Hello, I am your new Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals, and what they are thrusting upon society, or what is being thrusteth upon them. Sometimes I will post a round-up of what is going on that you might not have heard about, or maybe I will write about specific things related to The Homosexuals. It really just depends on how many keys The Editor has made for me!
You might remember crazy wingnut pastor Lou Engle from the time he and Michele Bachmann convulsed back and forth with all their friends on video, imploring the Lord to Take Back Our Country through His preferred prayer method, which is, of course, loud communal fully-clothed orgasms.
Or maybe you remember him from the seven months he spent as Senator Sam Brownback’s tender, loving “Lindsey Graham” — I mean roommate — in the C-Street house operated by The Family. Or maybe you remember him best from the time he sent his son to San Francisco to be ritually sacrificed by The Homosexuals, for Jesus.
Oh, also he’s totally psyched about that whole “Let’s Kill Us Some Homos” bill in Uganda. Anyway, there is a point to all of this!
Very Serious Homosexual Activist Evan Hurst went to one of Lou Engle’s little prayer meetings in St. Louis last week and found out why Lou Engle is so scared of the gaynesses:
“I sent my son to San Francisco with a group of people to pray for three years. They actually had a dream. They saw a three-story homosexual man, a huge giant, and they were throwing like rocks at it and nothing would happen to it, and then suddenly the foreman rolled a scroll and it read “Jehu’s Covenantal Community,” and the giant shriveled to nothing!”
I didn’t know there were three-story tall homosexuals! This changes everything!
Okay, so anyway, his son and all his buddies had some big gay sex nightmare, and they were getting their rocks off in the giant homosexual leather daddy’s general direction (OR MAYBE IT WAS A TWINK?), but they couldn’t get big guy to stand down until the “foreman rolled the scroll” and then everybody smoked cigarettes and listened to Ke$ha, the end. Who among us has never been in a situation like this?
Finally, the anti-gay movement in America makes some fucking sense. Also?
“It’s the rod of God! I am looking for the secret of heaven that can penetrate the homosexual agenda with the love of Jesus and the truth!”
Me too, Lou, me too.
You can read the rest of Evan Hurst’s Very Serious Report at Truth Wins Out, if you’re in the mood to be freaked out by the scary Dominionist wingnuts who slither around among us.
P.S. Isn’t it funny that the Very Serious Gay Activist has the same name as your Wonkette’s new Reporter to/for/regarding The Homosexuals? I smell trickery.
P.P.S. If you are the “three story homosexual” with the Boner of God who keeps appearing to these poor kids in their dreams, could you cut it out, and also see me after class?