she ain't no human being

Elizabeth Windsor Returns To Scene Of Her 9/11 Crimes

War criminal and war criminal-erNobody educated denies that the 9/11 attacks were planned at the highest levels at Buckingham Palace. It’s well-known that the Teutonic clan that has run the once-great British nation ever since the bloodless coup of the “Hanoverian Succession” (with the Aryan bloodline reinforced by Queen Victoria’s marriage to a Germanic princeling) will stop at nothing to crush all enemies in its path, and if that means perpetrating murder and mayhem in a great city of a supposed ally, then so be it. The results — Western influence reinforced in former British colony Iraq, and Britain’s greatest defeat avenged in Afghanistan — no doubt caused sinister cackling throughout the whole rotten Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg dynasty. But who would have thought that Elizabeth Windsor, the head of this pack of murderers, would have the nerve to show up at Ground Zero, to gloat?

Apparently feeling cocky because the nasty socialists have been kicked out of 10 Downing Street, “Queen” Elizabeth will be making a brief jaunt south from her Canadian military colony in order to honor those British subjects who died as collateral damage in the 9/11 attacks. She will then address the U.N., as she is a well-known proponent of One World Government (One World Government with her as its secret but all-powerful leader).

However, no fancy New York City hotel will be able to claim that “Queen Elizabeth slept here”! Once she gives her orders to the assembled stooges at the United Nations, she will flee back to her own territory. This is because if she sleeps in any country that she is not the Queen of, she loses her magic powers. Also, she is broke!

Taking such a short trip is hardly the only way the royal family is cutting back expenses this year. Queen Elizabeth has decreased her spending by $4 million in the past year, according to a new report released by the palace. The British government gave $57.8 million in taxpayer dollars this year to support the royal family. The monarchy costs each British citizen 94 cents.

Alan Reid, keeper of the privy purse, said Monday that the queen and other royals are cutting costs and postponing essential maintenance on the palace, because they are “acutely aware of the difficult economic climate.”

“You don’t really realize that the queen is going around Buckingham Palace turning off the lights, having fewer staff and in the winter turning the heating down,” [Majesty magazine editor-in-chief Ingrid] Seward said Monday. “She sometimes even writes letters in her very old fur coat.”

Just hanging out in her freezing cold palace, wrapped in a coat made from fur that George IV personally tore off of a still-living bear … and biding her time. [AFP/ABC]

Related

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

46 comments

  1. thehelveticascenario

    She needs to keep warm, what with being a cold-blooded lizard person and all.

  2. user-of-owls

    I’m trying to imagine a chit-chat conversation at some dreary cocktail reception where one guy asks, “So what do you do?” and the other guy responds, “Oh, I’m keeper of the privy purse.”

    What’s confounding me is what guy one says/does in response.

  3. user-of-owls

    The dead giveaway on her complicity was that the airliners used in the attack were called ‘aeroplanes.’

  4. fictional character

    ‘shortly after this photo was taken, dick cheney and queen elizabeth attempted to retake the suez canal.’

  5. the problem child

    She also took out the power grid in Toronto yesterday, just to stay in practice for her imminent resurgence as our Queen of the Damned!

  6. Potater

    Poor, poor Elizabeth. Forced to parade around her 700-room royal mansion to turn off the lights, and forced to write letters by candlelight in nothing but a full length mink coat. Truly she understands the blight of the downtrodden.

  7. Aflac Shrugged

    She doesn’t need any money from the Privy Purse for her palaces. She’ll just call in her markers from the Pope, the Gettys, the Rothschilds and whoever inherited KFC from Colonel Sanders after he went tits up.

  8. populucious

    [re=612274]Autochthon[/re]: 3 handkerchiefs given to her by her dear Nazi husband Phil, embroidered with her “behind closed door” name “Liz”; half a roll of Tums, left over from her last trip to India; some dried out sticks of gum which, as a grandmother, she is obliged to carry with her at all times; The Royal Smelling Salts; a picture of Diana’s crash site which she carries with her wherever she goes and pulls out whenever she needs a chuckle; a Luger P08 pistol, just in case.

  9. mumblyjoe

    Pshaw, since when are octogenarian heads of state and hellscapishly unseasonable 100+ degree weather a recipe for anything other than awesome?

    Since never, that’s when.

  10. Lazy Media

    [re=612274]Autochthon[/re]: Pack of English Ovals, novelty police box lighter, condoms, lube.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Of course she writes letters in her very old fur coat. But since it’s summer, she has to go into her fur vault, which is kept at a steady 58 degrees Fahrenheit — because you don’t want your ermines to get too hot. The cost-cutting bit? That’s that she doesn’t crank the a/c down to 58 anymore (that’s like eleven degrees in Limey) in the whole palace when she wants to do this.

  12. Joehoya

    Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes! And that smug look on his face, “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”

  13. anonymousryan

    You’ll never live like common people
    You’ll never do what common people do
    You’ll never fail like common people
    You’ll never watch your life slide out of view, and dance and drink and screw
    Because there’s nothing else to do.
    Sing along with the common people, sing along and it might just get you thru’
    Laugh along with the common people
    Laugh along even though they’re laughing at you and the stupid things that you do.
    Because you think that poor is cool.
    I want to live with common people, I want to live with common people

  14. Brendan M.

    And the Wonkette hiring spree continues with the addition of Kesha Rogers. I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m excited!

  15. Aurelio

    The monarchy costs each British citizen subject 94 cents.

    Let us never forget. Rouchies of the world, unite!

  16. Mild Midwesterner

    If I cut my expenses by $4 million, then my expenses would be foughly -$3,990,000.

  17. snideinplainsight

    Basically I think nothing is a greater tragedy than the hats that lady wears. Hail Britannia!

  18. ella

    Note to queen: that whole “cutting expenses” thing could work a lot better and save a lot more if you cut some staff from the payroll, kinda like the real world (peasantry) where companies make people do more with less!

    I mean, when I read that some of your courtiers are paid more than the prime minister, I plotzed and then redoubled my thanks we do not have a filthy rich, out of touch royal family to support with tax dollars.

  19. Oblios Cap

    [re=612277]Potater[/re]:

    I’m sure she’s cut down on somwe of the fancier foods and actually has learned to soft-boil her own eggs, as well. Prince Phillip has taken over the Food Tasters job, also.

  20. Canuck13652

    Keeping in mind, of course, that for $0.94 the British (and Canadians/Aussies/Kiwis/Various-Caribbean-Islanders) get a head of state that is respected around the world, doesn’t need to show a birth certificate, isn’t accused by half the population of being a half-breed muslin terrorist, who doesn’t show up wearing mom jeans, can string a sentence together in more than one language. . . Just sayin’.

  21. McDuff

    [re=612260]SpenceRedux[/re]: Sounds more like Josh has been reading Lyndon LaRouche again.

  22. iwillsavethispatient

    Surely you mean “She ain’t no human bean”?

    [re=612361]Canuck13652[/re]: No, we accuse her of being a German instead.

  23. Fuck Toad

    [re=612361]Canuck13652[/re]: She is the second most well respected parasite in the world, next to the friendly leech.

  24. smellyal8r

    [re=612282]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: It’s always a good day when a post about the Queen leads immediately to a mention of the Pentaverate. Those rotten bastards.

    Also, are we sure this isn’t going to just be Dame Helen Mirren in NYC for a sequel?

  25. proudgrampa

    [re=612260]SpenceRedux[/re]: After all, she IS a member of the Babylonian Brotherhood, including such famous reptilians as GHW Bush and Boxcar Willie… Hey, David Icke wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true!

  26. Terry

    “Alan Reid, keeper of the privy purse”

    Why does she need a purse specifically for trips to the privy? I thought all you really needed in there was a roll of paper or an old Sears catalog.

  27. Judas Peckerwood

    [re=612345]ella[/re]: “I plotzed and then redoubled my thanks we do not have a filthy rich, out of touch royal family to support with tax dollars.”

    We do, except that we call it “Congress”, there are a lot more of them, they’re even more degenerate, and they’re MUCH, MUCH spendier.

  28. Rotundo

    [re=612361]Canuck13652[/re]: [re=612556]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: Given how Dubya and most congresscritters behave themselves, Her Majesty is the epitome of restraint and dignity. I wish our representatives had a fraction of her dignity.

  29. Der McKampf

    In a strange twist of fate, this subject had to move to Germany to become a citizen.

    You know where you can shove that cigar Mr Churchill.

Comments are closed.