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Anthony Kennedy Never Going To Retire Just To Annoy Everyone

You can make your own constitution out of paper towel rolls and construction paper!Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy has told “relatives and friends” that he is staying on the court until at least the end of President Obama’s term. Kennedy, of course, is the “swinger” vote on the Supreme Court—the guy who is conservative but less so than the other four on the court, so he sometimes joins the liberals, so he is more powerful than Obama and Justin Bieber put together. And thus for at least a couple-point-five more years, the entire nation will have to kiss up to Anthony Kennedy if they have a parking ticket they want waived or want their state not to kill them with death chemicals.

Of course, Anthony Kennedy could stay on for yet another four years if MaoBama gets another term. That is, if he doesn’t die; he is turning 74 this month. But he could probably just sell his soul like Dick Cheney to stay alive until another Republican takes office and ensure the Supreme Court will be reactionary for another half century or so.

Hooray! [NY Daily News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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46 comments

  1. Potater

    [re=612421]dball213[/re]: The good die young, assholes live forever, but the bland just sort of…fade away…

  2. rafflesinc

    Actually, the news is much much worse:

    “Justice Kennedy, who turns 74 this month, has told relatives and friends he plans to stay on the high court for at least three more years”

    Wonkette says “a couple-point-five more years,” but if you’re going to choose a number, why 3? Why not 2 or 4 or 5? Because what Kennedy is actually saying is, if Obama loses in 2012, I’m retiring (3 years). If Obama wins in 2012 but the Democrat (Biden?) looses in 2016, I’m retiring (7 years). Etc etc.

    He’s really pulling a reverse Souter. David Souter told friends before November that if Obama won, he would retire.

  3. Fnor

    Maybe I’m just delirious would the igloo-powered heat, but I opened this and it looked like David Brooks in a supreme court robe and I accidentally screamed in terror.

  4. trondant

    I wouldn’t worry. Thomas will be found dead in his RV in the parking lot of a Topeka Walmart, wearing three wetsuits and with two dildos up his ass, before January 2013

  5. rafflesinc

    [re=612421]dball213[/re]: Fun fact. The last time there were three Democratic presidential victories in a row was FDR/Truman, and that was without the two-term limit.

  6. qwerty42

    [re=612424]rafflesinc[/re]: Look for him to retire in Obama’s second term. No matter what he sez, he will want out. When you’re 76+, the fun will start to go out of it.

  7. gurukalehuru

    Yes, but once Barry’s term is over in 2016, we’ve got 8 years of President Franken followed by 8 years of President Grayson. This Kennedy fucker can’t live forever.

  8. rafflesinc

    [re=612433]qwerty42[/re]: This is what I originally expected, but based on Kennedy’s 3+ years statements I’m not so sure anymore. Rehnquist hung out to the end, dying of cancer and pissing off conservatives since Kerry might have won in 2004.

  9. Sparky McGruff

    He’s just hoping Sarah Palin becomes president, so she can appoint Justin Bieber to take his place. He’s a Biebermaniac. Or maybe she’ll re-nominate Harriet Myers. Someone worthy of his seat.

  10. JMP

    And this surprises people? I believe the last SC justice to voluntarily retire with a President they were ideologically opposed to in office was Thurgood Marshall, and he died just a few months later so it probably wasn’t all that voluntary. Scalia’s just about the same age, and I’m sure there’s no way he’s going to leave the Court during Obama’s term if he can help it.

  11. rafflesinc

    [re=612440]JMP[/re]: Nah, can’t count Marshall, he was in very bad health. Actually, the justice you’re looking for is Byron White. Even though he was appt’d by JFK, He was a Kennedy/O’Connor type conservative. But he still retired for Clinton in 1993, with the bullshit about how he was still a Democrat and it was the Democratic party that changed. But yeah, the general rule has been that a justice won’t voluntarily retire under an opposite ideological president (White being the exception for many many decades).

  12. qwerty42

    [re=612438]rafflesinc[/re]: I think Rehnquist is an example of what they don’t want to have happen to them. I can understand wanting to hold out, but I also think Kennedy will conclude it is better to get out while there are still things he can do. Of course, after 2012, we’ll be under sharia laws anyway, so there will be less for the Court to do.

  13. Doglessliberal

    [re=612429]trondant[/re]: oh pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

    We need to lose Alito, Thomas, Roberts, or Scalia. Soon.

  14. Brick Oven Bill

    Just for the record, it should be noted that by displaying the forward planning that Justice Kennedy has displayed with this announcement, suicidal tendencies are hereby ruled out.

    The good justice is not a young man and will perhaps need some medical care over the next two years and seven months (it won’t be six years and seven months). If he does get sick he should definitely fly to some Eastern Block former Soviet satellite for medical care. Strike that.

    He should fly to Central America for medical care.

    If you are an oil rig worker, the last thing you ever want to see is an Obama Administration safety inspector approaching your rig. Stand by a life raft in this instance. Likewise view with alarm the approach of medical care providers if you are a sitting judge who is not a Marxist professor, punk rock poet, or structural feminist.

    I am still trying to figure out what a ‘structural feminist’ is. We know that Obama would befriend them in college, even if they were white. But I think the term is really ‘post-structural feminist’. Maybe it’s a butch thing.

  15. Hooray For Anything

    [re=612429]trondant[/re]: My guess is Thomas is such a spiteful fuck he sleeps in a cyrogenic chamber at night in an attempt to live for over a hundred years as a giant FU to everyone. My guess too is that he spends the night in the chamber with Scalia as they carry on their clandestine love affair.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, I hope he has to retire before Obama’s first term is up — Squeaky Fromme is waiting for that seat.

  17. Snarkalicious

    [re=612454]Doglessliberal[/re]: Well, shit. If Scalia goes, we’ll get a twofer when Thomas zones out and follows him out after finding some sort of way to prove he’s a slightly bigger, yet markedly stupider, shit-eating fuckstick.

  18. rafflesinc

    [re=612463]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Oh he’s a bigger spiteful fuck than that. He’s actually been quoted as saying that since “liberals made his life miserable for 43 years (age he became a justice), [he] would make their lives miserable for 43 years.” (subtle irony there) I wake up every morning and listen to NPR to see if Thomas died in his sleep.

  19. snideinplainsight

    “He has become a bit of a political nemesis at the White House for his increasing tendency to side with the court’s four rock-ribbed conservative justices.”

    Seriously, WHAAA? This looks like one of those Wikipedia edits that gets reneged before you reload the page. Does anybody believe Scalia has any body part at all that resembles a rock?

  20. BaconTime

    I was led to believe our supreme court justices were unbiased automated machines that “call balls and strikes” with complete emotional detachment. Why would they care who is president when they retire unless they were activist judges trying to legislate from the bench?

  21. rafflesinc

    Here is the sexy quote from NY times. The year 2034! We might have to wait for President Malia to get rid of this douche.

    http://www.nytimes.com/1993/11/27/us/2-years-after-his-bruising-hearing-justice-thomas-can-rarely-be-heard.html?pagewanted=all

    Hope for Long Tenure

    Last year, in a conversation with two of his own law clerks, recent law school graduates chosen for their conservative views, Justice Thomas said he intended to remain on the Court until the year 2034.

    Why that long? one asked. Because that would give him a 43-year term, he replied, according to the clerk’s account, explaining, “The liberals made my life miserable for 43 years, and I’m going to make their lives miserable for 43 years.”

    The notion that Justice Thomas could use his position to reflect the emotions he bears from the confirmation hearing was first suggested, strangely enough, by his wife, Virginia.

  22. Doglessliberal

    [re=612470]Snarkalicious[/re]: if Scalia goes, they will find Thomas wandering the streets with a glazed look muttering about his inability to function without Scalia telling him what to do.

  23. Ducksworthy

    [re=612429]trondant[/re]: Wow! I had exactly the same vision! Well not exactly. But in mine Thomas retires/dies/is impeached and hopey, to keep the racial balances aligned, appoints Anita Hill, which in turn causes the Scalia/Alito creature to have a fatal stroke(s).

  24. WadISay

    Dear Mr. Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Alito, Thomas, Scalia:

    I have just had a revelation. In my vision, God called you to take up group skydiving, on Mount Everest. I am totally serious about this.

    Your friend,

    The Pope

  25. GOPCrusher

    I thought the conservatives where all about strict interpretation of the Constitution, without prejudices and empathy?
    I guess that only applies for the Supreme Court justices that interpret the law according the will of the majority.

  26. MarieDeGournay

    [re=612456]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: It’s too fucking hot here to really counter-argue right now so, Derp, Derp, Derp.

  27. Snarkalicious

    [re=612456]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Did you get the recipe for the word salad from Snowbilly’s twat stream?

  28. Hooray For Anything

    [re=612490]rafflesinc[/re]: No wonder why the Republicans love him. What’s the opposite of having empathy? Being a spiteful dick taking out all of his anger and resentment on the world by screwing everyone over as a Supreme Court Justice. Republicans do love their grudge-holding pricks– Nixon, Thomas, W., Fox News show hosts.

  29. sati demise

    [re=612490]rafflesinc[/re]: maybe one day he will be found dead in a wet suit, w/ dildoes up his various orifices & a rope around his neck-
    with Long Dong Silver playing endlessly on the DVR

  30. lawrenceofthedesert

    I heard that Scalia and Thomas were retiring to star in a bus and truck tour, “Of Mice and Men.” The only hangup so far is their argument about who gets to play Lenny.

  31. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Supreme Court Justice has no age cap, apparently requires no particular skills beyond mumbling and sucking up, and doesn’t make any physical demands. It is the federal version of Wal-Mart Greeter.

  32. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=612490]rafflesinc[/re]: Wow, and here I thought having right-wingers openly brag that they intend to use their power to harm heir political enemies at any cost to the weak and powerless was a recent phenomenon.

  33. MarSF

    Thomas and Scalia both look as though they have some serious bacon fat accumulating in their arteries.

    I use this theory to make myself feel better after each new, shitty 5/4 decision comes down.

  34. Lake Affected

    I originally had some hope for Tony Kennedy after his Roper v. Simmons opinion nearly put Scalia into respiratory arrest. I now think that Kennedy just wanted to see what colors Scalia’s face would turn, and he didn’t actually mean it.

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