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Sex Detective Tipper Gore Doesn’t Believe Ex-Husband Groped Massage Lady

Someone is friends with this.The tabloids would have you believe that Al Gore wanted some masseuse person to touch his genitals one time years ago, but a respectable magazine, People, does not believe this, as they heard from one of Tipper Gore’s friends that she doesn’t believe it happened. “And they also say Al had an affair with a Tennessee Titans cheerleader one week,” the “friend” is quoted as saying, though nobody has said that, nor would we believe that, unless this is a BIG SCOOP that will come out soon with hott deets.

Also revealed: The now-separated Gores were recently seen “doing lake stuff,” according to this person, so make of that what you will. Wait, don’t! Gross!

Not revealed: who this “friend” is. But it is probably Al Gore himself, trying to provide himself spousal cover for his massage groping and trying to make us believe he could land himself an NFL cheerleader. [People]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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12 comments

  1. Mad Farmer Manifest

    The masseuse is just angry because she let him use the backdoor to release his second chakra while calling her “Butterstick”. Then he never called. He said she was The One for him, and he’d always be her crazed sex poodle. Heartbreaking.

  2. Doglessliberal

    He looks like a bloated walrus. If he got a Titans cheerleader to sleep with him, more power to him.

  3. slowuncle

    Hot news indeed! It even made the 11 O’Clock news here in Portland, Oregon!
    The “news report” consisted of a voice-over narration of the “reporter” video-taping: first, the cover of the Enquirer (w/photo of Al), then of human fingers opening said publication to the page with the article about Al & masseuse.
    I was too lazy to check cable news that nite & see if they were reporting on the People Magazine article about Al & masseuse.
    I don’t really know enough about video lighting to determine if the Enquirer’s pages show up better on tape than People’s. They use a different paper AND ink so it’s a pretty technical question probably best answered by someone from our fine news media industry…

  4. Mild Midwesterner

    [re=613204]slowuncle[/re]: We have a “fine” news media industry? Where?

  5. JMP

    It is nice to see our media take reports from the National Enquirer at face value and just assume they must be true. Except for those reports from 06 or 05 that Bush was back on the booze; hmm wonder why they just ignored that one…

  6. Allyson

    Um, “doing lake stuff?” Is that a new position or something?
    Well, I suppose it gives “global warming” a whole new meaning (sorry, I had to say it.)

  7. McDuff

    [re=613246]Allyson[/re]: Maybe it’s a whole ying and yang or land and sea thing — Republican “hike the Applachian Trail” while Democrats “do lake stuff.”

  8. V572625694

    [re=613251]McDuff[/re]: Or, if you’ve ever seen Lake Bell,
    from the HBO series “How to Make it in America,” you could imagine it would mean doing her, which is kind of a nice thing to imagine.

  9. Aurelio

    Do we hafta discuss Al’s sex life? I mean, is it really incumbent on us to put those images in each other’s minds? I mean, Al “The Blimp” Gore with a 54 year old massage lady. Jeebus. Why should I spoil the contents of my beautiful mind?

  10. Jukesgrrl

    Unless Al Gore has a reality show on E! or Bravo that I somehow missed (Top Dork? The Climate of Love? Politicalicious? Real Vice Presidents from States that Don’t Like Them?), no way has a Tennessee Titans cheerleader ever heard of him.

  11. Long Form Def Certificate

    Noted blog-person Clay Travis — he’s also an attorney — pulled a Titans cheerleader. So, anything’s possible.

    BGID.

Comments are closed.