Former Nixon CREEP And Baseball-Player Buyer George Steinbrenner Dies of Dick Cheney’s Disease

  capitalism sheds a tear

Great, now there will probably have to be a stupid moment of silence at the All-Star Game.New York Yankees owner Geroge Steinbrenner keeled over and died of a heart attack this morning to the amusement of baseball fans everywhere. He was 80 in terms of human-years and is best remembered for breaking the hearts of children across the country for decades by taking their favorite players and giving them ridiculous amounts of money to become his clean-cut Yankee wage slaves. Now poltical outlets are required to tell you what this man had to do with politics. Oh, he illegally funneled money to Richard Nixon’s re-election campaign. And sometimes he gave other politicians money, legally, to make them his Yankees.

Steinbrenner, who died today at age 80, pleaded guilty in 1974 to a felony conspiracy charge (and a misdemeanor accessory after the fact count) stemming from his illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s reelection campaign. Before admitting his criminal behavior, Steinbrenner offered, through attorney Edward Bennett Williams, to provide Watergate Special Prosecution Force lawyers with testimony about other illegal donations to Nixon, as well as the sale of ambassadorships. Williams told investigators that Steinbrenner “had intended to obtain an ambassadorship for someone else” in return for funneling money to the Committee to Reelect the President, or CREEP.

Cool beans. You mean you can’t buy ambassadorships the same way you buy outfielders?

This story had a happy ending. Ronald Reagan pardoned him, of course.

According to this article, Steinbrenner hated being associated with Nixon and actually thought of himself as a “Ted Kennedy Democrat,” which is apparently a kind of Democrat somebody would want to be. And which apparently means giving lots of money to Democrats running for Congress, Republicans running for president, and any politician from New York or Florida.

In the past decade, Steinbrenner gave $6,300 to Sen. Charles Schumer and $9,600 to Rep. Charles Rangel. He also donated $2,300 to Hillary Clinton’s 2008 presidential campaign. Florida Sen. Bill Nelson was another of his favorites, to judge from his giving.

Alright. And so this is surprising from Schumer:

“Like New York and like the Yankees, George Steinbrenner was a champion. He was someone about whom you can truly say that there will never be another one like him. When he bought the Yankees in 1973 the franchise was moribund and he quickly restored them to greatness. I, along with millions of Yankees fans, am thankful for the countless hours of joy we have experienced watching his team at the Stadium or following them on television and radio. He was a true New York icon. My condolences and best wishes go out to the Steinbrenners and the entire Yankee family.”

Yes, you can truly say there will never be another one like him. Thank God. [Smoking Gun/Salon/NY Daily News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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51 comments

  1. slappypaddy

    the yankees won the war. anybody got a problem with that?

    (love that hat. it’s giving me flashbacks.)

  2. pub_option

    How many funeral directors will the Steinbrenners hire and fire (and possibly reinstate) before George is buried?

  3. madirishman

    Heaven doesn’t want him, and hell is afraid he’ll take over and build another Yankee Stadium there. Rest in peace, George.

  4. slappypaddy

    [re=616228]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: he would not, but he might be allowed underneath one.

  5. Judas Peckerwood

    I would never have wished the man dead, but I’m sure as hell not wishing him back alive, either.

  6. St.SarahOfThePO

    Isn’t he that guy from “Seinfeld”?? No greater loss, in the history of the world, has ever been suffered. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be front-page newz. Right?

  7. DemmeFatale

    Oh, George (there’s no such thing as bad publicity) Steinbrenner!

    (I know I’m old, but Justin Bieber? Huh?)

  8. President Beeblebrox

    …which apparently means giving lots of money to Democrats running for Congress, Republicans running for president, and any politician from New York or Florida.

    Indeed. Giving lots of money to New York politicians is a sure-fire way to Get What You Want, even if What You Want is a gigantic mausoleum-like, taxpayer-funded baseball stadium.

  9. mumblyjoe

    WHY DOES WONKETTE HATE FREE SPEECH AS RECENTLY REDEFINED BY THE ROBERTS COURT SO MUCH

  10. sati demise

    His estate will own zero taxes. Zero. Now that is just damn fortunate fickle fate.

  11. Jim89048

    My theory is that he died of a broken heart, not being able to buy famous athlete LeBron James.

  12. CivicHoliday

    I hope he haunts the new stadium for the next 50 years and curses the Yanks with a Cubs-esque playoff record FAIL

  13. Darkness

    in return for funneling money to the Committee to Reelect the President, or CREEP.

    Oh, Karl Rove, weep and rend your garments that you will never equal this virtuoso level of political creepiness. You’re just a wannabe hack, foisting black babies on tortured veterans, ya’ loser.

  14. gurukalehuru

    Sorry, guys, I don’t feel the hate. He was 80 and he died. He was just a baseball team owner, and I think baseball owners are supposed to be dicks. It’s their natural role in the universe.

    As for the industries weird hiring practices, which do seem like a form of slavery albeit slavery with millions of dollars, nice homes, flash cars and all the nookie they can handle, it wasn’t invented by Steinbrenner

  15. BarackMyWorld

    Hey, remember that time Steinbrenner fired __________________? Or what about the time he stole ______________ away from the _____________ and got him to play for the Yankees?

  16. vendetta

    [re=616280]sati demise[/re]: I’ve been waiting to read this somewhere, but I guess it’s to soon to start saying how lucky it is the family won’t have to sell the team.

  17. BklynIlluminati

    My eternal love for my Yankees allows me to have an irrational love for all things Yankee. George most of all because his bucks made every Yankee fan feel the love and allowed us to have outrageous squads that laid waste to the rest of baseball and especially stepping on the neck of Red sox nation. So to you my beloved Boss godspeed bless his passing and may the haters and especially red sox fans eat a bag of dead Shea rat dicks.

  18. Extemporanus

    [re=616230]pub_option[/re]: Always fire other people’s funeral directors — otherwise, they won’t fire yours.

  19. Jim89048

    [re=616280]sati demise[/re]: Another family farm, saved from the evil soshulist usurper.

  20. FMA

    [re=616390]BklynIlluminati[/re]: I am not a member of Red Sox nation and pretty much hate the Sox and the Yankees equally. But I just want to say to you, my friend, 2004.

  21. JackDempsey

    What a tragedy for the Steinbrenner family, which had only recently re-ordered a 10-month supply of piss and vinegar.

  22. GOPCrusher

    [re=616235]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I asked that question earlier today. The overwhelming response has been “Are you sure that they are in the same place?”. George, you will not be missed.

  23. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=616446]rocktonsammy[/re]: Silly mortal. Dick Cheney cannot die. He will simply respawn in the body of a forsaken orphan, born to a she-wolf.

    It’s in the Bible, people!

  24. Surfeit O'Hubris

    If you’ve ever wanted to see fellatio performed on a dead man for hours on end, ESPN is definitely must-see TV this evening!

  25. Mr Blifil

    Hey George, thanks for selling all the good seats to accountants and middle-men at giant impersonal corporations, where they were free to act like assholes on shore leave while the rest of us could no longer get close enough to the field of play to give a shit about what happened on it. Let us praise George Steinbrenner, the original murderer of baseball. Looking forward to Reggie Jackson’s eulogy, I will say that…

  26. Geogre

    It’s strange… we simply seem unable to escape CREEP. Its participants, and obviously its tactics and self-righteousness, have never been more popular, even when dead. Only Segetti seems to have missed the gravy train.

  27. Snarko Marx

    As a lifelong Red Sox fan I can’t help but wonder if George is in hell right now trying to sign Ty Cobb for the Yanks. If they change the rules so that dead evil players from the netherworld can be on the active roster Dustin Pedroia had better watch out for the high spikes sliding into second.

  28. pat robertsons personal trainer

    [re=616283]Jim89048[/re]: after Harvey Pekar, that’s two people LeBron’s killed in the last six days.

  29. crcombine

    It’s just too bad that he couldn’t have taken a couple of other sports team owners/pricks with him. My votes would have been for Art Modell and Jerry Jones.

Comments are closed.