This category could've easily had a hundred nominees.
How much do you like American Cable News? Not at all? Well, you’re probably not even very American. Because part of being born on the Fourth of July — as all of us were, unless we were slaves or women or whatever — is loving television. It’s right there under that ink blot or cum stain or whatever it is, on the Declaration of Independence! So let’s honor television’s most awful cable-news regular panelists/guests/idiots, and then vote against them, for freedom, just like Thomas Jefferson would want.

(And did you vote in the first and second categories of the 2010 Weeping Eagles, for Worst Washington Post Op-Idiot and Most Awful Political Twitterer Person? You forgot? Well please go do that now, thank you.)

[poll id=”8″]

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  1. How can you leave out Retired General (and current defense contractor shill) Barry McCaffrey? He speaks as though he hasn’t quite finished his Oatmeal; mangling syllable and syntax with abject equanimity, all the while demonstrating all the charisma of a man desperately fighting sleep. His first civilian gig was for Dubya (you betcha) as drug czar. We all know how well that worked out. It’s true we haven’t seen so much of him lately, thank Jeebus, but he’ll be back. Old Generals never die, they just look that way.

  2. A difficult category. I’m hoping Erick, Son of Erick, will be eligible in another category, as he’s another man who deserves to “win” an award. For now, though, I think Daughter of Frankenstein is a good choice.

  3. and you even left out the mighty Kingman himself, who has great guests, but looks like a squirrel and would literally fall out of his pants if not for those ridiculous suspenders; and then there’s the fact that his recent youthful bride has already almost tried to kill herself from boredom..making him literally one step below the dreaded tom cruise who’s poor wife katie always looks like she’s saying ‘help me’ with her eyes when seen in public with him.

    of course, LK has his finger so on the pulse of america culture, that he announced his retirement just last week, obviously sniffing the wonkette’s weeping eagles on the horizon

  4. Hands down for Cheney, only because we can’t legally have hands up in an appropriate choking position.

    Bur still, no Krauthammer? Couldn’t we give him an honorary “Person You’d Like To See Re-enact the Baby Carriage Scene from Battleship Potemkin Award?”

  5. Karl Rove and Bill Kristol should have been on there, but, hands-down, Liz Cheney is like a video cyst, throbbing and pulsing, irritating just to observe.

  6. [re=611709]user-of-owls[/re]: Wonkers do not mock the crips or the gimps, the tards or the ‘caps. True, Mike Steele and Governor Quitter excluded.

    [re=611698]ttommyunger[/re]: When McCaffrey gives a Rolling Stone interview, then and only may be nominated. Apart from that, we respect generals.

  7. You do realize that Bill Kristol qualifies for ALL these catagories, don’t you? Or has he been retired because no one else would ever get a vote if his name was on the ballot.

  8. I don’t have cable or Russian-Spy-Satellite TV or any of those things, but I would like to kick Liz Cheney square in the pissflaps, so I’ll vote for her. Please bludgeon her with the award, (if she wins out over those other whores.)

  9. Pat Buchanan worked his way up from nothing and labored for decades to become the asshole he is today. Liz Cheney had it handed to her on a plate.

  10. donny deutch is dreamy . he smacked down that scaife shill ann coulter big time . so it has to be liz cheney . and what would be her prize for winning ? ” going hunting with her father ” ?

  11. I urge my fellow Wonketteers to vote Buchanan, and to vote early and often.

    Everyone is letting Cheney family hatred obfuscate reality here. Yes, Liz Cheney is loathsome, but she isn’t a raging racist and an anti-Semite. Hell, even Bill Buckley Jr. wrote that Buchanan is an anti-Semite. And he’s obsessed with race.

    I don’t want to live in an America where Pat Buchanan is not the most loathsome cable news slug.

  12. Giving it to Pat Buchanan may amount to a lifetime achievement award, but face it: He’s been thoroughly odious since at least the early ’70s. And as a co-host of the first edition of “Crossfire”, he helped shape cable news as the loud-mouthed hatefest it is today. Besides, how many people even on the foaming-mouthed right are shameless enough to claim Hitler wasn’t really so bad? Really, no one deserves this award more than der Großführer of today’s Teabag television

  13. [re=611741]iburl[/re]: That toothsome blond is a dead ringer. A red finger. Abed linger…masturbating to its face in the mirror. Lizzy, ok!

  14. [re=611743]Katydid[/re]: Lizzy C is not just loathsome – she has the potential to a great deal of harm in the future. She will almost certainly be in Congress relatively soon, perhaps in the Senate at some point. Buchanan peaked quite a while ago and is gradually sliding into the fetid and noisesome obscurity he so richly deserves.

  15. [re=611730]Fred Wertham Jr.[/re]: your brilliant comment brought up visuals – cheney – plate of asshole -shudder – blech – that were not so much brilliant . but thank you anyway .

  16. Why Liz? Not only is she Dick’s mutant shit baby but she also has a set of soup bowls made of skulls of Iraq and Afghan war veterans.

    Ask me which Cheney I hate the most and I’ll give you a Palinesque answer. All of them .

  17. [re=611746]x111e7thst[/re]: You’re right, but for some reason I don’t let Liz Cheney get to me. I have a defense mechanism that lets me tune her out; I think it’s left over from junior high, when I wanted to smack around girls like her. Everyone did. That voice alone. She’s such a daddy’s girl; I honestly don’t know how anyone can stand to be in the same room with her.

    I used to work in cable news, and there are so many assholes there…really, almost everyone in cable news is an asshole. Maybe I was too at that time. Entire cable networks are assholic. But I’m not so sure she’ll ever get to the Senate. What state does she live in? Maryland? Virginia?

  18. [re=611725]Joshua Norton[/re]: Kristol also qualifies for the Weeping Eagle Awards’ “Best Human Dildo” nomination…

  19. Carville got more votes than the Donny Douche bag? gobsmacked there.

    With Pat Buchannan you pretty much know what your getting, a racist old wind bag.

    But Lizard Cheney is so slimy, so devious, so malicious and so young. She has a lot of time to develop her skills.

  20. [re=611743]Katydid[/re]: Ya know, I reflexively chose the Liz Chaney option, but then I started to reconsider, and when I got to your post I realized that she wasn’t really even in the same league with the piece of shit Pat Buchanan is. I think it’s because she’s so fresh and new that she stands out, and Pat has been doing his awful schtick for so long that he seems like part of the landscape, and he’s easy to overlook. Thanks for a good post.

  21. Evil Liz probably deserves my vote for basically being her father in swamp monster drag, but I can’t resist voting for Erik intersexed-daughter of Erick because something about his fat, smug face sets me off every time.

  22. Liz is probably most evil because of the basic equation: (Stupid*Money*Power)*Anydemoonstratedeffects = Evil, but Eric “Which one’s my ass, again?” Ericson gets my vote because of the further unquantifiable factor of “irrational undeserving of position.”

    He’s as deserving of “political analyst” as the web programmers of 4chan are — except that they’ve all grown up by now. He’s as much an expert as a Wikipedia contributor is. He is the market for Truck Nuts. He gets my vote: scions of evil will be evil, but CNN is trying to give Uncle Ted the finger by grabbing the first shrieking redneck they can find off the Intertubes, with the basic strategy that the more controversial, the more it makes “good television.”

  23. [re=611709]user-of-owls[/re]: More appropriate “Person You’d Like To See Re-enact the Wheelchair Down the Stairs Scene from The Kiss of Death Award?”

    “You know what I do to squealers? I let ’em have it in the belly, so they can roll around for a long time thinkin’ it over. You’re worse than him, tellin’ me he’s comin’ back? Ya lyin’ old hag!”

  24. No Dick Morris? Must be saving him for the “most loathsome person in human history” category; and “fattest, bloated pig” award.

  25. On important subjects such as this, there often exist many opinions. But only one can be correct.

    The answer is thus Juan Williams.

  26. I would agree with El Pinche and say all of them.

    However, I’d have to vote for Liz.

    1) I don’t know why she’s on TV. She’s not elected. Doesn’t run a blog. Isn’t anything except for the fact she shares 1/2 DNA and 100% of her evil with Daddykins. Makes her lesbian sister merely loathsome not despicable.
    2) Like she actually knows anything
    3) Does she actually have any skills?
    4) Seriously, does she know anything outside of “Don’t hurt/mock my daddy!!”?

  27. The way I look at it, Buchanan is ignored. Hence, he mouths some really disastrous syllables, some incredibly offensive things, but he’s poison. He also can show remorse.

    Carville is out of power. Democrats don’t entirely ignore him, but he’s out. His spin shop does some business internationally, but not very successfully at this point. As for the content of his speech, it’s … obnoxious but random.

    So, that gives us Donny Deutsch, who has little reach, “Fat Bastard” Erikson, and Liz. The former has little reach, and he’s owned by his corporate overlords. That gets us down to whether the sheer incomprehensible stupidity of hiring Ericson is enough to get the vote or the actual ability of Liz to get “Keeping American Safe” and other things that get into news headlines tips the vote. Liz probably is the most annoying: no regret, no conscience, no awareness, coupled with joyful embracing of evil in all its manifestations, and then a glad willingness to poison lives.

    Me: I think CNN’s owners need to get a painful rectal discharge, an incurable one, for their philosophy of “good television” instead of journalism.

  28. [re=611698]ttommyunger[/re]: McCaffrey’s also on retainer to (or an employee of) a big Kansas City engineering firm. Every time he’s on the teevee bloviating about this or that topic (like how he won the war on drugs), the employees and stockholders wonder why he can’t at least wear a lapel pin with the logo on it.

  29. Read the terms, people: “television’s most awful cable-news regular panelists/guests/idiots”. There’s no way Carville can’t be the hands-down winner. It’s the awful, stupid! Who’s more awful than the Cajun snake-head?

  30. [re=611786]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Exactly. The mear fact that she’s on any news program shows just how much TV News loves to cultivate a supple spine and wear its belly groveling in the dust.

  31. I voted Erickson because although I’ve never watched any of them, not having cable, he seems fairly young, and thus has longer to suffer the shame and humiliation of being awarded the Weeping Eagle. Cheney maybe too, but I don’t even know what she looks like. Besides, she’ll fade off into the sunset as soon as daddy dies (like that’s even possible).

  32. [re=611743]Katydid[/re] and [re=611744] Surfeit O’Hubris[/re]: Great post on why Buchanan, but he since he is such a fossil. Can anyone really prove he’s still alive? Liz, as [re=611746]x111e7thst[/re] said, Liz is on the cusp of a loathsome career.

    Ken, will the Weeping Eagles include oak stakes for driving through the hearts of the winners?

  33. Heads up, Ken. Your link to the Washington Post Op-idiot vote is wrong. You wouldn’t want to deprive people of their opportunity to vote for this important honor, would you?

  34. [re=611802]Rock Ripsnort[/re]: Coulter attacked “chubby chicks” in front of Juan Williams.

    Since that was over a third of her demographic, she was gone.

  35. i really wish you had put this vote in butterfly ballot form to test the acumen of wonkette voters. of course, then pat buchanan would really win!

  36. Buchanan is such an obvious oaf for hire that he can do no harm. He is like your old racist grandpa yelling at the woodstove.
    Liz Cheney on the other hand has certifiable evil intentions. She clearly wants to set herself up for a House or Senate career, but she has no credentials and no expertise in anything, so she just keeps herself busy defending her dad who also happens to be the most evil man in America. She is rich and probably has more toys than Barbie but she just can’t be happy until she sticks a toothpick in the eye of someone sane.

  37. [re=611744]Surfeit O’Hubris[/re]: Okay, I can’t be the only person who finds it oddly appropriate that that racist hatestick co-hosted a show called “Cross Fire”.

  38. I had to go with Ewick, Son of Ewick. Liz is her dad with tits, and therefore, relatively easy to predict. Imagine what would emerge from Satan’s lips and you have Dick/Liz’s script note for note. With Ewick, the stupid is greater and the variety and depth of it wins out. Cheney is exceptionally evil, but boring, like her father. Ewick is always obnoxious in new and improved ways.

  39. I’ve been hating on John Stossel since the first time I saw him, back when I was a lad of of 9 or so. What can I say? The bullshit-detector force is strong in me.

  40. [re=611816]Rotundo[/re]:

    I had to go with Cheney. I don’t want to give Erick any reason to think that he’s actually influentual; he does a great job of deluding himself that he’s important.

  41. I jerked my knee and voted for Carville, because being at a party (if you can call it that) at his house is like chewing nails. And I mean without whipped cream.

    But I shouldn’t have done that because apart from the creepy face and irritating voice and his personal priorities [see Party, above], I guess the guy has his politics screwed on right. Or rather, left.

    If I hadn’t jerked my knee, I’d have gone for Liz Cheney because why not? Everybody eles did and I love a good pig pile.

  42. When I said “chewing nails,” I mean the 8p, 10p, Roofing, et cetera type, not the nice polished things at the ends of your fingertips.

  43. [re=611734]Siberian Beetle[/re]: You’re assuming there’s only one Nazi sympathizer?

    [re=611743]Katydid[/re]: Pat Buchanan is an acknowledged joke and framed as a jester on these shows. They villiagers are giving Cheney a sheen of legitimacy that makes her more disturbing than Pat (who people are surprised is still breathing).

    I hate all these fucks: Carville is a fucking whore who’ll replace Dick Morris as (formerly known as Democrat) if Obama gets a second term. You’ll see him trying to burnish his “independent” credentials soon after. And fuck those other two with the double initials (and their under-imaginative parents)

    I’d have to add McCain to the list. Michael Steele too (even though they try to keep his stupid ass off the air).

    Maybe we need to divide the categories. One for guests that have a cable affiliation (like Pat, Fuckabee, etc.) and one for regular guests (like Lizzie not lezzie Cheney, Ravin’ Cravin’ Carville, etc., McGrampy, etc.) Then Pat and Liz can both be winners/bludgeoned with their trophies.

  44. This is a hard choice! Liz Cheney is Liz Cheney, but Pat Buchanan has had a long-ass career as a loathsome parody of a human being. If you count inventing the Southern Strategy and getting accidentally voted for in Palm Beach in 2000, there’s no way any of these guys, even Liz Cheney (or Sarah Palin herself, for that matter) could possibly out-loathsome him.

    Don’t be fooled by his avuncular “aw-shucks” these days on MSNBC; Pat Buchanan has accomplished a lot of evil over the years.

  45. So, why no new posts?
    Ken’s on the tail end of an epic peyote binge;
    Riley’s wrapped up in a three day long D&D marathon;
    Jack’s obsessing over “How Stupid We Are” polls;
    Sara has Barry’s inauguration tape on an endless loop and is worrying about repetitive stress injury in one of her fingers;
    Josh is working feverishly on a manuscript titled, “Frantz Fanon & Crock: Subversive Humor in Subaltern North Africa”;
    Lauri is making artistic hay of Michael “Obama’s Choosing” Steele”;
    and Fletch is playing out a fantasy by hanging around in Washington parking garages and startling passers-by by whispering, “Deep Throat?.”

    Guess it’s up to us today.

  46. [re=611835]user-of-owls[/re]: Honestly. If Wonkette™©®, Inc.(Reg. U.S. Pat. Ofc.) can’t be more productive than this, I want my money back. Sure, Ken looks like a one-man jobs factory lateley, but can we be sure these new hires aren’t really named Suresh, Rani, Patel, etc., and aren’t actually sitting in a cube farm in Bangalore, where they can observe Tom Friedman observing them from his window seat a McDonald’s?

  47. Somebody’s working today, [re=611835]user-of-owls[/re], because they had time to edit out Dolmance’s helpful advice on how to decide to vote on this poll. It was something about cutting off their heads and bouncing around on a trampoline with them for an hour. Seemed practical to me, but maybe too violent? At least I can’t find it when I scroll back.

  48. Ken, you set us up with the introduction, and I think: “Great, I can’t wait!” Then after the jump you make us CHOOSE between Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Belial and the Antichrist. This was supposed to be fun, but now I am gobsmacked. It’s impossible.

  49. I voted for Liz, not for Pat B. The latter really belongs in a separate category, e.g., “Unintentional Comedy.”

    I mean, when he quotes Gen. Nathan Bedford Forest, late of the C.S.A. and the KKK? I, for one, get all tingly.

  50. [re=611836]V572625694[/re]: Perhaps today was the day all the new hires expected to get paid. So Ken is obviously high-tailing it for Sinaloa to see if his drug mules made enough last week to cover Josh, Riley, Sara, Jack, Fletch, Lauri, Cord, Greer, Arielle, and Benjamin.

  51. Now wait a minute because this is important. It is important to get this right. I will continue to dominate this roundtable and to speak condescendingly even to the anchor because… Now wait a minute and don’t try to talk as well because this is important. Anything anyone says bad about my dad is just factually incorrect. And I want– no, actually NEED– to dominate this roundtable and to defend him. Now wait a minute. Because this is really important. To me. Personally. To defend my dad. And protect America from that pussy black man. Who also hates my dad. It’s important. So wait.

  52. [re=611812]Gorillionaire[/re]: Where does Bay Buchanan fit into that equation? Pat may be your old racist grandfather, but I always saw Bay as your alcoholic, chain-smoking racist aunt.

  53. [re=611835]user-of-owls[/re]: Thanks for those lovely visual images: Sarah, please be careful, ice down the affected area(s)and keep pushing liquids (without alcohol, unfortunately) remember this is a marathon and not a sprint.

  54. [re=611846]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Bingo. That’s why I voted for Buchanan: because he is even more offensive when he appears in drag.

  55. [re=611836]V572625694[/re]: Hadn’t considered that. I’m gonna keep a sharp eye out for any upcoming posts dealing with new Slushee regulations or resolutions declaring Vindaloo as Lousiana’s official state dish.

  56. [re=611835]user-of-owls[/re]: Could have been a bad pulled pork at the company picnic too. Got ’em all, en masse. Take a wild guess there House with the etiology (cause) of their devastating, mass illness…
    But, I’m with V572625694 here, cancel my Wonkette™©®, Inc. subscription, for today at least.

  57. [re=611856]Radiotherapy[/re]: Well if the picnic was sponsored by the Palins, I think we can pretty much narrow it down to hookworms.

  58. i’d be happy to vote, but believe it or fucking not, i do not watch broadcast television. i don’t have one of them newfangled digital-signal receiving boxes, neither do i have satellite, nor do i have cable. i get my news and opinion the old-fashioned way, over the internets, and am a much happier cat for that.

    is my stance one of blissful ignorance? i think not. verily i say unto thee, the most important news that could affect me would be of those things (e.g., airplane crash on my house, random bullet through my living room window) that would kill me before i even knew what was going on. everything else is rancid icing on stale cake, pieces of which i partake because as a citizen of a representative democracy of sorts, i feel a responsibility to be something other than completely uninformed.

    and citing to the words of the inimitable paul simon, “i can gather all the news i need off the weather report. hey, i’ve got nothing to do today but smile.”

  59. Oh, it had to be Liz — Buchanan was worse in his heyday, but he’s now toothless and ineffectual. I think the only reason he’s still on The McLaughlin Group is because he gives Eleanor Clift something to get worked up about on Friday nights.
    Liz Cheney though, has a special combination of naked opportunism, imperviousness to facts and sense of her own divine righteousness that Jerry Falwell liked to think were his best traits.
    Which brings to another point: none of these guests, as horrible as they may be, holds a candle to the monsters who have them on and who slurp up their opinions like fawning mandarins. Fuck ’em all as well.

  60. [re=611835]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=611836]V572625694[/re]: How ’bout this?

    Do you dig chess? Well no matter because Sven Fossorson the official Icelandic gravedigger certainly does. Sven put the shovel to the pumice as he dug-up former world chess champ Bobby Fischer in response to Iceland’s Supremes shaking off their ash-covered robes a few weeks back and ordering Bobby Fischer to be exhumed for DNA sampling/a>.

    Seems some paternity questions about whether that randy rookster Fischer provided half the non-mitochondrial DNA for nine year-old Jinky Young, the Filipina daughter of Fischer’s former lover. Jinky wants to get in line for part of the $2M Fischer estate. Jinky has a bit of a problem, even if she’s a DNA match, in that the beloved IRS is also in line and guess who thinks they get first dibs. Come on Jinky, show that you’ve got your daddy’s moves and takeout the IRS with a pawn checkmate 1.d7#.

  61. [re=611743]Katydid[/re]: “Liz Cheney is loathsome, but she isn’t a raging racist and an anti-Semite . . .” I don’t think there’s enough videotape in the world to persuade me that yours is a safe assumption.

    That Aryan-darling “Bad Seed” hairdo of hers with the short straight bangs is not a comforting sight, even before she opens her mouth and starts obliterating reality.

  62. I’m not done slagging on Onkel Pat yet: A lot of the rhetorical viciousness in today’s discourse can be traced back to his Kulturkrieg speech at the ’92 Rethug convention. In fact, I’ll just go ahead and say that everything wrong with this country that isn’t Reagan’s fault is Bats Pukeanon’s fault.

  63. [re=611824]Joey Ratz[/re]: I get this second-hand from a few of my rich Dem friends. There would be no pics permitted, however. Of that, I’m dead certain.

  64. [re=611802]Rock Ripsnort[/re]: Seriously, this is just like when The Cars and Elvis Costello lost the Best New Artist Grammy to A Taste of Honey.

  65. i vote on looks and looks alone . gotta be carville or cheney . neither one is ‘unpretty’ in the conventional ( human ) sense of the word . donny deutch , hmmm , i wouldn’t vote for him but i’d blow him for old times sake … he ‘seems’ nice

  66. I’m going to say this as a Jew who finds it offensive that the anti-semitic, Holocaust denying, Fascism loving Nixon acolyte Pat Buchanan has not been tarred & feathered and banished from DC but I voted Liz. She’s a horrible combination of her dad, Tracy Flick, and those Catholic Nuns who enjoyed beating school boys with a ruler a little too much. I wouldn’t be surprised if plants die when she appears on screen.

  67. [re=611698]ttommyunger[/re]: I think there needs to be a special category for the military advisors that are popping up giving advice all over the news.

  68. I agree with Gorillionaire. Patty B is like your insane racist Republican great-uncle — he’s toxic catpoopy, but for some reason, you just can’t hate him, being the senile spectacle he is. After all, familt reunions wouldn’t be the same without him bursting his colostomy bag in apoplexy over the Jews.

    In the same vein, Erick Son of Erick is akin to that smug-ass douchebag laissez-faire flag-waving homo-bashing Christian-of-convenience shitheel coworker you daily pray drinks AIDS-laced coffee and dies, vomiting and suppurating, in the driver’s seat of his leased 325i. So obviously I vote for the latter.

  69. [re=611984]Horselover Fat[/re]: that smug-ass douchebag laissez-faire flag-waving homo-bashing Christian-of-convenience shitheel – pssst , he’s the slug that’s trolling here at wonkette . we got salt ……..

  70. [re=611833]hockeymom[/re]: I don’t know… Gretchen Carlsson or Megyn Kelly? ‘Cuz Megyn Kelly works really damn hard to look that stupid.

  71. Cheney and Buchanan are morons, idiots, doofuses, assholes, nimrods, ignoramuses, poseurs, ranters, ravers, and just plain stupid.

  72. I voted Cheney, because every time I see her, I hear the theme from The Omen. Why couldn’t the Anti-Christ take on the female form?

  73. Hey I just got back into town and can now worship at my altar of wonkette….oh god, Liz Cheney, easily. I checked out the polls so I know my vote won’t count but I’d also like to kneel before thine altar and thank god Dubya doesn’t work the talk show rounds, or else he’d be a perminent award winner. Still, why no Bill Kristol? I feel cheated. I’d like to punch that circle with the same gleefully sadistic impulse with which I’d shower him with golf club blows; which would make for a completely ironic death for a Republican, also.

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