one toke over the line

Everybody’s Going To the U.S. Capitol To Get High

Our nation's czar of marijuana and muggings.There is nothing quite like an early summer morning around our nation’s Capitol, where happy families are wandering lost and smiling and snapping pictures and lining up for tours of the grand slave-built palace of democracy. But why are they so happy, when they’re wandering lost in the crushing heat and wilting humidity, and where even the promise of an air-conditioned cafeteria is marred by the very real possibility that a passing Republican member of Congress will jump on your little boy and bugger him right there, to stop Obamacare. The answer, as is often the case, is the constant recreational use of marijuana.

The Hill reports:

Tourists, visitors and staff undergo a strict screening process before entering the House and Senate and their respective office buildings, passing though metal detectors and an X-ray machine on the way. But in the past year and a half, police have stopped at least a dozen people who have entered the building with marijuana and other illegal drugs, including cocaine in one instance ….

The reports do not disclose the names of the people arrested, but a U.S. Capitol Police source familiar with some of the cases told The Hill that the majority of the alleged drug carriers were tourists.

Haha, the coke was in a lobbyist’s briefcase with an intended destination of a Chief of Staff’s nasal membranes.

But for the rest of you, the happy stoner families stumbling around the Capitol Visitors Center, please smoke your dope outside because otherwise the Capitol Police will arrest your ass and steal your chronic, the end. [The Hill via Wonkette operative "Matt N."]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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39 comments

  1. AngryBlakGuy

    …the funny thing is that, that is the same photo tea-baggers use when they say drug use is financing terrorism!

  2. ArkansasFred

    Don’t these kids know that the only thing worth “getting high” on is community service and participation in the political process?

    And speed.

  3. bluemoose

    Can we start giving it out at the door instead of taking it away?? Would make constituent meetings easier…

  4. AngryBlakGuy

    …obviousthe people caught with the weed are Dem’s, anyone caught with meth(not the crap Mexican stuff) are Rep’s and as for guy with the coke, that is a toss up!

  5. populucious

    I’ve always thought that people in Washington DC were just incredibly nice for being in a crime ravaged, tourist riddled urban area. Now it all comes clear.

  6. yellowdogdem

    [re=616927]ArkansasFred[/re]: Yes, indeed. I remember that song: “Community service and participation in the political process always makes me high.” Oh wait, I think it was rainy days and Sundays.

  7. Doglessliberal

    [re=616935]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: we missed you lately! Great to have you back. Are you, by any chance, an Iranian nuclear scientist?

  8. freakishlystrong

    by the very real possibility that a passing Republican member of Congress will jump on your little boy and bugger him right there, to stop Obamacare.

    Fuck, I’m done.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Once a few years ago I was temping in a rather large city and walked out to grab some lunch. Since I wanted to eat somewhere I hadn’t before, I ducked into a federal court building that had a cafe. I put my backpack down on the conveyor belt (wasn’t expecting security just to get to the cafe, but whatever) and watched the same monitor the security guard looked at as, to my horror, the x-ray machine displayed the contents therein, including a rather prominent bag of weed. As my backpack slid out from under the x-ray machine, the guard nodded to me and I picked it up and walked on, trying not to look like my knees had just turned to jelly. A few minutes later I was eating a crappy egg salad sandwich on white bread and thinking it was the most goddamn delicious thing I had ever had. Never went back there, though, and always checked my backpack before I went to work after that.

  10. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=616939]Doglessliberal[/re]: …damn it, who told you?! You must have seen my Youtube videos, didnt you?!?!?!

  11. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=616943]Doglessliberal[/re]: …probably not considering the fact that the rocky mountains is littered with hidden moon-shine distilleries and meth labs! America: LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT BABY!!!!

  12. Snarkalicious

    [re=616931]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: The only way to afford cocaine these days is via a bailout, so the smart money is on Hank Paulson.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    [re=616938]yellowdogdem[/re]: I’m not sure if that whirring sound is John Denver or Karen Carpenter, but at least one of ‘em is spinning in their grave.

    “Sunshine almost always makes me high” — John Denver
    “Rainy days and Mondays always get me down” — The Carpenters
    “I’m going to crawl off and die of embarrassment just for knowing that” — SayItWithWookies

  14. Doglessliberal

    [re=616952]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I already beat you to it with the John Denver.

    And that’s right, I was thinking it was sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy, but forgot the next line. Don’t die of embarassment about the Denver. That is OK. The Carptenters…ahem, but we love you anyway.

  15. Mad Brahms

    [re=616927]ArkansasFred[/re]: And you can pick up neighborhood litter so much faster on crank! Community service and methamphetamines: two great things that go great together.

  16. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=616942]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I once went through airline security with a small, disassembled pipe in my carry on that I had forgotten about until I was at the airport. They scanned it a few times (I also had a CD Player and batteries in there), and I was sure they were going to ask me about it, but then they let me through.

    All of this goes to show that if Al Qaeda really wanted to strike horror in the US, they should get through security with pot and get high. That will show the great Satan. It is sort of like what the Teabaggers do, except they do their meth before going through security.

  17. freakishlystrong

    [re=616939]Doglessliberal[/re]:[re=616945]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:Weird Dogless, I was thinking that as well, I was just laffing too hard at R’s buggering little boys to say it.


  18. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=616925]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Hey, what the hell, did they let you out of Summer Camp again??

  19. gertrudis

    [re=616929]bluemoose[/re]: I thought Johnnie Walker Black made constituent meetings go by faster. Bonus: makes Michele Bachmann’s speeches less screechy (only for listeners actually consuming Johnnie Walker, though).
    [re=616960]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: They haven’t tuned up the explosive sniffer machines to check for drugs either, several friends have assured me.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    [re=616958]Doglessliberal[/re]: My excuse is that my brain remembers a shockingly huge amount of stuff that I never even tried to retain — it’s like the grease trap at a cheap diner. I felt sorry for the poor bastard on Jeopardy last night who couldn’t remember that Alaska’s state flower is the forget-me-not — hell, I remember reading the story of the girl who won the contest to make Alaska’s flag — she made the stars five-pointed and yellow to be reminiscent of the forget-me-not — in fourth grade or so and that’s stuck with me ever since.

  21. Doglessliberal

    [re=616982]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I tis truly sad how much detritus is lodged in my brain like that. I cannot remember the name of someone I am talking to whom I just met seconds ago, but I can remember my phone number from 1985. Or that Joshua Chamberlain led the 20th Maine to defend Little Round Top in Gettysburg. I learned that in 9th grade. Why do I remember THAT?

  22. Extemporanus

    [re=616931]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Mr. Chappelle!

    Shoulda known that if any post was going to draw you out of seclusion, it would be one that hit the “D.C.-weed-slavery” Google Alert trifecta.

  23. weejee

    [re=617008]Extemporanus[/re]: I your moving avitar moving, or do I need to put down the bong?

  24. heathenish

    [re=616931]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: The lobbiest was just about the money they have no political affiliation, just money. and coke.

  25. Extemporanus

    [re=616942]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The same thing happened to me once, only instead of a courthouse, it was at the LAX international terminal security checkpoint. And instead of a bag of weed, it was a bag of weed, an 8-ball of coke, 20 tabs of “E”, and a ball of “Big O”. And instead of a backpack, it was my wife’s vagina.

    Or, as I like to call it, her “crappy egg salad sandwich on white bread”.

    [re=617024]weejee[/re]: I your no idea have what talking about.

  26. chascates

    If California legalizes pot most of America will move there and blow off DC. At least that’s my plan.

  27. sati demise

    [re=616960]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: yea, but if they got high they would have so much fun in America and forget about the blowing shit up

  28. sati demise

    [re=616952]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Tony Tenille lives in my town.
    Muscrat Love baby!

  29. sati demise

    [re=616925]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:getting a hole in one after a long layoff, dude.
    huzzah

  30. BlueStateLiberal

    Why bother visiting those lame-o tourist traps in the first place? There’s plenty to do and drink and smoke in D.C. without that. I recommend the Smithsonian, especially when you’re in an “elevated state.”

  31. swarm of bees

    [re=617361]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Everything there must be that much more amazing and remarkable.

    Holy shit, man, look at this American flag! It’s fucking huge! Is that the first one ever or what? I mean, look at it!! I fucking love America, man. This place has Kermit too?? I love him!! *start crying*

  32. mustardman

    [re=616925]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: But only because their corporate overlords haven’t figured out a way to make a profit from it yet.

    When Pfizer starts selling THC in a bottle. Repukes will be all for it!

  33. notreallyhelping

    So, man, I like walked over to the Lincoln Memorial ’cause it was hot, and I thought I’d sit down, do some shade, because this stuff was…Humboldt Country, okay? And I’m just hangin’, watchin’ the tourists sweat, and it was like, whoa, I had this…feelin’. Like I was bein’ watched. I probably was, cameras everywhere. Anyway I’m just like, oh you’re wasted, that’s all. But…man, I couldn’t shake it. And just about the time I was thinkin’, maybe I should go chill, get some AC, some suds or something and maybe play some…trucker song on the jukebox (six days on the road, and gonna get home–). Anyhow, I kind of look over my shoulder, just a little, and there’s Abe. Fuckin’ huge. Right, right? And he was just stone cold lookin’ at me. I swear. Just me. And then…no really…he…shit, he smiled, all right? Just a little bit. And I’m like, whew, gone! Buh-bye. I had to go listen to some congressional testimony just to calm down and numb up. Like white noise. Works every time. C-SPAN = Xanax.

    Never going back there. Seriously. Especially at night.

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