internet joke

Chuck Norris Is Hot On the Trail of Obama’s Boy Scout Conspiracy

Makes more sense than an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger at least.Martial artist and famed Mike Huckabee supporter Chuck Norris has some sort of column on WorldNetDaily, and in the past few weeks he has exposed Barack Obama’s secret hatred of the Boy Scouts. Obama, you see, refuses to acknowledge the Boy Scouts, who are apparently very important in public policy and global affairs, and he also refuses to attend their anniversary jamboree thing. BUT THAT IS JUST THE TIP OF ICEBERG.

Over the past months, a widely circulated e-mail has reported that President Obama is not signing Eagle Scout certificates, which only 4 to 5 percent of Boy Scouts attain. Categorically, Internet watchdog sites like Snopes.com and TruthOrFiction.com have classified the claims as “hogwash.” But I have found a steady stream of White House whitewashing when it comes to the Boy Scouts of America.

This is how “Part 1″ begins in this long “three-part series” of articles on this very important issue. Yesterday Norris published “Part 4,” and who knows how many parts there will be, as this conspiracy goes very deep. Don’t be surprised if things start to get tense by “Part 8″ and Norris has to give up words in favor of roundhouse kicks.

So why the tardiness? The BSA says the primary reason was due to an administrative delay authorizing the president’s signature – something they say occurs every time there’s a change in the presidency. Fascinating how I don’t recall any “administrative delay” with the host of presidential signatures on a wide variety of issues and legislation from Obamacare, further stem-cell research, additional federal liberties for abortions or increasing the U.S. debt to bailout banks, the car industry, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, etc.

VERY FASCINATING. WE ARE DROOLING OVER HERE.

But the real reason Obama seems to be dragging his feet is that he doesn’t want to be the honorary president of the Boy Scouts, something every U.S. president has done since Taft, according to Norris.

I suppose it’s also coincidental that Obama was unable to attend the 100th Anniversary Gala of the Boy Scouts of America in his own backyard (Washington, D.C.) on Feb. 9, 2010. Why? Because that evening he had his first national press conference! Is it just me, or would you have delayed the press conference to any other evening in February to attend this unique centennial celebration of one of the oldest and most influential boys’ organizations in U.S. history? How about at least a quick shout-out at the press conference? No such luck.

HMM, VERY COINCIDENTAL. It is so coincidental that a president would be busy. It’s almost as if he didn’t want to hang out with a bunch of 8-year-olds and their dads for a few hours. Chuck Norris hangs out with Boy Scouts all the time and even sends them recognition letters, he says, because he is hip and children know who he is and like him.

In “Part Two,” Norris notes how WorldNetDaily’s White House correspondent (WHAT?) asked Robert Gibbs about this Boy Scout thing. Gibbs pretended to not know what the reporter was talking about and brushed it aside by talking about his own son’s pinewood derby car. VERY INTERESTING.

President Obama became the honorary president of the BSA in March of 2009, and the White House didn’t even mention it. And ever since, any discussion or interactions with the BSA have been “don’t ask, don’t tell.” And how could they, since the president would then have to publicly acknowledge that, as honorary president of BSA, he affirmed the Scout Oath, belief and policies, which prohibit atheists and agnostics from membership, and “avowed” homosexuals from leadership roles?

As honorary president of the BSA, Obama swore to uphold the Scout Oath and Law, on his honor:

On my honor, I will do my best to keep myself morally straight.

On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country;

On my honor, I will do my best to obey the Scout Law …;

On my honor, I will do my best to help other people at all times.

On my honor, I will do my best to keep myself mentally awake.

One thing is certain: This is one more example of how Obama has difficulty following oaths. The other is: “I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. So help me God.”

BOOM SHAQ-A-LAQA! Chuck Norris just blew this whole thing wide open.

Just as Pontius Pilate washed his hands of any buy-in to Jesus’ execution, so the White House is continually whitewashing its connection and responsibility to the BSA. And just as Pontius Pilate’s action prompted us to question what good came from his position, so we wonder what good has come from Obama’s role as honorary president of BSA?

GOOD QUESTION, CHUCK. Nothing good has come from it. Because Obama has broken his Scout oath by associating with HOMOSEXUALS and AGNOSTICS and ATHEISTS.

Norris goes on and on:

I know, I know: I shouldn’t expect so much. After all, Obama is probably too busy trying to fix the economy, the border problems, the Gulf oil crisis and the Afghanistan war, right? Such is the case also with deadbeat dads across the country: too busy to support or do anything with their kids. Know what I mean? (Why don’t you try that explanation on the Scouts and see how well it goes over.)

YOU ARE A DEADBEAT, OBAMA. STOP SECRETLY HATING THE BOY SCOUTS AND REALIZE THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR JOB BEFORE THEY RESENT YOU AND TURN TO DRUGS, ALCOHOL, AND HOMOSEXUALITY. [Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4 via Wonkette operative "Michael"]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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144 comments

  1. Suds McKenzie

    I havent been this excited about a “part 8″ since R Kelly’s Trapped in a Closet.

  2. Carson

    “On my honor, I will do my best to keep myself mentally awake.”

    Jesus, Chuck! They’re all a bunch of Buddhists!

    On an unrelated note, are you still like 5’4″?

  3. Noonan

    [re=616417]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Chapter 9: Now pause the movie cause what I’m about to say to y’all is so damn twisted, not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man is a midget.

    That’s the winner.

  4. Gun-toting Progressive

    “…a widely circulated e-mail…” Someone alert AOL!!!

    Honestly, Chuck and Muhammed Ali are object lessons on how a profession involving multiple head trauma is hazardous to your long-term health. At least Ali only has to suffer from a Parkinson’s-like condition.

  5. mookworthjwilson

    Why is Chuck Norris obsessed with teenage boys and they organizations they are members of??? Hennggghhh???

  6. PabaBritannica

    I quit scouts once I got to 1st class because I didn’t like all the rules and regulations about camping. Why won’t the scouts govern themselves in a proper American way?

  7. fatherfigure

    Chuck Norris is like cool Uncle Eddie, who drives a Mustang dangerously and takes you out for burgers and guy talk on Wednesday nights because your dad left the state a few years back to be with his ‘real’ family.

  8. user-of-owls

    Just as Pontius Pilate washed his hands of any buy-in to Jesus’ execution, so the Wonkette is continually whitewashing its connection and responsibility to the PHC.

    Do the right thing, Jack. Bring the Palin Hookworm Conjecture out of the shadows.

  9. germansteel

    Don’t tell Norris that Lord Baden-Powell, the founder of the Boy Scouts, was as gay a dandy as Rush Limbaugh’s wedding entertainer.

  10. Redhead

    Oh noes! Obama won’t drop everything (you know, running a country and all) to spend as much time with an organization that harbors and facilitates (homosexual) child molestation – though not QUITE as often as the Catholic church – as Chuck Norris and other demented, drooling boy-diddlers would like. And Chuck Norris knows this, because those AOL chain e-mails told him so! Right after they told him about Obama’s secret nose-bone piercing that makes him an African witch doctor, and the other one that told him about Obama’s secret watermelon garden. Those things are NEVER wrong!

    PROTECT THE BOY DIDDLERS OF AMERICA, GOSH DURNIT!

  11. JMP

    Why isn’t the President devoting any of his time to an irrelevant little old-time, bigoted organization begun by a pedophile for easy access to young boys? Why not?

    I do like the irony of the scout’s oath to be “mentally awake” while only allowing kids who have their minds clouded by bronze-age mythology to join.

    At least the Girl Scouts aren’t bigoted like the boys, they make good cookies.

  12. the problem child

    Actually, I can see why the President might be a bit reluctant to be associated with a children’s paramilitary organization.

  13. One Yield Regular

    This is one hell of a way to go about trying to get yourself a regular column in “Boy’s Life.”

  14. slappypaddy

    i had a passing acquaintance with chuck norris nearly thirty years ago while he was working on a movie the crew of which i was helping keep lubricated with tequila, whisky, and beer. at that time, he did 1000 sit-ups every morning, and there was nowhere he went where he did not insist on being some focus of attention. his brain seemed to work, but it seems all these years later that too many sit-ups have pulled the blood away from it too often; however, none of the blood seems to have been pulled away from his ego.

  15. mumblyjoe

    Oh, sure, the fact that only 4-5% of Boy Scouts become Eagle scouts sounds interesting, until you realize that 10% are kicked out for being gay, and that another 15% are kicked out for being Commies or something, and most of the rest only joined in the first place because their absentee parents decided to use the BSA as proxy male bonding so they wouldn’t be stuck having to interact with the kid.

  16. actor212

    Fascinating how I don’t recall any “administrative delay” with the host of presidential signatures on a wide variety of issues and legislation from Obamacare, further stem-cell research, additional federal liberties for abortions or increasing the U.S. debt to bailout banks, the car industry, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, etc.

    So the BSA is now an arm of the government, like, say, the Hitler Youth?

    Thanks for the endorsement, Chuck!

  17. Noonan

    Also, the logic here, Chuck, is pretty bad.

    1.) Obama refuses to do anything to do with the BSA
    2.) Obama swore an oath as honorary president of the BSA
    3.) Obama refuses to do anything to do with the BSA
    4.) Obama broak his oath.

    If 1.) is true, then 2.) would not have occured and therefore 4.) could not be true.

  18. BlueStateLiberal

    I think we’re quickly approaching another teadtard loony week, as each day more teatards’ brain cells expire because of the summer heat. In the annual Wonkette tradition, I’ll celebrate on Friday by getting really drunk.

  19. Mad Brahms

    Still stumbling over the “WND White House correspondent” thing. What / who the hell?

  20. you didn't ask, but

    Just because this shrimpy doofus motherfucker has nothing better to do than follow the Boy Scouts doesn’t mean Obama doesn’t. Get a fucking life, has-been.

  21. weejee

    Chuckie has been fucking this chicken for some time. I tried to use this bit for troll bait yesterday, but the little trolly wouldn’t bite.

    Actually it is sad that in recent years the BSA has been hi-jacked by fundamentalist churches, and hence the rise in gay-baiting and religiosity.

    I’ve got to out myself. I have four sons who made the rank of Eagle Scout. Sob. And, sob, they’re all pinkos and voted for Obama. Sob, sob.

    Sorry Chuckie, you lying sack of shit, but you can kiss this Eagle family’s collective ass.

    BTW, Barry does ‘sign’ all the current Eagle Scout certificates. He were a Scout back in the day.

  22. FunkyPalmettoBug

    What’s next from WND? Obama didn’t put the seat down in the toilets on Air Force 1?

  23. SayItWithWookies

    [re=616450]Mad Brahms[/re]: That’s Les Kinsolving, the party clown who doesn’t make balloon animals. He’s been there forever, and has yet to ask a relevant question. Whenever the questions about Iraq lies, failure to anticipate discontent, lack of planning or anything else got too hot and heavy during the Dubya administration, Fleischer/McClellan/Perino would always cut away to Kinsolving for some out-of-right-field question in the hopes that it would so confuse the WH Press Corps that they’d forget about Dubya’s constant stream of fuckuppery.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lester_Kinsolving

  24. Mad Brahms

    [re=616448]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=616455]Noonan[/re]: You two tie for “pun-based post that made me laugh hardest” this afternoon.

    When did we get “additional civil liberties” for abortions? Also, thank you Chuck, for acknowledging that abortion rights do in fact fall into the category of “liberty”

  25. ph7

    Obama will attend once he successfully installs the New Black Panthers to manage the Boy Scouts.

  26. Lascauxcaveman

    Seriously? They let Taft be the Honorary President of the Boy Scouts? That kiddie diddler?

  27. Extemporanus

    [re=616440]GuyClinch[/re]: [re=616448]Extemporanus[/re]: What the fuck?! I’m a Webelo you?!

    Well, shit! Don’t I just look like a fuckin’ Tagalong? Hey, Guy, you wanna Do-si-do Samoa? ‘Cause I’d really like a chance to get eaten…

  28. sati demise

    [re=616447]Noonan[/re]: deductive reasoning win.

    Add this screed to the ‘Obama is a racist’ and ‘Obama does not love America’ file.

  29. imissopus

    Fascinating how I don’t recall any “administrative delay” with the host of presidential signatures on a wide variety of issues and legislation from Obamacare, further stem-cell research, additional federal liberties for abortions or increasing the U.S. debt to bailout banks, the car industry, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, etc.

    Yes, because those things he SIGNS PERSONALLY WITH HIS OWN HAND. Smaller bullshit like Eagle Scout certificates or holiday cards are done automatically by machine. Otherwise the president (any president) would spend all day every day signing shit like a washed-up athlete at a memorabilia show. Dumbass.

  30. comicbookguy

    “Categorically, Internet watchdog sites like Snopes.com and TruthOrFiction.com have classified the claims as hogwash. But I have found a steady stream of White House whitewashing”

    What does Snopes say about Chuck’s steady stream of whitewashing?

    That’s my favorite part: “This whole thing has been debunked multiple times, but I still get emails forwarded to me so it must be true.”

  31. An American in Toronto

    I bet you anything that being the honorary president of the Boy Scouts was the absolute highlight of Dubya’s eight years flushing this country down the toilet. He’d pass on a CIA daily briefing if he had the opportunity for s’mores and a Pinewood Derby race every time.

  32. rmjag

    [re=616427]PabaBritannica[/re]: i was a boy scout too ! i just ignored the camping rules ! i took along stolen bottles of my french grandfather’s homemade wine ! and his cigars ! and we vandalized stuff ! but i still made eagle scout ! in oregon

  33. weejee

    [re=616474]comicbookguy[/re]: ‘Zactly so. Sadly, much of the bandwidth of the Intertubes is filled with recycled horseshit. Like the early Vitter birther campaign pitch, if you repeat horseshit often enough, and loud enough, through the power of Jeebus it transmorgifies into the truth.

  34. SayItWithWookies

    I wonder if Chuck Norris believes that one must adhere to every principle of an organization that makes you its honorary president. Because if so, he is now the honorary president of the North American Foundation for Legal Weed, Hot Godless Interracial Threesomes and Eating the Rich. Congratulations, Mr. Norris, and I hope you can live up to our Foundation’s very high standards.

  35. Berkeley Bear

    I realize I risk ostracism for this, but I made Eagle back in 1987 (the glory apex of St. Ronnie/Iran Contra) and I don’t remember his name on shit. He may well have signed the stupid certificate, but I was much more into the medal, the patch, the plaque, the mother’s pin, the ring (yes, my folks popped for the ring, albeit the pewter/base metal and enamel version) and the declarations from various local politicians. The latter were actually signed rather than autopenned, which is probably the delay referred to by the BSA.

    By the way, the BSA sucks ass ever since the Mormons (also in the 80s) shifted it from a group that was basically deist and scared of even mentioning sex into an arm of the Religious Right. I was in a troop associated loosely to a Catholic church I didn’t attend, and my atheist father was one of our most active leaders (and someone no one wanted to piss off for fear he wouldn’t take everyone else’s kids off their hands on camping trips) so I didn’t notice it much locally. I’ve seen it get much worse, and that (plus the natural cruelty of children) is why my son with autism and a less than perfect church attendance record isn’t putting on the uniform any time soon.

  36. Zadig

    [re=616443]mumblyjoe[/re]: This. No offense to my fellow Eagle Scouts, but it seriously isn’t that fucking hard. Pretty much everyone I know who bothered to stick around through age 17 got their Eagle sooner or later.

  37. EdFlinstone

    This is a cry for help and it’s time the FDA stepped in and investigate the maker of Chuck’s toupee adhesive. Its creating severe brain damage. PS Chuck, it really looks good, its hardly noticeable, it looks natural like Frank Luntz’s shag rug hat.

  38. schlock and flaws

    [re=616459]weejee[/re]: BTW, Barry does ’sign’ all the current Eagle Scout certificates. He were a Scout back in the day.

    They have boy scouts in Kenya?

    buh-da-BUMP.

  39. Extemporanus

    [re=616431]bureaucrap[/re]: Keyboard Kommando Norris has had a bit of work done.

    [re=616463]Mad Brahms[/re]: [re=616455]Noonan[/re]: [re=616440]GuyClinch[/re]: Today, we are all so fucking high right now.

  40. Jukesgrrl

    [re=616459]weejee[/re]: “…in recent years the BSA has been hi-jacked by fundamentalist churches, and hence the rise in gay-baiting and religiosity.”

    It worked great with the United States Air Force, so why not try it with some other manly organizations?

    Personally, I’m interested in why these men (or I should say “people” … yeah, I’m talkin’ about YOU Caribou Barbie) are so obsessed with physical fitness, patriotism, codes of honor, survivalism, fire-arms, etc., yet are totally dependent on organizations and religions that dominate their lives. They want to be able to karate-chop a grizzly bear and eat him raw for dinner, but they can’t make a simple personal decision (like what clothes to put on in the morning) without relying on a system of behavior that someone else devised.

    Is there a merit badge for self-actualization? I didn’t think so.

  41. 4tehlulz

    >Just as Pontius Pilate washed his hands of any buy-in to Jesus’ execution, so the White House is continually whitewashing its connection and responsibility to the BSA.

    It’s nice that in our new communist society, Muslins like Obama can enjoy blood libel just like the Jews do.

  42. Berkeley Bear

    [re=616482]Zadig[/re]: I don’t know about that – I found if you didn’t get it by about 15 (my brother’s age when he made it, I was 14 and it completely pissed him off) the odds went way down because you might actually discover things like cars, girls (or boys), sports and the other trappings of life. I know I would have dropped out entirely once I started playing football and doing high school theater if I wasn’t just about to make Eagle.

    Plus, if you have a hardass committee that service project can be a bitch.

  43. GOPCrusher

    [re=616474]comicbookguy[/re]: One of the latest Tea Bagger internet meme is that Snopes and TruthOrFiction are nothing more than librul sites meant to discredit the Movement.
    The truth is meaningless to these people.

  44. TheWaltonFirm

    I love the idea of the “avowed” homosexual, as if Chuck is applying the mentality of oath taking to every aspect of life. I am drawing this to hilarious conclusions.

  45. smitallica

    Yes, won’t someone please come to the defense of this poor, helpless, discriminatory paramilitary dinosaur of an institution funded mostly by the Mormon Church!!

    And it was Bush that bailed out the banks, you washed-up fuckwad.

  46. Berkeley Bear

    [re=616484]schlock and flaws[/re]: Yeah, but they’re generally more heavily armed and fighting for the Sudanese People’s Liberation Army.

    It was, after all, the nubile “boy scouts” of Africa that inspired Baden Powell’s sweaty wet dreams – I mean, founding the Scouts at Brownsea.

  47. weejee

    [re=616484]schlock and flaws[/re]: Yeppers. And they taught them how to roast vertically challenged, Oklahoma-born kung fu fighters on the spit after lighting the fire using only 3 IEDs matches.

  48. Radiotherapy

    Personally, I could never get over the Hitler Youth vibe I got from the BSA. And as far as I can tell, Hai Karate Boy, was never a Boy Scout or even a Webelo Kommandant for his illegitimate kids either. So go break some bricks with your head on a reality show, you fuck.

  49. Hemp Dogbane

    In “Part 8″ Chuck joins with Mel Gibson in a cross post. Let the kicking begin.

  50. populucious

    Just as Pontius Pilate washed his hands of any buy-in to Jesus’ execution, so the White House is continually whitewashing its connection and responsibility to the BSA.

    So what I’m getting here is that Barack Obama personally handed the whole of the Boy Scouts of America over the Romans who have now crucified them all.

    Late certificates…Boy Scout Oath…Romans…bloody execution & murder…IMPEACH HIM. Yes, yes I see how that all logically follows.

  51. weejee

    [re=616491]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Your experience follows mine. At 15 to 16, or thereabouts, there are other things besides igloo camping in the mountains to catch a boy’s attention. Glad to see Bolschevik Eagles are not extinct.

  52. user-of-owls

    Last post of the day, right Jack? And, oops, there goes another day without so much as a peep about the Palin hookworm issue.

    Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my comments, you change the topic. I mean, I WON’T be ignored, Jack!

  53. FiftyAmeroBill

    In part 9 Chuck hurls a pine wood derby car at Obama’s head. Stay out of the BSA Obama! Stay out of the BSA Deadbeat! Keep your ugly athiestic goldbricking ass out of my jamboree!

  54. just pixels

    I take some comfort in the possibility that the President of the United States has not sworn an oath to uphold “Scout Law” including these disturbing statutes:

    213.7 Boys only

    256.3 Uniforms shall include a brown shirt

    385.1 Members born in Kenya must conceal their birth records against the possibility that 44 years later he can run for President in violation of the Constitution but in compliance with Scout Law which takes precedence.

    539.2 Boys only

  55. Way Cool Larry

    [re=616437]the problem child[/re]: and that is a good thing. Of course if Obama started taking leadership of the Boy Scouts, Norris would write a seven part series on Obama using the BSA as his personal version of the Nazi youth.

  56. rmjag

    [re=616491]Berkeley Bear[/re]: i made eagle before 14th b’day , my cousin was only 12 , one of the youngest . and yeah , it wasn’t all that hard . my best friend’s parents ‘helped’ him cheat his way to eagle glory . and it was very racist and bigoted all over . the adult leaders were all creepy .

  57. dijetlo

    [re=616450]Mad Brahms[/re]: I thought they took the male prostitutes press credentials away after he was caught giving Quick Karl a Cleveland Steamer in ‘W’s “sitiation room”?

  58. weejee

    [re=616487]Jukesgrrl[/re]: No, there is not a self-actualization merit badge. That said, you can have fun with the service project that [re=616491]Berkeley Bear[/re] mentioned. One of my sons, who at the time was in a troop in totally lily white Wonder Bread suburbia, did his service project at the seediest soup kitchen in Seattle. A number of the parents had almost an out-of-body experience joining their darlings down there with the hookers, addicts, thugs, and a client community with a somewhat darker general complexion. He knew damn well this would be very different get-together for a lot a people.

    bada bing

  59. Joe Biteme

    As an Eagle Scout myself, and on behalf of other Eagle Scouts, I’d like to take this opportunity to invite Chuck Norris to fuck himself. Also.

  60. justthisonce

    If you see Chuck Norris, he sees you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death. Or he’s frolicking with the Boy Scoots.

  61. Joshua Norton

    Geez. Good detecting work. Give Huck and Chuck each a day-glo Members Only jacket, and we’d have a kick-ass remake of Miami Vice, only way more gay.

  62. BobTheBuilder

    A moment of seriousness here. The Boy Scouts has a very regrettable, shortsighted national policy against openly gay leaders and scouts. However, it has about as much relevance to the typical Cub Scout pack and Boy Scout troop as the Catholic Church’s policy against birth control has to local parishes.

    Fuck Chuck.

  63. rmontcal

    >>in his own backyard (Washington, D.C.)

    Wait a minute, I thought Obama was from Kenya!??!

  64. Pat Pending

    My ex-boyfriend and his brother were both eagle scouts. Boyfriend was a gigantic freak, particularly in the area of knot-tying (not in the bondage way, in the securing items in the back of a pickup truck way) and properly packing a car trunk. His brother? Gigantic screaming nellie-queen gay, but also a libertarian jackass who would rail against welfare queens and niggers cuz he got mugged once.

  65. uncletravelingmatt

    I recently had to wait three days for a judge to sign off on an order. The official cover story was that he was absent to have knee surgery. I secretly suspect a Muslin plot to hijack family court. Must alert Chuck.

  66. Oldskool

    “Fascinating how I don’t recall…”

    Really Chuck? You fascinate yourself when you forget something? Lemme guess, you’re also amazed by shiny objects.

  67. HipHopOpotamus

    whitewashing? doesn’t he mean African-Africanwashing (Nobama’s not American)?

  68. Radiotherapy

    [re=616524]user-of-owls[/re]: Dude, the hill , under vitter comments. Go, man, go.

  69. JackDempsey

    “Just as Pontius Pilate washed his hands of any buy-in to Jesus’ execution, so the White House is continually whitewashing its connection and responsibility to the BSA.”

    Handwashing is a more sinister act as a rhetorical ploy than as an act in real life.
    If P. Pilate had symbolically brushed his teeth, the stock price of Proctor & Gamble would be half what it is now.

  70. user-of-owls

    I was in a BS Troop (Den? Coven?) 40+ years ago with Mom as Den Mother. We had a kid named Brian who must have been so wildly queer that my mother, no Shere Hite her, could see it when we were like 7 years old. Poor bastard followed the trajectory that way too many of his cohort do: verbally harassed in Jr. High; physically pummeled in HS and then, because it was the 80s of course, dead in his 20s of some virus that didn’t have a name yet. To think that my little working class town, with all its racist and homophobic warts, was more accepting…even by accident…than it might be today is really depressing.

  71. Radiotherapy

    [re=616536]JackDempsey[/re]: In reality though, something Chuckie does not deal with, handwashing is the primary infection control (including, but no limited too, palin hookworms). Something so effectively simple. The story of Dr. Semmelweis is obscure, yet one of the great achievements in all of medicine. Now back to our regularly scheduled programs.

  72. Gorillionaire

    Chuck, Chuck, CHUCK – were you even in the Boy Scouts? For one thing, we all called it “The Scouts” because hey, we were not mere boys, we were friggin 13 years old or something. Also, every camping trip and summer trip was not much more than a porn and beer and cigarette pile on, courtesy of the older kids and hell even some of the so called assistant scout masters. Dudes had friggin beat-off contests, racing one another to the finish, in summer camp cabins, and kept score cards. I saw some of the nastiest, most disgusting hairy hippy 70′s porn I will ever see in my life on camp trips, stuff I still wish I hadn’t even seen! I got my first taste of alcohol poisoning courtesy of some kind of homemade shit somebody smuggled in, and the scoutmaster was such a dumbass he just lectured us about not thoroughly cooking our fish. We chewed Skoal, tried to smoke cigars and crap, it was totally degenerate. Also, Chuck, a few days after my 17 birthday, I got my damn Eagle, whilst St. Ronnie Maximus was president of Iran, and my certificate sure didn’t have shit signed on it. I quit The Scouts not long afterward because I felt like such a goddamn nerd.

  73. user-of-owls

    [re=616533]Radiotherapy[/re]: Keep an eyelid open for a followup…if it wriggles through.

  74. Joe Biteme

    [re=616549]Gorillionaire[/re]: Here here, except for the jerk-off stuff, I think that had stopped by the late 80′s/early 90′s (at least in MY tent). Everything else is spot on.

  75. Darkness

    If a conservative addresses an issue of substance does their head explode? Do they melt like the wicked witch anointed with H20? Sadly we’ll never learn what happens. . .

  76. Jim89048

    I chose the Civil Air Patrol instead of BSA because of aircraft and marksmanship and shit, but let them catch you with just one joint, and you’re out of the club forever!

  77. Lono65

    “Such is the case also with deadbeat dads across the country: too busy to support or do anything with their kids. Know what I mean?”

    Yea, Chuck, I know what you mean…what you’re sayin’ is that them lazy shiftless negroes never take care of their kids. Amirite?

  78. arlopop

    Favorite Lord Baden Powell (scouting’s founder) quote:

    “Lay up all day. Read Mein Kampf. A wonderful book, with good ideas on education, health, propaganda, organization etc..”

    He added that he didn’t really admire Hitler – he preferred Mussolini.

    Some early scouting badges even had the swastika on them.

    Maybe THAT’S why Obama is keeping the love at home, eh Chuck?

  79. babsinbuffalo

    I hate to admit it, but I wrangled a very lively group of WEBELOS (“We be loyal scouts” to you uninitiated) in a European country quite a few years back. I let them “camp out” in my back yard , which was pretty much a sheep pasture, but I drew the line at taking them on real camping trips. I left that up to the menfolk. True story: My little darlings “camped out” at a monastery renown for it’s brew. My husband accompanied the young lads in my place, and I told him he absolutely could NOT take beer with him. He came home from the outing angrily reporting that he was the ONLY one who had to go but his beer from the monks!!!

  80. June Cleaver 2.0

    Gibbs deserves the kind of crazy conspiratorial questions he gets from WorldNetDaily each and every time he acknowledges them. Each and every time. I hope the next question is crazier than the previous one, and so on. Learn something from W. He ignored the New York Times.

  81. Buck1962

    [re=616435]SpenceRedux[/re]:

    Chuck Norris, massive pussy.
    Chuck Norris, massive pussy.
    Chuck Norris, massive pussy.

    Pretty much THIS.

  82. comicbookguy

    [re=616566]Lono65[/re]: It may be spelled “lazy shiftless negroes” but it’s pronounced “states rights”

  83. Radiotherapy

    [re=616556]Darkness[/re]: Check Vitter over by the hill , you may get an answer to your substantive question.

  84. Hopey dont play that game

    I’d like to add my voice to the “Bullshit” chorus. I found my Eagle certificate from 1985: no Ronald Reagan signature. Chuck Norris is a serious retard. Yes, Queen Sarah I was an Eagle scout and I just said retard. Now back to my beer.

  85. Zadig

    [re=616491]Berkeley Bear[/re]: My brother and I got our respective paperwork turned in literally days before we turned 18, but I guess our troop was weird. Anyway, my point was more that the “Only 5% of Scouts ever get Eagle” line really means “95% don’t fucking bother.”

  86. WIDTAP

    [re=616490]4tehlulz[/re]: Hey, don’t be putting down blood libel. I still haven’t forgive Italians for nailing Christ to the Cross. Damned Italians.

  87. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=616580]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: My guess is that Obama had Ronnie’s signature erased from your certificate. He’s that kind of horrible criminal.

  88. user-of-owls

    [re=616592]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Or that Haig slipped a bunch of Salvadoran death squad authorizations in with the Scout certificates.

    But probably your scenario. It’s more plausible.

  89. rmjag

    [re=616592]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: AND he erased teddy roosevelt’s signature from mine ! using kenyan voodoo !!! better call chuck with this scoop …..

  90. Mr Blifil

    Pontius PIlate gets a raw deal because in point of face, Jesus was sent here to die for our sins, so in a sense the whole deal was a bit of a farce, pre-arranged by the all-knowing Creator for some laffs. Pontius Pilate was a tiny pawn in a much larger game. Imagine the trouble had he picked Barrabus and allowed Jesus to live. That would have just motherfucking fucked up everything.

  91. KublaKant

    [re=616620]Mr Blifil[/re]: In my role playing version of the Gospel of Luke that is exactly what happened. The asshole playing Pilate shoots Jesus with an arrow and rolls a 20, then wants to spend the evening partying down with Barrabus and his criminal buddies. So I had the Jews storm the palace. Never mess with the PFJ.

  92. Neilist

    Once Again, Neilist Has To Educate You Liberal Commie Pinko SCUM:

    I give you . . . . The Silver Beaver Award:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silver_Beaver_Award

    [A judge I knew got one in Nevada, and invited all the attorneys he knew to the awards ceremony. Good thing it was in a casino, because if we hadn't all been Dead Drunk, we would have died choking trying to keep a straight face.]

  93. Snarkalicious

    [re=616620]Mr Blifil[/re]: Actually, he did. It was sort of a Bubba Ho-Tep thingy.

  94. widget09

    Just what is Barrack’s problem? Does’nt he realize that Chuck Norris defeated the Viet Cong and NVA single handedly, he also killed Osama Bin Laden, Yassir Arafat and Saddam Hussein. Chuck also personally defeated the German army, not only once, but TWICE! Chuck Norris is a LEGEND (in his own mind).

  95. Hopey dont play that game

    [re=616592]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Oh my god! Now that I am sober I realize I was wrong. I am actually holding Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate! I will sell it for 1 million cash to any organization that wants absolute proof that he is not a US citizen. Disclaimer: no refunds and no guarantee of authenticity.

  96. Oblios Cap

    [re=616508]user-of-owls[/re]:

    And, oops, there goes another day without so much as a peeppoop about the Palin hookworm issue.

    Fixed.

  97. Oblios Cap

    testing

    And, oops, there goes another day without so much as a peep poop about the Palin hookworm issue.

  98. McDuff

    I recall at the 1972 National Jamboree, Nixon didn’t come to give a speech, seems he was busy with the cover-up of some Third Rate Burglary. Instead we got the Deputy Secretary of the Navy — talk about disrespect!

  99. Oblios Cap

    [re=616687]Baldar T Flagass[/re]:

    Brown shirts, obsession with cleanliness, always prepared?

  100. Oblios Cap

    [re=616513]rmjag[/re]:

    . the adult leaders were all creepy .

    I’ve got one of those as a coworker. Creepy is putting it mildly – every time they bust pedos around here, we all expect to see his name.

    We’re laughing our ass off behind his back at these comments.

  101. brunocognetti

    I attained the rank of Eagle Scout in the early days of the Bush presidency. His name did not appear on my certificate.

    where was chuck when I needed him?!?!

  102. Buck1962

    From a Daily Kos article, regarding a CBS poll on our economy:

    “Most also say President Obama has spent too little time on the economy, which Americans cite as the country’s most important problem by a wide margin.”

    Chuck Norris – short on height, short on brains?

  103. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=616634]Neilist[/re]: We used to give away a similar award at my all girls’ school, but for different reasons.

  104. seriously

    waht are the rightwing nuts smoking these days? don’t they have a better way to use their idle time,hunting communists or something? Chuck Norris had his moment of glory and now all he can do is moan and groan about something so trivial? if he doesn’t respect President Obama,at least repect the office.rightwingers sure have a hard time telling the truth!

  105. PlanetWingnuta

    wasn’t this the guy who made the movie “good guys wear black” i guess he didnt mean black skin

Comments are closed.