THE HOMOSEXUALS!  9:55 am July 7, 2010

Catholic Priest Sex Scandal Mysteriously Does Not Involve Child Molestation

by Evan Hurst

THE HOMOSEXUALS ARE COMING!This is unbelievable: What kind of a Catholic priest ARE you if your sex scandals are just a bunch of lame missionary gay butt sex? You’d better spice it up with a drug ring or something … oh, larceny? Okay, then, larceny it is.

To many of his supporters, the Rev. Kevin Gray is a humble servant of God who helped those in need, sacrificed for his flock and preached the Gospel at Sacred Heart Church in sermons described as soul-touching. But police say a months-long criminal investigation has revealed the 64-year-old Gray was leading an extravagant double life that his parishioners never knew about.

That secret life included male escorts hired in New York, $200,000 in restaurant bills — including dinners at Tavern on the Green — and hotel stays in the lap of Manhattan luxury, expenses amassed by Gray and paid for with the church’s money, police say.

The grand total for all of this super-gay cavorting? $1.3 million. Not only that, but he told his poor, poor parishioners that the reason he was gone all the time was that he was away battling cancer, but unless the cancer was named “Caleb” or “Tchad,” and the “battling” was some sort of incredibly saucy role-playing game, it’s safe to say that this guy is unfit to be giving Moral Guidance to anyone, due to the Stealing and the Lying — there are some sort of “Commandments” against those.  Anyway, if he’s convicted, it looks like he could be going to jail for up to 20 years.

But this is all so Protestant. You know? George Rekers did the whole “running away with male escorts” thing several months ago, and he did it better. Right this very minute, thousands of homosexuals are in airports around the world, making dirty jokes about “lifting each others’ luggage,” knowingly foreshadowing the gratuitous boning they will partake in when they reach Ibiza or Oklahoma or wherever it is gays go, and they have George Rekers to thank for that!

Father Kevin, on the other hand, is a just a tard who stole from sweet old Catholic grandmothers in Connecticut, and they intended for that money to go to teach the Rhythm Method to poor women in Africa, dammit, and now look what you’ve done, Father Kevin, now look what you’ve done!

This is the lamest Catholic sex scandal ever. [Republican-American/Gawker]

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facehead July 6, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Next thing you know they’ll be fucking women.

Country Club Jihadi July 6, 2010 at 10:15 pm

So, I guess those weren’t really “gluten-free communion wafers” after all?

Hunger Tallest Palin July 6, 2010 at 10:15 pm

Let he who is without sin cast the first boner.

chascates July 6, 2010 at 10:18 pm

My experience with reading the Bible (Catholic, Jewish, or Protestant) is pretty slight but I don’t recall a whole lot about sex being the major topic. Mainly it was wars, killing people, ravaging towns and the like. Modern day religions (at least Christian and Muslim) seem to be focused on sexual behavior and attending their respective houses of worship.

Who Would Jesus Screw?

Deelzebub July 6, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Snooze. Wake me when there is a story of a twenty-plus priest/nun/chimpanzee orgy or a good father caught on tape raping a squirrel.

user-of-owls July 6, 2010 at 10:21 pm

Man, the sex scandals are really taking a toll on the sex scandals.

CivicHoliday July 6, 2010 at 10:25 pm

In other news, the Pope refused to answer questions as to why several immensely rare and expensive paintings have recently disappeared from the Vatican museum

Surfeit O'Hubris July 6, 2010 at 10:26 pm

Well, as some as there’s SOME buttsecks, I guess it’s okay to post stories like this here.

weejee July 6, 2010 at 10:28 pm

teach the Rhythm Method to poor women in Africa

If you stick with ass fucking, then the rhythm method works every time! Guaranteed!!! The Church needs to start preachin’ ’bout the back door.

Aflac Shrugged July 6, 2010 at 10:31 pm

If I knew that even raping children on the job couldn’t get me fired, I’m not sure how careful I’d be with the expense account either.

WarAndG July 6, 2010 at 10:39 pm

Yeah but didn’t you hear? There is a troubled movie star going to jail soon. Why do you lame stream media libs never report about the things that matter to America?

Why you all so obsessed with men humping men who are obsessed about men not humping men but can’t seem to stop obsessing about it when they subject of Jesus arises.

SayItWithWookies July 6, 2010 at 10:39 pm

Dear old ladies, the simple and the credulous —

Don’t worry about that filthy priest sounding so wise and persuasive and then taking all your money to spend on lavish dinners and entertainment with Russian and half-Asian rentboys. It’s not like if it had been applied in the manner the Church intended it would’ve done anything better, and it probably would’ve been used for much worse. And it wouldn’t’ve gotten you into heaven anyway. Oh — because there’s no heaven. Because there’s not a god. That Jesus thing? Totally a conflation of several religious leaders and various folk tales plus Persian mythology. Maybe next time just give it to the poor directly, or save it for a science class.

Yours in If Jesus Were a Lemon, At Least You’d Have Lemonade,


Neilist July 6, 2010 at 10:40 pm


Gesh. There goes the “New Building Fund.”

rocktonsammy July 6, 2010 at 10:43 pm

I haven’t trusted the catlicks since Godfather 3, so I’m not surprised by this also.

S.Luggo July 6, 2010 at 10:44 pm

Zzzzz. Rekers claimed to be able to cure the queer sickness. Gray never made such a claim. He merely stole from a 501(c)(3) in order to enjoy the cock. Is that so wrong?

Now run along, Miss Thang. You’ve had your one post for the week. Btw, Martha Stewart’s Living is having an on-line sale. All scented candles 30% off.

FlipOffResearch July 6, 2010 at 10:52 pm

An objective observer of the Catholic church could only conclude that study and meditation on the life and slogans of Christ lead inevitably to buttsecks. Bonus piety points if the butts are children’s.

springfield_meltdown July 6, 2010 at 10:57 pm

[re=612652]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Never mess with the Catholic church’s money, no matter who you like buttsecks with.

FlipOffResearch July 6, 2010 at 11:07 pm

Oh yeah, and why wait for the second coming, when you can hire a hooker to do it for you?

user-of-owls July 6, 2010 at 11:08 pm

[re=612658]S.Luggo[/re]: You know, since this featurette appeared, I’ve been thinking that it’s a bit redundant. Like having a Panda column back in the olds. Or a Weekly Humor column. Like I already said, it’s redundant.

Jim89048 July 6, 2010 at 11:22 pm

Maybe Sacred Heart could recoup some of their losses by filing a claim against BP and say their collection plate take is a little light these days.

Radiotherapy July 6, 2010 at 11:33 pm

[re=612655]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=612658]S.Luggo[/re]: [re=612667]user-of-owls[/re]: Maybe we could have an <Atheist Corner, a post or roundtable or something where we expose all the profiteering, philandering, crimes, and atrocities that infidels are involved with….uh, oh yeah, redundancy.

obfuscator July 6, 2010 at 11:34 pm

someone should check the throne of infallibility for dried jizz, residual spray tan, and axe body spray.

proudgrampa July 6, 2010 at 11:42 pm

Sad thing is, the believers just keep on giving and praying and following these assholes.

Religion is the opiate of the people, or something.

peaceofcrap July 6, 2010 at 11:55 pm

The reason this is so sleepy is that “Catholic”, “Sex” and “Scandal” have been synonyms for so long. It’s much like the way gaysinthemilitary became one word in the Clinton administration.

SayItWithWookies July 6, 2010 at 11:55 pm

[re=612670]Radiotherapy[/re]: Besides all day Sunday being devoted to that, someone’s got that ground covered from 9 to 12 EST on AM radio — and he’s even starting his own college.

What’s weird is that you’d think it was the easiest thing in the world not to be sanctimonious about the things that would make you a hypocrite. Like, if you’re having sex with gay escorts, you shouldn’t be touting your cure for homosexuality. Or if you’re screwing hookers, just shut up about the faithfulness part. But no — it’s like a challenge to them — the real bastards wanna see how special they are and how much God loves them by letting them help themselves to whatever they want. And that exactly why there should be a wall of separation between church and state. I mean, our budding politicians are sociopaths already — we don’t want them being influenced by those sick fucks running our religions.

rmjag July 6, 2010 at 11:57 pm

[re=612674]proudgrampa[/re]: pavlov’s dog . people are as easily trainable in that way . mindless repetition , the comfort of habit . soothing . stupid . lazy

obfuscator July 6, 2010 at 11:59 pm

[re=612676]SayItWithWookies[/re]: reminds me of a quote attributed to lapsed catholic sinead o’connor(paraphrased): “priests shouldn’t lecture me on sex because they can’t have sex. priests shouldn’t lecture me on sex because they have sex.”

Johnny Zhivago July 7, 2010 at 12:00 am

Shame on you all! I command you to click on Estus Pirkle’s excellent video about heaven and then click replay at least 5000 times to be redeemed:

tbogg July 7, 2010 at 12:02 am

If he didn’t use it’s not a sin. Sez so in the Bible.

FlipOffResearch July 7, 2010 at 12:04 am

[re=612676]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No, the volume of their expression of hate is proportional to the demons in themselves that they are running away from.

13ollocks To The Rules July 7, 2010 at 10:33 am

Wow – $1.3 million will buy a whole lot of “bag lifting”. Dude must have some serious luggage. A few years ago, the business manager in our parish absconded with $450,000 from the “building fund” – erecting things sure costs a lot these days.

Terry July 7, 2010 at 10:38 am

I need to say here that Tavern on the Green was a pretty sucky restaurant. It had a great location, but was expensive and pretentious with only passable food. It also closed in December.

the problem child July 7, 2010 at 10:55 am

Resurrection! It must be the holy post!!!

Darkness July 7, 2010 at 10:55 am

And those little old ladies will happily give their social security checks to the next smooth talker who comes along. They don’t call religion personally rewarding for nothing.

JMP July 7, 2010 at 11:24 am

[re=612816]the problem child[/re]: The dead post, like Jesus it has been erected. No, wait…

[re=612652]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Not a good idea; while the Roman Catholic Church doesn’t mind a bit of child by its’ priests, it does have a big problem with anyone fucking with the money; in fact, that is worst sin against the church, and one of the main reasons they covered up the pedophilia in the first place.

S.Luggo July 7, 2010 at 11:40 am

What we need is for Evan Hurst (that HAS to be a nom-de-blog; who in their cotton pickin’ mind would named their kid ‘hurst‘?) to report on a bitch fight about the dinner seating chart during the next confab of the Log Cabin Republicans (speaking of the losers of all loser-dom) or that Hawaii Gov. Linda Lingle (R-Superferry) has been doing both of the Indigo Girls for the past 8 years. That’s news we could use.

I failed to mention that what made Prof. Dr. Rev. Rekers’ rent boy passion Wonk-worthy was that, for their legislative hearings on say … highway safety, NASA funding or military spending, Republicans made a habit of trotting out Rekers to testify about the importance of teh Family Values. Heh.

c-sick July 7, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Actually the parish has no old catholic grandmothers and it is not known as Sacred Heart, its actually an hispanic parish known as Segrado Corazon (thats right, its spelled in spanish NOT american) which is more scandolous than the stealing and butseks. this man has been known to help the illegals including…MESICANS! and they have been at court and protesting on the church steps everyday in support of the priest, when will these silly brown people learn?

in all honesty its even more heinous in that it is a very poor immigrant parish that trusted him and he stole it all.

PickneyPinchback July 7, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Meh. Priests steal money all the time. They just usually don’t get caught. Had he only ripped off $1.3 million, the bishop would have merely shook his finger at him and made him go on a week-long retreat. It’s the escort thing that got him in real hot water.

WorldOJeff July 8, 2010 at 4:34 pm

Personally I’m thrilled whenever someone finds an industrious way to drain the coffers of the Catholic Church of every penny possible, leaving fewer dollars for them to fight against marriage equality (really, it’s not like they were going to feed the hungry…)

One question, though- why all of the expenses for rentboys? Were ALL of the prepubescent sons of the faithful THAT ugly?

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