Put up a Bible verse and cue space music! Wonkette operative “Gene” writes us from his Congressional e-mail account (HEY THAT IS FOR TAXPAYERS NOT YOUR WONKETTE) that he’s “not quite sure this guy isn’t Eric Wareheim.” Well we aren’t either, and certainly that man’s show and submarine sandwiches seem to be a theme for us today. Also Pagels’ voice is eerily similar to that of the late Richard Dunn. But if you are real, Ernest J. Pagels, GREAT JOB!
This is very important: Wonkette readers in Wisconsin need to help us out with information on this man, as this could very well be the next Alvin Greene. Well, the next opposite of Alvin Greene, as this man does not seem wise and Daoist. And he hates porn.
As simple Google search shows us that Ernest J. Pagels once tried to sue some people because he thought their children vandalized his car, but he had no proof of this. BUT WE NEED MORE.
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Wait a minute. Remind me again. Who’s Alvin Greene?
Commie sandwich lover
Russ Feingold is trembling in fear!
Gawddammit Grammah, back up and qwit using the zoooooom!
This name anagrams to “Strangle Jr jeeps.”
While I disagree with his plans to outlaw abortion, porn, and homosexuality, I do agree with his support for pulled pork sandwiches.
I love the shot-at-Motel-6 kinescope look of that clip, and the tail end of the sandwich ad.
I love the way Ernest J Pagels seems to be drunk or high or just waking up.
I love that Ernest J Pagels describes himself as a “US veteran.”
Today we are all US veterans, except for you Canuckistanis that hang around here making fun of our very serious American politics.
Not to be confused with Ernest T. Bass.
Mmm, Waukesha county: where white flight flees to!
“I’m Ernest J. Pagels Jr. and I definitely don’t have any decomposing corpses under a false floor in my shed. Don’t even bother to look.”
The impotence of being Ernest has lead him to despise all forms of sexual expression.
(NOTE: Ernest does not consider snowballing bull semen while recording a political ad a form of sexual expression.)
[re=613829]JMP[/re]: New political slur: “This man is all about pork!”
[re=613831]V572625694[/re]: Hey, many of us are Americans *in* Canuckistan, mainling american politics from our wonkette straight into our absurdity-deprived veins.
[re=613841]Extemporanus[/re]: …the hell do you snowball with a bull? That seems like a good way to get kicked, or gored, or something. Man, since I left, cow-tipping in Wisconsin has become so much more exxxtreem…
Needs more ‘Mike,mike,mike Wahnsteen, looking out for you and me, Mike,mike,mike Whansteen’
[re=613848]Radiotherapy[/re]: Gah, it’s still there! Get out of my head!!
(mike, mike, mike – mike weinstein. Fixing the e-conomeeee!)
Wait a second, I went to Subway just the other day, asked for the pulled pork sandwich and was told it wasn’t available, that they “might” have it tomorrow! (This is the absolute truth.)
Ernest J. Pagels, I am getting tired of your broken promises. If you can’t deliver the pork, then stay the hell out of Washington!
How would he outlaw homosexuality, anyway? He could try to bring back anti-sodomy laws (of course they’ve been found unconstitutional; but so is outlawing abortion as he also promises, porn that doesn’t cross into obscenity too), but that wouldn’t make the gays any less gayer. Maybe he believes those bullshit gay conversion therapies actually work, even when run by a guy who needs young men to lift his luggage?
Jesus Christ, the blinking!
Ahem:
“Disorderly – Ernest J. Pagels, 46, of the City of Waukesha was cited for disorderly conduct after two witnesses saw him urinate on a tire on a vehicle parked at Waukesha County Technical College at about 6:40 p.m. Feb. 24.”
[re=613844]Mad Brahms[/re]: Here, here Mad Brahms! Do you expect me to follow Canadian politics with their elections every 6 months and weird insistence on electing the most boring human beings alive?
Wow that guy is SO DRUNK! He can barely enunciate his own name.
And yes, “US Veteran” is awesome. I’m going to update my resume right now.
[re=613844]Mad Brahms[/re]: Well then, that makes you a US veteran like Ernest J Pagels.
[re=613858]Joshua Norton[/re]: Holy crap! Waukesha County is just a steaming hotbed of crazy.
[re=613839]Mad Brahms[/re]:
As a friend of mine says, the only thing the Elm Grove/Brookfield crowd has to worry about is tripping over random piles of money.
I don’t know. I don’t know if I like this…he appears to possibly have PTSD. This looks pretty dang familiar.
Alvin Greene, on the other hand, is simply divine.
[re=613861]An American in Toronto[/re]: They did teach us the word “prorogue”, though, which is pretty neat. But where are the crazy teabagger types? When I got here, all my Canadian friends were saying “oooh, Harper is such an evil conservative”, and sure, maybe he is on a policy level – but he’s so bland! It’s the most boring kind of evil ever! Thank god for Wonkette.
On the other hand, I’ve seen more LaRouchites in Montreal than anywhere else in my life; fuckers are everywhere. Maybe they’ve found a good audience for their brit-hate among the frenchies?
[re=613858]Joshua Norton[/re]: Ah, the ability to easily pull up dirt from police blotters and the circuit courts is one of the best things about my former state. I still remember finding out a teabaggy coworker was arrested for soliciting a male prostitute, and, after he berated one of our openly gay employees, anonymously submitted said information on the day he called in “sick” to go to court. He’s probably on Pagels’ campaign now!
Well at least he’ll get Vern’s vote.
[re=613839]Mad Brahms[/re]: I got kicked-off my high school golf team for beating up a kid from Waukesha on the 18th hole of that soulless shitscape’s public golf course, partly because he kept sticking his dick in my face whenever I bent over to put, but mostly just because.
Best part? The punk’s name was Putz (seriously). I wonder when Pagels changed his name…
[re=613847]Mad Brahms[/re]: Dude, you mean you never used to carry around a Big Gulp full of bull spunk just in case? I ditched cheese & Jesus over a decade ago — thank God California has happy cows, too, or I probably be jacking-off condors or something to get my fix!
[re=613864]freakishlystrong[/re]: You have no idea. The place is one big, banal, pre-planned, suburban carcinoma of big box-worshipping cancer cells masquerading as assistant little league molestation coaches and Mary Kay cosmetic door-to-door sadness whores.
[re=613852]eyegoneblack[/re]: Could be slightly worse, it could have that Casio #42 ‘Sappy’ piano drilling into your brain like, well, like a hookworm.
“Wonkette readers in Wisconsin need to help us”.
So that’s what it takes? Our own possible Bachmann.
I see how you are new “editors”.
What’s the big deal? Standard-issue, central-casting, early 21st-century (our nation’s last!) Republican candidate.
For your health!
He’s also an Associate Instructor of Constitutional Prophecy at Glenn Beck U., so he can divine The LORD’s intent by picking random letters out of the text and interpreting them. It’s too bad he doesn’t drive a truck ™ or he’d be a shoo-in.
[re=613875]Extemporanus[/re]: That’s the greatest / most accurate summation of Waukesha county and its residents I have yet heard, really.
Also, man, there are a lot of Putz-es in Wisconsin! Was his name “Joe”, by any chance? For some reason the name sounds faintly familiar, though I have repressed much of the time I spent in the conservative hellhole of a high school I may have known him from.
At the end of the vid, there’s a quote from Jeebus himself that he’ll be with us til the end of days. So that either means he approves of homosexuality, porn, and abortion, because he’s with us and he allows them, or that he’s a pussy, because he doesn’t like them but can’t stop them, even though he’s with us. These are the only two possible explanations.
Whether it’s due to our Socialist Muslim President or the shaky economy or a plague of idiocy everyone who loves Jeebus and hates taxes is now qualified and advised to run for public office. We can scrape by with professional hypocritical wingnuts in office but may have trouble with amateurs trying to do the job.
[re=613889]Mad Brahms[/re]: [re=613875]Extemporanus[/re]: This poor sad clown isn’t running for the lowly house either, he’s running for the Senate? Who has convinced all these delusional tricorners that have urinated on peoples tires that this is even a remote possibility?
We can only hope some enterprising reporter treks up to the wilds of Wisconsin to go interview him at his Dad’s place while Dad naps on the couch!
The man is against porn?
He is dead to me.
[re=613897]chascates[/re]: [re=613900]freakishlystrong[/re]: It’s been a progression (degression) ever since Reagan. In 1980 it seemed as though US Americans had gone mad, electing a shallow, dimwitted, vapid twit President. Now, in comparison to many of our fine reps, Reagan looks like a combination of Albert Shweitzer, Albert Einstein, and Albert Gore. If you know Jeebus, there’s no need to know anything else (vd G W Bush).
[re=613901]HelmutNewton[/re]: To paraphrase King of Comedy, “Mom! We’re trying to do an interview down here.”
4 edits to complete his lines? That can’t be good. The music sounds like it’s from Chariot of the Gods.
[re=613900]freakishlystrong[/re]: Ordinarily, I’d say if you’re going to lose anyway, you might as well aim laughably high so your stupid loss gets remembered as a SPECTACULAR loss. On the other hand, this is Wisconsin, so being an inebriated fundamentalist with a face like a blanched schlong does not guarantee failure. At all.
With his weird accent/speech impediment, it sounded to me at first like he said he wants to “allow” abortion, porn, and homosexuality”.
Wait a tic – Richard Dunn died? Oh NOES!
[re=613917]Way Cool Larry[/re]: Yes, me too. Maybe I have this guy all wrong and should be working for his campaign. And he definitely looks like someone who’s got hot man on badger videos on his harddrive.
I am Ernest J Pagels, and I do not approve of enunciation.
I couldn’t understand a word he said. My mind was still reeling from contemplating the gastronomic obscenity of a Subway Cuban pulled pork sandwich.
I’m still reeling from the realization that after eight years of solid bushcheneyrepublicancongressconservative shitstorm, there are candidates out there who will proudly say “I’m a conservative freakazoid” and then there are thousands of people who will instantly vote for them no matter what.
Eliminate bad porn.
[re=613914]edgydrifter[/re]: I wouldn’t malign Wisconsin so much; it’s gone blue many elections in a row now, and both Milwaukee and Madison, the two population centers, are solidly democractic. Sure, Paul Ryan and Sensenbrenner are from WI, but so is Russ Feingold, Tammy Baldwin, and Gwen Moore. Even some of the counties in Northern WI are contestable due to a strong union history.
Shitholes like Brookfield and hick-dens like the Winnebago area do make the state look bad, though, admittedly.
[re=613889]Mad Brahms[/re]: Thank you kindly, fellow ex-Scon! However, in retrospect I fear my description may have bestowed upon the area a greater level of character than it actually possesses.
If the color beige had a zip code, it would be known as “Waukesha”.
Regarding that Putz putz:
Ya know, the name “Joe” actually does kinda ring a bell — this would’ve been in the late 80s, so who knows? Maybe!
What I mostly remember — aside from his leopard print Jockey underwear and homophobic wisecracks — is that we were the last foursome of the meet, my foot on his throat tee-ing up his tiny, pockmarked head for a monster drive, his teammates leaning out the school bus windows chanting “PUTZ! PUTZ! PUTZ!”, and his coach standing off to the side with his arms crossed and an ever-so-slight smile creeping across his blotchy, mustachioed face.
Good times, dude. Good. Fucking. Times…
Seeing as how he’s a Republican, I’m calling bullshit on the U.S. veteran claim.
Also, I like the “I’m a VERY conservative Republican” line.
Smart move to distance himself from all those RINO’s like Bachmann, Palin, Beck, Hannity, Limbaugh, etc.
It’s all porn, gays, balance the budget, blah blah blah. Where’s his plans to stimulate the economy? Where are the Earnest J. Pagels, Jr. action figures? I know Alvin Greene, and you sir are no Alvin Greene.
A search on http://wcca.wicourts.gov shows about 16 entries for him
[re=613941]Extemporanus[/re]: Ah, mine would’ve been late 90s, alas. Still, Putz-es! Horrible people, all.
[re=613954]muntaba[/re]: http://wcca.wicourts.gov/caseDetails.do;jsessionid=15BFDB0E643E7EA2CC5936529DE8F1B0.render6?caseNo=2004SC005629&countyNo=67&cacheId=6CDEEB90C514574984B96234E42C09E3&recordCount=34&offset=15
Fascinating – he sued a McDonald’s? A MCDONALD’S? Why does Ernest J. Pagels, Jr., hate capitalism / love frivolous lawsuits?
[re=613945]gurukalehuru[/re]: But he didn’t say WHAT he was a veteran of. Maybe he meant to infer that he has been an American for awhile.
no pic of him with his truck — I think he’s a commie….
I am Ernest J. Pagles. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
[re=613961]Mad Brahms[/re]: Waukesha wants to steal your Canadian water! Seriously. The local wells have too much radioactive crap in them and they’re just over the hill from the Lake Michigan watershed, so they’re petitioning the local states and provinces to get permission to use Great Lakes water. Don’t let them!
Ernest J Pagels: Crazy from the radium poisoning?
[re=613977]Nigel[/re]: Don’t I know it! They’ve been trying that shit forever, though, including when I lived in Milwaukee county and we were all like “hahahaha, silly Waukesha, you don’t want our Crytpo-water!”
In other related news, the Pabst Farms development project in Waukesha county was supposed to basically construct a series of parking lots and shopping centers directly on top of the only spot in the area where the aquifer recharges, making an old earth sciences professor of mine quite irritated. But then a combination of racism (the Waukeshans didn’t want to provide bus service to actually get Those People out to work minimum wage jobs serving them) and Our Flourishing Economy took care of the whole thing, and maybe we won’t run out of those things necessary for our precious bodily fluids, the end!
I found his Gnostic Gospels book intriguing, though.
[re=613927]Gorillionaire[/re]: This surprises you? These people think everything W did was super-perfect and God’s will, except for that one time when he let congress shoot down that last round of tax cuts for the rich. They will never, ever ever learn and the only reason they are allowing the rest of us to even live is the fact that we outnumber them at least 2:1.
[re=613926]Cicada[/re]: I can’t back you on the Cuban Pork Pull sandwich; that thing looks absolutely delicious. Although I bet the megatons of sodium that thing probably has in it would bring my migraines back, pronto.
EJP, Jr.. likes hawt federal court action:
http://dockets.justia.com/search?q=Pagels+J+Ernest%2C+Jr.
Pagels likes hawt federal-court plaintiff-on-defendant action:
http://dockets.justia.com/search?q=Pagels+J+Ernest%2C+Jr
He forgot the best part:
ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS
EXCEPT EUROPA
ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE
“Which way did he go George? Which way did he go?”
This is why it is so important to develop a comprehensive solution to the problem of school bullying.
[re=613857]The Church of Realism[/re]: His mouth is what frightened me the most. There’s something very wrong about it.
[re=613870]Mad Brahms[/re]: Montreal is well-known as one the world centers of franco-phone weirdness, of all sorts.
Well, this race is definitely one to watch!
How did a republican man get pussy-warts on his face, anyway?
Like Mad Brahms and An American in Toronto, I’m an American living in Canuckistan. At first I found politics here boring (altho the demonstrations during the G20 recently might refute this premise somewhat), but perhaps Canadians and more importantly the Canadian media are less infatuated with past tire pissing, homosexuality, hookers and trying to be “Enquiring” minded and concern themselves more with actual issues.
I think this lack of star fucking is shameful and wrong headed as any contemporary American would, perhaps the answer is to send a few bus loads of our courageous, outspoken, fearless and independent TV anchors and reporters northward to be clubbed like baby seals?
[re=613831]V572625694[/re]: Not only am I an American Veteran (the Pagels kind, anyway), I’m registered to vote both here and in Wisconsin. So I might even vote for the fucker, strictly for the long-distance comedy of course.
Oh man! Wisconsin had Dahmer, and now this?
You’ll take my porn when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!
Are US politicians getting dumber and more viscious? Or am I just getting old and cranky?
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