No, your eyes do not deceive you: That is in fact a tiny cell phone picture of some nice lady giving Chuck Schumer a “purple nurple.” Would it surprise you to find out that this lady is a faithful Wonkette fan? Probably not! Would it surprise you to find out that she molested New York’s senior senator at some unbearably hip outdoor concert in Williamsburg (the Brooklyn one, not the colonial one) and that Chuck Schumer single-handedly saved that show, only to be met by baffled disdain from New York’s apathetic hipsters? That may in fact be mildly surprising, so read on for the details.
Wonkette hero correspondent “j0lt” has this report, which she thoughtfully sent to us rather than to (or in addition to?) Vice magazine:
This was Sunday at a free, outdoor show (Deerhoof & Xiu Xiu played Joy Division’s entire Unknown Pleasures album!) at Williamsburg’s East River State Park. I think somehow Schumer was responsible for keeping the show from getting canceled (bribed/threatened NY State Senate with sexual favors? Just sayin’). In return, he was allowed to walk around the crowd for a few minutes. Pretty much no one knew who he was. I was drunk and suffering sunstroke, so of course I mobbed him and demanded his picture. I was supposed to be giving a thumbs-up, but wasn’t quite able to manage it — I look like I’m either clutching his fancy button-down, or giving him a companionable punch in the ribs, as if to say, “Oh Chuck, who really needed financial regulatory reform anyhow?”
Also, just before Deerhoof et al. took to the stage, Schumer tried to mumble something into the mic (something about his nana in Brooklyn?), but the sound guys kept cutting his feed; really, no one in the audience cared at all, it was pretty sad. Then he wandered off, and the crowd resumed/continued to look bored/superior/really really thin throughout the entirety of an amazing performance.
Because this picture is only from the waist up, we cannot confirm or deny reports that Schumer was wearing suddenly-hip-again-for-some-reason cut-off jean shorts.
{ 24 comments }
He is most certainly the muse for Government Mule.
Jolt, you are my new hero. You could write for the Wonkette! Hey, you just did.
Or no pants at all.
[re=615201]Katydid[/re]: Although, I must say, I find you a little anti-Semitic. Would you have tried a purple nurple with Sen. Kirstin Gillibrand? I think not.
Odd, I thought he spent his time off from Senatorial Duties carrying out his responsibilities on the Knesset, or is it the other way around?
[re=615203]Katydid[/re]: Christopher Hitchens just wrote 20,000 words on how the Israeli lobby is shouting down anyone who finds the purple nurple inoffensive.
Wow, you met Baffled Disdain from The Apathetic Hipsters? Dude’s a legend on drums.
Speaking of roving Senators, I was at an event attended by Senator Amy Klobuchar yesterday. 600 volunteers were picking up trash in and around Minnehaha Creek. I didn’t pinch her nipple cause her husband was there and he looked kind of mean. With all the disgusting trash I gathered from my kayak I found a perfectly good rubber duck in the creek. Yes, it was a good day. The Senator somehow linked the trash pickup with the Gulf oil spill with her mighty rhetoric and the crowd swelled with pride, free Leinenkugels beer, bratwurst and baked beans.
Chuck’s alright.
Punks today never got the memo we left for them. “Do not look at hairstyle. Look at record collection.”
Come to think of it, we never got the memo, either. As David Bowie said, reportedly, “It’s cool to be hip, but it’s not hip to be cool.”
[re=615205]Panquake[/re]: Ha! You’re a fake. You said “Israeli” lobby. True haters say the “Israel” lobby. I suppose you say “Democratic” too. UnAmerican bastard.
Chuck has nipples of granite.
I’m trying, really trying, to get past the “cut off jean shorts”. I am. And I need to reconcile with the fact that they are suddenly hip again.
This is the transcript of Chucks speech: Hey kids, you know you really shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you. Haven’t you seen the TV ads? What’s wrong with you, do you want to get cancer and die? And don’t leave any stinky cigarrette butts lying around. As my Nana in Brooklyn says, smoking is for losers. Have a nice concert and don’t smoke.
Does the person with the cell phone camera realize the peril in which he/she placed the concert goers?
After all, the most dangerous place on earth the the space between Chuck Schumer and a camera.
Oh the humanity — had an unwitting party goer walked between the solon and the smart phone serious nurple tromping could have ensued.
[re=615203]Katydid[/re]: c’mon Katydid, who HASN’T given Gillibrand a purple nurple.
Bah — Schumer’s only hip in the “Grandpa got a motorcycle” sorta way, which is really just lovably retro. Also, I threw away my last pair of cut-offs two weeks ago.
Schumer is bros with the dudes from Grizzly Bear.
Oh, now, I am pretty sure I sat right next to Chuck at the premier of “Control”.
[re=615207]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: You hippie!!1!
But srsly, what a great way to spend a Sunday in July.
Pitchfok gave Chuck Schumer a 7.9.
[re=615415]i dont trust the new guy[/re]:
Yeah, but I hear the remix is dope.
[re=615438]j0lt[/re]: Consider my fucking mind blown all over my fucking face. So blown that I took fifteen minutes to decide what to say and ended up just stealing this line from Sara Benincasa, also a hero.
You know it’s called “Billburg” right? Then you wouldn’t have to distinguish it from “colonial Williamsburg.” Duh.
I was there and I heckled Schumer off stage. Here’s why I fucked with Chuck: http://jewsagainstchutzpah.blogspot.com/2010/07/interruption-as-intervention-why-i.html
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