family heartache and family methache

Levi Johnston Is Now a Puppet For the Palins, Important News Blog Reports

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America's Family is in tatters.Hours ago, it was revealed that Levi Johnston, who is BACK ON with Trig or Tapper or whichever Palin he made a baby with, now says that some things he said in the past about the Palins are not true. His sister Mercede saw this and took to her blog with the news that LEVI IS NO LONGER TALKING TO HER OR HER MOTHER and SHE WENT FOUR-WHEELING THIS WEEKEND and SHE OWNS AN IPHONE and LEVI IS NOW A “PUPPET” FOR THE PALINS. Those things Levi said in the past seemed like the truth to Mercede when he told them to her, so they must have been true and now his brain has been drilled-baby-drilled with Palin brainwashing.

The four-wheeling thing is a very good framing device for this revelation, by the way:

I went four wheeling, roasted marshmallows, hiked, shared some laughter, and most importantly cleared my head and got away from all the drama that seems to overwhelm my life lately.

After about four hours of fun out on a four-wheeler I finally stopped someplace where there was a clear signal and checked my I-phone. I found that I had received a number of messages, but there was one which caught my attention, immediately made my heart beat faster, and brought a tear to my eye.

The message was from my mother saying that Levi, who has not spoken to us since he rekindled his relationship with Bristol (although we had attempted repeatedly to call or text him), left a message saying that if I did not take my blog down by Wednesday that I would never get to see him, or Tripp, again.

I could not believe it! I thought to myself if he was really willing to make such a threat that he would at least have the decency to call me and talk about it first. I mentioned on my blog repeatedly that my intention was not to hurt or attack the Palins, but to speak out and tell the public my side of the story. As well as how badly my life, and the lives of our family members, had been impacted by our association with the Palins.

It had my mind spinning. How could my brother threaten me like this?

Oh no! Levi has forgotten who his real family is! He will never return to his ancestral meth den! How can you do this, Levi? America and American Letters need Mercede’s blog. Don’t make her choose! (By the way, there is a PayPal box on her blog. Donate if you love grassroots white trash journalism!)

I wish Levi could be the man I know he is and have a mind of his own and finally stand his ground, but I guess he is blinded by love. I just wish he would take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

If everyone claps their hands and believes in Levi, the evil Palin spell with be broken. He will no longer be a puppet and will once again be a real centerfold boy. [ via Andrew Sullivan]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Jim89048

    I withhold comment until she discloses with whom she “shared laughter”.

  • OzoneTom

    He’s 100% a member of the Palin fambly now. He’s already named after an article of clothing so can keep his first name.

  • facehead

    I’m pretty sure Levi made babies with Truck (not Trig), or maybe it was Treehorse, but anyway I tried the hand clapping thing whilst believing in Levi, and boy are my hands tired (from masturbating).

  • whatifimgay

    that sound was andrew sullivan’s heart breaking in two…

  • BlueStateLiberal

    Geez, can you only imagine the circus if Palin had been elected vice president? Say what you will about Obamer, but at least he spared us this.

  • BigDupa

    Be strong Chevy Cavalier! When the Montagues and Capulets were feuding, did Tybalt take down his blog? Hell no!

  • ManchuCandidate

    It looks like Levi is either playing the Kay Adams or Carlo Rizzi role of the Godfather, er, GodMother, um, Palin Family drama.

  • GOPCrusher

    This is quickly beginning to resemble an episode of Cops. Or maybe a new TruTV show, “When White-Trash Attacks!” hosted by Tonya Harding.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Snowbilly probably threatened to have Levi’s little levi chomped off by a rabid wolf. Or that he’d never get to see his kid again, who, in his defense, he probably does want to see every once in a while.

  • PinkyTuscadero

    After about four fun hours on a four wheeler i finally stopped to check my wonketes and I discovered that that old wrinkly ginger sack Kathy Griffith had finally stopped offering Levis enough money to humiliate himself on the D List that Sarah and co started to look appealing again. Damn, Levis, stop a minute. Maybe there’s another way. I mean, if you’re into loud red-heads… and old broads…

  • harry palmer

    If he lived in AR instead of AK, he could be tagging his sister instead of that skank Bristol, which is probably what Mercede’s pissed about anyway. (Or is banging your rels already cool in Alaska, too? It seems to share other characteristics with the South.)


    Mercede? I guess the parents couldn’t afford the “s.” I suppose that explains why the boy is named “Levi” and not “Levis.”

  • PinkyTuscadero

    and humiliation

  • disgustedcitizen

    Seriously, you really can’t blame the guy for cutting off his “trucknutz” and climbing back in bed, literally and figuratively, with the Palin gang. I mean what’s he going to do once his 15 minutes of fame are up? Work at the Wassila Walmart for minimum wage? The Snowbilly grifters have bucks and even though they sometimes have to give some of them back, I am sure Levi believes there is enough he can get a piece of the pie – again, literally and figuratively.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0


  • ManchuCandidate

    ???? Kathy Griffin rode the Levi train????

  • Rosie Scenario

    Mercede can write a heck of a lot better than Palin, I’ll say that for her. Then again, that’s not saying all that much.

  • God Hates Faps

    What’s with all these silly made-up names? Does ANYBODY in Alaska have a good old-fashioned ‘Murican first name?

  • Radiotherapy

    Just quit liaring. It’s so ea$y.
    These snowbillies are more messed up than Grace Slick at Woodstock.
    Worst case of hookworms I’ve ever seen.

  • JMP

    Levi loves the Palins, much better than cats; he is going to see them again and again.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    (Note: Too Long and Full Up with White Trash; (thus) Didn’t Read)

    Also, needs moar also.

  • Old Redneck

    Levi is doing the right thing: Following the money!!!

    If he kisses and makes up with Bristol, maybe even marries her, he then becomes part of the Palin fortune.

    Not bad for a high school dropout and self-described redneck.

  • Aurelio

    Here is my hypothesis. Sarah told Levi she would sue his ass from Nome to NYC if he didn’t recant. Levi is stupid, but he is not crazy. He is also poor, and cannot afford his own professional liar, esq., to defend him. So he recanted.

  • harry palmer

    [re=613275]Rosie Scenario[/re]: Seriously; it’s vapid and shallow, but grammatically far superior to your average tea party placard or Red State comment.

  • JMP

    [re=613262]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Not the Godfather; the better analogy is, well, right in your username, with Sarah in the Angela Lansbury role. Until it plays out it’s hard to tell if Levi or Mercede is Sinatra.

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=613276]God Hates Faps[/re]: Todd Palin

  • Hart88

    Bitch needs to buy a vowel and STFU

  • you didn’t ask, but

    Yeah. They paying that kid and the Playgirl money ran out. Levi was the first one to indicate Sarah’s griftiness even before she resigned as Govenor.
    [re=613261]BigDupa[/re]: Funny. [re=613258]whatifimgay[/re]: “O Levi, thou hast cleft my heart in twain.” That kid knows the real shit w/ that baby, no doubt.
    [re=613265]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Sadly, I think that’s true. He’s way out of his depth with this ruthless, grifting bunch.

  • edgydrifter

    Mama Grizzlebees has a Valdez-sized pile of golden Ameros and tattooed lipliner that doesn’t leave incriminating smudges. Of COURSE Levi is back in tight with the first family of grift. He’s dim, but not hopelessly stupid.

  • V572625694

    “…if he was really willing to make such a threat…”

    Sorry to point this out, but Mercede’s otherwise excellent post contains (in the sentence above) an egregious grammatical error inconsistent with the literary excellence of the rest of it. You’d think such a fine writer as Mercede would know that statements contrary to fact should be made in the subjunctive mode:

    “…if he were really willing to make such a threat…”

    Plus all these people should be exiled even farther from civilization than Wasila.

  • DonkeyPants

    I’m assuming “four-wheeling” is a reference to a sex act in Urban Dictionary involving meth, an ab roller, and the hood of a Camaro.

  • marioninnyc

    The kid knows too much. This is an example of keeping your enemies closer. In a few months he’ll keel over and die of “food poisoning” or maybe a mysterious snow-mobiling/polar bear “accident.”

  • SayItWithWookies

    I went four wheeling, roasted marshmallows, hiked, shared some laughter, and most importantly cleared my head and got away from all the drama that seems to overwhelm my life lately.

    Yeah Peugo, or whatever your name is — if there’s one thing for sure about drama queens, it’s that they certainly don’t bring it on themselves by posting their entire brother’s scandalous life on their blog. Damn drama just rains down on you without your even asking for it, you poor innocent thing. It’s like those people last weekend who just happened to have blowing-up firecrackers in their hands at the wrong time — these things just happen at random.

  • hockeymom

    Which network/production company is going to take on Clan Palin by offering Mercede either:

    1. A reality show
    2. A “guest correspondent” gig on an entertainment show.

    Place your bets now.

  • nappyduggs

    This is the sort of “sharing” and “laughter” that you do at a rock quarry, with your cut-offs down round your anklet. It also gets you some open sores. Btw, did Mercede not see what having “Amy Winehouse” hair did to Amy Winehouse? And a four-wheeler, too? My, my. Her next post will probably let us all in on the news from Choctaw Ridge, that Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Talahatchee bri-i-iiidge.

  • Okie Dokie Dog

    hmmmm… marshmallows.

  • One Yield Regular

    May Lindsay Lohan’s judge sentence every single person associated with this story to 90 days in jail.

  • Cmoney

    I would like to bring to your attention another high-quality example of journalism but of a different smell. And, that would be VernD’s contribution, a commenter of Mercedes heartening blog who writes:

    “Be who you are and say what you feel,
    Because those who mind DON’T MATTER,
    and those who matter don’t mind.”
    Dr. Seuss

    Be strong M.
    Best to you and your Mom.

    That is nearly as good as “…ancestral meth den…”.

  • Cornhusker Kickback

    [re=613314]hockeymom[/re]: I’d like to put $5 on VH1 reality dating program please.

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=613314]hockeymom[/re]: I’m going to go with a couple of “Barely Legal” Hustler Productions movies, then an extended exotic dancing tour. With a name like Mercede Johnston, it can’t fail.

  • jetjaguar

    jesus christ, there’s nothing more rednecky than a quad

  • wilbro

    Mercede is a fine writer, but what she needs to take it to the next level is an internship with a pro, like Joe McGinness. Perhaps there’s even a residential program.

  • ImBarb

    I feel dirty after reading this story from these two private and discreet families. Really dirty, like Bristol dirty after she had to go up on that national stage for the first time and hide her huge baby lump with the blanket, holding her little brother baby lump. What clever camouflage that was!

    Don’t worry, Mercedes! You just feel like skank-testant #2 for now. Your brother will be a skank-pronger for now and then one day he will be jerking off with a pair of Sarah’s Spanx that he found in the kitchen, drip drying after Todd hand washed them, and he will see the big JOHNSON 144 font tattoo that he has on his arm and he will remember you back from when you two were just two little kittens, clawing for nipple rotation and he will call you again. When he does, please remind him on his way out to grab a lock of TriG’s hair and scrape of few of Sarah’s discarded chin hairs out of the kitchen sink, (hopefully, Todd removed the dishes before he peed into the sink)so that we can all know who to send TriG’s little birthday gifts to. Do they go to Sarah’s house, Bristol’s house or Greta’s house?

  • Tommmcatt

    Who cares? Dick shot or GTFO.

  • blader

    I sometimes wonder if the Michael and Marcus Vick families exhibit similar dysfunctions?

  • Terry

    Hey, Mercede is accepting PayPal donations via her web page starting at $10. What a shock.

  • friendlyskies

    The “liberal media” my ass. If they *really* cared about us, they’d be hiring Levi to be on every TV show, movie, magazine spread… anything to keep him on all the meth and jetskis he needs, without having to go back to Sarah. I’m going to do my part, for communist Muslim arrugula farmers, by donating to Mercede’s blog. Not because I want to, but because I have to. WE have to.

  • BobTheBuilder

    [re=613353]Terry[/re]: Why, that’s an entire month’s tuition at Sarah Palin’s sixth and current university.

  • Barrelhse

    [re=613269]BOOBIES![/re]: Leave off the last “S” for Savings!!

  • surfacenoise76

    [re=613269]BOOBIES![/re]: Mom assumed Mercedes was only suitable if she had twins.

  • Roach

    What the hell does that tattoo on Levi’s arm say? “Hurrr I’m A Durrr”?

  • Bordo

    Whenever I read about the Palins and the Johnstons, I long for the days of erudition, class, style and intelligence of the Clampetts. Now, those were some ‘billies who knew their shit.


    That’s such a cute pic of Mercede and Levi and there baby!! How old is Tug now? She must be like almos 3!/! Mercede should just be like, well, you can’t see Tug, and if you try, I’ll tell the cops you let her smoke your bong and I took the picture!

  • Simba B

    Andrew Sullivan has really given up on any pretense to being high-brow, hasn’t he?

  • Surfeit O’Hubris

    [re=613410]Simba B[/re]: Well, the man did once take the nom de web RawMuscleGlutes, so I think it’s fair to say that pretense was always rather tenuous.

  • chascates

    At least when global warming hits its stride most of Alaska will melt and run into the sea.

  • OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin

    My favorite has been Gryphen of Immoral Minority who had a public shite fite that Bro. Johnston could betray the cause wtf!, whatever the cause is, at this point. He’s probably still smarting from getting his ars outed by some Palinite (either Dan Riehl of Riehl World View or professional bigot Robert Stacy McCain/The Other McCain [who shares the world’s most famous ghostwriter Lynn Vincent, a writing partner]). I don’t think it was the best idea to use Mercede as the source for what got him outed, claiming SP and Taaahd were divorcing, throwing rings in lakes, etc., but what would I know.

    The Palins are worse-than-tabloid, but they are not the only ones. I am enjoying, though, politics as spectator sport.

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Say what you will about Mercede, but the writing on that blog is way, way, way better than the comments section at The Corner and Redstate.

  • ms_mcgee

    That’s a yes on the Kathy Griffin front. Drill baby drill:


    Levi looked at his future and realized there were only two options: make up with the Palins and maybe get a little piece of the grifter spoils, or turn tricks at the Wasilla truck stop for a few seasons until he was too fat to attract johns anymore.

  • user-of-owls

    This saga is as much fun as a barrel full of lemurs!

    Wait, no it’s not. It’s not even close that much fun. Maybe a barrel full of, I dunno, what’s the most simultaneously absurd and boring thing you could stuff a barrel full of?

  • Troubledog

    Alaska has a requirement that you be named after a garment, something that can be found in a shed, a vehicle, or a subject you hated in high school.

  • PsycGirl

    [re=613269]BOOBIES![/re]: I believe “Mercede” may have been pronounced “Mercy Dee” for her first 15 years or so, until they got cable.[re=613315]nappyduggs[/re]: She’s “sharing laughter”, yes, but “laughter” is the code name for the results of the latest meth cook. Sharing laughter may seem expensive now but will pay off when the next oil subsidy check comes in.


    [re=613445]PsycGirl[/re]: I have one Mercede. When I murder the Wilkinsons and take their meth territory (they control SW Wasilla) I will then be rich, and have two Mercedes.

  • PsycGirl

    [re=613450]NYNYNY[/re]: Sounds like an SAT practice test…

  • bago

    [re=613441]user-of-owls[/re]: Those sticky wall walking gooey things with all of the tentacles.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Really, it amazes me that anyone with an IQ over 80 would give a flying fuck about these idiots.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=613454]bago[/re]: Perfect!

  • user-of-owls

    [re=613456]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Years ago a friend in industrial psych told me that the standard used to determine the appropriate intelligence level when writing instructions to accompany a product was: Minimal Ability Impaired. In other words a retard who was drunk. That’s who gives a flying fuck about these idiots.

  • Barrelhse

    [re=613441]user-of-owls[/re]: um, hse?

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    Mercede will prolly end up in Playboy, but I’d love it even more if she got a regular column on the Wonkette.

  • bloatedwhitetruck

    I could be wrong, but I think Levi’s just bidding his time till he can get to the musty hamper filled with Sarah’s granny panties and such. I predict Sarah’s fecund buckets will be available on ebay in 2-3 weeks. I know plenty of good citizens in Arizona would paid handsomely for such a treasure. Levi may look tupid, but I’m sure he has thought this one through.

  • zhubajie

    [re=613269]BOOBIES![/re]: “Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations. O my soul, come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united: for in their anger they slew a man, and in their selfwill they digged down a wall. Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel: I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel.”

    Gen 49: 5-7

  • zhubajie

    [re=613308]marioninnyc[/re]: Hunting accident. Todd will mistake him for a bear or something.

  • zhubajie

    [re=613410]Simba B[/re]: He want’s to be Jerry Springer but just doesn’t have the talent!

  • plowman

    Those Palin girls are kinda hot in trailer-trashy way. Plus they got money, Levi might not be as dumb as we thunk.

  • S.Luggo

    Hillbilly “Dallas”. Next they’ll start a-fightin’ and a-feudin’ over who gets Sarah’s Tupperware when she dies.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=613273]ManchuCandidate[/re]: For Levi it was dry run.

  • 23 Skidoo

    I grew up in Eastern North Carolina. And I thought we had the market cornered on rednecks and hillbillies. Great googly moogly.

    And coincidentally, I wonder if either of the Palin women have incorporated “Drill Baby Drill” into their dirty talk. Just wonderin’.

  • Libbygirl

    [re=613417]chascates[/re]: TOTAL WIN

  • Ducksworthy

    [re=613445]PsycGirl[/re]: Um. In the semi-biographical novel Top of the World is seemed to me that the invitation to “laugh with my wife” had a very specific meaning. My guess is that sharing laughs is a derivative of that, meaning with multiple partners.

  • Ducksworthy

    [re=613424]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: You know Slouching, I looked at that poem again the other day, and it, and your name, are starting to really creep me out.

  • zhubajie

    [re=613268]harry palmer[/re]: Who’s going to be the Faulkner of Alaska, turn all of this nonsense into high art?

  • WalkinwiththeKing

    Guess the porn thing didn’t pan out and the Palin’s are drawing in the rubes so….

  • WesternCorrespondent

    [re=614128]zhubajie[/re]: I’m guessing Joe McGinniss.