America's new Saudi Arabian Maureen Dowd.This week was so fucking awesome it blew my mind all over my fucking face! Now get ready for this political op-ed column to have the exact same effect on your SOUL. I will trepan your life-essence and use it as renewable resource, and I will be carbon-neutral by 2011! You’ve been warned, slaves!

Today, when I was masturbating as usual to West Wing Week (propaganda really makes my ladyflower bloom), I got extra tingles when I learned that Barack Obama spent last Saturday in “bilateral meetings” with people like the President of South Korea. Which made me look up all the hot bi South-of-the-DMZ/Muslin porn I could find, on the Internets, which were invented by a crazed sex poodle.

Barack was so fucking tight this week, just raining threes from way outside. Everyone was totally gay for his immigration speech, and the Grey Lady actually spontaneously self-lubricated and achieved orgasm for the first time since menopause, i.e., when Jayson Blair burned down his master’s house.

President Obama didn’t hold back on Arizona. No one should hold back on Arizona. It’s really pretty and there are some nice hippies up in Sedona, plus disenfranchised natives on the res who will sell you pretty blankets to decorate your second guest bedroom (the house has been so empty since Ryder left for Yale!), but mostly it is where crackly old white golfers go to get melanoma and die more painfully than they would have back home in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Also this week, Barry met with the winners of the 2010 Mathcounts National Competition. These hot prepubescent mathletes then went home and killed themselves, because that is what all MIT freshmen do anyway, and these kids are super-precocious (totes JK, they did not really murder themselves. They masturbated to West Wing Week, just like I do. Then they thought of how much more money they will make than the stupid jocks who torment them, and they laughed and they laughed.)

And Barry went to Racine, WI to eat a pastry called a kringle. That’s right; your President Barack Obama ate Santa Claus, in Wisconsin. He ate him to death! This is because in the Netherlands, Santa Claus is called Sinterklass, and he has a black slave named Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter, who stuffs evil children in a sack and takes them back to Sinterklass’s lair in Spain. In Obama’s America, there will be no more slavery, of children or Peters. So this charming cheesehead bakery visit was the most important part of Our American Week, because Obama killed Dutch Jayson Blair’s master, without burning down his house. This is how true diplomacy is done.

Have a great weekend, sluts! I’ll be staycationing in New York, a den of sin and filth separated from Real America by the Hudson River and the great state of New Jersey (Real America starts in Pennsylvania, where Christ lives). Take your bottoms off at the beach and use them to cover a brown Arizonan on the run from the Phoenix SS! Together, we can revive the Underground Railroad, for Freedom.

Sara Benincasa is going to just have some bed rest this holiday weekend.

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  1. In the photo, my Barry doesn’t look like he’s enjoying the kringle. I think politicians get some weird shit that we don’t know about; why else would they put themselves through endless photo ops, such as pretending to like the kringle?

  2. I’m sorry, I mentally blanked out after the rest your sentence about West Wing Week. What is this week’s column again?

    Um… I don’t know if you do requests, but I for one would like to see pics of you watching West Wing Week. For research purposes only, I swear.

  3. Sara in the painting “The Extraction of the Stone of Madness” on your trepan linkie, is the practitioner an early teatard wearing a primitive Faraday cage on his head to avoid the bishops’ thought trapping?

  4. I thought Pennsylvania had finally taken down those “America Starts Here” signs.
    Also I can not thank you enough for working your ladyflower and Obama’s kringle into the same post. Something for everyone, and everything for some.

  5. Wow. That was pretty insane. I’m going to read it a few more times just to bask in the awesomeness of it, and even clicky clicky some links, as I assume writers who get clicks get to stay.

  6. Uh, you forgot to mention that not only did the Preznit “eat a kringle,” he whipped out his massive mansnake on national tee-vee and told the American people that the GOP could get in line and, one by one, put it in their mouth holes and suck it until they choked on his liquid seed of life.

    Yay, bed rest!

  7. That trepanation link reminded me how happy I am to be alive during this modern medical age. As long as I don’t click any of the other links, I will remain happy.

  8. Sara, the first two were great journo-spooges of witi-jisms. This one, meh. I will give you props for B-ball reference, but nothing yet comes close to “Tony Hayward’s Roomba bumped into Underwater Oileyjafjallajokull and made it explode harder.”
    Try using flaxseed oil instead of regular lube with your Wet Turtle ®. It will put your mind at peace. I wrote three philosophy papers and a movie review when I used it in my Fleshlight ®

  9. you’re going “carbon neutral”? what, you’re going to become a silicon-based life form? (show us your tits!)

    and i thought barry already had a zwarte piet. this political stuff is so confusing.

    as for slavery of peters, ol’ one-eye is my master and i am his slave, though he be my dangling modifier. i shall raise him in salute this national holiday, in reverent observance of every blooming ladyflower. pop! goes my weasel.

  10. [re=611274]Katydid[/re]: Kringle can be pretty good, but there is an unfortunate tendency for kringle-makers to compete to see who can stuff the most shortening per cubic centimeter into the crust, which can lead to almost exactly Senor Hussein’s expression if you’re not expecting it.

    The proper solution is to follow the kringle consumption with a shot of Gammel Dansk.

  11. [re=611419]Enslave the Whales[/re]: Or a short line of coke. Or one could skip the kringle entirely and just alternate lines and shots of Gammel Dansk.

  12. [re=611283]Heywood Jablome[/re]: Thank you for that. I too laughed till I cried. I love David Sedaris, and while I think I had heard that one before, it never gets old.

  13. Kringle friggin’ rocks! It’s what gives the twin cities (Racine and Kenohsa)their special appeal.
    Kringle: it’s not just for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore!

  14. [re=611489]crcombine[/re]: You take that back! The Twin Cities are Minneapolis and St. Paul, period.

    Okay, maybe Fargo-Moorhead.

  15. “‘I’m gonna come and burn the fucking house down…but you are gonna blow me first”
    Mel-anti semite, sugar tits-Gibson gotta learn him some trepanning.

    Romance is all.

  16. Somebody painted April fool in big black letters on a dead end sign
    I had my foot on the gas as I left the road and blew out my mind
    Eight miles out of Memphis and I got no spare
    Eight miles straight up downtown somewhere
    I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

    [The original, Mickey Newberry version. Not the Kenny Rogers or Nick Cave version.)

  17. [re=611648]osama bin drinkin[/re]: If by the fourth one we recycle “Mad TV” skits with the expletives left in, then I will be in comedy heaven.

  18. Hi,
    Happy 4th July collection of Op-Ed Filth. This week was so fucking awesome it blew my, in all over my fucking face.
    Data recovery

  19. Barry ate a Kringle, wishing you would eat my Dingle. Hahaha..sexytime porno chat. Who says liberalis have no balls & no idea of how to jiggle them.

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