Tom Friedman went on vacation — surely you were rudderless in his absence! — and while he was sunnin’ and funnin’ the whole thing with the Russian spies broke. Since his return from vacay, Friedman has reflected on the issue (he is reflective!) and decided that it’s “actually a good news/bad news story” for America: good, because somebody still wants our secrets, but bad because it’s the Russians. “Who wants to be spied on by them?” he asks. Hey Tom Friedman, if the Russians are so wack, then how come you’re sporting that Joe Stalin mustache after all these years?
Anyway, Friedman will surely explain his ’tasche and its relevance to the Mexican/Basque/Liberian political systems in a future column. For now, it’s back to important work! Like cobbling together a bunch of quotes from economists, and listing all the countries his hirsute finger lands on when he spins his magic globe. Finland! Singapore! Hong Kong China! South Korea! Spies from those countries would be so much cooler than the Czarist Russian ones we’ve got. Certainly the hyper-integrated global marketplace can offer us more cutting-edge choices?
Were it not for oil, gas and mineral exports, Russia’s economy would be contracting even more than it has. Moscow’s most popular exports today are probably what they were under Khrushchev: vodka, Matryoshka dolls and Kalashnikov rifles. No, this whole spy story has the feel of one of those senior tennis tournaments — John McEnroe against Jimmy Connors, long after their primes — or maybe a rematch between Floyd Patterson and Sonny Liston in their 60s. You almost want to avert your eyes.
If Vlady Putin had a sense of humor, he would be all “ROFLMFAO-SKY” right about now, sending texts to his pals via Sputnik. But Putin just doesn’t GET it, says Friedman, speaking to us from the interconnected future.
Friedman feels really sorry for the pathetic Russian losers, though, and tries to help them out by offering a suggestion on how to spy on us better: just go to Washington and buy a cheap tourist guide (The best one is called This Book Is for Russian Spies Who Are Spying on America), and go to the places in that guide. It will tell you to visit the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence, and probably Ben’s Chili Bowl because there are highly classified spices in the food there.
Friedman also tells the Putineers to go to Silicon Valley or Boston, whichever, he doesn’t care, just go check out their scenes. Rent a car if you have to! And visit the Napa Valley, there’s secrets in every wine bottle. Tom Friedman and his globe always have a good time in those places. [New York Times]
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From the mouths of babes: My teenage daughter, an extremely bright kid, was given an excerpt to read from The Earth is Hot, Flat, and Tired, or whatever, and she really tried to read it. She handed it to me and said, WTF is this about? I can’t understand a word of it.
Took me 25 minutes and Google’s Tom Friedman-English dictionary to translate it for her. Turns out all it said was, “I’m Tom Friedman, and I can’t think or write for shit.”
anyone who’s ever played starcraft knows that the south korean spy ring is alive and well.
Tom Friedman, still flat and crowded. Hot? Not so much.
Tom Friedman probably thinks Tom Clancy writes nonfiction, that “The Spy Who Loved Me” is a documentary, and that just cold droppin’ irrelevant fact-nuggets in a column is an effective rhetorical device.
[re=616866]Katydid[/re]: Friedman addendum: “But I support US American war on Israel’s enemies everywhere forever, so I warrant space on the NYT op-ed page forever.”
Tom Fried-Man: The crankie cluck who came in from the cold.
It’s not like poverty stricken Roosha has 1000s of nookular weapons lying around. Or that under Pootin, they’re desperate to rebuild the empire they lost due to their own stupidity and communism. Or that Roosha’s chums with US America’s paymaster, China.
Nah. It’s all about those economic numbers because trade and money outweigh nationalism and fear/hatred/jealousy/greed.
Sounds like Tom still believes that the invisible hand of the free market gives everyone free handjobs.
All our national secrets are hidden in Tom Friedman columns where no one of importance will ever see them.
T’was for Friedman the word “assholio” was coined.
The Friedman ‘stache owes nothing to Comrade Stalin: it’s a straight up 70′s porn ‘stache. Tom, as you must know, is a mighty porn star in his own mind, the Peter North of op ed commentary, the Ron Jeremy of lightweight economic and political analysis. I hear there’s a bootleg sex tape circulating out there that goes by the title “Full Frontal Friedman.” Maybe some clever reader of these pages can post the torrent for your viewing pleasure.
No need to worry, the US is crawling with those sexy Mossad agents…
Well I wondered why the Earth had stopped rotating and we had a Total Eclipse. Now I know, Friedman was on vacation. Whew, I was really worried for a while. I cannot wait for his next column, Yawn. Someone please call the Pentagon and tell them to Stand Down.
[re=616881]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Tom Friedman is the perfect embodiment of present-day America: no knowledge whatsoever of history that serves as useful context for understanding current events. Also he is an enormous douchebag.
No, this whole spy story has the feel of one of those senior tennis tournaments — John McEnroe against Jimmy Connors, long after their primes — or maybe a rematch between Floyd Patterson and Sonny Liston in their 60s. You almost want to avert your eyes.
You’re off by only one layer of irony, you pissant overprivileged has-been. On the bright side, you’re exceeding expectations.
Hey Tom, I’ve got something for you:
http://internationaltrade.suite101.com/article.cfm/top_russian_exports_imports
“Of the $19.8 billion in American imports from Russia in 2006, the following product categories had the highest values.
1. Oil & other petroleum products …US$10 billion (50.5% of Russia to U.S. exports, up 25.2% from 2005)
2. Aluminum … $1.8 billion (9.3%, up 5.9%)
3. Semi-finished iron & steel products … $1.5 billion (7.7%, up 128.4%)”
So your guesses of “vodka, Matryoshka dolls and Kalashnikov rifles” were wrong; in fact none of them were in the top ten. And it took me about ten seconds to find! Maybe I can show you how to look this stuff up and avoid such embarrassment in the future?
Ahh, so Friedman is doing his master’s bidding and trying to downplay the Communist infiltration of our country.
Once again, Glen Beck was right. The NYT might as well just be a branch of Pravda.
In Russia, IT suck YOU!
Rule of thumb: Whatever Tom Friedman says, almost (but not quite) the opposite is true. He’s tricky like that. For instance, after reading this article, you can safely conclude that Russia is dangerous, it is diversifying its economy, and catching these spies represents a significant victory for the USA – but there are greater threats. These greater threats do not include Finland or Hong Kong.
Whatever it is, we’ll have a clearer idea in six months.
Mm-hmm but no alt text on the Friedman pie picture! Hooray for anti-climate change anarchists pie-ing NYT blowhards.
…“It will tell you to visit the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence, and probably Ben’s Chili Bowl because there are highly classified spices in the food there.”…What about the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices? That has to be considered a national secret!!! Ooops, never mind its already on the googles..
What a weird and irrelevant analogy considering Sonny Liston died before he even reached 40.
…I was highly disappointed when I heard that we caught Russian spies and we were gonna just give them back. Aren’t we suppose to strap them to a table and cut them in half with a laser? Or dangle them over a moat with live and unfed crocodiles or something?!?!!
[re=616881]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I’d settle for an invisible reach-around, as the free market vigorously fucks me.
Tom is reflective, eh? That’s his lizard skin shimmering in the incadescent lights.
Friedman doesn’t know shit about Russian exports, either, he left out mail-order brides, prostitutes, and tough as nails bookkeepers.
[re=616920]Prommie[/re]: The Invisible Reach-Around: isn’t that the forthcoming sequel to Hot, Flat, and Crowded?
[re=616896]crapshooter102[/re]: No, no, these signs and marvels you mention, the earth’s rotation ceasing, eclipses, these things will only happen in the unlikely event Tom Friedman is ever right about something.
WARNING: Gruesome video footage shows why everyone would be Pro-life if uteri had glass walls.
Friedman: “Do you expect me to talk?”
Putin: “No Mr. Friedman. I expect you to blather.”
[re=616900]JMP[/re]:
All that Russian aluminum arrives in the shape of Matryoshka dolls, actually.
[re=616915]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I just keep imagining the bad f’g day the spies had when they were told “We’re not prosecuting you here…we’re sending you back to Russia!” Not to a ticker tape parade I’m assuming.
Friedman Fingers Finland
[re=616866]Katydid[/re]: Yeah, see, good for her, because I’ve TAed kids who think he’s got *totally deep insights*. Easiest way to get your anthropology TAs to dislike you: start a comment with “Well, according to Thomas Friedman…”
But I mean, your comments always crack me up, so hopefully as apple-falling-from-tree things go, she’ll continue to be the kid in the back of the class rolling her eyes as the first kid goes on and on about golf courses and pizza huts and what not, the one we’re always looking for while trying to avoid giving up on The Yutes entirely.
[re=616900]JMP[/re]: Well, you gotta understand that this is the guy who thinks that America’s #1 export is “freedom”*. The real answer is “high-velocity shrapnel”.
*Though, to be sure, Freidman has difficulty distinguishing between “freedom” and “consumer brand recognition”.
[re=616948]populucious[/re]: Actually, from what I understand, they were guaranteed free apartments and a stipend of something like $1000 a month on their return, most of it to be spent on vodka / potatoes / potato vodka, I imagine.
WTF does he want? Chinese govt hackers to probe our govt and corp computer networks like Rocco set loose on some Ukrainian teen?
Friedman’s computer is probably one of the virus-infected bots for sale by Russian hackers.
[re=616966]lumpenprole[/re]: I’m waiting for the column that comes out of his discovery of being a member of a botnet. Something about the world being flat and connected and economies working together and we’re all a part and… oh, god.
Damn, Freidman, you act like Russia is still under Boris Yeltsin. They are a libertarian wonderland now, with some of the richest people that have ever existed on earth and the most expensive-to-live-in cities ever, no rules, no enforced regulation, organized crime, single women for sale, bootleg versions of everything, and millions of people so poor they will trade you their daughter for a cabbage. They even have malls – malls, Freidman – built to resemble actual American malls, and they are outside of town on private roads so that the riff raff can’t walk into them.
[re=616944]snideinplainsight[/re]: we have a winner.
Dear Lauri:
Thanks for the RUDDER.
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