an early look at wisconsin's next senator

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Once Urinated On a Homosexual Pornographic Car Tire and Sued McDonald’s

Hater of gays, abortion, porn, and now also car tires.Wisconsin’s fastest rising star, Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ernest J. Pagels, Jr., became Internet-famous this afternoon after the discovery of his brilliant political ad on YouTube. Now, with the help of Wonkette operatives, more has been found about this great American. He previously ran for Congress in 2004, for one. And also he has done a whole lot of suing people.

In 2004, Pagels ran in a primary against longtime Wisconsin Republican Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner. And somehow he lost! But also somehow he raised $14,200! And it looks like none of that was contributed by himself. That’s way more fundraising muscle than Alvin Greene has shown.

Over the years, Pagels has sued a lot of people. Polly Landscaping was forced to pay him $159.64 in 1994. He sued those rotten Vargases, the people whose kids allegedly vandalized his car, in 2002 because they owed him money. They were forced to pay him $1,635.96. And in 2004 he successfully sued the Waukesha County Sheriff Department for $1,015.73, perhaps for something that happened on one of the occasions in which Pagels has gotten in trouble with the law.

More often his suits have failed. Defendants include a McDonald’s, a physician and his office, a fundamentalist Christian radio network, and Faith2Action, which bills itself as “the nation’s largest network of pro-family groups.”

Oh, he also was cited for disorderly conduct after witnesses saw him at Waukesha County Technical College urinating on someone’s tire. He sued the technical college for violating his civil rights, but that was also a failed suit.

And in 1997 it appears he was found guilty of resisting arrest and bail jumping, though that may or may not have been his father. Other charges have been brought against Jr. by his state, county, and village.

Once we can get Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. for a WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, it looks like we’ll have a lot to discuss.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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1 comment

  1. populucious

    I believe that if more politicians spent their time peeing on tires instead of all that legismalatin they do, this country would be a better place.

  2. the problem child

    Not sure that last one isn’t Pagels Sr. You might want to double-check.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    I’m sure there’s a version of the Bible where Jesus files a lot of frivolous lawsuits too — probably written on golden plates in Ernest J. Pagels’ backyard.

  4. chascates

    So Madison is not representative of the whole state? This country has way too many rural areas.

  5. actor212

    Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Sounds like he should be sheriff on the remake of “The Dukes Of Hazard”.

    I’m now expecting a cease-and-desist…

  6. Bearbloke

    Are you sure he’s not an Aussie pol? If he fails in Wisconsin, he can take his act to Queensland!

  7. JMP

    Psst, Jack, Ernie Pagel was the plaintiff in each of those suits you linked too; the word for the organizations he sued is “Defendants”.

    Y our the BIG GOVMENT DEMO-RATS against our FREEDOME to piss in public?


  8. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    [re=614044]JMP[/re]: Whoops.

    I agree with you on that second thing. Ernest should introduce a bill when he’s in Congress that makes pissing in public legal.

  9. Troubledog

    Check paragraph 4 for incorrect usage of term “plaintiff” or I will sue the shit out of you. You and your so-called editorial staff.

    You’re all going down. This is the moment I have been waiting for.

    -Erick Erickson

  10. PeteJayhawk v2.0

    It’s legal in the UK to piss on a car tire as long as it’s YOUR car tire AND you have your right hand touching the car at all times.

    The More You Know!


  11. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    [re=614049]Troubledog[/re]: I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. And to think I was the best lawyer in high school mock trial.

  12. FMA

    We need people like him in the Senate. The college clearly violated his civil rights, that is the constitutionally guaranteed right to pee on car tires. (It’s somewhere in the back, in the fine print.) Damn activist judges!

  13. nappyduggs

    [re=614029]Ren McCormack[/re]:
    When the Po-Po get tired of hearing you flap yer yapper about how you’re gonna sue them SO BAD like you sued the ACLU and the third stall at Burger King, and Betty White, and oh, just everybody, they leave you handcuffed by the side of the road in your underwear. Never actually taken to jail be cause you are crazy=restricting arrest.

  14. GOPCrusher

    I don’t blame him for suing the Technical College. No where in the Constitution does it say you can’t piss on a tire. He should have sued that activist judge too, for legislating from the bench.
    Paul/Pagels 2012

  15. BOOBIES!

    If we pair Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. with Orly Taitz we have our Wonkette 2012 election dream team.

  16. NJB

    Lucky Wisconsin to have a candidate for public office who is such a firm believer in the American Justice System. I wonder what his stand is on medical malpractice award caps?

  17. JMP

    [re=614047]Jack Stuef[/re]: What gets me is that he was pissing at 6:40 PM. In my experience at least, besides the homeless people only piss in public when they’re really, well, pissed. What was non-college student doing already that loaded that early in the evening?

  18. Troubledog

    [re=614057]Jack Stuef[/re]: Where I come from, you need to be drunk and sitting on a bar stool before you can talk about how your best days are behind you.

  19. JackDempsey

    I have not sued McDonalds.
    But the last Big ‘N Tasty I had there was neither.
    And the fries were decidedly subpar.

    Well, *that* was satisfying.

  20. JMP

    [re=614068]Troubledog[/re]: Most bars have WiFi these days, at least around here; how do you know he’s not?

  21. Troubledog

    [re=614073]JMP[/re]: Because Wonkette doesn’t pay enough to drink in a bar? I would think on Wonkette wages, your life turns into one big prefunction (euphemism for drinking white label malt liquor out of a paper sack), followed by nursing one purchased beer indoors for the rest of the night.

  22. Starrigavan

    He’s probably one of those complete douches who prattle on and on about how frivolous lawsuits are ruining America.

    Of course, the proper response to idiots like that is:

    “Bush V. Gore”

  23. JMP

    [re=614077]bfstevie[/re]: Unfortunately, although he helped strike down the anti-sodomy laws I doubt Kennedy will go as far as to end marriage discrimination; and there’s no hope with the gang of four.

  24. BobTheBuilder

    Ernest J. Pagels will give up his urinating penis when someone pries it from his cold dead fingers.

    I’m guessing that’ll be Larry Craig.

  25. marioninnyc

    He said in his ad that he was going to make homosexuals and abortion illegal. He didn’t specifically say he was going to outlaw driving while Asian or keeping the sabbath on any day but Saturday, but I’m guessing he will. Sharia fundy-style anyone?

  26. Starrigavan

    [re=614086]JMP[/re]: Yeah, because conservative, states-rights republicans only believe in states’ rights for things like slavery and segregation.

  27. Oblios Cap

    He appears to be a quintessential Repub- he certainly has a face you would love to punch.

  28. Gun-toting Progressive

    Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, “The Never-Ending Story”.

  29. Snarkalicious

    [re=614063]NJB[/re]: Well, since he’s shown no apparent awareness that once an seek damages in excess of 5 grand, I’m sure his position on that particular issue is “Wuuuht?”.

  30. user-of-owls

    [re=614055]Radiotherapy[/re]: You bring the hook, and I’ll bring the worms!

  31. biggeek

    Rent boy who has video of Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. giving him a blowjob in 3…2…1…

  32. user-of-owls

    [re=614029]Ren McCormack[/re]: Not sure, but maybe it’s something similar to what a local miscreant was charged with as reported by town newspaper: “failure to contain a viscous dog.”

  33. pjmad

    The birth date on the disorderly/resisting arrest charge is junior’s, unless he and his dad are somehow twins.

  34. Big Liver

    I swear to God, this guy reminds me for some reason of Russell Crowe, like maybe after a bad drug binge or something.

  35. Mr Blifil

    Somewhere there is a double-layer neoprene dildoed contraption with this dude’s name on it.

  36. Jim89048

    No shortage of self of steam, there.

    Also, Earnest Pagels, Estus Pirkle. Coincidence?

  37. x111e7thst

    I do believe that “dickweed” was coined specifically for Mr. Pagels, Jr. Anyone know the spread on his having hookworms?

  38. Lazy Media

    [re=614057]Jack Stuef[/re]: Well, high school was, what, two years ago? That’s a long time to remember that kinda stuff.

  39. BlueStateLiberal

    And as a Repugnant, I bet he’s all for tort reform–tort reform for other people of course, ha ha!

  40. llibra

    [re=614055]Radiotherapy[/re]: “a community disorganizer” Bravo! I will go to my grave remembering this joke (and using it at every opportunity).

  41. Aguacatero

    Perhaps Wonkette needs to have a subfeature with a bland but not unlawfully deceptive title like “American Political Scene,” so that when it calls people like this man, its representatives can say “I’m a reporter with Wonkette’s American Political Scene” [or better "... with American Political Scene"] and I have a few questions.”

  42. V572625694

    [re=614118]qwerty42[/re]: Not sure that little case will overturn DOMA — very MA-specific and the 10th Amendment argument seems a tad week. Now, when the CA Supreme Court overturns Prop 8, all heck will break loose. If they’ve got the guts.

  43. SayItWithWookies

    [re=614118]qwerty42[/re]: DOMA being unconstitutional is just a clarion call for all good Republicans to do what they always do with things they don’t like — get involved in it and make it suck so terribly that nobody wants to have anything to do with it ever again. They’ve fucked up the legislature, disaster response, immigration, border policy, anti-terrorism — hell, they’ve even fucked up war. Start looking for them to work their magic on gay marriage, too.


  44. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    [re=614079]Troubledog[/re]: Precisely.

    [re=614116]Lazy Media[/re]: FOUR years ago. FOUR.

    [re=614120]Aguacatero[/re]: “The Jack Stuef Politics Machine”

  45. Radiotherapy

    [re=614100]user-of-owls[/re]: This fisher of men, and the Palins are “commercial fishermen” too. Fucking cosmic alignment or pandemic parasitic nematodes?

  46. user-of-owls

    [re=614115]x111e7thst[/re]: Bookies are still trying to track down whether he’s ever been in contact with the Palins.

  47. zhubajie

    pissing in public is one of the things legal in China (I think) but not in the USA! Ditto open container of alcohol, public drunkeness, vomiting in public or suckling a baby in public. This guy’s a secret Commie!

  48. user-of-owls

    [re=614134]Radiotherapy[/re]: Well, if by that you mean “commercially fishy,” then your description is apt. As to the pandemic, we certainly know who Patient Zero is.

  49. Escape Goat Nation

    From Wisconsin huh? Well that means there’s a 25% chance that he’s a cannibal.

  50. Rotundo

    First there was “Tailgunner Joe”, now we have “Whizzin’ Ernie”. Helluva stump speech gimmick, I imagine him holding a bible in one hand, hosing down a burning pile of naked Ken dolls with guidance from the other hollering “I smite thee, homosexuals and pornographers, with a heaven sent stream of urine to wash your taint from this once mighty country!”. It would probably play pretty well in the Milwaukee ‘burbs.

  51. babsinbuffalo

    So who is running against this fellow? (I almost said “against this douche” but decided that was inappropriate!

  52. babsinbuffalo

    Wait a minute … he sued someone named “Clyde Chumbley?” Can you do that???

  53. Radiotherapy

    [re=614141]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=614115]x111e7thst[/re]: The vector could be moose chili, or undercooked grizzly meat (it’s very greasy), or ass-to-mouth. Those Palin kids are pretty unsupervised you know. With this guys spittle problem, we can also consider rabies.

    (BTW, the Palin Kids, good band name.)

  54. sati demise

    A legal grifter! hmmmm, he might be able to team up with the pink elephants for a stomping good time

  55. trondant

    [re=614079]Troubledog[/re]: Holy fuck – my entire retirement just flashed before my eyes. Thanks.

  56. Can O Whoopass

    In Pagels’ republican Bible, Jesus pisses on some Roman’s chariot wheel, then has a McFish sandwich and poops in the Rabbi’s hat. Ask Palin or Angle or Bachmann.

  57. dijetlo

    [re=614042]Joshua Norton[/re]: They got the devil in their weens…
    It started with Brother Mark Sanford and his caliente senora from the Argentine flesh pits. Since then, there has been a whole lotta “luggage liftin’” goin’ on among the conservatards. Waving your pee-pee in public is not that notable when considered in the larger context or current Republican behavior.
    I think Satans plan is to drive them so insane by the Republican 2012 convention that Sarah Palin will accept the Republican nomination dressed in an “Ilsa the SS/Shewolf” costume while the assembled Republican delegates perform a blood orgy on the convention hall floor.
    Still, unless Zombie Ronald Reagan makes an appearance, that wouldn’t be a sign of the end times…

  58. Radiotherapy

    [re=614167]dijetlo[/re]: Don’t laugh, something like that is in her wheelhouse. She’s already tried one method of doctoring, witch-doctoring that is, to get rid of her hookworms.

  59. Aguacatero

    Consider this your Lebron’s The Decision liveblogging place, since Wonkette’s top leadership has dropped the ball, if you will.

    I haven’t been this excited since they opened Al Capone’s Vault on live TV, which was also when I had my first coronary.

  60. Aguacatero

    [re=614173]Aguacatero[/re]: Well this is going great. So far: looks like he’s going to Miami. This is the stupidest thing ever. If you’re going to break up with an incredibly loyal, homely, longtime partner, definitely the best way to do it is on national TV, as slowly and publicly as possible.

    I really hope the DNC quickly announces they’re going to have the 2012 Convention in the Land of Cleves, so that at least they get Barack (for a day), to make up for this sadistic humiliation.

  61. Aguacatero

    [re=614176]Aguacatero[/re]: Thank you for joining me as witnesses to history. [Vomits,] also.

  62. the problem child

    [re=614169]Jim89048[/re]: In our imagination, these Weagles soar, then descend to vomit out new posts for our reading pleasure.

  63. Geogre

    Uncontrolled micturation and nuisance lawsuits?

    Pissing and moaning: it’s the Republican way.

  64. Radiotherapy

    [re=614177]Aguacatero[/re]:best lliveblogging evah. cleveland rocks! but it loses even more.

  65. DC Hates Me

    You realize that he’s going to sue Wonkette for defamation, slander, harassment, invasion of privacy, stalking, and maybe copyright infringement. But if you do get an interview: AUDIO!

  66. el donaldo

    Less like the Dao and more like the Mother of the Ten Thousand Things. Assuming those things are lawsuits.


  67. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    [re=614184]Barrelhse[/re]: Not sure. I recommend doing it from the top of the Exorcist Steps. Or on the face of any statue around the city.

    [re=614187]DC Hates Me[/re]: Yes. I’m prepping for the trial of the century.

  68. user-of-owls

    [re=614189]Jack Stuef[/re]: I’m prepping for the trial of the century.

    Are you hoping they’ll be an usher/best man at the courtroom door asking if you’re with the Plaintiff’s party or the Defendant’s party?

  69. Red Zeppelin

    You know, I hate to be the superficial one, but my gawd that guy is ugly. We don’t expect elected officials to be movie stars (unless they’re Barry) but his ugliness seems to go beyond random midwestern genetic misfortune to speak to a whole other sort of ugliness born of character.

  70. Captain Swing

    Mittens / Pagels Jr 2012:

    Now the dog can get strapped to the roof and pissed on…

  71. Smoke Filled Roommate

    In Wisconsin, you could usually have seven or more DUIs before you got an interlock. Maybe the Tire-Pee incident at the local Technical College in Pewaukee made them wise up a bit.. Haha–Pewaukee.

  72. Geogre

    Ernest J. Pagels and Andrea Dworkin! They both want to outlaw all forms of pornography.

    Ernest J. Pagels Jr. wants to outlaw homosexuality. Now he needs to figure out what it is (seriously).

    Ernest J. Pagels Jr. wants to outlaw abortion. Now he only needs to convince nature to stop spontaneously aborting fetuses, to stop having zygotes fail to implant (fertilized, they’re “babies”).

    Ernest J. Pagels Jr. is a political version of “Old Man Kinsey,” except that the real life Old Man Kinsey was a very benign person being kind of unfairly satirized.

  73. widget09

    [re=614034]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Jesus peed on Roman Chariot tires too, it’s a good thing he didn’t get caught.

  74. McDuff

    So, that’s what a walking, talking case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder looks like.

  75. DC Hates Me

    [re=614189]Jack Stuef[/re]: Just tell him that Wonkette says a lot of mean, silly things about politicians, but we want Ernest to win and become the next US Senator. We really do. He can sit next to Senator Greene during the SOTU speech and pee on anything he wants to.

  76. Jobu

    A correction on some of the lawsuits: He lost the one against the sheriff; the $1,015.73 constituted court costs he was assessed, as his suit was held to be frivolous. The Vargas judgment was vacated; he ultimately lost the trial. The only one he won was against Polly Landscaping, and they never paid him. I wish all my creditors were like him. :)

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