Happy 4th of July Collection of Op-Ed Filth!

  barry can you hear me?

America's new Saudi Arabian Maureen Dowd.This week was so fucking awesome it blew my mind all over my fucking face! Now get ready for this political op-ed column to have the exact same effect on your SOUL. I will trepan your life-essence and use it as renewable resource, and I will be carbon-neutral by 2011! You’ve been warned, slaves!

Today, when I was masturbating as usual to West Wing Week (propaganda really makes my ladyflower bloom), I got extra tingles when I learned that Barack Obama spent last Saturday in “bilateral meetings” with people like the President of South Korea. Which made me look up all the hot bi South-of-the-DMZ/Muslin porn I could find, on the Internets, which were invented by a crazed sex poodle.

Barack was so fucking tight this week, just raining threes from way outside. Everyone was totally gay for his immigration speech, and the Grey Lady actually spontaneously self-lubricated and achieved orgasm for the first time since menopause, i.e., when Jayson Blair burned down his master’s house.

President Obama didn’t hold back on Arizona. No one should hold back on Arizona. It’s really pretty and there are some nice hippies up in Sedona, plus disenfranchised natives on the res who will sell you pretty blankets to decorate your second guest bedroom (the house has been so empty since Ryder left for Yale!), but mostly it is where crackly old white golfers go to get melanoma and die more painfully than they would have back home in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Also this week, Barry met with the winners of the 2010 Mathcounts National Competition. These hot prepubescent mathletes then went home and killed themselves, because that is what all MIT freshmen do anyway, and these kids are super-precocious (totes JK, they did not really murder themselves. They masturbated to West Wing Week, just like I do. Then they thought of how much more money they will make than the stupid jocks who torment them, and they laughed and they laughed.)

And Barry went to Racine, WI to eat a pastry called a kringle. That’s right; your President Barack Obama ate Santa Claus, in Wisconsin. He ate him to death! This is because in the Netherlands, Santa Claus is called Sinterklass, and he has a black slave named Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter, who stuffs evil children in a sack and takes them back to Sinterklass’s lair in Spain. In Obama’s America, there will be no more slavery, of children or Peters. So this charming cheesehead bakery visit was the most important part of Our American Week, because Obama killed Dutch Jayson Blair’s master, without burning down his house. This is how true diplomacy is done.

Have a great weekend, sluts! I’ll be staycationing in New York, a den of sin and filth separated from Real America by the Hudson River and the great state of New Jersey (Real America starts in Pennsylvania, where Christ lives). Take your bottoms off at the beach and use them to cover a brown Arizonan on the run from the Phoenix SS! Together, we can revive the Underground Railroad, for Freedom.

Sara Benincasa is going to just have some bed rest this holiday weekend.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa