SarahPAC Handing Out Princely Sums To Everyone (Except Nikki Haley)

Hey, you guys, SarahPAC, remember that thing? The institutional arm by which our gal Sarah was going to extend her influence across the face of the Republican Party? Well, it's sure made some sweet YouTubes, but what else has the PAC done with the, let's see, $916,000 it received in the mail, in wadded-up $10 bills, soaked with tears and rage-spittle? And why are Sarah and Nikki Haley only BFFs in non-monetary ways?

Here are the large amounts of cash that Sarah has handed out to her Chosen Candidates:

• Joe Miller, who is running against Lisa Murkowski in the Republican primary for Alaska Senate: $5,000. (Remember when Sarah beat Lisa's terrible corrupt old dad in the Republican gubernatorial primary in 2006? Ha, that was the only good thing she's ever done.)

• Terry Branstad, a boring ex-Iowa governor who wants to be governor of Iowa again: $5,000. WOW WHAT A WEIRD BORING ESTABLISHMENT PICK WHY WOULD SARAH WANT TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER THE GOVERNOR OF THIS STATE?

• Carly Fiorina, who is insanely wealthy and would use $2,500 to wipe her ass: $2,500.

• Sharron Angle, who probably just robbed Sarah at gunpoint: $2,500.

• Nikki Haley: $0, but she got support on Sarah Palin's Facebook page, which is more valuable than the finest silk from the Orient.

• "Consulting fees for grassroots and communication, media, national and foreign affairs, and coalitions consulting": $210,000.

• "Additional spending went toward air travel, car rentals and lodging, postage and mailings, and cell phones."

Anyone who has experience setting up PACs, please contact your editors in regards to the creation of WonkettePAC post haste. We will endorse only the most hilarious candidates and will spend no more than 45 percent of your donations on "air travel" (private jets), "car rentals" (awesome muscle cars that we will drag race down New York Avenue), "lodging" (hotels in Vegas), and "cell phones" (pagers for our drug-dealing sideline). [ AP ]