tax season just got a lot more fabulous

Masshole Judge Overturns DOMA, Uses Teabaggers’ Favorite Amendment For Gayness

We're stone cold getting Social Security benefits now, breeders!Your right-wing types often go on and on and on about “keeping the gummint out of my hair” and “state rights,” and take as their proof text the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution, which basically says that the Feds can’t do anything but fight wars and mint gold coins and maybe build interstate highways, and the states should be in charge of everything else. And if you’ve had to listen to all this, you’ve probably had the urge to say “So why should the gummint be all up in some dude’s business if he wants to marry another dude?” but you don’t because you promised your mom that you wouldn’t start any fights at Thanksgiving this year. Well, Joseph L. Tauro just basically said the exact thing that you wanted to shout over turkey and stuffing, except he’s a federal judge who was appointed by gay communist Richard Nixon 38 years ago, and he said it in a court decision declaring parts of the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, so it’s really a lot more meaningful than your holiday-ruining diatribe.

Tauro’s decision (actually two decisions on two separate but related lawsuits) did not declare that Real American states had to recognize ungodly sodomarriages contracted in the gay states, which, depressing though that might be, at least avoids a probable nuclear-level freakout that would get boring heterosexuality enshrined in the Constitution, forever. But! He did rule that the federal government could not discriminate between legally contracted straight and gay marriages, because, according to the Teabaggers precious, precious Tenth Amendment, only state governments get to decide what a legitimate marriage is. So same-sex marrieds in the states that condone their same-sex-marriedness can file joint tax returns, get spousal Social Security and Medicare benefits, and do all the other hot fucking-and-sucking-related perversions on the “gay agenda.”

Did this elderly judge specifically tailor his decision to irritate conservatives? Probably, according to a Yale Law professor!

Professor Balkin said Judge Tauro was “attempting to hoist conservatives by their own petard, by saying: ‘You like the 10th Amendment? I’ll give you the 10th Amendment! I’ll strike down DOMA!’”

Here is a fun side note to this: One of the lawsuits was actually filed by the state of Massachusetts, which argued that DOMA essentially forced the state to discriminate against its own citizens in handing out all the federal largesse that passes through the state government. The suit was brought by the state’s Attorney General, Martha Coakley, who you probably vaguely remember as the woman who somehow lost a Massachusetts Senate election to a frequently naked Republican who drives a pickup truck. Scott Brown, of course, is so terrified of gay marriage that he’ll do anything to stop it, even berating children with obscenities, so this may be some small measure of revenge on her part.

The Obama Administration, which is defending the law in court, will appeal the decision, obviously, even though they’re officially against it, because they are lame. So enjoy the prospect of having simplified tax paperwork while it lasts, gays who live in five states and/or the District of Columbia! Once it gets to the Supreme Court, it will inevitably be overturned in a decision that will mostly consist of Scalia and Roberts coughing and saying “faggot” under their breath. [NYT]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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53 comments

  1. the problem child

    “So enjoy the prospect of having simplified tax paperwork while it lasts…”

    Sadly, probably not even that. I’m sure a stay pending final determination will be sought and granted. Lawyers are cocksuckers like that.

  2. HedonismBot

    “The Obama Administration, which is defending the law in court, will appeal the decision, obviously, even though they’re officially against it, because they are lame.”

    I’m enjoying the little swipes against Obama that are starting to creep, little by little, into this publication of record. Obama is pretty lame. What happened to our unicorn, who was supposed to banish ignorance and injustice with the hopeful power of his hopeful hopeyness? Why is he shying away from every progressive fight? How did he turn out to be such a dud?
    (I am not a troll. I am not a troll. I am not a troll.)

  3. JMP

    The teabaggers are getting hoist by their own petard in another way, too, because it follows precedents which required federal and other state recognition of marriages revolting to normal people but beloved by red staters, the cousin lovin’ kind.

  4. JackDempsey

    [re=614274]MarieDeGournay[/re]: Sure you wanna do that? *Loaded* with that high fructose corn syrup. Maybe just a small bowl.

  5. Cant Buy a Thrill

    this just shows how sneaky the gays are…first the Tenth Amendment was a red-blooded heterosexual amendment supporting the tea baggers….but now we find out it secretly swings the other way too

  6. Oblios Cap

    [re=614278]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

    Since they don’t even know what their “ideas” are, there’ll be no cognitive dissonance involved.

  7. Roger Williams hates your ways

    [re=614280]HedonismBot[/re]: Turns out Obama is just a REALLY good liar. Shame on us for getting caught up and believing that a politician isn’t a lying scumbag.

  8. MarieDeGournay

    [re=614285]JackDempsey[/re]: I only use real sugar in my schaudenfreude. Mmm, mmm, good.

  9. queeraselvis v 2.0

    “attempting to hoist conservatives by their own petard,” eh? Only if this “petard” involves a St. Andrew’s cross, a leather hood, and a cat-o-nine tails.

  10. CivicHoliday

    So what state do I need to move to in order to declare my cats as “dependents”?

  11. germansteel

    The next thing you’re going to tell me is that the Teafaggers don’t regularly think things through to their logical conclusion. Who knew?

  12. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=614288]Roger Williams hates your ways[/re]: I frequently argue this with people that are dissing on Obama. (for the record, I did the same with Bush). OMG…he lies…he fudges…he prevaricates!

    Dudes and dudettes…He’s.a.fucking.politician.

    When it comes to any election above town animal control officer,it’s all about picking the liar you want. Last November, I liked the Obama liar better than the McCain liar. (basically, I picked the liar that would be least likely to embarrass us).

    I have an internet friend who really dug Cynthia McKinney – integrity…honesty – blah blah blah. If it were even possible for McKinney to become president, on her first day in office, they would have shown her the video of the JFK assassination taken from the “special angle”, and then be shown her agenda.

    Why yes…I’m feeling a bit cynical this morning…why do you ask?

  13. Panquake

    [re=614280]HedonismBot[/re]: Eight years of soulpunching Dubyaness. I would have voted for a three-armed Nazi hamster if it was the Democratic candidate.

    To be fair, Hopey never defined himself as a progressive dream and by all accounts was a centrist, moderate, pragmatic nice young man whose job was to keep the shop afloat after the Mafia-style bustout of the Bush years. Of course, he didn’t do anything to discourage the Kosstard Unicorn Dreamer Corps who thought that he was a sainted angel who would wave a magic wand and have us all eating arugula dicks, but anyone who was looking past the HopeyChange foliage was seeing a middle-of-the-road dude who at least would be a competent manager of the National Security State.

    Let’s also not forget the Palin Factor. Or the ingenious way the Obama brand got McCain to be “Bush’s 3rd term.” (My personal feeling is that McCain was the sacrificial lamb to the Republicans wouldn’t have to be accountable for the mess they made.)

    So with the bar set that low, with most everyone feeling like a whipped dog after 2004, anyone would have been fine.

    I refer to this as the Harkonnen Strategy. Shame there wasn’t a Muad’Dib. (/nerd)

  14. BarackMyWorld

    Before we congratulate ourselves on tricking conservatives into being logically consistent, I’ll remind you of the people demanding the government stay out of Medicare. So, yeah.

  15. HedonismBot

    [re=614310]Panquake[/re]: Sigh. Yeah, I know Obama was never a progressive dream. I knew it in November, 2008. But I voted for him just the same, and I will do it again.
    I just need to vent. Squishy, moderate Democrats piss me off.

  16. Neilist

    Hopey: The “Other” Dark Meat (Of Jimmy Carter).

    [And this story would be a lot more interesting if Hiz Honor had ruled that the Homos also could legally hae Concealed Carry Permits at their nupituals.]

  17. JMP

    [re=614283]rafflesinc[/re]: Is this the same NY Times that likes to claim that bloggers are stealing from them by merely linking to and summarizing their articles?

  18. norbizness

    Will the 3rd AMendment be further amended so that I don’t have to quarter gay married troops in my place of residence?

  19. marioninnyc

    [re=614310]Panquake[/re]: Dune reference? Jeebus, this confirms my worst suspicions about the posters on this site. Now put on some real clothes, get out of your mom’s basement and get a job!

  20. DangerousLiberal

    [re=614280]HedonismBot[/re]: Yeah, Barry Soetero isn’t the librul Trotskyite tree hugging commie nazi muslin unicorn we all wanted him to be. Yup, he’s coming up short on that. But dig if you will, a picture, of you and I ruled by Walnuts McCain and that dumbfuck Cariboo Barbie. That’ll jolt you awake faster than a 4-shot skinny short latte at Starbucks.

    And now to cruise the tubes to see what the teabaggers are saying about our precious 10th amendment now. You want federalism, motherfuckers? You’ve got it now, bitches.

  21. Zadig

    [re=614338]JMP[/re]: It’s perfectly justifiable, because the New York Times is a very Important and Serious publication, unlike stupid gay blogs, which are dumb and also ugly.

  22. Zadig

    [re=614359]marioninnyc[/re]: Are you mad, like I am, that during all these confirmation hearings we’re missing out on perfectly good Gom Jabbar jokes?

  23. proudgrampa

    [re=614322]HedonismBot[/re]: Democrats are a disappointing bunch, huh? Our ideals are in the right place, but the politicians are chickenshit.

  24. bynrdskynrd

    [re=614376]Zadig[/re]: [re=614359]marioninnyc[/re]: You realize as I read this, I am in a Stilsuit and Aba robe, drinking spice coffee.

    (Read tattered pj’s and frayed terrycloth robe, and burbon mixed with Folgers).

  25. Starrigavan

    Teabaggers won’t see this as a logical anything…

    They don’t want the government telling THEM what they can and can’t do. They want the government to follow the Constitution and tell OTHER people what THEY can and can’t do.

    Oh, and states’ rights isn’t about gay stuff. It’s only about slavery and segregation!

  26. Oblios Cap

    [re=614359]marioninnyc[/re]:

    You have him confused with a RedState blogger/commenter.

  27. Tundra Grifter

    At the risk of getting all serious on a Friday morning (at least it still is here on the Left Coast), the right wing gasbags and TeaBaggers and their ilk rant about the Kelo decision. If you read it, the Supremes simply said the good people of the state of Connecticut knew more about what was good for them than the Federal goverment.

    WoW!

    The reactionaries and their conservative allies pushed through Federal legislation governing drivers’ licenses (because the states might issue them to illegals). Regulating marriage – previously always left up to the state. Bush v. Gore – Supremes tell Florida how to run an election. Medical tort “reform” – used to be up to the states – now the Feds run it.

    Fools like Off-the-Mark Levin and Sheer “Am i An Idiot?” InSannity and Glumm Bleek suggest health insurance should be sold “across state lines.” There’s no Federal regulation of health insurance. Yet. But if the right wing nutz keep pushing it we just might have it.

    Along with a Federal insurance fund for health insurance companies that go out of business and can’t pay their claims, of course. Because, to date, all those funds are run by … the states!

  28. Troubledog

    Is it small enough to drown in a bathtub yet?

    Looks like they need to go with Plan B: larger bathtub.

  29. BloodandIrony

    HedonismBot: Not to be a total Obama fanboy, but he did get us half a loaf (or really two thirds of a loaf) on healthcare, wallstreet reform, student loans, school construction, high speed rail, energy efficiency, etc. Given that Carter and Clinton by comparison managed to pry a couple of crusts out of Congress, Barry’s half a loaf seems pretty decent.

  30. erikagwen

    Sometimes I wish we would just look at our own history before we start making up bs like the DOMA….

    William Bradford, one of the first governors of the Plymouth Colony, and a good Christian (not one of those drrty Catholics), presided over many weddings in the new colony noting that “nowhere . . . in the Gospel did it say a minister should be involved in a wedding” Weddings/Marriages were secular in the new world for quite a long time.

  31. V572625694

    [re=614307]smitallica[/re]: Well, you could make that argument–all those fairies in “A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream,” etc. Plus no kids.

  32. Bearbloke

    [re=614280]HedonismBot[/re]: (Trolling Troll ISN’T Trolling, sayeth the Troll?…)

    OT – However, I must concur on the apparent ‘lameness’ of Commie Fascist Tyrant Dictator Chicago-Thug-Negro Obama – He who makes Good White Christian ‘Merikcan 2nd-Amendment-lurvin’ Patriots quake with outraged terror in their fear-sodden adult-diapers. I’ve always thought that he would never be allowed to try to win a 2nd term, thus he must do all he can to EARN it, and he must be bold enough to cash & spend that open-ended ‘hope and change’ cheque the voters gave him in 2008. So far, he seems to be playing a ridiculously conciliatory game of ‘small-ball’ and NOT hitting the marquee items in the agenda he was elected to fulfill. And yes, the rest of the World cares about this, since no one wants to deal with another Mad ‘God-Told-Me-To-Start-Armageddon’ Yank like Bush – there are far too many dangerous theofascist madmen in the world already!

  33. Enslave the Whales

    [re=614324]Neilist[/re]: But that would be “legislating from the bench”, since none of the relevant faggots (or Martha Coakley, whatever she is) asked for CCW permits.

  34. Enslave the Whales

    [re=614359]marioninnyc[/re]: Oh, come on. I read Dune in college, then put on clothes, worked for 35 years, retired (involuntarily), and now wear my PJs (well, kinda) in my own basement. Just substitute Borgia for Harkonnen, if it makes you feel better.

  35. Enslave the Whales

    [re=614461]BloodandIrony[/re]: We could argue — pointlessly — over the actual percentage of loaf delivered, or over how much of the partial loaf is actually attributable to the Prez (as opposed to the Speaker); BUT, there is no argument that the amount of loaf we’ve received exceeds that provided by W and friends, and FAR exceeds what we would have gotten out of a Walnuts/Twatter administration.

  36. Enslave the Whales

    [re=614534]V572625694[/re]: Kids? Admittedly, no child labor laws, but even the women had to be acted by men. How was he gonna do kids?

    Tangentially, does this mean Elizabethans were all Republicans?

    Nah, too much well-documented off-stage breeder fucking. Never mind.

  37. RoscoePColtraine

    This is what happens when strict Libertarianism meets Social Conservatism. Ouch, that’s gonna leave a mark.

  38. legalize everything

    1. You hoist someone *with* their own petard. YALE.
    2. The 10th Amendment is a tautology. All it says is that the states retain whatever powers they did not transfer to the federal government. It doesn’t clarify what those powers are.

  39. zhubajie

    [re=614291]V572625694[/re]: Like the Bishop of Bath & Wells, there was nothing involving man, woman or child that he would not do.

  40. zhubajie

    [re=614910]Enslave the Whales[/re]: Dune is mostly stolen from real history, anyway, the Sasanian Persians and the early Muslims. The real people had great art and literature, on both sides.

  41. Jindal the Oil Volcano

    UH you are aware the Administration is pretty much bound to appeal right? The justice department cannot just say “meh” when a federal law is struck down, no matter how much they disagree with it. But I’ll wager dollars to donuts the appeal fails because according to the judges decision they made a ridiculous argument which showed their heart wasn’t in it. Maybe they’ll just take a brief from Fred Phelps and say “faggity, fag, faggity fag” on appeal, rather than trying to actually argue. Either way, those of you who say the Administration is lame for appealing seem to not know the first thing about the workings of the Justice Department or its various duties.

    As an aside…I love how the teabaggers own second favorite amendment is being turned against them. Now if we can just figure out a way for the 2nd Amendment to apply for the protection of legal abortion…we’ll see collect heads exploding in rage, fear and cognitive dissonance. Oddly enough douchey corporatist Mark Halperin pointed out correctly the lousy position the Obama Admin is in with this ruling. Still, the failure of a half-hearted appeal JD is legally bound to make should make progressives happy. We do need to kick his ass about not sticking up for his own base though.

    But really, do we want Obama to govern like opposite Bush? Only caring about what us libtards want and think and ignoring everyone else? Tempting…very tempting…especially if the South secedes again.

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