Oil May Stop Spewing Into Gulf By End Of Month, But Yeah, Probably Not

  it's too hot out for outrage

Even this bird is sick of hearing about the oil spill.Remember that oil spill that was big news a few weeks back? No, probably not. But that is a thing that is still happening. Anyway, BP could have the Gulf oil well all fixed up by July 27, according to the Wall Street Journal! This current plan is called “Bottom Kill” and attempts to shoot a bunch of mud or something in there. There are also backup plans, the article notes, though hasn’t everything been a backup plan since the thing exploded? Meanwhile, Tony Hayward is flying around on his air yacht looking for investors, as BP has no money left for all of this.

Other news: Some anonymous man in the government says that July 27 date is too optimistic, which is not a surprise, as everything has been too optimistic with this annoying oil spill that will never end.

Also Obama wants the oil-collecting boats to start doing stuff again. They had stopped because of some guy who calls himself “Hurricane Alex.” [WSJ/WSJ/NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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52 comments

  1. TakingAmes

    Is there a reason shooting mud and stuff into the well is supposed to work this time? It didn’t work the last time they tried it, AT ALL, so why all the optimism?

  2. ArkansasFred

    I think it’s time we turn the Gulf of Mexico into the world’s largest deep fryer.

  3. fictional character

    why don’t they just admit that they’re going to have plug the damn thing with sea turtles and get on with it.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    They’ll get that gusher stopped by the 27th — all they have to do is rush things a bit, cut some corners, make some guys work until they almost drop, don’t put in some required safety measures and ignore problems with the cementing of the relief well. Oh, wait…

  5. Suds McKenzie

    Never, in the history of mankind have so many owed gay innuendo jokes to so few.

  6. chascates

    Top kill, bottom kill, junk shot. Get the porno out of the effort and it might just work.

    Naw, we’re screwed.

  7. Ducksworthy

    The good news is that the spill has give Haley Barbour the idea that he should run for preznit. Oil soaked moufullshit fat white racist is the just about brand identity I want the Repulklican party to have from now on.

  8. Ducksworthy

    I heard BP was going to plug the hole with toasted sea turtles but the environmental sissies stopped that plan.

  9. harry palmer

    You bitch and bitch about oil being a finite resource blah blah, and here it is gushing out like manna from heaven and lapping up right onto the shore, and are you happy? Bitch, bitch.

  10. Malketeer

    Um, excuse me. I distinctly remember praying about this with Sarah. So why the fuck do you keep bringing it up?

  11. Prommie

    Yer getting yer cynicism wrong. Bottom kill is and always has been the only known way to stop a well when something like this has happened. The thing is, it takes a few months to drill the intercept wells necessary to do a bottom-kill. So, all these other things they have been trying, these things were never expected to work, these were just PR measures. I think BP and the Gubmint both agreed that the public couldn’t handle the truth, which is and always has been that the well is spewing 100,000 barrels a day, and is going to do so for at least three months. I don’t think BP has any real intention of doing any real cleanup work until it is stopped, either. Its kinda stupid, like trying to mop the floor while you are still puking on it, but again, the public is shrieking “won’t someone think of the baby turtles, do something,” so they put on a show to make it look like they were doing something.

  12. user-of-owls

    [re=613928]ArkansasFred[/re]: You and Huckabee, always with the squirrely ideas.

  13. Mad Brahms

    [re=613964]JMP[/re]: Man, it seems the gays can’t get relief no matter *which* position they prefer.

  14. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=613948]Ducksworthy[/re]: “Running for President” is a wonderful phrase when used in conjunction with the likes of ol’ wHaley, is it not?

  15. Oblios Cap

    When the Category 5 storm hits on July 26, it’ll be back to the drawing board.

  16. Extemporanus

    Are we talking about taking the pipe of one well and putting it in the wreckage of another well and wriggling it around in sediment?

  17. Come here a minute

    Hahaha — “BP has no money left” — that’s hilarious. BP stand for BIG PIL, as in, “You’ve been PWNED by BIG PIL!” There will always be money, light sweet crude money.

  18. carlgt1

    hey wait, the wonkett pic of a bird in oil looks suspiciously like another oil spill — the Gulf oil spill is always shown as a chocolate-colored tar on the birds. so I think it’s all a hoax….

  19. Oblios Cap

    [re=613980]Extemporanus[/re]:

    One man’s sediment is another man’s excrement, or so it’s said.

  20. carlgt1

    [re=613969]Prommie[/re]: and this is such a gift to the Repukes – who get to screech for months “OBAMMER IS WORSE THAN KATRINA!”

  21. Radiotherapy

    [re=613968]Malketeer[/re]: Well, (get it?), well, she was a little pre-occupied making that awesome griftomercial®. And, doesn’t god take a few days off for July 4th too. Seeing as how it is the most holy of all high holidays for liburty and freedumb?

  22. Extemporanus

    Jack, a hole in “Meanwhile, Tony Hayward is in [?] flying around on his air yacht looking for investors…” appears to have spewed an oily hotbed of terriblism or two.

    PLUG THE DAMN SENTENCE!

    [re=613987]Oblios Cap[/re]: My sediments exactly.

  23. pdiddycornchips

    [re=613976]Oblios Cap[/re]:

    The 26th is my birthday. Can we name the storm after me? Please? I know PDiddycornchips is too long and that other Diddy would be up inside my grill if we used it so how ’bout hurricane chippy? We good with dat?

  24. Ducksworthy

    [re=613973]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Thank for the wHaley correction and yes what an inspiration to our youth/young people .

  25. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Wasn’t the ‘worst case scenario’ from the beginning of the spill that there would still be oil coming out up until August? Now the ‘best case scenario’ is four days earlier.

  26. GreyPanter

    [re=613925]TakingAmes[/re]: “Is there a reason shooting mud and stuff into the well is supposed to work this time? It didn’t work the last time they tried it, AT ALL, so why all the optimism?”

    Last time, they were not almost finished with the “relief well”. If they tap into the reservoir with a new well, the pressure might be lower in the leaky one, so it has a better chance of working. Also, with the relief well working, the BP stockholders will be making money from the deal, so everyone will be in a good mood and trying harder this time.

  27. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=613922]widget09[/re]: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of gay cannibals in Germany.

  28. Bearbloke

    Good Morning Wonkette! And a wonderfully cool crisp refreshing morning it is, ‘tho there might be a bit of snow tonight… well, I’ll just wear my woolen jumper and she’ll be apples!

    Anyway, I notice the Int’l noozfeedz haven’t mentioned the Gulf as much as before – so then, is the Gulf of Mexico completely dead yet? Has the Govt laid in a plan to deal with the millions of displaced and other refugees from the coast & cities facing Category 5 petrol-hurricanes? Have seafood prices yet started to climb?

    I wonder if the Vietnamese fishermen has planned a return to Vietnam…

  29. user-of-owls

    [re=614008]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: That all depends on whether they get the Duck Boats up and running in time.

  30. Oblios Cap

    [re=614000]pdiddycornchips[/re]:

    Sure – unless it’s a “D” name; if so, we’ll use Diddy.

  31. BobTheBuilder

    Instead of calling plugging the hole with mud “bottom kill,” I wish they’d call it “fudge packing.” Then you can use that classic picture of Mitt Romney again.


  32. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    I knew if I managed to avoid the sex and gay stuff, you all would come through. <3

  33. sati demise

    [re=614091]BobTheBuilder[/re]: well, technically it could be called ‘mud packing’ or ‘concrete packing’.

    obligatory:
    fu*bp

  34. Red Zeppelin

    You know I was thinking more a gay sex homicide deal, which would make a pretty good summer thriller, but I don’t know anyone in Hollywood, on account of the fact I am not Jewish (whoops). Just kidding. I love Bibi. Really, I have the script half written.

  35. imissopus

    [re=614000]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Hey, mine too. Let’s vote on it. Hurricane imissopus has such a nice ring to it.

  36. Neilist

    Would these BP people PLEASE get going and use a nuke?

    (I KNEW this kind of thing would happen when they passed that STUPID federal law outlawing the private ownership of “nuclear devices.”)

Comments are closed.