The Ivory Tower: Ayn Rand in the 21st Century

by Benjamin Frisch

Those heavy people reveal the soft spot.
Ayn Rand’s Present Day Adventures continue in this, Episode V! In honor of this fifth weekiversary, we offer this very special chapter, which is pretty much just like all the previous episodes — but more contemporary.

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Panquake July 6, 2010 at 11:06 am


dr.giraud July 6, 2010 at 11:07 am

Reminds of that Randy Newman line: “I recoil in horror/at the foulness of thee.”

Nicely describes my feelings about Ayn Rand, and Rand’s feelings for her followers.

MarieDeGournay July 6, 2010 at 11:15 am

When take my special fields exams I will get on my chair and scream: “I need no peer review!” Best way to get kicked out of the academy.

4tehlulz July 6, 2010 at 11:23 am


Edsdesk July 6, 2010 at 11:24 am

I can’t wait for the next exiting episode!

rev_matt_y July 6, 2010 at 11:30 am

I think the representation of Rand is an attempt to personify the ugliness of her ideas, and it’s not nearly horrifying enough to do so.

Gorillionaire July 6, 2010 at 11:30 am

lluv the alt text

proudgrampa July 6, 2010 at 11:31 am

Well done!

JadedDIssonance July 6, 2010 at 11:32 am

Bravo. Bravo dear Benjamin.

Ye Olde Fap-Smith July 6, 2010 at 11:33 am

[re=612145]rev_matt_y[/re]: needz moar hunchback!

freakishlystrong July 6, 2010 at 11:34 am

That just completely negated my joy over whoopie pie..

iwillsavethispatient July 6, 2010 at 11:37 am

I think we’ve found the next big internet meme:


SayItWithWookies July 6, 2010 at 11:38 am

One of the best moments of the past few years — which didn’t get nearly enough publicity and which deserves to be played over and over again on national television every night until the free-marketers go away — is Alan Greenspan testifying after the economic meltdown, admitting he was wrong about how if we deregulated everything, the markets would work all by themselves. That he’s officially repudiated his idiotic philosophy just seems to have blown by the people it needs to reach.

freakishlystrong July 6, 2010 at 11:42 am

[re=612156]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And yet, he will appear on the “news” programs as a “economic specialist”. Utterly discredited, but, who cares?

Oblios Cap July 6, 2010 at 11:45 am

So Sarah Palin’s babblespeak is hiding the fact that she has teamed up with zombie Ayn to usher in a new Randian paradise?

I am aghast!

Snarkalicious July 6, 2010 at 11:50 am

[re=612160]freakishlystrong[/re]: Ten minutes on NPR and a 6 second blurb, as an average, on each network. Liberal Media bias indeeed.

Also…I cannot wait for Ayn Rand to go all Buffalo Bill on Sarah Palin.

Radiotherapy July 6, 2010 at 11:50 am

Yentas gone wild! Who knew?

user-of-owls July 6, 2010 at 12:03 pm


You know, if I was on your committee I’d pass you.
That, of course, knowing full well you’d wind up in a shelter hectoring bums in the food line about your degree.

onehotdisaster July 6, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Ohh Ohh!! i lived in a building called Ivory Tower back in the glory days at GW. I used to review my peers from across the street in their fraternity houses. Ayn missed out!

sezme July 6, 2010 at 12:07 pm

Dammit, Ben! Why’dja have to go and make her so sexy?

rmjag July 6, 2010 at 12:10 pm

rand wasn’t ugly , her face just had a strong personality .

thehelveticascenario July 6, 2010 at 12:19 pm

Atlas Shrugged and said, “I dunno lol”.

proudgrampa July 6, 2010 at 12:24 pm

[re=612155]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: I DON’ GOT TO SHOW YOU NO STINKIN’ PEER REVIEW!

gurukalehuru July 6, 2010 at 12:29 pm


imissopus July 6, 2010 at 12:37 pm

[re=612156]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The Daily Show had a great moment around that time where they played that clip and cut back to Jon Stewart saying something like “Really? The big flaw in your theory that nearly took down the economy of the entire planet is that you didn’t know people could be douchey?” Probably the best summation anyone has ever made of Alan Greenspan’s economic theories.

weejee July 6, 2010 at 12:43 pm

What will Ayn think about the tapeworm tunnels in the Grifter brain from eating bad moose.

user-of-owls July 6, 2010 at 12:50 pm

[re=612259]weejee[/re]: Not to mention the family-wide infestation of hookworms.

user-of-owls July 6, 2010 at 12:51 pm

[re=612235]gurukalehuru[/re]: I AM SPARTACUS! I NEED NO PEER REVIEW!

Clancy_Pants July 6, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Potater July 6, 2010 at 12:57 pm

I am eager to see the Snowbilly / Galtian showdown.

Tommmcatt July 6, 2010 at 1:01 pm

It is a long established intertubez tradition that if you call a meme a meme then it isn’t a meme.

Listen to your peers on this one.

Aurelio July 6, 2010 at 1:37 pm

[re=612133]MarieDeGournay[/re]: Ayn’s corpse would be hired with immediate tenure at Beck University.

dex July 6, 2010 at 2:12 pm

i can’t wait till we get to the part where batman swoops in to kick this ugly villain’s ass.

GOPCrusher July 6, 2010 at 2:29 pm

I’m holding out for the tentacle porn.

steverino247 July 6, 2010 at 4:03 pm

[re=612278]user-of-owls[/re]: I am Spartacus!

sati demise July 6, 2010 at 4:36 pm

[re=612156]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Exactly.

I wonder why the GOP did not get that message.
They neglected to read David Stockmans book, too.

Still fucking that trickle down/free market chicken

Rotundo July 6, 2010 at 4:57 pm

[re=612533]sati demise[/re]: A rising tide floats all boats(unless you’re already sunk).

UncleTom July 6, 2010 at 5:19 pm

I picture this version of Alan Greenspan sounding like Mr. Burns when he talks rather than his true nasal tone.

Atlas Spanked July 6, 2010 at 10:50 pm

As someone who’s long found Ayn Rand’s “objectivism” to a hysterical excuse for anything except her own mental baggage, I must say Benjamin Frisch, you are awesome.

rastignac July 6, 2010 at 11:34 pm

The cover sketch for this week’s episode clearly shows that Ayn Rand’s philosophy emanates directly from her asshole.

zhubajie July 7, 2010 at 6:36 am

[re=612191]user-of-owls[/re]: How do you think I ended up teaching English in China?

zhubajie July 7, 2010 at 6:42 am

You know, when you move to Alaska, you have to do two things to become a real Alaskan: wrestle with a bear and have sex with an Eskimo. Will AR end up in the sack with Todd Palin,then wrestle with the momma grisly?

zhubajie July 7, 2010 at 6:45 am

In real life, AR was a amphetamine addict. When she gets to Wasilla, after her encounter with the Abominations of Palination, I propose she try to take over Ma Johnston’s meth mob, and be shot be Levi. Or maybe marooned on iceberg (where she could have sex with a giant squid. You promised us tentacle sex, you know!!)

zhubajie July 7, 2010 at 6:47 am

[re=612200]rmjag[/re]: Don’t kid yourself, she was butt-ugly. Sailors home from six months at sea gathering horseshoe crabs would think twice or three times before getting it on with Ayn Rand.

Obamas Left Testicle July 9, 2010 at 9:17 pm

I am appalled at the thudding obtuseness of this graphic parody, which could have been funny with just a little effort, but I am especially dismayed by the exceptionally poor quality of the user commentary herein. Many of you can barely string two words together, and for most of you, if IQ were calories, you couldn’t boil a dewdrop.

I could say many things to illustrate just how stupid this parody and its readers are, but I will confine myself to a single one, as follows:

The McKinney-Vento Homeless Assistance Act is presently the legislation that enables most funding for homeless individuals. Do any of you brilliant social and political commentators wanna take a guess as to which president signed it?

kudzu July 9, 2010 at 11:21 pm

Nice. I like it. Keep writing.

Tommmcatt July 9, 2010 at 11:56 pm

[re=614905]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]:

Who are you, Foghorn Leghorn? “I say, son, I say, this graphic parody is thuddin’ an’ obtuse!”

Only a paultard could be this pretentious. You are a paultard, right?

Admit it, you’ll feel better.

Obamas Left Testicle July 10, 2010 at 12:51 am

Mr. Tommcatt, you are a *perfect* specimen of someone who cannot string two words together. For future reference, when making a case for your intellectual superiority, evoking a child’s cartoon character demonstrates precisely the opposite.

Pretentious? Do you know *anything* about the subject of this article?

DC Hates Me July 10, 2010 at 10:19 am

[re=614952]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: Yes, the subject of the article is Ayn Rand; perhaps the most pretentious author in history. The prog-rock band, Rush, wrote their “concept album”, ’2112′ because of her. Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation .. wtf?eatabagofdicks!

Chet Kincaid July 10, 2010 at 11:19 am

I can’t stand Rand, but this series needs more funny.

Chet Kincaid July 10, 2010 at 11:27 am

[re=614971]DC Hates Me[/re]: I’m sure Neil Peart cringes at the writings of his dumb extended adolescence (since he doesn’t write dumb anymore); he moved on long ago. Which is more than you can say for Alan Greenspan. And the consequences to the global economy of Greenspan’s thralldom are infinitely worse than a little Geddy Lee shrieking.

DC Hates Me July 10, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Why do we allow Canadians into this country but Mexicans have to sneak in? I’d rather hear a mariachi version of Temple of Syrinx. Vihuelas and Guitarrons are great sounding instruments, check these out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRzmyTn_PfE

zhubajie July 10, 2010 at 8:32 pm

[re=614952]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: Dear Mr. Testicle, I hereby award you the coveted plexiglas belly-button award, so that you can see where you are going.

carlgt1 July 11, 2010 at 11:44 am

Ayn Rand is just a convenient excuse for greedy old white people to feel OK about being greed, old, and white. She’s basically what the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi was for the Beatles (as Kurt Vonnegut espoused, i.e. made them feel spiritual without having to really do anything or give away all their cash).

carlgt1 July 11, 2010 at 11:59 am

It’s funny to see a Randroid Repuke like OLT show up here. I remember stepping over the homeless on the sidewalks of Philadelphia in the 80′s because Reagan reduced the funding for mental health institutions (Byberry in Philly being a major one that shut down). And the patients/clients (many of them veterans) were literally thrown out on the streets. So because Reagan happened to sign a bill that Dems put up to help the homeless, doesn’t make him any more ethical. Just as Nixon signing the EPA bills didn’t make him an environmentalist hippie.

I never quite understood the Reagan hype — anybody who actually lived through the 80′s and saw what was going on knows he was just an affable buffoon at best. The episode in Oliver Sacks’ book, about aphasic patients who saw right through Reagan’s acting on a big speech, and were laughing their heads off as it was obvious to them he was just totally lying and acting, says it all.

Obamas Left Testicle July 12, 2010 at 6:53 pm

Hi X I am with you on the mariachi bands. My conflict is with liberals who advocate the status quo of lousy pay and substandard working conditions for illegal Mexicans. Logical consistency would seem to dictate a more coherent policy stance.

Carl: Guilty as charged, although I recall the mental health institutions being emptied because civil rights advocates successfully argued that confining such patients was a violation of their civil rights, not because of any funding issue, which is mostly a state issue anyway. Isn’t it predictibly sad how liberal policies can produce such human misery, and willful idiots will always refuse to see the truth?

Obamas Left Testicle July 12, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Oh, and calling a politician a liar: now *that’s* original.

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