In 2004, when “the Internets” was a fresh joke reference, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry amassed an e-mail list of millions of people. He still has this list, so occasionally he sends messages to people’s old work e-mail accounts and junk AOL addresses. And perhaps to a few people who still use their 2004 address and have somehow still not unsubscribed from this. With nothing better to do in his life than send out e-mails to this huge list, John Kerry has composed a message imploring people to vote online for a baseball player for some baseball thing.
Hope you had a terrific Fourth of July — and I hope you’ll afford me what the Senate calls a “point of personal privilege.”
Eww, get your hands off of us, John Kerry.
Kevin Youkilis of the Red Sox is an All Star in anyone’s book. He plays the game the way it’s supposed to be played, he hustles, he has a great bat and a glove to match, and he brings with it the kind of intensity we respected for years in guys like Trot Nixon. Youk deserves to be in the All-Star game — while the team has grinded it out in spite of injury after injury, he’s been a rock. But now he needs to win a fan vote to make it to Anaheimn next week.
What? “Ana Hymen”? What are you trying to say?
It is good that sad man John Kerry has found something to distract him from not being able to save the planet, because he was getting really weird about that. And it’s admirable that he is making an effort to keep a Yankee out of the All-Star Game. (Seriously? How can you put a Yankee in the final vote thing? Joe Girardi has already put extra Yankees on the team. And there’s nothing “the fans” like voting for more than fucking Yankees, despite their suckage at many positions for which they’re often voted in.) But come on, Kerry, you don’t want to take away playing time from the glorious Miguel Cabrera, who is chasing a Triple Crown, because the AL needs to defend their All-Star Game streak so the Tigers have home-field advantage in the World Series.
Also, Kevin Youkilis, this “rock” who “plays the game the way it’s supposed to be played,” once attacked a child one-third his size and was thrown to the ground. Ha ha. [Yahoo Sports/Wonkette operative “Josh K.”]