When will you people realize that American Congresslady Michelle Bachmann (R-Gumdroptopia) is always right? The liberal Internets are currently going nuts over this latest gem of a Michele Bachmann moment, in which she discusses her knowledge/philosophy of slavery.
From the Colorado Independent:
“We are determined to live free or not at all. And we are resolved that posterity shall never reproach us with having brought slaves into the world,” Bachmann read from founding father John Jay, ending her reading with the statement, “We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.”
The thing that the hysterical grandmas over at The Politico and Huffington Post, etc., are missing is that Michele Bachmann is correct, as usual.
We all remember the affordable health care brutally imposed upon America’s slaves of African origin back in, whatever, the year 33 A.D., the year our country was born on the cross. Sojourner Truth spoke often and frequently of the evilly cost-effective mammograms she was forced to endure during her many years as a slave. As Truth declared in her famous 1851 speech, Ain’t I A Woman: “I am so glad I am free, because if I were not, someone would try to take my temperature when I had a fever, and also not charge me, this would be against God’s will, obviously.”
Far more recently, Toni Morrison stirred our nation’s memory and, ultimately, its conscience when she wrote in her Pulitzer Prize-winning novel Beloved, “There was imprinted upon her shoulders memories of the greatest burden any woman could bear; the burden of knowing that one day affordable Pap smears would be offered to her great-great granddaughters. Now here I will add something about molestation, because it is my favorite Literary Device and I cannot write a book without it.”
But probably it was Phyllis Wheatley, a slave and America’s first famous poet of African descent, who put it best in her legendary poem, “On Being Brought from Africa to America”:
‘Twas mercy brought me from my pagan land,
Taught my beknighted soul to understand
That there’s a God, that there’s a Savior too:
Once I redemption neither sought nor knew.
Some view our sable race with scornful eye,
‘Their color is a diabolic dye.’
Remember Christians; Negroes, black as Cain,
Michele Bachmann is an asshole.
{ 97 comments }
Who’s the new writer? This piece was outstanding!
Blingee needs moar starfish.
Ms. Wheatley was far ahead of her time. Even back in the day she knew that Michelle IS an asshole. Amazing.
This is so funny. Thanks to this I now have to clean coffee off of my computer screen.
[re=615916]Jimb[/re]: Sara Benincasa, who, in addition to being smart and funny, is beautiful beyond words. (Check’s in the main, right Sara?)
Michele Bachmann has now officially out-crazied Florida’s Kitty Harris, and is closing in on Caribou Barbie.
[re=615923]FMA[/re]: “mail,” dumbass.
I would prefer if Michelle did not live at all, since that is one of the alternatives apparently on offer.
I also find it interesting that when she makes her eyes smaller her teeth grow bigger.
Michelle Bachman, white female Kunta Kinte.
Dear George Orwell: Please revise.
Why the fuck do all these Repub women sound like Ann Coulter did 10 years ago? At least she was being cynical. Now we get dumb (snowbilly) and crazy (this skank who tried to tongue-kiss W on the house floor). Even Nooningtonshireham was fucking sober once (I hear). This is some devolution shit. The fuck?
Dear Charles Darwin: Please revise.
Since both Bachmann and Jesse Jackson brought up slavery this week, they should fight a caged match to determine once and for all whether affordable healthcare or earning millions of dollars playing in the NBS is modern day slavery.
(Can’t there be a new Godwin’s Law regarding the use of the words slave and slavery?)
Yes Michelle, free health care is slavery, just as war is needed for peace and ignorance of the facts is strength; it sounds like someone read 1984 and thought you were supposed to like Big Brother.
There are these words in our language which express the logical relationship of one thing to another thing, these words allow us to make meaningful observations about cause and effect. And then, we have phrases like this one: “would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.”
What does this mean? “what has transpired into turning?”
What passes for the expression of some relationship between things and ideas, for these people, is to simply juxtapose the two things, for example, Obama, and fascism, with some vague-sounding words between them, apparently somehow implying causation or some other logical operative.
Please!!! Don’t let her get the invulnerability star!!!
George Steinbrenner, owner of the NY Yanques, read Michele’s remarks and keeled over dead from a heart attack.
Sarah, you forgot to mention how Obama’s Slave Czar (Lincoln) gave all the illegal slaves an amnesty so they could vote for the Democrat party.
As it says on the famous memorial stone in Harper’s Ferry:
That this nation might have a new birth of freedom, that slavery should be removed forever from American soil, John Brown and his 21 men gave their lives, and Michelle Bachmann gave her interviews.
“We are determined to live free or not at all”
Sigh*. Oh silly Shelly. You wouldn’t be able to utter that complete claptrap were you not “free”. But I like the “not at all” part of that. Yes, that’ll do pig, that’ll do
[re=615936]weejee[/re]: Many will cheer this, but you know, the fact is, your better off with the Steinbrenner you know than the Steunbrenner you don’t know.
The headline, it should read “Michelle Bachman is transpiring toward turning to your new Emancipation Proclamation, or not at all.”
You gotta hand it to her, she totally gets what my ancestors went through. All that health care. Such a tragedy.
From the article, this is the “tyranny” and “slavery” the crazy lady opposes:
“called for the privatization of social security for those under 55, as well as the elimination of the capital gains tax, estate tax, alternative minimum tax, and the reduction of taxes to 20 percent for individual income and 9 percent for businesses”
So we must stop the tyranny of making the rich pay, well not their fair share, far below it actually, but at least something on their stocks and windfall inheritances; not being destitute when we retire; and still more taxes. These people seem to really believe this taxation is tyranny nonsense they like to spew; how can someone be that out of touch with reality?
The satire in this post is sharp enough that it will be quoted as serious on a right wing blog.
you didn’t ask, but: Dear Charles Darwin: Please revise.
Are we not men? We are devo.
Re: Steinbrenner. Shouldn’t change things much re the Yankees; his sons have been running things since 2006 and word is they are just as big a dicks as Dear Pa-Pah.
The Crazy Botch is 9 points in the lead.
http://www.startribune.com/politics/national/98289394.html?elr=KArksUUUoDEy3LGDiO7aiU
Ugh!
MEMO
TO: M Bachmann
FROM: Actor212
It may not have come to your attention, you feebleminded moronic retard, but most Americans ARE slaves already to their credit card and mortgage companies, thanks to the asshats on your side of the aisle who “reformed” bankruptcy by passing a law the banks wanted.
Have a nice day, dickhead!
If Michelle is going to live free, or not at all, and if the last eighteen months “have transpired” (an homage to the Great Passive Possum) to “make” her not free, then she must stop living.
She also will need help for all the tubal ligations that her program will require for “not bringing slaves into the world.” A government assistance program for the purpose would probably be in order.
[re=615943]JMP[/re]: These people seem to really believe this taxation is tyranny nonsense they like to spew; how can someone be that out of touch with reality?
You are savvy and I enjoy your posts. Can you please give me an example of one, just one of these wingnuts who has even a passing relationship with reality?
[re=615939]Prommie[/re], there is always the issue of the unknown. But as [re=615948]Baldar T Flagass[/re] notes, the sons have been doing the day-to-day. But when George was in the Yankee’s stagecoach driver’s box, he could keep the lads in the yoke pulling in the same direction. Not that those reins have been dropped, perhaps there may be clearer indications of differences ‘tween Hank & Hal on whether to go left, right, or straight ahead. Just sayin’ (& prayin’)…@*&(#% MFYs…mutter, mutter.
“And we are resolved that posterity shall never reproach us with having brought slaves into the world.” WTF does this mean? She is going to travel into the future and try to convince people that enslaving people wasn’t one of the suckiest, nastiest things people can do to each other?
The is piece was so brilliant it made me fearful of an arms race between right-wing batshit insanity and wonkette hyperbolic sarcasm.
[re=615943]JMP[/re]: You have to understand that in Michele’s religion, anti-christianity, wealth is a sign of their gawd’s favor, especially if it is derived from fraud or corruption. If fraud and corruption showers you with money you are especially blessed. Anti-christians are explicitly exempt from the beatitudes as well as all tax and racketeering laws. Therefore taxing rich people is against gawd’s will. And that “render unto Caesar” crap? That’s for poor people and other suckers.
[re=615952]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: There’s no such thing as bad publicity. This translates to, Bachmann expresses concern about slavery; her opponent does not.
Minnesota used to bring to mind Hubert Humphrey. Now, centuries later, it brings to mind:
Michele Bachmann
Jesse Ventura
The state Anna Wintour said people there are built like little houses
Minnesota, this is not progress.
[re=615936]weejee[/re]: Is it wrong of me for reading the news, and reacting, “Finally! Now, the rest you assholes will finally have just the slightest inkling of sympathy for our Yankees, if only for this one day!”
I mean, it’s probably wrong in the sense of not actually being correct, because everyone hates the Yanks all the time, but.
She’s obviouls a victim of the hookworm infestation. Layin with the Palin will do that.
[re=615952]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Good thing you and I live so close to the socialist haven of Canadiastan. Are you going to make a run for the border when Pres. Moosefart is inaugurated?
[re=615967]mumblyjoe[/re]: It it the 12th of Never? Have Satan’s water pipes froze?
[re=615969]Oblios Cap[/re]: Dear god, it’s made the leap into the lower 48! This was indicated in some of the model runs by staff epidemiologists at PalinHookwormConjecturePAC, but the onset so quickly was not predicted. In retrospect, the high probability of anal-oral contact between vector (Patient Zero) and recipient should have set off alarm bells. Now our only hope is that the Palin hookworm is only able to reproduce in near arctic climates. Otherwise, we face a public health catastrophe.
Great piece Sara – simply brilliant!
[re=615970]jodyleek[/re]:
I hear the beer is free up there. I’m keeping my bags packed along with a sizable quantity of maple syrup (for bribing the border guards) just in case the wingnutz take over. We can call the path to Canadiastan the Underground Light Rail.
[re=615956]freakishlystrong[/re]: Oh, there don’t seem to be any. It’s just that anyone being that so far out of touch is still somewhat shocking; it’s a wonder that they still know how to breathe.
[re=615963]Ducksworthy[/re]: It’s all that asshole John Calvin’s fault; fuck his corpse.
[re=615966]ella[/re]: At least they’ve given us Al Franken, too.
[re=615967]mumblyjoe[/re]: Now, I have sympathy for the Yankees sometimes; namely when they’re playing the Red Sox, the only team in baseball more obnoxious than them.
Sara Benincasa = Doug Piranha
/obscure?
This is so good!
[re=615933]JMP[/re]: What is this free health care you speak of? I thought all we got was the opportunity to buy reasonably affordable health insurance regardless of pre-existing conditions, and the requirement that we buy it. Personally, I could go for some of that free health care slavery that Michelle is imagining.
Michele thinks class war and race war are two great tastes that taste great together
And from the Confessions of Nat Turner:
“And about this time I had a vision – and I saw white spirits and black spirits engaged in battle, and the sun was darkened – the thunder rolled in the Heavens, and blood flowed in streams – and I heard a voice saying, “Surely, your medical savings account, intact in it’s .0075% interest rate, shall protect ye from the swelling tides of medical inflation.”
Guess which character on the Mandingo poster she envisions herself as?
Sara–you omitted Randy Newman’s famous diatribe on slavery:
In America you’ll have food to eat,
won’t have to run through the jungle and scuff up your feet,
just have to listen to Bachman and her crazy talk,
and not pay any money when you go to the doc.
It’s great to be an Amurrikan.
Sail away, sail away, etc. etc.
Sara, you deserve a Pulitzer for this one.
Love,
proudgrampa
xoxoxoxoxoxo
[re=615956]freakishlystrong[/re]: [re=615980]JMP[/re]: To be fair, the rightwing nuts in my area do seem to have a grasp on how to pay for copious amounts of fast food, judging from their appearances.
[re=615931]you didn’t ask, but[/re]: Republicans don’t want evolution taught in the classroom for a reason.
Is it just me, or are we currently blessed with an unusually large number of crazies in Congress? Do they get re-elected because their base is just as crazy or because they provide entertainment? Bachmann is in serious need of professional help.
[re=615934]Prommie[/re]: Fucktards are not comfortable with causal relationships. On a deep level they are doing well if they can keep the temporal order in which things happened straight.
“Mah dawg died behind eatin’ poison”
LOL and sweet blingee!
But what’s “UNJY”????
Well, as Langston Bachman once wrote:
“I heard the singing of the Mississippi when George W. Bush went down to New Orleans,
And I’ve seen my muddy bosom turn all golden in the sunset.”
After health care passed, I kept having these uncontrollable urges to answer with “yassa, boss” and asking for whippings from my internist. Until now, I didn’t know where those feelings were coming from. Thank you, Michelle Bachmann, for your invaluable insight. 40 acres and a mule!
[re=615980]JMP[/re]: True dat, mea culpa. I think I’ve blocked out everything about Norm Coleman, including the one thing I shouldn’t have.
And if fascism and the polices state does come in full force, ms bachmann and her teabag ilk will welcome it proudly because it will be wrapped in the flag, carrying a flag, and spouting brain dead teabagger platitudes.
[re=616008]Shot at Wolf[/re]: It’s hard to tell; there may have always been this many crazies in Congress, but with C-SPAN, the 24 hour news networks, and blogs, we just know a lot more about them these days.
[re=615984]Knightro829[/re]: “She knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor,
bathos, puns, parody, litotes and… satire. She was vicious.”
What was it Abraham Lincoln said, that this nation’s healthcare cannot endure half free and half out-of-pocket?
It’s time we healthy Americans threw off the yoke of servitude and rebel against our cruel masters, the cancer patients and children with birth defects. Trouble me not with your Omphalocele O Newborn, we shall call your condition pre-existing, so that you may go home, and our premiums shall not rise.
Maybe this is a crazy question but are there any Republicans nowadays who are NOT completely insane and speak in outrageous hyperbole all of the time? No? Ok.
[re=615934]Prommie[/re]: You put your finger on an interesting point. There is a vigor with which they consciously avoid terminology that might hold them liable for the views they express. This implies a deep inherent understanding of what they are doing, and reveals the cynicism with which they do it.
But really, how else is this pathetic woman going to get camera time? I kind of understand it from her point of view a little bit.
[re=616039]JMP[/re]: Yeah. Some people don’t know when the shut the fuck up. Everything about Bachmann is proselytizing, hence the crazy eyes.
This silly moran Mickey, Beck and others like them, what the fuck is up with their bizarro world of black suffering? It’s clearly to “just make Obama one more black stereotype” but with the crazy racist behavior they exhibited to John Lewis, maybe they just want to completely silence blacks, Jews (what the fuck is up with that crazy Christmas question Miss Graham asked Kagan?), the gheys (back in the closet), poor people (including many of them). This shit is really getting weird. No appealing to sense, morality, inverting the constitution, not even espousing true Christian values. What the fuck are these clowns *for*? (Besides guns to shoot all of the above.) These fucks are unfathomable. No appeal to reason.
[re=615948]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Well Bachmann certainly is (w/o any discernable talent) [re=616006]Sparky McGruff[/re]: Fucking A
Or as Nikki Giovanni once wrote
At this moment
Resting in the comfort of the statue
Of the 16th president of the United States
Missing
An equally impressive representation
Of his friend and advisor
Friedrich Hayek
[re=615929]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Cunty Kinte?
[re=616075]Mr Blifil[/re]: Or they might just be stupid. Ask a libertarian to explain just precisely how the invisible hand is going to perform one of the specific miracles they claim it will perform, and they start using the same strange, incoherent general expressions. Its beyond just having a problem with causation, the human mind does not do well with causation, except on the pool-table, these people are incapable of generating valid logical syllogisms.
Or, to put it another way, they don’t think, they emote. The more powerfully and emotionally invested in a belief they are, the more convinced they are of its truth.
I have a dream, that one day the citizens of Minnesota will awake from their slavery and realize they be morans.
I wish I had an invisible hand. You know what I’m a sayin’? Say no more. Say no more.
[re=616008]Shot at Wolf[/re]: There have always been crazies. There’s a town not far from here named for Congressional Hero Preston Brooks. The man who bravely beat his fellow Congressman on the floor of the Senate either in a fight over slavery or over the beatee making fun of the beaters cousin.
What are the “for?” Why, they are for lots of things; volk und hiemat, for example, and Blut und Boden. There’s four things, right there.
[re=616075]Mr Blifil[/re]: Kind of like when Bush (or maybe it was Cheney) said in a debate, “I never said there was a link between Saddam and 9/11.” It’s true, they never explicitly said Saddam was behind 9/11. Yet somehow legions of his followers came to believe, after listening to their words, that Saddam was behind 9/11.
Another favorite of mine, “Every tax cut has been followed by an increase in tax revenue.” Wow! Tax cuts increase revenue! Except they didn’t say that. But everyone on Redstate believes it.
And “Mission Accomplished” was only really about the aircraft carrier mission, not the war, but its true meaning was only clarified after the war started going so badly.
Unity, bitches!
Sara: I (and I think I speak for many others) heart you.
[re=615961]Hoplight[/re]: Seriously, if Sara changed that last word from ‘asshole’ to ‘saint,’ she could publish the whole thing as a straight-faced homage on Red State or somesuch thing.
Sara, we loves you for things other than your impressive physical presence.
[re=615960]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: No no, she was quoting John Jay, one of the Founding Fathers. Who, in a great twist of irony, was actually a great proponent of emancipation. My guess is that the full context of that quote has something to do with him trying to get rid of slavery while the country was still young so it would be less of a stain on the nation’s soul. Which only pisses me off more that she would appropriate his words for her purposes.
It is scary to think what else the voices tell Michele.
Sara wins again.
The last part of the HuffPo piece quoting C.S. Lewis was pretty great, too, because we all know teabaggers are *anything* but moral busybodies.
[re=616165]imissopus[/re]: If the musical “1776″ is at all accurate (WOULD BROADWAY LIE?), there was some debate, I recall, between northern colonies and southern ones over whether or not slavery would be OK, and in the end it was, and in a move presaging NRA politics of the 21st century, John Jay were like “fine, tack on you ‘people as chattel’ provision to our independence bill, just pass the damn thing”
[re=616031]iburl[/re]: yeah, about that. Does anybody remember that book that Malkin wrote, like literally six years ago? Somehow, I’m guessing most of the “oathkeepers” and teabaggers that are so worried about those FEMA trailers and the MAOBOMAO (now with twice as much Mao!) police state were completely gaga over the idea, back when that wonderful lady was writing that we should do to the Arabs and Muslins like we did to the Japs, which, by the way, was really a great thing for us to have done, honestly.
The Baby Farmer is leading her democratic opponent by about 9 points so her whole district is almost as crazy as she is. This whole movement of lunacy started about the same time as rap and the hole in the ozone layer. I’m not sure if either has anything to do with it but, like Sarah Palin’s hookworms, now it’s out there.
[re=616028]ella[/re]: How can you “mea culpa” over Senator Franken while slagging Governor Ventura? President Obama could learn some lessons from the guy about progressive positions and sticking to your principles.
[re=615943]JMP[/re]: how can someone be that out of touch with reality?
Easily. The real question is, how do people that out of touch with reality manage to feed themselves and not get hit by cars?
Kept in the bondage of wellness,
Oppressed by vitamins
We modern day slaves cry out
“Where are the Big Macs?”
And lower our heads in shame.
[re=616008]Shot at Wolf[/re]:
I blame Gerry Mandering for that.
I’m sorry – I have been around for the past 18 months- how did I miss slavery being reinstituted in Minnesota?
[re=616191]Mad Brahms[/re]: No doubt. I’m pretty sure a lot of the Founding Fathers felt that way.
[re=616023]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]: Now, now. As every Republican knows, 40 acres and a mule would have been real slavery (reparations/socialism!), unlike the 200 years of actual slavery that preceded it. Which is clearly why Johnson was right to revoke the order and give all that land back to the former slaveowners.
IF TAX CUTS ALWAYS INCREASE FEDERAL REVENUE, THEN THE RATE WHICH WILL GENERATE THE MAXIMUM REVENUE IS ZERO, OF COURSE! THE MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM IN TAMPA PLAYS AT A BEAUTIFUL STADIUM NAMED GEORGE STEINBRENNER FIELD. THE YANKEES PLAY THEIR SPRING TRAINING GAMES THERE, TOO. THE STADIUM WAS FULLY PAID FOR BY – WAIT FOR IT – THE TAXPAYERS! CAN YOU SAY “WELFARE FOR THE RICH”? MAYBE THE FIELD CAN BE RENAMED GEORGE “CONVICTED FELON” STEINBRENNER FIELD IN HIS DISHONOR.
[re=616019]Way Cool Larry[/re]: “United Nations Juridical Yearbook”?? Got me a headache just trying to figure out which letters were bombarding my eyeballs. (I liked the article though!)
I have never used this word in my life, but I am taking my cue from Mel Gibson. Dear Michele: CUNT!
Frederick Douglass, speaking of his experience in slavery, once said:
I prayed for twenty years at Rev. Wright’s church and received no answer until I prayed with my legs.
[re=616530]Justin Time[/re]: Could you repeat that? I wasn’t listening.
I demand Sara Benincasa’s hand in marriage. I was the highest bidder at the slave auction after all.
As George Moses Horton used to say when he purchased his own free time from his master do he could walk fifteen miles to Chapel Hill to sell his poetry to plantation owners sons attending the public University of North Carolina, Michele Bachmann is the contents of a colostomy bag left in the trunk of a Yugo since 1986.
[re=615925]FMA[/re]: The check is in the main mail!
[re=616387]mumblyjoe[/re]: Oh, you mean that was an actual historical phrase? I was referring to the “40 Acres and a Mule” viral video from Thailand. Man, that was sick. And yet strangely enjoyable.
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