in your face cornwallis

Chrysler Woos Tea Partiers With Awesome George Washington Fan Fiction

I need a Town and Country van for all my slavesRemember when Chrysler was America’s #3 car company, run by the can-do fraudery of Lee Iacocca, and not some terrible money pit owned in equal parts by Barack Obama and the Italians? Now it is exactly the sort of communist foreign enterprise that the “Tea Party,” the most important movement in American politics, is most primed to hate! And yet Chrysler would certainly implode (even more so, we mean) if its core customers — cranky old white people who refuse to buy “Jap” cars — abandoned them entirely. Thus they were left with only one option: sending three Dodge Challengers back in time so that George Washington could use them to fight the British. SHOCKING VIDEO EVIDENCE, after the jump!

Ha ha, watch those pusillanimous lobsterbacks scatter as the Father of our Country and two faithful lieutenants come speeding out of the woods driving those hideous monster-cars, blaring the soundtrack to Ken Burns’ Civil War series on the Challengers’ sweet stereo systems. One would think that our Founding Fathers would be at least as smart as your average Somali militiaman and attach cannons to the roof or something, but whatever, they seem to have won this battle handily without firing a shot. USA! USA!

The important grown-up journalists at the Washington Post have decided that this whole ad is a coded message to the Tea Party, on the fairly reasonable assumption that Founding Father cosplay + ambiguous use of the word “freedom” = Tea Party bait. The fact that this ad actually broadcast during the U.S.-England World Cup match on June 11th might also have something to do with it, but, you know, it was probably the Tea Party thing. That’s what three and half weeks of exhaustive Washington Post research has shown! There are real quotes from people, and everything! Please, Sharron Angle, use a Dodge Challenger to flee after you assassinate Harry Reid, we beg of you. [WP]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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45 comments

  1. Terry

    “”Here’s a couple of things America got right,” the tough-guy narrator says. “Cars — and freedom.” ”

    This is one of the things that annoys me about the Teabaggers and kneejerk patriotic types (Toby Keith, I’m looking at YOU.). They look at America, cry over how much the love our country, then rant and rave about what’s wrong with it, accusing people who disagree with them of treason. “Proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free…”

    I look at America and think we do a whole LOT of things right, with a few areas that could use improvement. I’m actually optimistic about our future. Why am I supposed to be the treasonous one?

  2. JMP

    Hey, it’s good to see old George back in his rightful place of selling cars, even if it’s not February, instead of promoting crazed fringe candidate who believe taxation is slavery.

  3. Aflac Shrugged

    It’s not that far off, really. Historians attribute the final victory at Yorktown to the colonists deploying French subwoofers, leading to panic and confusion among a British army that had never attempted to resist that much bass.

  4. President Beeblebrox

    Amazing… all of those mist-clad mountains and tall fir trees. I didn’t know that there were Revolutionary War battles which took place outside Vancouver.

  5. Mild Midwesterner

    I don’t buy it. Real tea partiers wouldn’t watch a communist futbol match.

  6. freakishlystrong

    Good move Chrysler! According to Glenn Beck and Fux Noise, they should be able to move about 1.8 million cars with that founders porn.

  7. x111e7thst

    [re=612046]Terry[/re]: “with a few areas that could use improvement”?

    I will have you know that US ‘Murrikkka has been entirely and absolutely perfect since it was created by the Baby Jesus. Your pathetic attempt to insinuate that there might be something wrong, except for Barack Obama, clearly marks you as a beret wearing quiche eating socialist.

  8. bluevelvetelvis

    This commercial is actually part of the “Americanus Historius Magnum Opus” class at Glenn Beck’s new “college”.

    The best thing about that commercial is that the Dodge Challenger isn’t even made in America. Blatantly appealing to teabaggers with a Canadian-made muscle car.

    We got a few things right in America, freedom and silently exporting jobs to other countries.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodge_Challenger#Third_generation_.282008.E2.80.93present.29

  9. ManchuCandidate

    I’m not surprised. A friend of mine is a car marketing guy and he keeps telling me that Chryslers and Dodges are typically bought by morans (especially Dodge Ram Pickup trucks.) He works for Ford so he might be slightly biased, but seeing this commercial makes me suspect he has a point.

  10. Formerly Preferred

    Those are Challengers (and yes, I am a huge car nerd, though it does say “Challenger” right at the top of the video, too, for the English nerds). Of course, the Challengers are based on the Chargers, which in turn were developed when Chrysler was still owned by that OTHER tool of the Axis powers, Mercedes. So the running gear under the Charger and Challenger owes quite a bit to an old Mercedes E class. Which would be ironic, if the whole goddamn thing weren’t so stupid.

  11. WadISay

    Mercedes-Benz could use a variation of this idea. I see a couple of E350s chasing peasants across the steppes, tough-guy V/O with heavy accent: “Zwo Zings Ghermanny got right: cars und Operation Barbarossa.” Maybe it’s too soon.

  12. Gun-toting Progressive

    [re=612064]bluevelvetelvis[/re]: Aha! The BeckU curriculum actually clears up my confusion over the baffling new Kraft Macaroni & “Cheese” ad where Thomas Jefferson flies into a crybaby rage (including kicking over a table and popping balloons with a fork) when he is offered a taste of the new Kraft “food” product. Who knew Tom invented the hot dish?

  13. Johnny Zhivago

    I hope this ad doesn’t get back to the British, who would surely take it as having some meaning visa-vi British Petroleum.

    Good thing it’s only posted here on the American Internet.

  14. The Silver Fox

    Chrysler may be on to something. Corporate America has realized what we’ve known all along – that Teabaggers are over-fed, under-worked, and over-paid (likely by Social Security or some plush government contractor gig).

    These people have some serious purchasing power. Think of all the money these ‘tards have dropped on those signs, flags, T-shirts. Teabaggers’ buying more stuff they don’t need could be the key to getting out of this pesky recession!

  15. hobronto

    After a youth spent watching The Dukes of Hazzard on TV, my initial reaction to watching a Dodge being driven across a field is that they’ve got the wrong general behind the wheel.

  16. proudgrampa

    Until I saw that ad, I always thought Washington was a furniture and mattress salesman.

  17. Terry

    [re=612058]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]:

    I guess I could put Trucknutz on my Chevy Cobalt, but they wouldn’t look at awesome as they do on the back of a Ram Charger loaded with “patriotic” bumper stickers.

  18. Tybalt

    [re=612120]Terry[/re]: I won’t argue with you there. I recently saw (here in Canada) one of those “OUT OF A JOB YET? KEEP BUYING FOREIGN” bumper stickers. On a car that wasn’t built here. A friend reports the same thing.

    We may not have passed you guys yet in the Stupid Stakes, but damned if we aren’t neck and neck.

  19. Jim89048

    [re=612092]pub_option[/re]: It was winter, duh. Back before global warming©, it used to freeze over.

  20. Berkeley Bear

    There’s been an overall surge in bad misuse of the founding generation in ads. TJ whining about Kraft mac & cheese, then bringing the Bud Light (owned by the damn Belgians) to a party with Ben Franklin and George, and George then charging the Brits in his insane Canadian muscle car.

    If the Teahadists weren’t idiots this would backfire badly, but I suspect it will be just great for all 3′s bottom line. After all, at this point more people think of Sam Adams as somehow responsible for German style beer he’d never drink rather than as the borderline fanatic who probably would be a Paulite today.

  21. gertrudis

    “People who are closely identified with the tea party movement feel very much this sense of betrayal,” said J. Walker Smith, executive vice president of the Futures Company, a market research firm. “They feel it toward Wall Street; they feel it toward the automobile industry; they feel it toward President Obama; they feel it toward the Republican Party. They feel very much betrayed by a lot of the institutions and people they have invested their trust in. This creates a s ituation for a lot of companies as they try to navigate how best to appeal to consumers in this environment.”

    I feel very much betrayed that J. Walker Smith, blithering idiot, gets paid to dispense this drivel as “advice” to his clients, who then pass on the costs to me, the consumer, in their overpriced crappy products. I would say that I feel very much betrayed by the institution of the Post for giving him a platform to shill for more stupid clients, but to feel betrayed, you have to trust them in the first place, even just a little bit.

  22. WhatTheHeck

    Chrysler was too big to fail? Ha. My tax $$ kept that crappy company from ‘failing.’
    Now they have to fight the British to stay afloat. So, a war economy is how they plan to stay afloat.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    I want to know why only one of those cars had a giant American flag sticking out of the window — I thought they all had those.

  24. just pixels

    Pretty sure old George is wondering what all those extra stars are on the flag. And even more pretty sure he’s thinking “please not Arizona, please not Alabama, please not Alaska, please not Texas”.

  25. Guppy06

    No, it really is a secret tea bagger message. They had enough attention to detail to remove St. Patrick’s Cross from the Union Jack (hadn’t co-opted Ireland yet), but George is running around with a 50-star flag?

    Translation: The revolution started in Wasilla!

  26. gurukalehuru

    [re=612046]Terry[/re]: Here’s a couple of things American got right. Cars and -oh, wait, American cars suck.

  27. Looy

    I would imagine the intersection between Tea Partiers and soccer fans is a small one indeed.

  28. friendlyskies

    The real beauty of Chrysler’s failure is that we can, using the logical logic of modern US political discourse, blame it on Dan Quayle… and I think everyone, even Teapartistas, agrees that loser should be blamed for pretty much anything we can pin on him. Watch this: His company (OK, I’m sure he’s just the figurehead), the nefarious and aptly named Cerberus Capital Management (DynCorp, the even scarier version of Blackwater; GeoEye, which spies on broke taxpayers from space at taxpayer expense; one of Bernie Madoff’s feeder funds) bought Chrysler when it was still treading water and gasping for air. Then proceeded drown it like a sack of unwanted kittens. Then they dumped the still-warm remains on US taxpayers. And watched, from space, and laughed as we cried.

    Therefore, I think we can safely say that Dan Quayle wants to reinstate the British Monarchy, by killing kittens, and Chrysler is one of America’s kittens, except dead, because of Dan Quayle. Also, potatoe.

  29. Lascauxcaveman

    These Challengers are so hot, and when they first came out I visited my local Chrysler dealer, only to be disappointed to find out I didn’t qualify.

    No, no. It wasn’t a problem with financing. My penis wasn’t tiny enough.

  30. loquaciousmusic

    Shit, I just want to see a whole herd of these storming across that field.

    Wouldn’t that be adorable?

  31. Sue

    I’m thinking any horse in the 1700s would flip out upon seeing ANY car, even a Morris Minor.

  32. Gun-toting Progressive

    I finally watched this ad, and I have only one question… Why is Robin Williams (in his Mrs. Doubtfire wig) driving the car?

  33. GOPCrusher

    It must be embarrassing to claim that you are going to take back America, while driving a Toyota.

  34. AnglRdr

    Oh Jesus Christ. It’s a funny commercial, and like the other ads in the Challenger line, are deliberately over the top and ridiculous.

    However, as badass as a Charger may be, Chrysler has made it clear that my lack of penis makes me ineligible to buy one.

  35. oldguy

    [re=612072]WadISay[/re]: When I was studying German near Ulm back in the 80s, the landlord once nodded to the east and commented, “I guess you realize now that America was fighting on the wrong side in the last war….”

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