IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:32 am July 7, 2010

Border Governors Don’t Want To Party With ‘Nerd’ Jan Brewer

by Josh Fruhlinger

  • She is planning her own, better partyTraditionally, the governors of all the states on both sides of the U.S.-Mexico border (did you know that Mexico has “states,” with “governors”?) get together once a year to “celebrate border bonhomie … issue proclamations and pledges to work together, air grievances and concerns behind closed doors.” In other words, they drink unseemly amounts of tequila and go to strip clubs. But this year the host was supposed to be Jan Brewer, and all the Mexican governors (plus Bill Richardson) are afraid she will personally deport them when they show up for the shindig, so they’re thinking about doing it somewhere else, or maybe not doing it at all, and Jan will cry at home by herself and tell herself that when she goes to college, people won’t be petty like this, they’ll recognize her as an interesting and unique person and want to hang out with her. [NYT]
  • Outgoing Hawaiian governor Linda Lingle vetoed Hawaii’s civil unions bill, and proposed that the concept be put to a popular vote, because that always goes well. [Star-Advertiser]
  • Levi Johnston claims that some of the hilarious and awesome things he said about the Palins after he and Bristol broke up were “were not completely true.” He is recanting now because he is a true romantic who wants Bristol to love him again. He is not saying which of his previous statements are lies because he needs leverage for future baby-momma drama. [WP]
  • Not enough people support tackily dressed toupee-wearing felon James Traficant’s Congressional bid, so he won’t be on the ballot, denying Wonkette easy posts for months. [AP]
  • Darrell Issa is officially the most annoying person in politics. [NYT]
 
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{ 40 comments }

Terry July 7, 2010 at 8:38 am

“Jan will cry at home by herself and tell herself that when she goes to college, people won’t be petty like this, they’ll recognize her as an interesting and unique person and want to hang out with her”

No, she’ll cry, then get angry and take it out on all the brown skinned people in her state.

Geogre July 7, 2010 at 8:41 am

Jan has obviously based her looks on “The Brady Bunch,” but her ideology has come from Chick Tracts, if nothing less intellectually strenuous. She actually seems to have Reagan’s delusions, despite not having the years on her to warrant them, and is now substituting movies for reality.

Perhaps the other governors don’t want to meet with her because… you know… of her tendency toward beheadings and mules.

freakishlystrong July 7, 2010 at 8:46 am

Her hatred and contempt mainfest themselves on her face. She reminds me of Nosferatu.

rmjag July 7, 2010 at 8:54 am

[re=612705]Terry[/re]: she’ll deport everyone so that she will be the most popular after she’s the only one left .

Mild Midwesterner July 7, 2010 at 8:57 am

As long as Levi’s Playgirl photos weren’t airbrushed, he can say whatever he wants to me.

Johnny Zhivago July 7, 2010 at 8:58 am

Brewer should try a Lady GaGa hairbow, I think it would look great on her.

Suds McKenzie July 7, 2010 at 9:01 am

Do it in Vegas Baby!

After the second day holed up in the Gov’s mansion bedroom writing and sketching in her journal about “the Cool Governors” she will “go hiking” for a few days, to Vegas. Renting a pastel colored late 70′s drop top Cadillac she will scream across the desert towards Sin City. Right across state lines, She will pick up Alejandro hitchhiking; fleeing the persecution he is sure is following him. After a not so brief “rest stop” with Alejandro she will realize that it is her self, her soul, her very womanhood that will now be persecuted for her actions.

3 days later she will let her Chief of Staff know she is headed back to the office.

Alejandro will get a job as a dishwasher at the Flamingo.

zhubajie July 7, 2010 at 9:02 am

So has she replied with a Mel-Gibson-like rant about ungrateful beaners, etc.?

freakishlystrong July 7, 2010 at 9:07 am

[re=612707]freakishlystrong[/re]: Forgive the link fail. Since 7:30 am, I’ve been interrupted by 350 people at 20 second intervals.

JMP July 7, 2010 at 9:11 am

Brewer probably believes she could have been governor of one of the cool states but had to settle for Arizona because affirmative action gave too many of those slots to minorities.

norbizness July 7, 2010 at 9:15 am

I loved the excerpts I read of the Issa interview. Finally, a reactionary Republican who revels in his assclownery, a boundless hypocrite who doesn’t practice contrition when called on it time after time after time… kind of like Dan Burton, but without the forensic experiments on watermelons.

ManchuCandidate July 7, 2010 at 9:28 am

They’re more afraid she’ll bore them to death with tales of her dad fighting the Nazis from the front lines of Nevada.

ella July 7, 2010 at 9:29 am

Even piled on top of her head like that, Jan’s hair has less height than Traficant’s.

weejee July 7, 2010 at 9:31 am

What is it with Arizona? We haz loyal Wonketteers from the Copper State. The eighty bazillion Udalls, Stuart, Mo, et al, are/were from AZ. Great & sensitive artists and writers are from or settled in the Grand Canyon State. But on a per capita basis, Arizona seems to spawn more conservative nutters than any other state. Is it too much heat or sun that damages the brains of those like McWalnuts, Sheriff Joe, and Batshit Brewer who venture out without hats or SP10^26? Is it too much copper in the water or maybe gilia monster b.o.?

Prommie July 7, 2010 at 9:34 am

Pigfucking shit-dog should just go die.

zhubajie July 7, 2010 at 9:35 am

I look forward to the day that she’s arrested in Mexico buying dope or doing something else illegal.

dr.giraud July 7, 2010 at 9:37 am

In that pic, Gov. Brewer looks sorta like Brett Somers from Match Game. Cue Gene Rayburn: “She wouldn’t let Bill Richardson into Arizona until he showed her his . . . BLANK!”

V572625694 July 7, 2010 at 9:37 am

[re=612717]freakishlystrong[/re]: These “jobs” with their “co-workers” and their constant demands for attention are the greatest threat to Wonkette comment quality. Something must be done!

Butterscotch Stalin July 7, 2010 at 9:41 am

Glue?

JMP July 7, 2010 at 9:48 am

[re=612729]weejee[/re]: I’ve read that Arizona is like the Florida of the West, where lots and lots of olds go to retire and wait to die. Being old; and unlike Florida retirees, almost all gentiles; they tend to be bitter racists who want the Mexican kids off their lawns.

madtowngooner July 7, 2010 at 9:57 am

[re=612717]freakishlystrong[/re]: Work in a toll booth on the NJ Turnpike, do you?

karen July 7, 2010 at 10:01 am

Ah Traficant. As soon as he got out of prison he got on the teevee and was saying tea party-esque things, which was really weird.

And actually, that’s his real hair. His wife cuts it for him. 17th District represent!

weejee July 7, 2010 at 10:04 am

[re=612758]JMP[/re]:

You are on to something there. The kosher crocheties in Florida get enough fiber with their bagels and rye bread and all. The Arizona gentile oldes with their Twinkies and Wonder Bread do not. It’s constipation critical mass.

El Pinche July 7, 2010 at 10:08 am

Being a sunbleached naugahyde faced racist bitch has its costs.

steverino247 July 7, 2010 at 10:09 am

Issa is in the district next to mine and the district where I work. Complete dick. He is largely responsible for the Davis recall that gave us Ahnold (who tries hard but can never succeed). He wanted to be Governor (why else fund the recall?) but was obviously told by some adult that he couldn’t have it and cried on TV. Running the gauntlet is too good for him. He should be treated like a bad Prussian private soldier every day for the rest of his life. With one of his fucking car alarms going off in his ear 24/7. Yeah, I feel better now.

bitchincamaro July 7, 2010 at 10:11 am

[re=612764]karen[/re]: His all-too-obvious inspiration.

El Pinche July 7, 2010 at 10:11 am

[re=612731]zhubajie[/re]: Or hiring ahleegals….you know that’s coming up soon.

Prommie July 7, 2010 at 10:17 am

[re=612758]JMP[/re]: Az also attracts every2-bit grifter and crazed 7-11 holdup artist from the cold states, who dream of moving their meth lab someplace warm. As a result, the streets are filled with random stupid desperado crime, people shooting convenience store clerks for a six-pack, and lots of inept burglers, who burgle when people are home. Therefore the olds all live in gated communities and even the nicest houses have nicely disguised, tasteful bars on the windows. The Olds live in a gun-clutching state of fear, and they transfer their fear, rage, and frustration on the browns. The white criminals also hate the browns, for raping them in prison.

Butterscotch Stalin July 7, 2010 at 10:29 am

No, but seriously, are we talking Elmer’s? Mucilage? What?

Darkness July 7, 2010 at 10:40 am

[re=612722]norbizness[/re]: I thought it was a cantaloupe, or maybe that’s just a better comedy word.

Jim89048 July 7, 2010 at 11:12 am

Issa is responsible for running me out of California, in a roundabout way with his funding of the recall of Davis. I stuck around long enough for my vote not to count, then ran for the border.
Y’all are pretty hard on Jan Brewer. She looks good for 87!
What? She’s not 87?

lighthouse July 7, 2010 at 11:23 am

[re=612758]JMP[/re]: mow it first . . . . then get the hell off.

JMP July 7, 2010 at 11:47 am

[re=612823]Jim89048[/re]: Since Brewer’s father managed to die fighting Nazis in 1952, there may be some time travel shenanigans going on here.

Joey Ratz July 7, 2010 at 12:22 pm

[re=612729]weejee[/re]: Most of the people who move here are either hoary snowbirds from the Midwest or tax-hatin’ reprobates from California. Yup, we get people leaving San Diego or Santa Barbara for Mesa because they don’t like income taxes. These people represent a powerful infusion of stupidity. Thus, though we get worse and worse, Arizona serves as the heat sink of America by draining other states of their worst elements. Think of us as a public good, improving the rest of the Lower 48 by sacrificing our sanity.

Mad Farmer Manifest July 7, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Hey! You Mexicans get off this land we stole from you!

GOPCrusher July 7, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Arizona boycotting the rest of America over their No Browns Allowed law, appears to be working out well for them.

lumpenprole July 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

[re=612729]weejee[/re]:
There’s an archipelago of GOP olds that starts somewhere in their Orange County Homeland, stretches through the valleys out to Palm Springs and then into the desert.

One nice thing about the Govenator, he made Issa cry on TV. Issa wasn’t a supporter of the recall, he was the one who got the travesty started in the first place and was forgotten in the ensuing circus.

sati demise July 7, 2010 at 2:19 pm

This is just like that prom where the gay girl and her girlfriend were first banned from going to the prom,
and then all the kids tricked the gay teen and her girlfriend into going to a fake prom, because ‘ack teh gay!

Except instead of ‘gay’ substitute ‘racist’.

Lono65 July 7, 2010 at 2:27 pm

SHE’S NOT OUR FUCKING GOVERNOR! WE DIDN’T ELECT HER!

President Obama stole our pleasantly not insane Governor and left us with a cryptkeeper who has the IQ of a dingleberry and the morals of a sewer rat. Janet Napolitano was the only thing keeping our fucktarded legislature from passing all this ridiculous shit, now she’s spending her days lookin’ at nekkid people as they pass thru airport security!

Thanks a lot, Hopey.

MsQuasimodo July 8, 2010 at 5:34 am

[re=612735]V572625694[/re]: “unemployment”

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