Ever since Thomas Jefferson blotted out “Supreme Soviet Koran” in the Declaration of Independence and used “Our Queen’s Loyal Subjects” instead, communistic-socialism has been the defining element of America. Usually, it’s the fear of communism more than the actual thing itself, as whatever modern global socialist benefits occasionally added to America (Social Security, Medicare, government-funded K-12 education, etc.) is generally welcomed by this nation’s wretched people.

But what in the living hell is this?

It’s a special holiday movie, for patriotism, suggested by Wonkette operative “Jim N.” Get a couple of cases of beers and gather the kids around the YouTube. When it’s all over, you’ll be gathering the fireworks to aim at the COMMIES, who are coming, as surely as Jesus. Just gotta be patient …. [Google Video]

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  1. The opening pointless horse riding sequence here is only half as long as the opening pointless driving sequence in Manos: The Hands of Fate. Therefore, I declare this movie(?) only half as good as Manos. Which is still pretty fine. USA!! USA!!

  2. I do think that when your parents name you “Estus W. Pirkle,” they’re essentially telling you, “When you grow up, don’t make any movies.”

  3. Director Ron Ormond’s greatest work, almost on a par with Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space”. Both were bankrolled by religious folk, both brilliant. I don’t think anyone from “If You Tire…” died mid picture (for real at least) or spoke the immortal words of Bela Lugosi: “T’row me da visky and let’s shoot dis fokkker”. No rubber octopi were injured in the filming of this movie either.

  4. [re=611660]Mahousu[/re]: I kept thinking they left the “F” off the title for “Festus”, then began to wonder if they dropped an “r” in the middle for “Estrus”. Either way, not a name made for fame. Notice the number of folks with the name Scaife in this? I wonder if they’re related to the that feller that bankrolls the righties?

  5. oh please don’t tell me that you couldn’t have edited this fukker down to 2 or 3 minutes ! this is too much , and the real ending , where the girls blow the boys and then the boys blow the boys , ended up on the cutting room floor ‘ inadvertently ‘. big mistake

  6. Ah yes – this is the Great American Cinematic Masterpiece “If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?“, correct?

    Whilst I was planning my Overseas visit to your welcoming shores, our Embassy strongly recommended that all us Antipodeans visiting US ‘Merica study this film carefully, as it is regarded as the PERFECT expression of American History, Culture and Values. The lessons we dirty furriners learned about your Great Nation from this celluloid triumph reverberate throughout the world, and inspire millions to marvel at the True Faith of American Exceptionalism, albeit from afar…

  7. At about 04:00, all the midwestern Baptist chunkster extras jiggling and flopping over that stream reminded me of Zombieland:

    Columbus: The first rule of COMMIEland: Cardio. When the COMMIE outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons… were the fatties.

    Happy 4th of America Kicks Ass Day, everyone!!


    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll return to drinking massive amounts of alcohol, eating flame broiled meats and foodstuffs tinted with toxic red dye #40 and FD&C Blue Dye No: 1, as is the custom of my people.

  8. [re=611671]Rotundo[/re]: come on the name is fester (uncle), they can’t spell worth noth’in . and he did a superb job at the ending ,( the part where the words ‘the end’ actually appeared on screen ) . superb

  9. [re=611674]Bearbloke[/re]: albeit from afar ? if i were you i’d stay afar . really . then i could invite myself for a permanent visit without actually telling you that it was permanent ( i’d ‘soft peddle ‘ it )

  10. WOLVERINES!!!!

    Or the Ormund/Scaife families reunion. White people with horn rim glasses.

    Time to buy gold, ammo, vegetable seeds and HORSE FEED!

  11. This Pirkle persons ears are almost as disturbing as the stuff his audience is wearing. I was traumatized and could not make it past minute two. Now I must go to the local tit bar and get the lovely Ukrainian lass to lay her cool cool hands on my head.

  12. [re=611671]Rotundo[/re]: I don’t think they’re related.

    Cecil Scaife was from Arkansas and was a music business exec here in Nashvegas.

    Ron Ormond is legendary in these parts. He’s our own Ed Wood!

  13. This is clearly a rip off of Ed Wood or Alan Smithee direction techniques. Everyone knows that the leadership of our glorious multinational corporation system, who only thinks of you and bringing good things to life, would never abuse their loyal and loving workforce.

  14. Ken,

    Thanks for the preview of the highlight/centerpiece film for the 2012 Democratic Convention. (Although the Fox News reviewer said it was going to have more of a “Nat Turner color,” If You Know What I Mean And I Think You Do.)

    Fewer Beehive hairdos, too.

    Also, I would suggest that, if the Commie Liberal Scum are going to try to take over that part of the country, they have a bit more firepower than a couple of revolvers and the odd M-3 “Grease Gun” stol . . . :::whoops::: . . . .borrowed from the local National Guard Armory.

    EVERY Southerner is armed — the Non-Nat Turner ones, that is (If You Know, etc.)

  15. [re=611676]rmjag[/re]: Interesting that you bring up Uncle Fester. Jackie Coogan, who played Uncle Fester on the TV show, starred in Ormond’s 1953 masterpiece, Mesa Of Lost Women.

    Wheels within wheels, man.

  16. I am going to watch the whole thing Dog help me. I’m so fucking bored with fireworks anyway.
    Lots of Baptists in this movie which is not quite as bad as Morons. They say this story has TRUE FACTS!!!!!!

  17. I liked the subtle musical twist. Judy’s hippie sitar (heard whenever she’s on screen) turned out to be a mountain dulcimer. It’s so true .. hippies really are just drugged hillbillies.

  18. It was easy to see how the Christians reveled and excelled at dreaming up tortures like ramming pointed sticks into a child’s ears. sadly they went for the outdated and inefficient salt in the mouth method instead of the patented Cheney Water-board Torture. My favorites scenes were, Elvis dumping Judy at the church (he missed a perfect opportunity to lay some rubber) and Bert Reynolds giving Fidel’s candy away to seduce the children. As strong an argument for Christianity as I can imagine, and a true celluloid masterpiece for the ages.

  19. estus lost me at 2:58 when he said “tens of millions of americans will be shot down like flies.” you ever try to shoot a fucking fly? that’s what flyswatters are made for. jeez louise, sometimes these baptist persons just don’t have a shit’s clue.

  20. [re=611684]Bearbloke[/re]: outta gas , used hash on myself , but i still got ass . it looks like it tangled with a backhoe , but hey big guy , i’m down with it .

  21. OK, so let me get this straight…

    Communists shouldn’t come barging into my home muttering something about “state property,” but Baptists can come barging in muttering something about “contraception,” or “marijuana.”

    We should love capitalism, but not worship money.

    It’s better for our children to die than to disavow Jesus.

    The Communists are terrible because they do to Christians all the things that Christians invented to do to Jews/Muslims/Hindus/Buddhists/fornicators.

    The only people Communists have killed are Christians. Aforementioned Jews/Muslims/Hindus/Buddhists/fornicators got off easy. And there were tens of millions of said Christians in China, when Mao took over in only a week (Sino-Japanese War notwithstanding, I guess).

    People that ride horses are Communists (assuming they’re not wearing their white hoods that day, I suppose).

    And if a woman in a miniskirt gets catcalled in the middle of God damned church, it’s all her fault, she was asking for it. Part of Jesus’ plan.

    And this is Mississippi? Heck, for all we know this could have been filmed last week.

  22. [re=611700]hamletta[/re]: that is a fascinating tidbit . what about a connection to kevin bacon in all this ? and all the baptists in the film seem unnaturally sexually excited . did any of them go on to be big , big stars ? or criminals ? druggies ? mormons ?

  23. [re=611735]Guppy06[/re]: i thought it was filmed in utah last week . this is the world they still live in here – esp provo . i don’t want to die here .

  24. Nice vomiting boy with sticks in his ears. And boy’s head rolling down the hill after the beheading by Comrade Bela-Lugosi-by-way-of-Jay-Robinson, who’s always just hanging around. (He’ll shoot anyone on sight, but if he wants to sleep with your wife he’ll just lock you out of your house.)

    Why did I watch the whole thing?

  25. [re=611735]Guppy06[/re]: Yep. Also, swarthy, leering men in strange uniforms who offer kids candy and moustache rides may not be as trustworthy as they first appear.

  26. Big takeaway: commies ride the horses.

    Ergo, John Wayne = commie. Clint Eastwood = commie. I knew I shoulda never trusted them Hollywood librul types. I just knew it.

  27. Locust Grove is the best name for a Baptist church ever. They must have been cursed with a plague for dancing and allowing “strange people” in miniskirts to worship with them.

    The most frightening part was emotionally manipulating Judy with the wishes of her dead mother. That and the soft, repeated “yes” of the preacher when she is at the altar. Creepy.

  28. I’m afraid I didn’t watch it, for 3 reasons.
    1. Too long. Wingnut comedy is best consumed in items of 3 minutes or less.
    2. I find it hard to believe that there really is anyone out there with the last name of Pirkle.
    3. I find it hard to believe that there really is anyone out there with the first name of Estus.

  29. I couldn’t even make it to the 15 minute mark. The combination of uncontrollable eye rolling and the upper digestive system revolting upwards was simply too much to bear. I think the worst part of it was how much it reminded me of present times.

  30. Ah, the 1960’s, when Americans were thin!

    By the way, all these Baptists were not necessarily Republicans. To put this in context, this is Fear of the Young wedded to fear of the Wild Black. It appealed to “solid folks, sensible folks,” and it helped create the defections in the Democrats that turned into Nixon’s wins. It’s also wild to see the very, very early days of the eschatology industry.

    The “Revelation of St. John means buy a shelter from me/go to my church/ vote my way” that we’re familiar with today started out, like this guy says/does as a kind of weird call for apocalypse. It’s Sermo Lupi Ad Anglos, where, instead of Vikings ransacking churches making the people think the End is Near, the problem is young people listening to Hendrix and slurring words. It’s a serious retreat against forces they felt were beyond their control, and he was only, then, calling for going to church.

    Chuck Colson is much worse.

  31. haha, usually i dread these videos but this is amazing. way funnier than the hangover. COMMUNISTS WILL CUT YOUR CHILDREN’S THROATS! also dancing is bad. tapping your feet to music? hmm, kind of a grey area.

    do they really machinegun cattle now? i wish, that’d be fucking awesome.

  32. Fuck, wow. Truly worthy of a MST3K treatment. This might beat out Manos: The Hands of Fate for title of the worst movie ever made.

    For those who found the film tl;dr, here’s the synopsis from IMDB:

    Based on the preachings of Reverend Estus W. Pirkle, this film warns what will happen to America if the citizens do not give up their depraved ways and turn to God and Jesus for salvation. Communist infiltrators, the “footmen”, will pave the way for an all out invasion by weakening our will through TV, dance, rock music and alcohol. Once the invasion begins, the new Communist government will proceed to round up all Christians, and either execute them or force them to undergo re-education. Only by putting their faith in the bible where it belongs, says Rev. Pirkle, can America resist the coming Red Menace.

  33. [re=611690]x111e7thst[/re]: No shit on the ears. With those gianormous jug ears the Rev. Estus W. Pirkle must be related to Prince Charles.

    Oh shit! If Rev. Pirkle is related to Bonnie Prince Chuck that means he’s a deep undercover plant from MI5 and the Brits are meaning to correct an earlier July 4 problem. Run! Run for you lives.

  34. I really want to thanks Wonkette for introducing me to Estus Pirkle. Even if I hadn’t managed to make it through the interminable horsemen scene in the beginning, reading the three quotes on his wikipedia entry would’ve made the attempt worthwhile.

  35. Oh, God, I’ll stop serial posting with this one, but this is a treasure trove of wackiness. Did you know that Ron Ormond’s credits include Naked Gun, and Red Desert????? (but not the versions with which you might be familiar :-)

  36. [re=611804]phineas_bounderby[/re]: I was surprised to learn in Wikipedia that Estus Pirkle appears to be the inventor of the New Math:

    “I’m Estus Pirkle, and I’d like to tell you about the place called Heaven. Heaven! The place where the God Almighty dwells. Let us compare it to New York City. If the New Jerusalem were only fifteen-hundred feet tall, like the tallest buildings in New York City, it would still be fourteen-hundred times greater in size than New York City. This means that the New Jerusalem is over five-thousand times higher than New York City. This makes the New Jerusalem over seven-million times bigger than New York City. Does this exite you? Think about it! Does it not stagger the imagination?”

  37. [re=611805]phineas_bounderby[/re]: Do bring back the McGuffey Reader, man.

    I did a stint as a librarian at a very old public high school. I found, in storage, McGuffeys from the 1930’s, 1940’s, and 1960’s, and I was stunned by, of course, the naivette, but also by the quality. Those young’uns were reading on a much higher level than ours. They were also doing more math.

    The fact that they were combined and done as a “whole school day” so as to work with one-room school houses was also kind of neat. Still, I’m sure they would fail self-assessment testing guidelines for shareholder stakeholder input value and parental involvement in wellbeing scoring and holistic measurement indices, so they’re junk and won’t get anyone tenure in an Ed. Dept.

  38. Say how come we don’t use that commie “stand six inches from a wall” torture on our Al Queda enemies? Looks pretty effective!

  39. [re=611815]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I just realized this – this is why communism lost!

    The Rooskies were using the same torture techniques the nuns used on my class in Elementary School!

  40. I’m obligated to defeat the Red Commie horde by reading The Book over my Jimmy Dean breakfast. Is that what Rev. Pirkle is trying to tell me?
    Excuse me while I go jerkle my pirkle.

  41. “Their plan for America is to kill 67 million” The crosscutting technique in the rape scene is remniscent of Bergman, but the winning moment for me is at 30:18, something kinky about the way she says that line.

  42. [re=611829]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: There are like triple quadruple ironies in this thing.

    The “stand 6″ from a wall” thing was akin to the actual KGB torture technique of standing forever. The Gestapo used it, too. It’s great for getting people to sign false confessions, and the Soviets were aware of that. That was kind of the goal. Same with the Gestapo. Oh, the irony: This is the technique that Donny Rumsfeld thought was funny, because “I stand for eight hours a day!” He said it wasn’t torture at all when we did it, and so he authorized this well known torture technique (here used as an Example of Evil Commies).

    Oh, and “Masters of War” should be on continual loop.

  43. See 31:34. Despicable Communists, making men stand up all night without sleep or food. That’s the difference between us and them: we also make torture victims listen to “Master of Puppets” turned up to 11 and turn the thermostat down to 40 degrees.

  44. In the intro, I counted six horsemen of the communist apocalypse.
    That was a tipoff to the audience that the movie was a comedy.

  45. [re=611848]Geogre[/re]: Endorsed by the KGB, Gestapo and the nuns at my elementary school. And Rummy was still not convinced???

  46. [re=611837]maven[/re]: Frankly, killing off 67 million right wing, gun toting Americans is just not aiming high enough – and speaks volumes about the Russians being just one massive FAIL!

  47. [re=611810]Geogre[/re]: I won’t disagree that the overall approach of the McGuffey readers blows away all the “reforms” of the past few decades (those things were REALLY “holistic”). The content with respect to social issues would need a mite of work, though.

  48. I spent a couple of hours following paths generated by this video. I’ve come to the conclusion that Ron Ormond was a national treasure, and that (based on Pirkle and Ormond’s magnum opus) Hell is disproportionately populated with people from the southern United States (judging from his accent the king of Babylon and all his hellbound minions were southerners too).

    I’ve been a Wonketeer for quites some time, and this is by far the thread which opened up the greatest artistic opportunities for me. Thank you Wonkette, for exposing me to Pirkle and Ormond. It’s at least on par with the Renaissance revival of the Greek classics.

  49. [re=611906]BadKitty[/re]: You forget that the one thing Tirkle found praiseworthy about the Commies was that they immediatey executed all the gays. But there was no reason for him to get into that here.

  50. The names! The producer’s first name is Monnie, and one of the actors is Bondy. Estus is not alone. And I was fascinated to learn that the Russian cavalry, which I didn’t even know existed in the 21st century, rides Western saddles. The music misled me, however; I kept looking for Flash Gordon each time it played. Actually, Ming and Azura might have livened up this one.

  51. I always feared this day would come.

    True Christian™ Friends, I am the “Judy” in this documentary film. They had to use my real name because I always forgot to answer when they wanted me to answer to whatever the scripted name was. It was a Hee-broo name, took from the Holy KJV-1611 Bible, but I swear you had to have a bad cold to pronounce it properly. It was hard enough to call that old cow “momma” while smelling the alcohol on the old biddy’s breath. PEWWW! Bacon and beer, that’s what it smelleded like. She must have eat beans too, and lots of them. I mean PEWWWW in the pews! They had to reshoot lots of videotape, or film, maybe it was, cuz we all laughted when that old woman passed gas. She always tried to cover it up by saying something like, “oh, my soul and body” every time she did it. One time she forgot to say her cover words and looked at me like she wanted folks to think I had did it. I stood up and waved my hands at my nose and said that ain’t your soul, woman, that’s your body that done it! Even good ol’ Estus broke up laughing and somebody said take five and that poor old woman went and sat in her husband’s truck and acted like she was ashamed of what she did but that little child who;s head that damn librul cut off (it was NOT real, it was what they call special e-fecks so don’t get scared over it or throw up like the time the church showed the film in the theater and everyone got sick but it turned out to be a gas leak or something).

    The sad part is that several of the chlldren in that blockbuster movie later chose to live the evil homosexural lifestyle. Was it the gas leak? I don’t know, but I do know that God in his wisdom chose to give a lot of them folks cancer because they must not have been sincere when they said they excepted JESUS. Jesus is a lot like that woman in that old buttter commercial, do NOT try to fool Him! And anyway that woman was a actteress but Jesus is REAL.

    Well anyways this is my true confesson and my testimony. I am proud to say that YES I chose JESUS, right there on film, you cannot “act” a conversion experience like that. It was real and ever day since then I have lived a good Christian live for my lord and Saveur Jesus Christ! And if anyone says otherwise they are a sour old drunk who has truck drivers to her trailer even after one of them set it on fire with a fallus shaped wax candle. I will not say her name but her initials are Dora Denkins and the pastor has said he will kick her sinful lying b*tt out of the church for over a year now but he still takes her sons on camping trips and sleepovers and to his bapitism pool at his house. I would be worried if he was a catholick, LOL, but of course that would be CRAZY.

    Anyways, let this be a lesson to you young folks, especially if Jesus made you as beautiful as I was in them days. I made mistakes, Lord knows. First, my hair was long and luckserious, like some kind of harlot. Lord, I am so ashamed, but JESUS forgave me for not having the high hair, which was the biblical style in those days. i am so grateful that the preacher found the scriptures that cancelled out the ones about high hair, praise GOD. i am praying that Sister Taffy gets the word before GOD sends her to hell for her high hair. I don;t know why she doesn’t take my advise and get her hair done by the same vile, diseased, wicked homosexural that i send my hair to. If anyone wants his address let me know, I get a discount for every ten folks (that PAY THEIR DAMN BILLs) I send his way.

  52. Wow, I’ve had the album version for years, but I never knew they made a video!

    The t-shirts read “CHRISTIAN”, “TV”, “ALCOHOLIC DRINK”, “FASHION” and “DANCE SEX”. Note that the jack-booted commies are rounding them up together without distinction. So laugh it up but remember- first they came for the Christians, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Christian… can ALCOHOLIC DRINK and DANCE/SEX be far behind???

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