Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
Birthdays are always a riot when you’re young, right? The cake … the presents … the party … it’s your day, and your parents are the ones who organize the whole thing. But as you grow older, your birthday becomes more melancholy, eventually representing both an occasion where you have to make merry even if your heart isn’t it and a reminder of your encroaching decrepitude. So too is this true for America! Our nation’s bickering gay dads, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, died on the country’s 50th birthday, and it’s been all downhill ever since. After jump, find out how our country is trying to cheer itself up for the Big Two-Three-Four.

Your aging eyes will thank you if you click the comics to make them bigger.

Sometimes the best way to celebrate is the old-fashioned way. Like some wholesome costumed fun! And what sort of costume would America like to see more than the Statue of Liberty? That’s how the America Birthday Party kicked off: With a tall, striking lady, painted green, toga wrapped around her, holding a birthday cake aloft. With her solid metal appearance and kind but firm expression, she let all the partygoers know: we’ve had tough times before, but everything, ultimately, would be all right. Then the music started playing, and that toga started unwrapping.

Yeah, things got a little bit crazy at this party! Some of the costumes pushed beyond the limits of good taste. Check out this dude, for instance, who came dressed as Nutzalcoatl, the ancient Mesoamerican bird-god of gonads. With a long, flowing mane of feathers, a sharp, pointed beak, and a hypnotically plump and spherical single testicle perched in front of his belly, he represents a potent combination of fertility and violent power.

Even some of the Foreigns got in on the sexy action. At some point late in the evening, Uncle Sam and China went downstairs to the makeshift basement S&M dungeon, where our friend from the East showed off his own trademark variation on the St. Andrew’s Cross. Have fun, fellas! Don’t forget the safe-phrase: “Hold the yuan’s overall value steady against a basket of currencies.”

With all this bacchanalia going on around him, can you blame Uncle Sam for eventually reaching a higher state of consciousness (i.e., blacking out)? Who among hasn’t woken up after a particularly crazy night and not remembered the last few hours before falling asleep the night before? Unfortunately for our national symbol, though, that crucial missing time would explain why exactly there was the dismembered head of Free Market, the famous racehorse owned by Milton Friedman, in his bed. Had Uncle Sam killed the horse? Had he had sex with it, then killed it? Where was the rest of the beast? Had he eaten it? You can understand why he is so traumatized.

But wait, who’s in charge of the war while all this selfish hedonism is going on? Well, don’t you worry, Obama’s got it taken care of. For instance, when he heard that Stanley McChrystal was going around bad-mouthing him, he did the only thing he could: take him out to the ol’ C-in-C outhouse, and then very sternly sodomize him. Then Obama fired him, because don’t-ask-don’t-tell hasn’t been repealed yet! Ironic, huh?

In other, significantly less cheery, news, the Little Mermaid died.

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  1. It’s a good thing everybody except the last cartoonist has forgotten about The Fountainhead of Libertarian Thought there in the Tar Pit of Mexico. It was getting boring. On to Kagan! Let’s reduce that deficit, fuck the unemployed!

  2. Oh horrors, they’ve killed the free market. On second thought, that was the horse that f*cked us all over a few years back, right? Just throw it on a pike by the front gate then — and someone tell Glen McCoy that the words “free market” appear nowhere in the Constitution — that should generate some fireworks.

  3. Glenn McCoy, of course, redefines “symbolism fail” every time out of the box. But that Washpost hack is putting up some stiff comp by a) not knowing what a woodshed looks like and b) not remembering that ass-whuppings are rendered BEHIND the woodshed, not inside it.

  4. [re=611154]Aguacatero[/re]: This is sort like do we celebrate a happy millenium in 12/31/99 pr 12/31/00? If you was born in 76 do you has yer first b’day in 76 or 77?

  5. And the last cartoon is not so sad — the guy is looking forward to giving her the “Dawn Dishwashing Liquid” treatment. FOR HEALTH REASONS ONLY.

  6. [re=611154]Aguacatero[/re]: It wasn’t last year — note the date on the corner. Maybe this got recycled by cartoonbox accidentally — then again, maybe the cartoonist just dug this out of the box and sent it in.

  7. Commie comics may be the closest America ever gets to socialism cause if voting in this two-party fraud ever did anything good for the average person it would be illegal to vote.

  8. given that everybody gets born and everybody dies, maybe they ain’t such special things. maybe it’s what you do in between that counts, providing you get some sort of chance to do something and don’t get blown to smithereens while you’re still in diapers, or get born without a brain like i hear happens to real people and teabaggers, both, or get yourself invaded by your fascistic neighbor before the ink is even dry on your constitution, like what happens to them young country things sometimes.

  9. What the hell is the McCoy comic even *saying*? I… I just don’t understand it. Which is a common problem with his comics, I guess; they either offend or baffle me. One more for the baffle camp this week!

    Also, the Nutzacoatl one (both comic and commentary) is legitimately gold.

  10. That “dead little mermaid” one is actually kind of tragic and well done, but through the jaundiced eye of the Comics Curmudgeon I almost immediately saw the tourist dude sizing up the mermaid and wondering if he could still fuck it, the way Tom Hanks did to Darryl Hannah in “Toy Story 4.”

  11. [re=611142]Lazy Media[/re]:

    You know what they say is in the woodpile, don’t you? That’s probably what he was getting at.

  12. But, but — WHO killed the Free Market Magic Pony? And given what the market’s been doing to us lately, shouldn’t it be the OTHER end of the horsie in bed?

  13. [re=611142]Lazy Media[/re]: But an ass-raping takes place inside the woodshed – can’t have the kiddies playing in the yard accidentally seeing it!

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