314]Geogre[/re]: Washing someone’s feet in conscious imitation of Jesus is such a presumptuously humble thing to do. Its making a direct comparison between your self and Jesus, its fucking arrogant, he’s way too proud of his humility.

    Fucking self-congratulatory christians.

    The Roman Catholic religion is the one I don’t practice, but I can summarize its basic teaching in a very very short phrase: God is so great he loves us (even though we suck.) Later in life I was exposed to some of the protestant sects, and they have a very different approach, for many of them, its “I’m so great that God loves me.” No fucking humility. These are the tough love people, and “hate the sin, love the sinner (while you execute him). Fucking retarded in politics, retarded in religion, retarded in everything. Pigfuckers.

  26. chascates

    When his career in politics is over he’ll probably be made head of some Christian orphanage. Until he’s finally arrested and gets life in prison.

  27. chaste everywhere

    “A lot of times these kids are very young people that haven’t had a lot of attention, that haven’t had a lot of love shown their way, that are sometimes neglected, that are sometimes just need someone to spend a little time with them.”
    Textbook description of the kind of children sexual abusers look for.

  28. Prommie

    [re=617314]Geogre[/re]: Its kinda the biggest deep-level break between jewish and christian theology. Jewish theology is based on a covenant, a contract, between god and his people, the people do x, y, and z, and God is contractually obligated to protect them and bless them and do the god side of the agreement. Jesus, as a rule, despised those who diced words and looked for loopholes, and made it substance, not symbol, love, freely given and accepted, and not a complicated contract to be manipulated by the lawyers (pharisees).

  29. PortlandSmartAss

    Classic fundamentalist stupidity. “Hey dumbass Nite [sic] Line lady, you may have never heard of this before, but every Catholic Church in the world does this right before Easter.” And while I realize that you think all Catholics are going straight to hell because they’re not Baptists, can you think for a second or two before you open your big trap?

  30. One Yield Regular

    Has anyone called Child Protective Services yet? If somebody tried to wash my kid’s feet and thrust a bible at him in exchange for a promise of shoes, I’d have the cops down there faster than you could say “Jesus wept.”

  31. mumblyjoe

    [re=617219]Serolf Divad[/re]: Well, yeah, but the foot-washing thing is in the Bible, dude. It’s not as though there’s a passage of the Bible that reads,

    For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;

    or anything like that.

  32. Katydid

    Ah, I miss South Carolina TV. When I lived there, I used to watch a woman who had a show about getting fit for the lord. She would pray while exercising: “And Jesus loves you, two, three four, do your kegels for your husband and the lord, two, three, four…”

  33. predilectrix

    [re=617425]mumblyjoe[/re]: Check! I was confusing your reference with DateNightline.

  34. M Lite

    Since she didn’t mention he’s Lt. Governor in the introduction, and because of the horribly dated sets and clothes, I assumed this was years old. The fact that it’s brand new moves this from the “that’s funny” category to the “Jesus Christ!!!!!!” category. Doesn’t he know that giving them shoes just makes them like animals, running around? I love how the parents neglect these poor children, but they still won’t let them get their Sunday shoes muddy. Let’s get his Mom on here, I REALLY REALLY want to hear from her!

  35. HedonismBot

    Without actually watching the video (cuz who want to do that?) I can only assume the guy is being interviewed by Dana Carvey as the Church Lady.

  36. HedonismBot

    [re=617519]HedonismBot[/re]: I wrote that without actually reading the comments first, also. Obviously. Also.

  37. Hiking the Appalachian Trail

    Um, I would just to say that having lived in South Carolina for most of Andre’s term as Lieutenant Governor, he is nearly impossible to avoid unless you live in a cave. He is always on television for driving too fast or crashing his plane or whatever. That woman hosting the show acted like she had no idea who she was. If she has lived in South Carolina for the last few years and is that clueless about Andre Bauer, well that says a lot about her.

  38. Horselover Fat

    If we form a big enough mob, do you think he’ll turn his daughters over to us?

  39. Saint Ronald the Divine

    She’s right, Andre is “on fire” for the lord and the boys. By the way, Greenville makes Mayberry seem sophisticated ndcosmopolitan.

  40. Geogre

    [re=617367]Prommie[/re]: Right, and the early Christian writing is all about “do not look at the letter, you idiots! It’s love, faith, and hope.”

    I think your characterization of Protestantism is a reaction to a particular development of a particular group, actually. The earlier folks were pretty dour, but that, in fact, turned out to be a problem. The Puritans were famous for keeping “sin diaries.” They had a big dose of how worthless they were, but the problem with that was that it led to loads of despair and made people focus on avoiding sin, not practicing virtue. (In fact, I’d say that that’s still there: “I haven’t technically sinned” is all about worrying about sin instead of thinking about practicing virtue.) The groups you’ve met have a strange, and new, version of a doctrine where they believe “once saved, always saved,” and so, once they get “washed in the blood,” they are pre-forgiven.

    It’s not that simple, in reality, but it is, as far as the practitioners are concerned, and so we see, people saying, as one really said to me, “When Jesus said let he without sin cast the first stone, that means people like me, because I’m washed of sin, and so he means that I should cast a stone.”

  41. zhubajie

    [re=617404]mumblyjoe[/re]: The Bible’s got a lot of weird things in it, not just the kinky sex.

  42. peatardier

    Good lord!

    And, does anyone else notice how much more Andre accentuates his Carolina accent while talking to the “church lady” as compared to when he is on the Rachel Maddow show? I guess he’s just trying to pick up some white southern conservative evangelical street cred in this environment.

  43. Prommie

    [re=617746]Geogre[/re]: They were Calvinist-types. Predestination can make you pretty smug, was what I picked up from them. After all, there isn’t one of them that doesn’t think he or she is predestined for heaven, and what with worldly riches being considered a sign of God having chosen you, yup, “I’m so great, God loves me.”

    I have also had a lot of exposure to just plain old fundamentalist, “bible-believin” christians of the “Jesus Camp” variety. Most of them are just fucking stupid. Oh, they fetish-ize the bible, make it into an idol, have no fucking clue what most of it means, its an emotionally immature personal thing, jesus is their very own personal boyfriend, and they loooooovvvveeeee to just say “jesus jesus jesus” all the time, between every two words they speak, “praise jesus, from whom all blessings flow,” they do it almost as much as I insert the word “fucking” between every two fucking words I fucking say. But they are simpletons, and only understand the literal and personal. The good, real americans, the common people, you know, morons.

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