Last Dregs of John Kerry’s Power Used For Baseball Thing

  this is not a baseball blog stuef

Sending baseballs e-mails to people who don't want them is just as good a way to spend your time as being president.In 2004, when “the Internets” was a fresh joke reference, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry amassed an e-mail list of millions of people. He still has this list, so occasionally he sends messages to people’s old work e-mail accounts and junk AOL addresses. And perhaps to a few people who still use their 2004 address and have somehow still not unsubscribed from this. With nothing better to do in his life than send out e-mails to this huge list, John Kerry has composed a message imploring people to vote online for a baseball player for some baseball thing.

Hope you had a terrific Fourth of July — and I hope you’ll afford me what the Senate calls a “point of personal privilege.”

Eww, get your hands off of us, John Kerry.

Kevin Youkilis of the Red Sox is an All Star in anyone’s book. He plays the game the way it’s supposed to be played, he hustles, he has a great bat and a glove to match, and he brings with it the kind of intensity we respected for years in guys like Trot Nixon. Youk deserves to be in the All-Star game — while the team has grinded it out in spite of injury after injury, he’s been a rock. But now he needs to win a fan vote to make it to Anaheimn next week.

What? “Ana Hymen”? What are you trying to say?

 
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It is good that sad man John Kerry has found something to distract him from not being able to save the planet, because he was getting really weird about that. And it’s admirable that he is making an effort to keep a Yankee out of the All-Star Game. (Seriously? How can you put a Yankee in the final vote thing? Joe Girardi has already put extra Yankees on the team. And there’s nothing “the fans” like voting for more than fucking Yankees, despite their suckage at many positions for which they’re often voted in.) But come on, Kerry, you don’t want to take away playing time from the glorious Miguel Cabrera, who is chasing a Triple Crown, because the AL needs to defend their All-Star Game streak so the Tigers have home-field advantage in the World Series.

Also, Kevin Youkilis, this “rock” who “plays the game the way it’s supposed to be played,” once attacked a child one-third his size and was thrown to the ground. Ha ha. [Yahoo Sports/Wonkette operative "Josh K."]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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40 comments

  1. MarieDeGournay

    Well, considering this senate, I’m surprised he hasn’t wandering off into the woods with nothing but a hatchet and a bottle of cheap Rose.

  2. Gorillionaire

    Awwww, this is just a harmless little thing, like when your aunt emails you to ask you to give her cat video a five star rating on youtube.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Having watched Youk play against and sometimes bash the Toronto Blue Jays, I take a slightly different view of Youk. Youk’s a douchebag and a whiner. Will constantly whine and bitch if the Ump has the cojones to actually call a strike on the Youk. If the Youk don’t think it was a strike then no strike shall be called. Will even bitch and whine to the Ump when he swings at a pitch and misses. Kerry’s just doing his Youk impersonation.

  4. Brick Oven Bill

    The difference between former Presidential candidate John McCain and former Presidential candidate John Kerry is that former Presidential candidate John McCain could probably successfully purchase sex for $500.

  5. JMP

    Kerry’s asking people to support a Mr. You Kill Us? And the guy’s from the Red Sox; I guess Bush was right, he actually does hate America.

  6. GOPCrusher

    Makes me sad to think that I caucused for him. Especially the way he just laid down for The Swiftboat Veterans For Truth.

  7. Fox n Fiends

    [re=612526]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You’re a Jays fan?

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  8. gjdodger

    Youk is worth watching just for that batting stance. He waves that thing so ferociously you think he’s going to walk out there and pound the pitcher into the ground with one swing, cartoon style. That said, Brennan Boesch, .344, .602. I spit on Youk, ptoo.

  9. Hooray For Anything

    Will Politico write a story now about how Kerry is bugging everybody by caring so much about this?

    [re=612530]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: There’s also the fact one has pretty much acted with class since he lost while the other is having a garage sale on whatever is left of his soul.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    [re=612541]Fox n Fiends[/re]:
    Yeah I know. The only consolation I have is that I’m not a fan of the Woe-rioles

  11. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    He’s right about Youk. Totally desreves to be an All Star. With an additional vote for “Sweatiest Man Alive” if that category is still open…

  12. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    [re=612530]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Will you try to apply this same joke to every post on Wonkette today? Let’s try it out!

  13. 23 Skidoo

    He is a sweaty man, and he does whine, but as the goofy Senator says, he has kept the Sox afloat amidst a maelstrom of injuries. He’s batting .299 with 17 HR and 55 RBI (with an .OPS of over 1.000)… pretty sweet numbers. Clearly, anyone that does not go to MLB.com and vote for him, well, would be a dirty Anti-Semite. Go Youk!

  14. ella

    I guess when you have to wait 82 years for your team to win a World Series, any straw is graspable.

  15. lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=612572]23 Skidoo[/re]: Sorry, but Paul Konerko of the White Sox also is hitting .299 and has 20 HR and 58 RBI’s, better stats than my landsman Kevin’s. And Konerko is similarly responsible for keeping his team in the pennant race and somehow not going insane from listening to Ozzie’s stream of consciousness.

  16. windupbird

    [re=612572]23 Skidoo[/re]: AND plays solid D. GO SOX!

    I am married to a Yankees fan.

  17. V572625694

    “Trot” Nixon? Is that what they called Dick on the Whittier College team? I thought it was “Iron-Butt.”

    [re=612526]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I’m sorry but I can’t understand how this Youk person’s behavior differs from that of any Red Sox or Yankee player, whose lives in large media markets have swollen their egos to near-bursting.

  18. windupbird

    [re=612573]ella[/re]: It was 86, but who’s counting? I’m not bitter. NOT AT ALL.

  19. Skwerl Nutz

    [re=612557]Godot[/re]: Looks like a Philly Cheesesteak slash Hoagie, GO PHILS! Ryan Howard is de man!

  20. Aguacatero

    [re=612526]ManchuCandidate[/re]: If the Greek God of Walks whines, it probably wasn’t a strike.

    That said, Kerry’s antic is neither charming nor whimsical.

  21. OCKerouac

    [re=612526]ManchuCandidate[/re]: SPOT ON. Youk is also known to pull the Peter Griffin AHHHHHHH… AHHHHHHH… twenty minute injury any time a ball gets within 6 inches of him. If that’s the way the game is ‘supposed’ to be played, everyone else in the history of the sport was doing it wrong…

  22. DemmeFatale

    Sigh…I guess EVERYTHING has to turn into a slap at the Yankees.
    If I can handle seeing Rudy and Judy with their rictus smiles, I can handle you.
    Bring it, Jack! Bring it!

  23. Cmoney

    I hate baseball.

    I think Kerry used a phrase during his Presidential campaign speeches, something like “we will kill the terrorists”. This was always added to any lists of foreign policy goals he might be enumerating. Blindfolded with bewilderment, he tacked it on like the tail of the donkey.

    How you like my Hitch-22 writing style, bitches!

  24. Norbert

    Martha Croakley or whatever her name was lost because, in addition to her general lameness, she dissed the Red Sox – or such was the meme. Not too much of a stretch to imagine Kerry and his advisors, if he has any, trying to think up something pro-Sox to email about. You know, just to keep it real with the plebs in case he wants to run again.

  25. Surfeit O'Hubris

    [re=612530]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: This isn’t any funnier that when you posted the exact same damn joke about Al Gore. Here’s hoping the banhammer tolls for thee before too long.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    [re=612628]Norbert[/re]: Now that you mention it, I’ll bet The Red Sox is the name of Kerry’s windsurfing team.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    And what happened to the subsequent post? I’m gonna cry like LiLo if it’s gone forever. Actually I’m not sure if I will or not — I’ve been trying to get the BBC video of it to load, and I’m too afraid of the coverage/reaction on HuffPo to go there, that poor man’s TPM that rubbed ice cubes on its nipples, no thank you. 90 days in prison isn’t all that, especially if you’re rich enough to afford it. Hell, she should probably do 90 days in prison every two or three years just to keep her focused. Also for fun, but mostly for her benefit.

  28. Lascauxcaveman

    What?!? There’s a editor here on the gay, commonist, muslin Wonkettes to know enough about baseball to hate both the Yankees and *and* Kevin Youkilis?

    This is almost enough to make me forget about my Mariners being the hapless, embarrassing shitstains on the undergarment of the American League West (for about a minute).

    Jack Steuf, you are a great ‘murican.

  29. norbizness

    I’M JOHN KERRY AND I’M REPORTING TO THE DOUBLE-A AFFILIATE FOR A REHAB START

    P.S. Go Rays, those other two teams in competition with you have the absolute worst fans in Christendom.

  30. norbizness

    P.S. What the fuck is a reactionary, anti-comedic vortex of mediocrity like Brick Oven Bill doing with a Wonkette membership?

  31. Ruhe

    Late update: Youkilis injured himself stepping into the batter’s box last night and probably isn’t available for “the most important exhibition game in the history of the world”. By the way, mysterious injuries like this equals “hey, four days off for some golf and family time sounds great.”

  32. 23 Skidoo

    Further update: The injury by all accounts is minor, and it appears Youkilis will be back in the lineup tonight, and thanks to the efforts of the guy who ran one of the shittiest Presidential campaigns in recent memory, he is currently leading the vote for the 30th AL All-Star. I do like Youk, but it is kinda gross when his sweat actually drips off the bill of his batting helmet whilst he is at home plate. He must think the umpires are constantly going to call a rain delay.

    And concerning his tete-a-tetes with the umpires, someone should tell him they’re saying “Strike”.

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