INSTEAD OF FUCKING NIKKI HALEY  3:11 pm July 14, 2010

South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer Likes To Wash Children’s Feet And Give Them New Shoes

by Jack Stuef


“Do they ever resist?” No! “Usually they’re timid, they’re shy.” This is a charming video. Here we see South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, who is most notable for not being gay and wanting Mark Sanford to resign so he could be governor for a bit. Children’s feet/atheism is a big problem in South Carolina, so it is good to see the state’s politicians taking off children’s shoes and socks, forcing their feet into some water, maybe caressing them a bit, and putting on new pairs of shoes and socks. NO, not merely giving them new shoes and socks. Putting them on. So the children learn about Jesus. Then Andre gives them a new Bible and sends them on their way.

This show is called Nightline and airs on Dove Broadcasting’s Christian WGGS station in South Carolina. (Oh, how far Ted Koppel has fallen.) “The two-hour Christian variety production features Gospel music, Biblical teaching, practical helps for Christians and prayer and counseling by trained phone workers.” Sounds like fun! They have an address where you can send a demo tape if you want to get on the show!

Or you could just play with children’s feet like Andre Bauer. Either one works! [YouTube via Wonkette operative "Petulant"]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 77 comments }

fatimcgee July 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Do Christians have any idea how creepy they are? I mean, I used to be one, so I known the creepy first hand, but…dayum.

Lascauxcaveman July 14, 2010 at 3:21 pm

The older boys get a beej, too, in addition to their new shoes and socks. But that’s not technically a part of the program, so it wasn’t really worth mentioning.

ph7 July 14, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Church Lady Redux

JMP July 14, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Both the set and the host look almost just like the Church Lady. Do these people not realize that Dana Carvey was mocking them; or that despite the name he’s not really a lady?

mumblyjoe July 14, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Are you sure the show wasn’t called Dateline? Because this sounds a lot like something you might see on a show called Dateline.

ArkansasFred July 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Wait. This isn’t about the black guy from Homicide: Life on the Street ?

WarAndG July 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Ok, so you’re 13 years old, and unexpectedly YOUR WET NAKED FEET are be rubbed by a strange man who asks you if have a relationship with the uh…Lord? Why isn’t someone being arrested right fucking now?

Tommmcatt July 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm

That is one creepy fetish, right there.

Manos: Hands of Fate July 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Hella gay.

I grew up Catholic, and they’ve got some creepy shit going on, but its so wrapped up in medieval ritual you’re of walled off from it. Talking about washing feet with the church lady on a talk show is something else.

Joshua Norton July 14, 2010 at 3:31 pm

To be biblically correct, he must dry their feet with his hair.

Fucking perv. Also.

Serolf Divad July 14, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Wait, isn’t this the same douche who compared school lunch programs to feeding stray cats?

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-6139186-503544.html

Why yes, yes it is.

SayItWithWookies July 14, 2010 at 3:33 pm

You know the real problem with religion? It’s not freakish and wrong enough. Keep up the good work, André — though if you were a real South Carolinian you’d spell it Andre’ — the e-apostrophe formulation being an especial badge of ignorance, like having a collection of angel figurines.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 14, 2010 at 3:34 pm

You know who else liked to touch little boys’ feet?

Could it be….

SATAN!

Geogre July 14, 2010 at 3:35 pm

This reminds me of “whitewashed tombs,” by the way.

Jesus washed the feet of his disciples to emphasize the point, in case they had missed it, that they were to serve, that the first shall be last and the last shall be first, that the whole duty is to serve the poor and the wretched. Bauer, like a literalist, washes some feet and pushes bills to make the poor poorer.

It’s not funny. It’s just the way that the “letter” people roll.

BobTheBuilder July 14, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Well, isn’t that special.

marioninnyc July 14, 2010 at 3:38 pm

This is some crazy shit. First, Nightline really has changed since Ted Koppel retired. Second, when did they hire Dana Carvey? But Andre Braugher is a hell of an actor though I think his talents were wasted in this rather unoriginal white-face sketch. Also where was the pay off — I mean all those hints that it was going into the Nambla/George Rekers territory, but it just faded out with the dumb gonna visit your mama stuff.

actor212 July 14, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Bet he takes a wide stance while washing them, too.

TrailerSpawned July 14, 2010 at 3:41 pm

You know who else washes their feet right before praying? Muslins. Just saying.

13ollocks To The Rules July 14, 2010 at 3:43 pm

It a barter system – he washes their feet, they carry his bags…..ew

Ducksworthy July 14, 2010 at 3:44 pm

Not fair. I was expecting the grey haired lady to be Al Franken from 10 years ago. Wait, maybe it was. I’l look again. More closely this time. This has to be some kind of comedy routine.

Baldar T Flagass July 14, 2010 at 3:45 pm

[re=617211]ArkansasFred[/re]: After he washes, dries, and shoes their feet, “Frank Pembleton” takes the kids into “The Box” and wrings a confession out of them. And then does the Superior Dance.

nappyduggs July 14, 2010 at 3:45 pm

What Jeebus did not say was “suffer the little children to come into me.” That is wrong and gross and horribly Republican in interpretation.

13ollocks To The Rules July 14, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Someone here needs a Pedo-cure….maybe George Rekers is available

user-of-owls July 14, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Hi Jack.

Just wanted to let you know that Wonkette has dropped back down from the top two spots on Google’s “Palin hookworm” search. So now you can hop up on your little chair and wave your merry little “JOURNALISM TAKES TIME!” mug singing, “We’re Numbers Three and Four! We’re Numbers Three and Four!”

Well done!

FunkyPalmettoBug July 14, 2010 at 3:48 pm

My state everyone…my state…

El Pinche July 14, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Why am I so turned on by this?

Ducksworthy July 14, 2010 at 3:51 pm

[re=617225]Geogre[/re]: Being nice to poor people is not the way to get to heaven. That would be called following mean you were following the the spirit of the thing. How you get to heaven see is through performing magical rituals, washing feet, muttering incantations, sitting in a pentangle. Wait. I seem to be getting southern christianity mixed up with something else.

chascates July 14, 2010 at 3:51 pm

[re=617219]Serolf Divad[/re]: So feeding children will cause them to breed? Which is something Andre may not be into.

El Pinche July 14, 2010 at 3:52 pm

[re=617249]user-of-owls[/re]: I saw some mumblings about Palin’s hookworms on Redstate. They deny it but Palin’s hookworms are real.

blackdontcrack July 14, 2010 at 3:53 pm

“It seems like the Lord has put him through all kinds of stuff”

So this Lord..that’s his boyfriend???

OzoneTom July 14, 2010 at 3:57 pm

He got the idea from that music teacher in “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.”

Jim89048 July 14, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Not that I’m brave enough/dumb enough to actually go and look, but I do wonder if they have a PayPal link somewhere.

Dashboard_Buddha July 14, 2010 at 4:07 pm

I was 25 seconds in before I realized it wasn’t a SNL or Mad TV skit.

Autochthon July 14, 2010 at 4:07 pm

OK…wtf?

ogradybt July 14, 2010 at 4:08 pm

If I like this on google reader I’ll get locked up, probably, so I’ll just say… noted.

Sgt. Biyatch July 14, 2010 at 4:08 pm

This video is scary.
Years ago, George W. Bush asked presciently, “is our children learning?” After the rash of stories out of South Carolina the last year or so, I think the answer, at least in South Carolina, is a resounding “no, they isn’t.” China, you can play through. We’ll be here for a while.

actor212 July 14, 2010 at 4:15 pm

[re=617262]blackdontcrack[/re]: The Lord is a top.

Geogre July 14, 2010 at 4:18 pm

[re=617257]Ducksworthy[/re]: The thing about the literalists, and they’re not confined to any region, is that they love loopholes.

My favorite was Jimmy Swaggart. He got a pro, had her fondle herself, and then masturbated. That way, he could claim the loophole against adultery! He was going to outsmart morality.

Andre Bauer is going to compare hungry children to wild animals, but then he’s going to do the technical “Christian thing” and say that he has fulfilled the letter of the law and sleep just fine at night. If he is gay, he probably has a high frottage, non-penetrative situation that he can rationalize out as being “not really gay.” Aside from the psychological corrosiveness, and the hypocrisy, it’s that sin again: pride. Jesus had a few things to say about pride, too. It’s not a virtue.

Joshua Norton July 14, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Dude. Hookworms are getting old. Not to mention gross. Let it go.

Neilist July 14, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Never mind that boring pedophile stuff.

What’s his position on fondling GUNS?

chascates July 14, 2010 at 4:30 pm

[re=617278]Jim89048[/re]: No, but you can support them via MasterCard or Visa:
http://www.dovebroadcasting.com/

<b<Keep Christian TV on the air!

Barrelhse July 14, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Holy fuckin’ balls.

maven July 14, 2010 at 4:38 pm

“do they know what’s coming up?” “no, I don’t think so” “do they ever resist?” “usually they’re tender, they’re shy, but then they open up”

Prommie July 14, 2010 at 4:40 pm

[re=617314]Geogre[/re]: Washing someone’s feet in conscious imitation of Jesus is such a presumptuously humble thing to do. Its making a direct comparison between your self and Jesus, its fucking arrogant, he’s way too proud of his humility.

Fucking self-congratulatory christians.

The Roman Catholic religion is the one I don’t practice, but I can summarize its basic teaching in a very very short phrase: God is so great he loves us (even though we suck.) Later in life I was exposed to some of the protestant sects, and they have a very different approach, for many of them, its “I’m so great that God loves me.” No fucking humility. These are the tough love people, and “hate the sin, love the sinner (while you execute him). Fucking retarded in politics, retarded in religion, retarded in everything. Pigfuckers.

chascates July 14, 2010 at 4:42 pm

When his career in politics is over he’ll probably be made head of some Christian orphanage. Until he’s finally arrested and gets life in prison.

Extemporanus July 14, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I find André Bauer’s shrimp shrimping shrimply shrimpressive!

chaste everywhere July 14, 2010 at 4:43 pm

“A lot of times these kids are very young people that haven’t had a lot of attention, that haven’t had a lot of love shown their way, that are sometimes neglected, that are sometimes just need someone to spend a little time with them.”
Textbook description of the kind of children sexual abusers look for.

Prommie July 14, 2010 at 4:43 pm

[re=617314]Geogre[/re]: Its kinda the biggest deep-level break between jewish and christian theology. Jewish theology is based on a covenant, a contract, between god and his people, the people do x, y, and z, and God is contractually obligated to protect them and bless them and do the god side of the agreement. Jesus, as a rule, despised those who diced words and looked for loopholes, and made it substance, not symbol, love, freely given and accepted, and not a complicated contract to be manipulated by the lawyers (pharisees).

PortlandSmartAss July 14, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Classic fundamentalist stupidity. “Hey dumbass Nite [sic] Line lady, you may have never heard of this before, but every Catholic Church in the world does this right before Easter.” And while I realize that you think all Catholics are going straight to hell because they’re not Baptists, can you think for a second or two before you open your big trap?

taylormattd July 14, 2010 at 4:46 pm

[re=617308]actor212[/re]: yeah, you know Andre can take it like a fuckin’ pro.

taylormattd July 14, 2010 at 4:47 pm

[re=617354]maven[/re]: GHAAAA. and YIKESS.

One Yield Regular July 14, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Has anyone called Child Protective Services yet? If somebody tried to wash my kid’s feet and thrust a bible at him in exchange for a promise of shoes, I’d have the cops down there faster than you could say “Jesus wept.”

the wiz July 14, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Sure they start with the feet

mumblyjoe July 14, 2010 at 5:12 pm

[re=617219]Serolf Divad[/re]: Well, yeah, but the foot-washing thing is in the Bible, dude. It’s not as though there’s a passage of the Bible that reads,

For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;

or anything like that.

predilectrix July 14, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Fucking christ, call Chris Hansen stat.

Meatmaker July 14, 2010 at 5:16 pm

Am I the only one who thinks Bauer looks like Rudolf Hess? cf
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rudolf_Hess_at_Nuremberg_prison.jpg

mumblyjoe July 14, 2010 at 5:20 pm

[re=617413]predilectrix[/re]: He’s already here

Katydid July 14, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Ah, I miss South Carolina TV. When I lived there, I used to watch a woman who had a show about getting fit for the lord. She would pray while exercising: “And Jesus loves you, two, three four, do your kegels for your husband and the lord, two, three, four…”

Mr Blifil July 14, 2010 at 5:41 pm

There can never be too many Johnsons for this dude.

predilectrix July 14, 2010 at 5:45 pm

[re=617416]Meatmaker[/re]: No, you’re not. Thanks for placing it.

predilectrix July 14, 2010 at 5:48 pm

[re=617425]mumblyjoe[/re]: Check! I was confusing your reference with DateNightline.

M Lite July 14, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Since she didn’t mention he’s Lt. Governor in the introduction, and because of the horribly dated sets and clothes, I assumed this was years old. The fact that it’s brand new moves this from the “that’s funny” category to the “Jesus Christ!!!!!!” category. Doesn’t he know that giving them shoes just makes them like animals, running around? I love how the parents neglect these poor children, but they still won’t let them get their Sunday shoes muddy. Let’s get his Mom on here, I REALLY REALLY want to hear from her!

mustardman July 14, 2010 at 6:23 pm

Looks like the church lady set from SNL. Same diff.

HedonismBot July 14, 2010 at 6:23 pm

Without actually watching the video (cuz who want to do that?) I can only assume the guy is being interviewed by Dana Carvey as the Church Lady.

HedonismBot July 14, 2010 at 6:30 pm

[re=617519]HedonismBot[/re]: I wrote that without actually reading the comments first, also. Obviously. Also.

Monsieur Grumpe July 14, 2010 at 6:54 pm

And for a “Praise the Lord!” he’ll use his tongue.

Hiking the Appalachian Trail July 14, 2010 at 8:11 pm

Um, I would just to say that having lived in South Carolina for most of Andre’s term as Lieutenant Governor, he is nearly impossible to avoid unless you live in a cave. He is always on television for driving too fast or crashing his plane or whatever. That woman hosting the show acted like she had no idea who she was. If she has lived in South Carolina for the last few years and is that clueless about Andre Bauer, well that says a lot about her.

Horselover Fat July 14, 2010 at 9:47 pm

If we form a big enough mob, do you think he’ll turn his daughters over to us?

Saint Ronald the Divine July 15, 2010 at 1:54 am

She’s right, Andre is “on fire” for the lord and the boys. By the way, Greenville makes Mayberry seem sophisticated ndcosmopolitan.

Geogre July 15, 2010 at 7:34 am

[re=617367]Prommie[/re]: Right, and the early Christian writing is all about “do not look at the letter, you idiots! It’s love, faith, and hope.”

I think your characterization of Protestantism is a reaction to a particular development of a particular group, actually. The earlier folks were pretty dour, but that, in fact, turned out to be a problem. The Puritans were famous for keeping “sin diaries.” They had a big dose of how worthless they were, but the problem with that was that it led to loads of despair and made people focus on avoiding sin, not practicing virtue. (In fact, I’d say that that’s still there: “I haven’t technically sinned” is all about worrying about sin instead of thinking about practicing virtue.) The groups you’ve met have a strange, and new, version of a doctrine where they believe “once saved, always saved,” and so, once they get “washed in the blood,” they are pre-forgiven.

It’s not that simple, in reality, but it is, as far as the practitioners are concerned, and so we see, people saying, as one really said to me, “When Jesus said let he without sin cast the first stone, that means people like me, because I’m washed of sin, and so he means that I should cast a stone.”

zhubajie July 15, 2010 at 8:18 am

Does he m*ast*b*te himself with said feet?

zhubajie July 15, 2010 at 8:33 am

[re=617404]mumblyjoe[/re]: The Bible’s got a lot of weird things in it, not just the kinky sex.

frailamerica July 15, 2010 at 9:15 am

Next on Nite Line: Making feet for children shoes.

peatardier July 15, 2010 at 10:11 am

Good lord!

And, does anyone else notice how much more Andre accentuates his Carolina accent while talking to the “church lady” as compared to when he is on the Rachel Maddow show? I guess he’s just trying to pick up some white southern conservative evangelical street cred in this environment.

Pandy July 15, 2010 at 11:18 am

[re=617225]Geogre[/re]: Exactly.

Prommie July 15, 2010 at 12:02 pm

[re=617746]Geogre[/re]: They were Calvinist-types. Predestination can make you pretty smug, was what I picked up from them. After all, there isn’t one of them that doesn’t think he or she is predestined for heaven, and what with worldly riches being considered a sign of God having chosen you, yup, “I’m so great, God loves me.”

I have also had a lot of exposure to just plain old fundamentalist, “bible-believin” christians of the “Jesus Camp” variety. Most of them are just fucking stupid. Oh, they fetish-ize the bible, make it into an idol, have no fucking clue what most of it means, its an emotionally immature personal thing, jesus is their very own personal boyfriend, and they loooooovvvveeeee to just say “jesus jesus jesus” all the time, between every two words they speak, “praise jesus, from whom all blessings flow,” they do it almost as much as I insert the word “fucking” between every two fucking words I fucking say. But they are simpletons, and only understand the literal and personal. The good, real americans, the common people, you know, morons.

J July 16, 2010 at 1:56 am

Nice to know Dana Carvey still gets work.

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