THE HOMOSEXUALS ARE COMING! ... and this terrifying column art is by, of course, Benjamin Frisch.Hello, I am your new Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals, and what they are thrusting upon society, or what is being thrusteth upon them. Sometimes I will post a round-up of what is going on that you might not have heard about, or maybe I will write about specific things related to The Homosexuals. It really just depends on how many keys The Editor has made for me!

You might remember crazy wingnut pastor Lou Engle from the time he and Michele Bachmann convulsed back and forth with all their friends on video, imploring the Lord to Take Back Our Country through His preferred prayer method, which is, of course, loud communal fully-clothed orgasms.

Or maybe you remember him from the seven months he spent as Senator Sam Brownback’s tender, loving “Lindsey Graham” — I mean roommate — in the C-Street house operated by The Family. Or maybe you remember him best from the time he sent his son to San Francisco to be ritually sacrificed by The Homosexuals, for Jesus.

Oh, also he’s totally psyched about that whole “Let’s Kill Us Some Homos” bill in Uganda. Anyway, there is a point to all of this!

Very Serious Homosexual Activist Evan Hurst went to one of Lou Engle’s little prayer meetings in St. Louis last week and found out why Lou Engle is so scared of the gaynesses:

“I sent my son to San Francisco with a group of people to pray for three years. They actually had a dream. They saw a three-story homosexual man, a huge giant, and they were throwing like rocks at it and nothing would happen to it, and then suddenly the foreman rolled a scroll and it read “Jehu’s Covenantal Community,” and the giant shriveled to nothing!”

I didn’t know there were three-story tall homosexuals! This changes everything!

Okay, so anyway, his son and all his buddies had some big gay sex nightmare, and they were getting their rocks off in the giant homosexual leather daddy’s general direction (OR MAYBE IT WAS A TWINK?), but they couldn’t get big guy to stand down until the “foreman rolled the scroll” and then everybody smoked cigarettes and listened to Ke$ha, the end. Who among us has never been in a situation like this?

Finally, the anti-gay movement in America makes some fucking sense. Also?

“It’s the rod of God! I am looking for the secret of heaven that can penetrate the homosexual agenda with the love of Jesus and the truth!”

Me too, Lou, me too.

You can read the rest of Evan Hurst’s Very Serious Report at Truth Wins Out, if you’re in the mood to be freaked out by the scary Dominionist wingnuts who slither around among us.

P.S. Isn’t it funny that the Very Serious Gay Activist has the same name as your Wonkette’s new Reporter to/for/regarding The Homosexuals? I smell trickery.

P.P.S. If you are the “three story homosexual” with the Boner of God who keeps appearing to these poor kids in their dreams, could you cut it out, and also see me after class?

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  1. P.S. Isn’t it funny that the Very Serious Gay Activist has the same name as your Wonkette’s new Reporter to/for/regarding The Homosexuals? I smell trickery.

    Maybe it’s just a nom de plume?

  2. I am told; only by women so far, that the advantage to being an “average” is that it will fit anywhere (hint, hint). Small consolation, since most men fantasize about being hung like a quart beer bottle, myself among them. Imagine being three stories tall! In the immortal words of Teri Garr in “Young Frankenstein”: “Woof!” My point; it would not fit ANYWHERE, whether your bent be gay or straight. I don’t know what, if anything, this has to do with this article, I just felt like venting that, regardless of practicality, I wish my dick were bigger; and in MY dream Jeebus is riding an eight-story tall Dinosaur… Much cooler!

  3. Homosexual thrusting? Giant jesuses? Welcome to The Wonkette, sir. Please do stay a while!

    Also, the whole “scroll smashes gay agenda” thing sounds like our good pastor got drunk reading Nebuchanezzar’s Dream, woke up, and tried to spit it out, but it was all blurry, and the gays, and… well, it just seems like pretty second-rate prophesisin’, that’s all.

  4. As I have long maintained: “Commie Pinko Fags.” This place is FULL of them.

    Case closed.

    [The “Rod of God.” Dear Jaysus, but have these people no sense of irony?

    “At long last, Senator, have you no Sense of Irony?”]

    P.S. Breaking News: Michele Bachmann announces her new role in “Heterosexual Aversion Therapy.” One look at her naked cures All Unnatural Lusts . . . and some natural ones, too.

  5. [re=611871]ttommyunger[/re]: You say this now, but the first time you figure out that you actually need “larger size” condoms, a world of strange awaits you at the store. Oh, sure, buying condoms is totally normally, but when they’re *sized* condoms that encounter with the cute clerk is going to be a whole lot more awkward, what with her trying to scrub the image of your nether regions out of her head with brain bleach as you sheepishly try to find exact change…

    Anyway, this thing, basically, is Bert I Gordon’s “Village of the Giants” meets “Scissor Sisters”, and as a fan of camp of many varieties I’m all for it.

  6. I used to dream that Jesus was the size of my little finger and I would strip him naked and hang him from a tree until he died. Cheers

  7. Among his crimes, this “Evan Hurst” snake also stole the name of the great rock and roll band The Call, who gave us such awesome music as The Walls Came Down, and “Let the Day Begin.”

    If there’s a Rock and Roll Heaven, Hurst is going to Hell.

  8. Jehu? He’s the king of Israel who slew his rivals and had Jezebel thrown from a window to be eaten by dogs. To what sort of idiot does this sound inspiring?

  9. [re=611884]Oblios Cap[/re]: Perhaps. But maybe it would be like the length being inversely proportional to height one’s pick-up is jacked-up.

  10. [re=611886]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The kind who is out for violent revolution and salvation through the sword?

    In other words, the scary kind.

  11. I would totally hate-fuck Michelle Bachmann. Do “the gays” get that? Are there gay guys sitting around saying “Damn, I would totally hate-fuck Lou Engle!”

  12. [re=611894]Hoverboy[/re]: This depends; is Lou Engle fuckable? I don’t really see it. It’s not as if we breeders would hatefuck, say, Liz Cheney, after all.

  13. “the foreman rolled a scroll” I read that as “the foreskin rolled a scroll”. Maybe there was a hidden message! But if this straight woman with lousy gaydar got it, it’s not really hidden.

  14. I suspect that “Little Lou” and his buddies were using some deep breathing methods in their prayer circle. Scroll of the covenant of Jehu sounds a lot like The Big Bambu to me.

  15. Lesbians don’t get targeted so much with this sort of drivel; is it because of the male-centric aspect of the Trinity? Or, more likely, is it because of the men, who are most often the ones disturbed by this, are secretly afraid they might themselves have this attraction to other men?

  16. [re=611897]PsycGirl[/re]: See, I read it, and the first thing I thought was “is this some weird D&D thing? Rolled a scroll? Do you us a D6 or a D12 for that?”

    [re=611899]chascates[/re]: Well, to be all feministy, it seem it’s mostly because of the whole icky thing about men being penetrated, which is the no-go. I mean, lesbians are a mindfuck to some, too, but not nearly as scary to manly men as the thought of being decentered as the source of power and authority by rear entry.

  17. I think one could draw an interesting parallel between this dream and the “drunk dreams” had by recovering alcoholics. Would a straight person ever dream a dream like this one? I think not, no matter how ensconced in the “Back Door War” they might be.

  18. [re=611897]PsycGirl[/re]: What’s with rolling a scroll? That’s not a craps term. Do you think the blessed children were playing that satanic Dungeons and Dragons game and someone, who perhaps wasn’t a clean-cut Jewish boy, rolled those polyhedron dice and scored some wizardly artifact that melted the 30-foot gay Jeebus?

  19. [re=611896]Mad Brahms[/re]: Okay, Liz Cheney’s an easy call. How about that beanpole woman with the big fake boobs, what’s her name, uh yeah: Ann Coulter. Couldja hate-fuck her? Sure she’s odious, but remember: big fake boobs!

    Nah, I couldn’t either.

    [re=611903]BadKitty[/re]: Ever been married?

  20. From a comment to a TownHall article of California’s Prop 8 debate:

    Homosexuals do not achieve psychological satisfaction by engaging in same-sex sex. That is the reason that homosexuals are highly promiscuous compared to heterosexuals. Homosexuals can desire sex again only one or two hours after same-sex because they are not psychologically satisfied by their sex. Heterosexuals often can go for days, weeks or months before desiring sex again because they have achieved psychological satisfaction from their last physical sex act.

  21. [re=611894]Hoverboy[/re]: I would fuck neither Lou Engle nor Michelle Bachman. I only fuck attractive people.

    “Heterosexuals often can go for days, weeks or months before desiring sex again”
    I can easily imagine a mega-church pastor explaining just this to his wife as he leaves for a meth-fueled weekend of saving some poor lost soul he met on

  22. Hooray! This is the kind of cut-to-the-chase, hard-hitting journamalism I expect from Wonkette. I pray for, no I demand! more.

  23. [re=611921]chascates[/re]: Heterosexuals often can go for days, weeks or months ? implies a ‘non-aggressive’ sex drive , not a particular degree of satisfaction . or a closet condition

  24. [re=611924]x111e7thst[/re]: That’s not hetrosexuality being described. That’s a side effect to anti-depressants.

  25. They actually had a dream. They saw a three-story homosexual man,

    Would you believe that they got stoned during the end of “Ghost Busters”?

  26. [re=611919]V572625694[/re]: God, no. She’s proof that androgyny is not *always* sexy.

    [re=611921]chascates[/re]: So heteros are all completely codependent, is what they’re saying?

  27. [re=611921]chascates[/re]:

    They do however elicit a great deal of genital satisfaction, and I am willing to bet that this is the real charcoal that fuels the hot boy-b-cues*.

    *Having known many “vagitarians” in my lifetime, I don’t know that they have this particular promiscuity affliction.

  28. Homosexuals can desire sex again only one or two hours after same-sex because they are not psychologically satisfied by their sex.

    Actually, it’s more like MEN desire sex again and again – it has nothing to do with gayness. If a straight man could get a woman to agree to sex again in “only one or two hours”, they’d be boinking their brains out. Woman are the gatekeepers in a hetero relationship. Men are looking for it all the time.

  29. That’s an interesting article on TWO, Evan — sitting through an hour-and-a-half of kingergarten chants at the beginning sounds delightful. I guess that’s how they get rid of (most of) the spies before Engle speaks.
    Oh, and don’t forget there’s an Engle-Palin connection:
    Engle serves alongside Sarah Palin’s friend and prayer group leader Mary Glazier, as a prophet on the New Apostolic Reformation’s Apostolic Council of Prophetic Elders, a group of less than thirty, headed by Peter Wagner, which issues prophetic statements. Besides Engle and Glazier, another ACPE prophet is Bishop Harry Jackson, who has led recent efforts to ban gay marriage in the District of Columbia.

  30. [re=611886]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Not to dispute with you Wooks but Jehu didn’t toss Jezebel out the Palace window, he had the Court Eunuchs do it.
    I only mention it because that because it might suggest exactly how his “Jehus Covenental Community” could defeat three stories of unrepentant gehness, (likely with an aptly positioned true believer armed some type of pruning hook on the end of a long pole, about 15 feet should do it, I reckon…)

  31. Yesterday, I perceived the number ‘234’, first as a Drudge headline. Usually, my grasp of numbers is instantaneous, but this one confused me. Was this representative of a fucking retard learning to count? A typo?

    Then ‘234’ again at the parade. To my Teabagging friend the question was asked. He looks at me like I am stupid and informs me that the United States just turned two hundred and thirty-four years of age. Why did I not know this, I thought? Because I did know it.

    The answer is perhaps a sign, in the form of a sequence.

    What does ‘234’ mean? The number represents three continuously increasing digits, ‘2’, ‘3’, and ‘4’. The contemplative mind always anticipates, and utilizing Logic, we conclude that next sequence would be ‘345’. From here, we utilize Arithmetic, Geometry, and history, as we seek to understand this sign.

    Arithmetic (a Liberal Art): 3^2 + 4^2 = 9 + 16 = 25 = 5^2

    Geometry (a Liberal Art): The 47th Proposition of Euclid, or the Pythagorean Theorem, states that the square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the other two sides, if one of the triangle’s angles is ninety degrees, or, a 3-4-5 triangle.

    History (not a Liberal Art): Pythagoras was the father of Greek philosophy, and by extrapolation, the father of the United States Constitution. In his view mathematics was philosophy was wisdom. He had a saying: ‘There are men, there are Gods, and there are men like Pythagoras.’ His view of himself was very similar to Barack’s view of Barack, but Pythagoras was intelligent.

    Pythagoras, you see, did not read somebody else’s words from a teleprompter, and was reportedly a heterosexual. So, anyway, Pythagoras also was a sexist and considered odd numbers to be masculine, and even numbers to be feminine.

    The number ‘2’, he understood, denoted a Dyad = line = 2 dimensions = diversity = the number of excess and defect.

    The number ‘3’ denoted Triad = plane = a restoration of harmony.

    The number ‘4’ denoted Tetrad = the first feminist square = various cycles of life and the laws of nature.

    The number ‘5’ denoted Pentad = masculine marriage number = considered incorruptible as multiples of the number 5 always end in 5.

    So, in conclusion, the next phase of United States history I see as more masculine, less excessive and defective, and incorruptible, as we progress from the sequence ‘234’ to ‘345’. In other words, we finally achieve Plato’s timocracy.

    My advice to you is therefore to embrace Teabaggerism. The meetings are pretty fun and there are some hotties, another very positive sign.

  32. [re=611958]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Tea bagger ladies may be hot under all that corn syrup flab. There is no way to know.
    Is that you, Bill Donahoooooooo?

  33. interesting that he called it a dream and not a nightmare . dream=dreamy and nightmare =scary . odd . they have dreamy dreams about a really big gay guy who is ‘giant’ , standing over them , and each one takes his turn being helpless ( ie a bottom ) it sounds like the dreamy big guy with his giant c..k . was their dream , and the foreman was the nightmare

  34. [re=611931]springfield_meltdown[/re]: you are right . it’s not a hetero condition . it’s a closet case phony’s condition . my older sis is a hetero and ( although he is very conservative ) , so is her husband . he wears her out , 3/4 ‘sessions’ a week , 3-5 wadshoots per . he always has a boner . the town hall commenter was not talking about straight men . my bro in law is , i think , more of a regular guy . he has a lot of sex ’cause he likes it sooooo much .

  35. Welcome, Evan Hurst, if that is your real name. You’re gay, sure, who isn’t, but are you a ginger? Henghhh? Seems to be the only way to get hired at The Wonkette. Or maybe you’re in denial, like one Jack Steuf, or however the hell he spells that fake name de plume, umlauts be damned.

    Let me just end by saying I, for one, welcome our new gay ginger overlord. Gainger? Whatevs.

  36. Dear Penthouse Forum:
    I consider myself a pretty vanilla guy, so you can imagine my surprise when a three story tall gay guy appeared at our prayer group…

  37. my bro in law is , i think , more of a regular guy

    Apparently not unless he thinks about gay sex every second of every minute of every hour of every day (and presumably how, you know, icky it is). Just like all those “regular” christian wingnuts do.

  38. It’s ironic (and depressing) that the Republicans pour tax benefits on married (M+F) couples. By not extending those benefits to all couples, they are making non-M+F’ers pay more. Why do the Republicans love higher taxes?

  39. [re=611928]proudgrampa[/re]: Some of my best homosexuals are friends…

    [re=611882]facehead[/re]: I’ll protect you, Mate! – now bend over…

    [re=611929]rmjag[/re]: Indeed – my Senior-Bear seldom had ‘relations’ with his wife… so when he met me whilst I was at Uni, he was as randy as a two-dicked dingo!

    [re=611952]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Nope – he’s a power-top, looking for someone like you who can ‘take it like a man’…

  40. [re=611977]Joshua Norton[/re]: you make a very good point . however , he is an atheist and is very close to his gay stepson . he is not regular in the xian wingnut sense . he is regular in that he – like most guys – thinks constantly of sex ( and lucky him , actually gets a lot ). as opposed to the townhall commentator , who might not be male anyway . point is , the commentator claimed that basically , the less sex a straight man has , the more satisfied he is . and the more sex a gay man has , the more unsatisfied he is . sour grapes for him or her .

  41. [re=611989]Bearbloke[/re]: Indeed – my Senior-Bear seldom had ‘relations’ with his wife… so when he met me whilst I was at Uni, he was as randy as a two-dicked dingo! Ok , and then what happened ?

  42. [re=611992]Bearbloke[/re]: and since i did ask , will you tell ? i can visualize something educational , instructional , romantical and somewhat nasty …. sounds dreamy

  43. [re=611899]chascates[/re]: Well, who can say? I think the best answer is a riddle. Q: Why are queer men usually called “gay”? A: Because, generally, they are. Q: Why aren’t queer women usually called “gay”? A: Because, generally, they aren’t.

    [re=611900]Mad Brahms[/re]: You’re thinking too hard. I’ve worked with junior high cheerleaders and football players (in the USA), and what goes on in cheer camp as a matter of course is matter-of-fact and filthy beyond the dreams of dirty old men, while what happens in football camp is furtive and horrifying to those involved and best forgotten soonest and fullest. — Assuming the participants and observers are, on balance, hetero. Guilt is a personal thing, but if Tom Sawyer had sucked off Huck Finn, it would be much more surprising than if Becky Thatcher had eaten out Tom Sawyer’s ex-girlfriend. If you dig my ditch.

  44. [re=611999]GreenHalo[/re]: I’m informed that Amy Lawrence used to bump uglies with Tom Sawyer. I mention this because my correspondent got killed on Final Jeopardy (“it really is different in front of an audience”) and would really rather die than look up the answer on Google, just as I left it blank rather than consult WikiDipshit. My point stands.

  45. Well, they are claiming to be prophets now? Specifically, they’re claiming to be Daniel?

    “Sir, pretending to extraordinary gifts of the Holy Spirit is a horrid thing, a horrid thing indeed,” as the Bishop of Riding said to John Wesley.

    They read a little bit about the inspiration, and then they ignore the vast amount about how the tests take place. Since their theology denounces “tradition,” they’ve never read or heard a word about the tens of thousands of heretics who had dreams, too.

  46. [re=611948]legalize everything[/re]: 300′ gay man?

    I don’t think Godzilla will do the trick. We must re-re-release King Kong.

    (True story: first movie I went to see with “my own money” was King Kong vs. Godzilla — an actual Toho laugher from the 1970’s.)

  47. [re=611910]sati demise[/re]: It’s the poster for Roger Corman’s “Zombies Fear Queers”, now opening in limited release.

    Okay, now that Wonkette has gone like all nancy homo and stuff can we expect more links British Vogue and Gawker? Just asking.

  48. It’s too bad Estus Pirkle and Ron Ormond are in heaven making jesusploitation movies for Jesus himself now, because I think a movie about a three story gay monster would be perfect as a next project for them. It could consist of Gigantigay battling a manly Godzilla (or maybe South Park Jesus), with Pirkle’s sermonizing interspersed.

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