Hollywood movies, Playstation 3, “life skills” classes, Skyping, book-learning, foosball: This is the stuff of ultimate pleasure, and the basic ingredients one needs to create their American dream. So why are the detainees at Guantanamo Bay and their scary beards now enjoying these fruits of USA! USA! innovation and delight? They deserve only AIM and old Dudley Moore movies, at best.
As Fox News reports, Obamar was supposed to close Gitmo six months ago — he even signed an executive order about it. But now it seems that he’s having too much fun running Gitmo as a pop culture indoctrination camp with lots of televisions and communist-sounding communal living to close it down:
At Camp 6, a minimum security facility within sight of bright Caribbean waters, detainees can now watch flatscreen TVs suspended from above (and encased in protective plastic) or attend classes on personal finance — all while their feet are chained to the floor.
At first, detainees were offered four channels via satellite television, but now detainees can choose from among 18 channels, including Al Jazeera English, a sports channel, and broadcasts focusing on Tunisia, Libya or Kuwait, according to McManus, who said “nature shows are very popular.”
That’s more channels than at least 47% of Americans can enjoy, thanks to rampant unemployment and poverty caused by Barry Hussein’s Muslinistic economic principles, says “a recent study.”
According to the camp “librarian,” the detainees “luuuuurve” the Twilight vampire movies, either because of Robert Pattinson’s seksi or because they are emotionally immature. More grown-up prisoners are totally digging the personal finance and English classes. And sporty spices get their kicks playing soccer, which has led to more injuries, which is probably costing the already overtaxed Vickis and Dons of Real America at least two cents apiece. Why can’t Vicki and Don enjoy government-issued Playstations 3 and buttered popcorn bowls? The bald eagle cries out for justice. [Fox News]
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I’ll go with emotionally immature, which makes them American by default.
They may have cable, but they only get the spinoff channels not the main ones.
Like Food Network: Halal, for example.
Lauri, you shouldn’t be afraid to follow your prose wherever it wants to take you.
If Bastille Day were not French real Amerikkkans could seize this occasion to attack the White House with their torches and pitchforks.
And here I voted for Obama thinking he was going to end the Bush pro-torture policies; but making them watch the Twilight films is worse than anything Cheney came up with. What’s next, a Batman & Robin and Battlefield Earth double bill?
Umm, personal finance courses? What are they teaching, how to find jihad-friendly mutual funds? Whether to invest your three rocks and C4-packed exploding vest in high-yield corporates or treasuries?
…geez, whatever happened to the good ‘ol days when waterboard them or used their genitals to put out cigarette butts?!
I also like the idea that their feet are chained to the floor while watching the flatscreen. We wouldn’t want them to start break-dancing when Honey with Jessica Alba comes on.
In your unfailing provincialism you’ve overlooked the Dudley Moore Codicil to the Geneva Conventions. Why can’t you hate AmeriKKKa like everyone else?
Well, if we’re going to keep people locked up without charging them with any crimes or giving them any semblance of a fair trial, we might as well give them flatscreens. It’s the least we can do.
You know what would be torture?
Forcing them to play games with an Atari 5200.
…just what we need, radicalized Muslims that watch Jerry Springer/Maury and are addicted “Twilight”! That sounds like a volatile combination if you ask me!
First, in general: what the fuck.
B, the original Bedazzled is very good indeed.
3rdly, no Americans are giving up their cable — they might be selling off their organs or digits or appendages, but you won’t get their remotes out of their pudgy-fingered hands.
and nextly, personal finance classes? really? Learn how to trade three cigarettes you’ve saved up to another inmate for $2.45 so you can get your overdue fines paid on that National Geographic special on the Imperiled Crocodiles of the Nile you had for over a week in your cell but couldn’t quite get around to returning it.
Or perhaps Obamar is just training them for life on the outside in USAmerica because he is planning on turning them loose in a key district in a swing state and giving them free citizenship in exchange for voting Democrat and breeding like rabbits.
[re=616771]ManchuCandidate[/re]: …do they have “Mass Effect 2″ in 4 bits?
Don’t show them “Pitch black” or “The Chronocles of Riddick”. We don’t want them to learn how to escape from Crematoria!
[re=616771]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Pong. Now that would be torture.
Now the guards turn the channel to the Jewish TV Network and take the batteries out of the remote. Hilarity ensues.
[re=616775]Norbert[/re]: The cable statistic probable just counts people who don’t pay for it.
[re=616771]ManchuCandidate[/re]: http://www.youtube.com/user/jamesnintendonerd?blend=1&ob=4#p/c/771AA9FA1D647C4A/19/AknyR-kRvLc
“Why can’t Vicki and Don enjoy government-issued Playstations 3 and buttered popcorn bowls?”
Because they’d never leave the house again.
Hey, if Barry really imposed Muslinistic economic policies, we’d be as rich as the Clampetts. Where can I sign up for a time share at this Gitmo?
needs moar pong
Of course they’re getting soccer injuries, what with their feet chained to the floor like that. That’s just stupid.
Vickis and Dons
The Real Murikans of the O.C., bitches.
Remember when the wingnuts were complaining during the Bush years that the terrists at Gitmo were getting treated too nicely?
Me neither.
I’m at home stuck watching the Godfather for the 60th time on the ION channel and these guys get to watch broadcasts focusing on Tunisia, Libya or Kuwait? WTF!
[re=616811]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]:
Hi, ho. This sounds awfully appealing, dunnit? I can almost picture a little lizard dressed in camo-drag on one of their fancy teevees, talkin’ bout “Gitmo- get more entertainment for your militant jargon and light treasons.”
There’s nothing that some gross American over-stimulation and that little reptile working together can’t sell. I’d want to go to there.
[re=616771]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
Could you play Ultima on one of those? Ultima rocked.
What, they don’t let them watch FOX News? Probably because even an adolescent Afhan farmer who’s been in a hole for five years without so much as a right of habeas corpus knows that channel is full of shit.
[re=616778]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:
No way. It could barely play Space Invaders.
[re=616785]JMP[/re]:
Exactly
[re=616843]Tommmcatt[/re]:
Ultima rocked, but no.
I hope the CIA remembers to delete the secret Al Queda messages hidden in Battlefield Earth. Like when John Travolta says: “This is Terl, your chief of security. Exterminate all man-animals at will, and happy hunting!” You don’t need to be a madrassa scholar to know that he’s really saying.
(NOTE: If any Gitmo detainees are reading this post, please ignore the secret message I just revealed.)
[re=616808]germansteel[/re]: Actually, yes, that was their one complaint about it. That we were giving them decent food that was respectful of their dietary restrictions and whatnot, and were giving them medical care at all, and the like.
Not that we were putting a lot of innocent teenagers in a life-destroying black hole for a decade, not the whole torture thing, not that thing where we refused to let people challenge their detention, but no, the fact that we were keeping the people in conditions that met the very minimum standards for human rights. So.
They watch al jazeera English? They are better informed than 99% of Americans.
Teabaggers are pissed because the FEMA death camps won’t be this nice.
[re=616808]germansteel[/re]: On a related note, I’m still sort of baffled by the fact that there is a “minimum security” section of Gitmo. Wasn’t the point of Gitmo that they were the hardest coldest terra-ists imaginable, and letting them even set foot on ‘murkin soil would kill us all?
It almost seems like Bush was making shit up, and that’s just not possible. Bush was a straight-shooter, unlike Obamar.
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